The Carrie Diaries

I mean, what can I say? My, God, THE HAIR.

IT IS HYPNOTIC.

Look at it. So curly. So bouncy. I think I have to keep watching this show just for Carrie's hair alone. It was always c-c-c-curly, but when you combine it with the 80s fashions, how can you NOT watch?

Ok, so The Carrie Diaries. I don't really consider Carrie Bradshaw one of the pop culture icons of the ages that the world was just begging to know more about...but if you think about it from the CW's perspective, it's perfect. Teenage girl, awesome fashion sense, just beginning to learn about life and love. DONE AND DONE.

Oh, and did I mention it's set in the 80s? Neon eyeshadow! High top sneakers! Walkmans! It's all there--and sure, sometimes the fashion looks a little too 80s by way of the 2000s...but that's ok. The point is the show is bright and colorful and fun. And that's what it comes down to: it's frothy fun. If you're an older dude and don't really care about the romantic entanglements of a bunch of teenage girls, this is probably not the show for you, but for me it's like a Twinkie (tastes great, less filling). And I mean that as a compliment.

When we first meet Carrie, it's 1984 and she is 16 years old and living in Connecticut, getting ready for the first day of a new school year. Her mother has just passed away during the summer, so Carrie finds herself somewhat adrift, and trying to find her place in the house with her Dad and younger sister. But she's got a good group of friends, and there's the sexy new guy at school (Sebastian) to deal with....

Her Dad also manages to score her an internship at a Manhattan law firm one day a week...so Carrie begins her (mostly chaste) love affair with New York City. And while there she meets the BEST part of the show. Freema Agyeman. For those of you that pay attention, that's Martha from Doctor Who. She plays Larissa Loughton, a style editor at Interview magazine, who takes Carrie under her wing. Of course, she doesn't exactly know that Carrie is still in high school, but Larissa is like an 80s version of Samantha from Sex and the City and injects some very welcome energy (and color--literally in all senses of the word) into the show. She's living the high life and enjoying every second of it. Oh, and she also uses her British accent. I hate it when Brits have to adopt an American accent for tv--let your English flag fly, girl!

At the end of the day, The Carrie Diaries isn't going to blow your mind or keep you on the edge of your seat. But it's a fun look back at a specific period in America and a specific period in a girl's life that I find wildly enjoyable. The stakes may not seem super high; there's no world to save or murders to solve. But if you were ever a teenage girl then you know that when it comes to your heart, the stakes couldn't get much higher.

Oh, and did I mention the hair?

The Carrie Diaries airs Mondays at 8:00 on the CW.

Does Murray Handle Malpractice Cases?

This recap contains SPOILERS. If you did not watch the most recent episode, and have also been living under a rock, PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. STOP. GO BACK. THE BRIDGE IS OUT.

Hi, I'm Laura Linney and…this is why you should never get pregnant.

We open with Dr. Clarkson paying a prenatal nighttime visit to Downton to check on Lady Sybil. She apparently had labor pains, but it was a false alarm. Dr. Clarkson says she's fine. Robert arrogantly tells folksy country practitioner Clarkson that Sir Philip Tapsell, a fancy London doctor, will arrive tomorrow.

Downstairs, new kitchen maid Ivy is discussing her eventual baby-making plans. She's unmarried, so let's hope we have another Ethel in the making. There's a little bit of ho-yay served up at the tea table between Jimmy and Thomas. O'Brien looks as though she has had An Idea. Daisy is still pissed that Ivy…well, exists, really.

Upstairs, it's time for breakfast in bed with a side of "I'm taking over managing the estate" talk. Matthew's got ideas about how to turn things around and save Downton for future generations, and he doesn't want to upset Robert by letting him know he's been a giant fail in that department for the last several years. 

But I can't possibly be incompetent. I'm rich!

Over in Cora and Robert's room, Robert explains his decision to contact Tapsell. Clarkson misdiagnosed Matthew AND missed warning signs with Lavinia. Not his fault, really. Matthew's sudden cure was more than a tad unrealistic, and Lavinia was killed off for having an incurable case of being in the way.

Much more after the jump.

Carson has asked Jimmy to wind the clocks. O'Brien says Jimmy should ask Thomas for help with that  because O'Brien knows Thomas's little secret, and she thinks that setting Jimmy up as literal jail bait will lead to Thomas being exposed as gay. However, we don't know what way Jimmy swings. He might be into Thomas, and this could just blow up in O'Brien's face and she'll walk in on all kinds of Jimmy/Thomas PDA. OR! She DOES think Jimmy is gay and she wants to get them together so they'll be caught and then she can get rid of both of them AT THE SAME TIME! Who knows what wheels turn in O'Brien's head? She's a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a tea cake.

In Sybil'sroom, Sybil has headaches and swollen ankles. These can be the normal signs of pregnancy, but as my Anglophilia also extends to Call the Midwife and I am thus an expert in childbirth, these can also be symptoms of something with the potential to be much more serious. Sybil wonders why Mary isn't knocked up yet. Turns out, Mary's having a spot of bother conceiving. Sure, she and Matthew have been fucking like rabbits, but no bundle of joy as of yet. Sybil is concerned that the baby will be christened at Downton, but Tom is Catholic and she wants to please him.

Who knew monotonous domestic tasks such as clock-winding were rife with so much ho-yay? Thomas, standing behind Jimmy (yup) wants to know if Jimmy feels a slight increase in the resistance. Ahem. 

Is that a silver-polishing rag in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Bates encourages Anna to talk to Mrs. Bartlett about pie crust. Turns out that experimental patissier Vera was baking the infamous pie the last time she spoke to Mrs. Bartlett. This means she made the pie afterBates was heading back to Downton. The tell-tale evidence: Mrs. Bartlett told Anna that Vera had pie crust under her nails the last time she saw her. I'm not kidding. The case hinges on pastry dough. Later, we learn that Bates's cellmate -- who hasn't moved on from losing the Battle of the Badly Sewn Objects – has been plotting with one of the prison guards. Do we really have to go through another convoluted plot to get him released? Magic Downton 8-Ball says "Likely."

Meanwhile at Crawley House, Isobel interviews Ethel about her state. She's given up being a PROSTITUTE, but she's apparently been putting that on her CV and thusly cannot find respectable work. Isobel offers her a job helping Mrs. Bird, so Ethel will have a respectable job and a reference for future employment.

Matthew and Mary inspect a few of the cottages on the estate. Matthew proposes letting some of the tenants work the land without paying rent. Gracious Heavens! He's talking about socialism! Or maybe he intends to turn Downton into a kibbutz. In any case, Robert probably won't like it. 

At dinner, Tapsell arrogantly agrees to allow Clarkson in the delivery room. All that's necessary, according to Tapsell, is a knowledge of childbirth. If you don't have a bad feeling yet, well you should. Matthew wants to talk to Tapsell about his – ahem -- issues. Tapsell asks if everything is functioning properly (wink wink) and Matthew answers that yes, his man parts are manparting Mary quite swimmingly. British people should not talk about erections. Like. Ever.  Dr. RuthTapsell tells him that anxiety can cause fertility issues, so he tells him to relax. Yeah. In that family. Good effing luck.

Anna talks to Robert in the study about Mrs. Bartlett's version of events. Robert may be failboating huge, but he still cares about clearing Bates. He questions whether Mrs. Bartlett would be willing to testify on Bates's behalf and tells her he will call his beleaguered all-purpose attorney Murray.

Thoroughly Modern Edith has been offered a regular, weekly column by the editor of The Sketch. Robert tells her he's only interested in her name and her title. Matthew unsuccessfully tries to stick up for Edith, but Edith announces that she's the family failure and leaves the room.

Mrs. Bird lets Isobel know that she cannot work alongside Ethel because Ethel was a PROSTITUTE.  Mrs. Bird is concerned that if she works with Ethel, the town busybodies will assume she is a PROSTITUTE too. Isobel calms her fears by saying: "Nobody could look at you and think that."  (Burn!)Isobel accepts Mrs. Bird's unintended resignation. Ethel: 1; Mrs. Bird: 0

Down in the kitchen, Alfred is hitting on Ivy. Yeah, slow down there, Casanoway.  She's totally into Jimmy and not Alfred. Jimmy is friendly with Ivy, but he doesn't notice her in any kind of serious way. Could there be a reason for his lack of interest? Stay tuned!Daisy walks in and bosses Ivy because she's jealous that Alfred's paying attention to Ivy instead of her. Daisy's gone from crushing on the gay guy to crushing on the dorky footman, which to me is a lateral move. Let's hope Daisy sets her sights a little higher for her next bout of unrequited love. But first! We must save the hollandaise!! Daisy barks orders to the pitiably overwhelmed Ivy, and Alfred gallantly swoops in to rescue the fish course by adding an egg to the hollandaise. Who knew that adding eggs to a recipe that is primarily eggs would produce the desired result? 

Expect soon the release of Arsenic Pie and Eggless Hollandaise: A Treasury of Downton Recipes.

At dinner, the Crawleys are waiting for Sybil go to into labor. Matthew tries to break the awkward silence in his usual manner by bringing up something slightly less awkward. He alights on Edith's newspaper column, and Lady Violet wants to know if Edith's famewhoring will extend to her becoming an actress. She may as well just join Ethel in her disrepute. Fortunately, Sybil interrupts dinner via really needing to be at a hospital like twenty minutes ago.Clarkson is concerned with signs that Sybil has developed a septic reaction. Tapsell insists it's nothing to worry about and tells Clarkson to be silent, and it's Robert's opinion that Clarkson is letting his professional pride get in the way.

In Ethel can't cook news, Ethel can't cook. She can't make tea, either. I get she's a bad cook, but how can one screw up tea? Don’t they, like, revoke your Brit card for that? Seriously.

Upstairs in the birthing room, Sybil is failing fast.  She is delirious, but Tapsell arrogantly and idiotically claims she's totally fine. Cora comes in with Clarkson and Clarkson wants to test Sybil's pee for proteinuria. Clarkson tries to talk to Sybil, but she's far too confused to know what's happening.

Clarkson tries to insist that Sybil is pre-eclampsic and she should be moved to hospital and have the baby by Caesarian. Tapsell insists that pre-eclampsia is rare and Sybil doesn't have it, even though she exhibits textbook symptoms. Tapsell insists a Caesarian is too risky and dismisses Clarkson as a hayseed quack. Ass. What follows is a tragic lesson in what happens when arrogant people place their egos above all else. Sybil's condition worsens. A really heated argument takes place in the upstairs hallway. No one can ask Sybil about her own medical care since she's, you know, delirious and screaming in pain. They put it all on Tom. Robert barks at Tom to side with Tapsell, who assures a safe birth. Cora takes Clarkson's part, who is honest and tells Tom that he can't promise anything, but if Sybil goes into convulsions, it will be too late and she will die. Tom appears as though he's about to side with Clarkson however, in the next moment, Sybil screams and her labor begins.

The men and Lady Violet wait in the study and Lady Mary enters to announce that a girl has been born and she and Sybil appear to be fine. Upstairs, Sybil complains of being tired, and says that she "just wants to sleep." She has a private moment with Cora where Sybil, visibly still in distress, tries to talk to her about Tom's plan to move them to Liverpool, where he can work as a mechanic. Cora says they'll talk about it in the morning. No. Not on this show, you don't. You don't wait until the morning. You nail that shit down. Cora says, "Now, sleep, darling,"

If you don't have your hankies prepared, get them out now.

Downstairs, Carson announces the birth to the staff. Jimmy asks Thomas if Thomas likes Lady Sybil. Is Jimmy really asking if Thomas is into chicks? Thomas responds with the simple answer that he worked with Sybil in the war. O'Brien approaches Jimmy after Thomas leaves. Jimmy says he wants Thomas to keep his distance, and O'Brien smiles slyly. Is Jimmy repulsed by Thomas's overtures or is he interested, but doesn't know what to do with his feelings? Will Julian Fellowes stop cock-blocking Thomas and let him get some action? We all know if Thomas got laid every once in a while, he wouldn't be such an asshole.

We all know pride goeth and all that jazz, but I don't think Robert was quite prepared for later that night. Sybil is going into toxic shock – eclampsia -- and they're not going to be able to save her. Clarkson tells them there's nothing to be done, and Robert desperately asks Tapsell if Clarkson is wrong. He's not. Tapsell has already realized Clarkson was right all along. Soon Sybil is unable to breathe, in pain, and surrounded by her crying and disbelieving family, she dies. There is silence in the room except for the sound of tears, and a moment later, the baby cries.

Carson delivers the news to the stunned staff, who have been roused from their beds. Mrs. Hughes comforts a crying Daisy. In a rare moment of humanity, Thomas breaks down. He tells Anna that Sybil was one of the very few people in his life who have been kind to him.

Please now produce your second hankies. Lady Cora is sitting with Sybil, who has been laid out on the bed where she died. In an affecting and well-acted scene (can we get Elizabeth McGovern an Emmy already?), Cora promises to look after Branson and the baby. Mary enters, and Cora asks Mary to ask Robert to sleep in the dressing room.

Life does continue at Downton. Mr. Murray keeps his appointment talk to Anna, who is wearing mourning but still tells him about the pie crust. Matthew talks to him after his interview with Anna, and Mary barges in. She chastises them for talking about business after Sybil has just died. Murray lies and says he didn't know and excuses himself, leaving Matthew on the hook. Has this most recent episode of Robert's poor judgment given impetus to Matthew to get things moving on saving Downton?     

Branson and Mary are upstairs with Sybil. Edith enters and tells them that the undertaker has arrived. Mary and Edith agree to be less bitchy to each other in the future. Cora, on the other hand, is mad as hell. Lady Violet tries to assure Robert that this is the time to cherish Sybil's memory, but Robert is fully aware that he ignored Clarkson's advice.

In seriousness, you haven't lived until you've seen Maggie Smith show mourning and steely resolve in less than three lines that are little more than "oh hai!"

What will happen with Branson? Will Sybil's daughter be christened Catholic or Protestant? We all know from last week's episode that Robert thinks Catholics are Johnny Foreigner. Will he relent this time or try to maintain control (given his recent decision-making, will end in disaster)? Cora's holding Robert at fault, so will Branson follow suit? If Mary and Matthew can't conceive, will they persuade Branson to let them adopt the baby and somehow get the entailment changed to allow for a female heir?

Kudos to Jessica Brown-Findlay for her performance in her final episode. The internet says she has been cast in a film adaptation of A Winter's Tale, opposite Russell Crowe. A Winter's Tale is a period piece, so we will still get to see her rock an Edwardian frock. Best of luck, Jessica!

"The sweetest spirit under this roof is gone."  Rest in peace, Lady Sybil. You will be missed.

Recapping AHS: Time is Not on My Side

Sorry we're a little behind on the AHS recaps. Fear not! The first of the final two of this season is here!

Nighttime at Kit’s house in 1967. Peace, tranquility, etc. Right up until the moment we see Kit wander into the frame, covered in blood, breathing heavy and holding an axe. “Daddy?” someone calls. “Be there in a minute,” Kit responds. Oh dear.

Should end well.

Act I! Grace is drawing the aliens while Alma talks about all the food they’re growing in their garden and the two kids play in the living room together. They’ve clearly formed a tidy little non-traditional Summer of Love home together. Neat. That night, Alma tells Kit she’s worried that Grace has been obsessed with the aliens. Kit thinks she just needs time to process, but Alma urges Kit to spend the night with Grace instead of her, I guess to help her, ahem, get less focused? Whatever, Grace is in her room still sketching creepy pictures. She tells Kit she’s doing this so that their children will understand where they came from and that Alma needs to stop trying to forget the past. Kit starts with the sexy time when cue the pulsing alien lights which suddenly come back and Alma begins to freak believing they’re here for her. Kit grabs the baseball bat again and runs outside. Turns out its not aliens at all, but locals who are taunting the household because of the unconventional nature of it. The cops aren’t too eager to chase down anyone given that polygamy is illegal in Massachusetts. It’s all a lot for Alma, who is slowly breaking down. Later, Grace and Alma argue about discussing the aliens in front of the children. Alma equates the experience to being raped and tortured and she doesn’t appreciate being told it was transformational and beautiful by the axe-murderer that her husband brought home to her and she’s had to adjust to. Guess the set up isn’t as peaceful as it looked. The argument ends in slaps and thrown dishes before Kit breaks it up. That night, Kit finds Grace in the living room drawing in the dark. Grace tells Kit how much she loves him and their collective family, but she believes “the future is coming” and they can’t hide from it and Alma needs to understand that. I’d say the scene is peaceful, except that’s right when Alma buries an axe into Grace’s back and beats her with it over and over. Kit pulls her off, but it’s too late. Grace is quite dead and Alma is left cowering in the corner, begging for the aliens not to return while Kit holds the axe.

Act II! 1968. In Briarcliff, Jude, Pepper and some other inmates sit around a table playing Candyland like it’s poker. Even as an inmate, Jude rules the roost and the others defer to her. Pepper even calls her “boss” after Jude orders her to check another inmates lithium levels. Monsignor enters the room and asks Jude for a word, but Jude scoffs that since he had her renamed Betty Drake to cover for her “death”, she’s got nothing to say. Monsignor tells her that he’s leaving Briarcliff because he’s been appointed Cardinal of New York. Also, the church has sold the facility to the state and shit is about to get bad. Monsignor says he wants to get Jude out to assuage his conscience. Later, new inmates from the state are brought in (Including Alma, btw) and who should be one of them but the Angel, flanked by two female flunkies, smoking a cigarette and looking significantly less angelic. Jude freaks and says she didn’t call her here. The “Angel”, a women’s prison inmate convicted for murder informs Jude that she’s about to become the new Queen Bee around here, but she’s willing to let Jude be “one of the girls” with her. Jude is wicked confused and confides in Pepper that she needs to get out of here, but Pepper cautions Jude not to trust Monsignor. Jude is disturbed that night to see that the “Angel” is her new cellmate. She tells Jude that everything belongs to her, now, including Jude. The next day, the “Angel” is running the common room, going all sexual harassment on a scared Alma and then shanking another inmate who was “challenging” her. That night, Jude wakes in her room to see the Angel back to being Angelic, dressed all in black, wings unfurled and moving into her for a kiss. “I don’t want to die,” screams Jude bringing the guards into the room. 

Seems like there's got to be a slash fic arena for this, right?

As the guards pull the two apart, Jude sees the “Angel” isn't the Angel at all, but someone else entirely and Jude has been hallucinating what the woman looks like all this time. Jude is brought in a straight-jacket to the new head doctor. Jude considers telling the truth when asked about the fight, but lies and says she just doesn't like the new woman. The doctor says Jude has gotten into fights with five of her new roommates over the past months. Huh? Jude asks about when Monsignor is going to get her out of here. She spoke to him on Monday. The doctor tells Jude that the now Cardinal has been gone for two years. Jude insists something’s going on and the doctor should ask Pepper for clarification. Bad news - Pepper died in 1966. Long story short – Jude has seriously gone off the deep end. The doctor is going to up Jude’s meds, but promises everything will be alright.

Act III! 1969. An extremely well-coiffed Lana is at a book reading for her bestselling memoir about her time in Briarcliff, “Maniac.” Lana dramatically reads a selection about being held in Thredson’s basement as Thredson brings in another woman to torture. “That’s bullshit,” Lana hears from the back of the audience and Thredson stands up. Clearly not really there, no one else reacts but Lana listens as he chastises her for making up things in her book. “It’s my job to tell the essence of truth,” Lana defends herself, causing a vision of Wendy to emerge who demands to know why, then, did Lana say Wendy was her roommate in the book and not her lover. Lana says their relationship “wasn’t pertinent.” Thredson accuses Lana of only being interested in the fame. 

Actually, I'm only interested in finally wearing something other than an industrial mumu, but whatevs.

Later, Lana autographs copes and divas herself to a long-suffering assistant when Kit shows up. They embrace and head for coffee, as former inmates often do. Over drinks Lana gushes about selling the rights to Hollywood and going on talk shows. Kit wants to know why Lana hasn’t exposed Briarcliff like she said she was going to, asking why she isn’t being a reporter rather than a celebrity. Kit tells Lana that Alma has recently died inside Briarcliff and so he wants to get the only person left that he cares about out of there – Jude.

Act IV! Kit tells Lana about finding Jude in an utterly dismal, filthy and overcrowded common room, disheveled and drugged but still alive. Jude's definitely gone native, telling Kit about how The Flying Nun is really the story of her life.

Scene from a light-hearted 1960s romp? Clearly. 

 Lana says Monsignor told her Jude killed herself and what can she do now? After all, “Every bed in that place, she made. Her choice.” Kit can’t believe Lana has gotten so hardened. Cut to modern day as Johnny approaches the same bookstore that Lana once gave her reading in, now going out of business. Johnny asks the sole old woman proprietor for the store’s one autographed copy of Maniac. The owner tells him it’s not for sale, it’s a private copy. Johnny throws down a lot of money and says he’s Lana’s son, but the owner tells him not possible – Lana’s only child was the baby born by rape which died shortly after birth. Johnny convinces her to let him just look at the book. Johnny says she’s going to give him that book and that he has a plan to meet Lana where he’s going to use the book to get to her and once she understands who he is, he’s going to shoot her in the face and finally complete his father’s work. Sufficiently creeped out, the owner gives him the book. 

Stop Whining and Find Something to Do

Get out your shoulder pads and sparkly dresses! It's time for Dynasty Downton Abbey! Julian Fellowes has got his mojo on in this episode, so get out your newfangled electric toasting ovens and let's make some brioche! Carson is passing out envelopes to each member of the staff. Party invitations? Don't be silly. Those poor SOBs downstairs only get to have a party when someone hands them a sock. It's mail call. Once again, Anna hasn't gotten any letters from Bates.  We learn that Bates also isn't being allowed visitors, so we get to play the game of, "Who is unfairly picking on Bates now?"

Isobel has a letter from Ethel for Mrs. Hughes.  Mrs. Hughes asks after Ethel and learns that she's become a prostitute, which is not something we say at Downton Abbey. Isobel says "prostitute" with such relish that she really makes up for the lack of its utterance in other quarters.

Poor people sometimes have to make humiliating choices? Shocking!

Carson wants to know if he can now hire more staff since the influx of Matthew's capital. JobCreatory McInheritancepants wants to know if that's really necessary, and there's subtext that maybe what Matthew wants to do with his take in the estate is eliminate some positions. 

More after the jump.

At breakfast, Spinster Edith reminds Robert and Matthew that she's not married. But she is SO over Strallan. Oh, look. Those adorable Americans are giving women the vote. How jolly of them. Robert thinks these silly females have the vote, and Edith reminds him she doesn't since she's not over 30 (but she's #foreveralone) and doesn't own property. Robert tells Edith she sounds like Sybil. At least he doesn't have to worry about her getting married at all, let alone someone beneath her socially. Ha! Matthew tells Edith to write to the Times and she says she thinks she will. Robert reminds Edith of her place and tells her to ask her mother if she needs any help with their "toffee-nosed" (his words) archbishop dinner guest.

(History hour: In 1918, Parliament passed an act giving the vote to women who were over 30 and who owned property, were the wives of men who owned property, occupiers of property worth more than £5, and graduates of British universities. Edith is quite right that she doesn't qualify.)

In breakfast is the most awkward meal of the day news, Carson tells Anna she will be officially promoted to Mary's lady's maid once they hire a new maid. They will also be taking on a footman and Thomas is hopeful it will be the footman of his dreams. O'Brien has been putting her machinations to good use and wants an assurance from Carson that Alfred will be first footman. Thomas tells Alfred he looks like a Weasley, and then Mrs. Hughes and Carson talk semi-privately about Mrs. Hughes's letter from Fallen Woman Ethel.

Upstairs, Mary is converting the nursery into a sitting room. Matthew mentions Mary has been to the doctor. She's not preggers, just sneezy. Matthew is eager to hear the pitter-patter of little flippersfeet, but Mary's body language indicates she doesn't have much interest in breeding.

In old maid news, Edith's outfit is SO DAMN CUTE. At least bitch has some good clothes. She talks to Granny about a potential hobby for her. Turns out that, shockingly enough, there's not much to do at Downton. Granny reminds Edith that she's smart and has "reasonable" abilities, SO STOP WHINING AND FIND SOMETHING TO DO. (The official slogan of the British Empire from 1915 to 1939 until the Blitz began.)

Downstairs, Mrs. Hughes catches Anna crying.  Anna says nothing is wrong, she's just crying because she's so happy to be Lady Mary's maid at last. No, really. She reveals she hasn't heard from Bates. Mrs. Hughes reassures Anna that she's sure Bates isn't just being gallant and trying to set her free. (Bates? Gallant? What?)

Meanwhile at the Bastille, Bates is honing his newfound penchant for crocheting flour sacks. (His other hidden talent: underwater basket-weaving.) Bates has been reported as a violent prisoner because he gave his cellmate a wedgie. Bates learns his mail has been seized, so that's the end of that worry. But at least he can carry on playing some malicious game of "find the shit I hid in your mattress" with his cellmate. Good grief.

Back at Downton, Carson is helping Alfred learn about bouillon spoons! Bouillon is not the same as soup! This is super-secret footman knowledge and Thomas doesn't like it being revealed to just anyone.

Over at Isobel's, Ethel wants Mrs. Hughes to write to the Bryants to ask them to adopt Charlie. No surprises there. Isobel's maid Mrs. Bird does not take kindly to handing prostitutes their coats. 

My people haven't suffered through multiple generations of degrading physical labor to suddenly be nice to the unfortunate, you know.

In mysterious phone call news, Sybil calls Downton and leaves a cryptic message about flats and being all right, leaving Edith about as confused as she was on her wedding day. Cora and Mary are wearing matching tiaras (Edith doesn't get one because she's not a pretty, pretty princess) and Edith gives them the message. There is brow-furrowing.

Branson manages to interrupt dinner yet again. He's on the run after attending meetings with some Fenians where attacks on the Anglo-Irish were discussed and now some compatriots have sort of attacked Lord and Lady Drumgoole's estate.  But it's sort of okay because Lady Vi thinks the house was totes hidz. Robert is Fed Up with Branson and he’s now going to have to go to London to pull some strings so Branson doesn't get arrested. Class warfare FTW.

Downstairs, Carson does not like electric toasters and sheltering dangerous revolutionaries.

The next morning, there is MANCAKE ready in the kitchen. There's a new applicant for footman and his name is Washboard Abs. Actually, his name is Jimmy. Washboard Jimmy used to work for a cougar dowager countess, and Carson hints during the interview that he's a manslut. Hello!  Hey. O'Brien ain't made of wood. Neither is Mrs. Hughes. Thomas is of course smitten. You see, the thing Thomas likes about footmen is that he keeps getting older, but they stay the same age. 

Yup. No way that I'm a romantic plot point in development.

Speaking of sluts, Ethel brings Charlie to meet his grandparents. Okay, I have to digress here. I am heartless and devoid of a functioning maternal instinct, but damn that kid is cute. Lots of things changed after the war, but Mr. Bryant is still an asshole as well as a stalker and has been having her followed. Unsurprisingly, he slut shames her for being a prostitute. Lady Bryant, who is a really sweet lady, tells Ethel they're prepared to offer her some money. Isobel encourages Ethel to take the money and keep Charlie with her, even though it won't be enough to send him to Eton and Oxford. In the end, she decides to give Charlie to the Bryants, and Lady Bryant promises to write to Ethel. Ethel really doesn't have many choices here. She's ineligible for a widow's pension because she wasn't married to Charlie's father, and with no money, no education, no social connections and no social welfare programs in place at this point in history, girl is SOL. It really is up to Isobel now to find some way to personally help Ethel out of her predicament. 

I want to make a snarky comment but...just...<sob>.

Sybil arrives at Downton and she and Branson make out in the entrance hall. Ah, l'amour.

Daisy's finally accepted William's father's overtures of friendship, and she visits his farm. She asks her ostensible father-in-law if it's all right for her to like Alfred. Mr. Mason is totally cool with this and encourages Daisy to tell Alfred how she feels.

Matthew informs Mary that he's been looking through the estate's books. Turns out, not only is Robert a bad investor and a terrible father, but he also sucks at managing his estate. What Robert does have going for him is connections, and Branson's punishment for his gangsta activities is that he is banned from returning to Ireland. During dinner, Edith reveals that she did in fact write to the Timesand Lady Violet chastises her. Why shouldn't she? Lady Sarah Wilson was a war journalist. Because, my dear, she's a Churchill. The Churchills are different. As we learned in the last episode, the Churchills do things like get divorced.

Carson sees smoke and figures it's Branson trying to set the house ablaze. Nope. It's just Mrs. Hughes trying out her new rinky-dink toaster. Branson is too busy with his newfound marital problems to bother with pyromania. Turns out, Sybil didn't take too kindly to Branson's attending Fenian arson parties. Branson tells Sybil that he can't stay at Downton, and she tells him that he must.  So, it's entirely likely that he won't and will, in the grand tradition of Irish rebels, get his ass shot.

Come come! Earl's Daughter Speaks Out for Women's Rights. It's in the Times! Robert told Edith that they wouldn't print it and they did. In your face, Pappy! Matthew supports Edith and tells Robert he will, too, when he stops PMSing.

Down in the kitchen, Daisy's long-awaited kitchen maid arrives and she steals her man! Well, Alfred's not her man. She was going to tell him how she felt until that skank arrived. Alfred's smitten with the new Miss Ivy Stewart, and Daisy realizes that she's just been demoted to the Friend Zone.

As for Anna and Bates, they both get their letters. They read them. Etc. Going by the preview for next week, it looks like there might be some resolution to the Vera murder mystery. I know! It was Mrs. Patmore in the wine cellar with a candlestick! 

Sri's Glee Squee-cap: Yay Kurt!

There was a lot going on in tonight's episode of Glee, so I broke it down into categories - New York, Romance, and Story Arc (i.e. actual plot). The best stuff is the Kurt stuff, so let's start there!

New York: It's Kurt's first week at NYADA, and he's finding that college can be a cliquey as high school. Rachel (bitch) has abandoned him to spend time with her new boyfriend, Brody, so he decides to look into extracirriculars to meet some new friends. He's interested in the NYADA show choir, the Adam's Apples, but Rachel (bitch) warns him that it would be "career suicide." OK, suddenly show choir isn't cool enough for you? Enter Adam, the hot British founder of the group, who starts courting Kurt - for the choir, or for more...? AND THEN they sing the Jonathan Coulton version of "Baby Got Back," and I about crawl into my TV to join the group myself. Kurt gathers his courage and asks Adam out, and he says yes! Rachel (bitch) and Brody have a fight and make up or something, blah blah blah who cares. 

On one hand, I would love to see Kurt and Blaine get back together.
On the other hand... this is Adam. RAWR. 

Romance: Tina is crushing on Blaine (yes, you read that right) and suggests the student council put on a Sadie Hawkins dance so she can ask him out. Finn uses the opportunity to have the Glee girls sing for their dates - but Blaine rejects her in front of the entire club. Humiliating for her, but Unique throws some EPIC side-eye, so I'm kind of OK with it. Blaine eventually confesses that he is crushing on Sam, and they bond over wanting someone they'll never have. They go to the dance together in the end, and Tina falls hard. This should serve as a cautionary tale, children - Don't be a Fag Hag. Be an Alternative Lifestyle Enthusiast.  

Did you learn NOTHING from the Mercedes/Kurt fiasco in Season One?

Kitty tries to lure Jake away from Marley with a blatant come-on, and her obvious villany makes me long for the days of Quinn's more subtle sabotoge. Puck intervenes, telling her to back off since Jake is - for once - trying to do the right thing. For all her faults, Kitty does have some killer lines: "I don't like Jake. I'm a mean, hot bitch who likes to get what she wants." So she decides to go to the dance/have sex with Puck instead. They do have a touching moment on the dance floor where she encourages him in his screen writing. Is this going to be an actual thing? 

Story Arc: Sam suspects the Warblers are on steroids - they've gained 10 lbs of muscle and are raging over Splenda in their lattes at Starbucks. The dyanmic duo discover that Trent, the missing "sunshine" of the group, refused the juice and was summarily dismissed. Will Finn and the guys convince him to testify against the Warblers, thus disqualifying them from Regionals and give the New Directions another chance?!? Of course they will. 

Hello, my name is Trent and I'll be your dues ex machina for the evening. 

Other Notes: Not enough Unique, either in the plot lines OR in the musical numbers. It was a SADIE HAWKINS dance, which is supposed to be about reversing gender roles, and you leave your one trans character on the bench? Poor form, Glee, poor form. Also, the return of Lauren Zizes! Please, please come back - and bring the thuggery.

Deception

Well, crap.

That's all I need right now--another show to get hooked on. I mean, seriously. There's only so many hours in a day! What am I, super woman?

Anyway, Deception is fun and you should totally watch it. The End.

What, you wanted more? FINE. Think of Deception as Revenge meets Veronica Mars. A wealthy socialite, Vivian Bowers, is found dead in a hotel room of an apparent drug overdose, but suspecting there might be murder afoot, Detective Joanna Locasto goes "undercover" to infiltrate the rich and powerful Bowers family to determine the truth of what really happened.

I say "undercover," because it turns out Joanna grew up with the Bowers family (her Mom worked for them) and Vivian was her best friend. She is welcomed back into the Bowers family, but they don't know she is a cop or that she is working with the FBI to discover whether any of the family members were involved in Vivian's death.

 

Any murderers in this room? No? Carry on then.

While the show is basically a Revenge rip-off...there is still a lot to like here. First off, the main character is a woman of color and is smart and capable. That doesn't happen a lot on tv, you know. Second, there are some great performances. Victor Garber as the head of the Bowers clan, Tate Donovan as his oldest son--both are really great.  There's just something about a rich family full of secrets that is just so delicious to watch. Each episode includes revelations regarding the Bowers family and possible motives--as of now the murderer could have been anyone. Which is just the way I like it.

If you don't have room on your viewing schedule for another Rich People Murder Show then you might want to leave this be, but if you never got around to watching Revenge or the new Dallas, check out Deception. I think you will find a lot to like.

Deception airs Mondays at 10pm on NBC.

Secrets within secrets within secrets...DECEPTION. (that was an Inception joke in case you didn't get it)

The Biggest Loser

Fair warning: this is going to be one of those posts where Maggie Cats uses a television show to delve into her personal problems and tell you way more about herself than you ever needed to know. Ok, so maybe it won't be that bad--but get ready for some personal shit.

I never particularly wanted to watch The Biggest Loser. Why? Because I've been overweight, nay, fat for most of my life. I was a chubby kid and I was a chubby adult. At my peak weight 4 years ago I was big enough to compete on The Biggest Loser. There's a sobering thought for you. It took my Mom having a heart attack and my Dad having a triple bypass to wake me up to the sad reality that my heart was a ticking time bomb. From that point on I swore I would not let myself end up like that, and I got serious about getting in shape. Almost 70 pounds later I still have quite a ways to go, but I feel great about how far I have come.

So what does this have to do with The Biggest Loser? I never wanted to watch the show because I didn't want to see other people who were as big as me who were able to get their act together. Once I did start getting serious about getting fit, I just assumed the show would be about watching fat people run around and isn't that HILARIOUS? Basically, fat humor hits a little too close to home for me, so it wasn't anything I was ever interested in.

And then I discovered Jillian Michael's workouts. I've done three of them so far and love them. I am sure some people find her loud, annoying, and mean, but to me she is absolutely motivational. I know she got her start in the mainstream on The Biggest Loser, so when I heard this season she would be returning to the show--my curiosity got the better of me and I just had to tune in.

Well, color me surprised, but the show was not anything like I expected. It's a reality show, so it comes with all the usual annoyances--product placement, sound bites that repeat action we just saw two seconds ago, a sometimes glacial pace (especially in the bloated two hour episodes)...but underneath all that corporate crap is a group of people who are willing to work their asses off (literally) to get healthy. It wasn't about making them look funny or stupid or sad, but it was about everyone just working together to lose the weight.

She might just "accidently" miss and smack Jillian in the face. Not that we would blame her.

I was only about 10 minutes in before I wanted to cry. Not because it was "so beautiful!" or "they are so brave!" but because I saw so much of my old self in the people on the show. I had felt the way they felt and had gone through similar things. And watching them all work so hard with their trainers...even though I had already done my workout for the night, I just had to get off the couch and lift some weights. If they could work so hard, what excuse did I have? 

And in the end, that's why I'll keep watching. The show actually is motivational. Sure, there is some producer-manipulated tugging of the heart strings, but who cares? Some nights I don't feel like working out, but I just think of The Biggest Loser folks and all of a sudden my excuses don't seem to matter much. And yeah, maybe that's cheesy, but it's the truth. Oh, and it makes me VERY invested in the eliminations because I don't want any of these people to go home! I've watched them all struggle and work and it's just heartbreaking when the work isn't reflected in the weight loss. Perhaps in a couple weeks if the claws come out and people start backstabbing one another I'll change my tune, but for now? I LOVE THEM ALL.

As for Jillian, I have to admit it's nice to see her yell at someone other than me for a change. When she's not running the actual workouts she tends to veer a little too much into Oprah territory ("why do you think you sabotage yourself?), but you can tell she genuinely cares about the contestants and wants them to do well. When she started crying at the elimination...that's when I kind of lost it too. 

The Biggest Loser airs Monday night at 8:00 on NBC.

Going to the Chapel of First World Problems

Lady Gillian returns to give us more Downton Abbey recapping goodness!

Hello, English lit doctorates! Good thing your shift at the bookstore ends at eight so you can be home in time to catch Downton on PBS at nine! That Ph.D. was a good investment after all!

Downton is prepping for the Edith/Strallan wedding. It will be less of a swanky affair than Mary's wedding, since the Crawleys don't love Edith as much as they love Mary. Down in the servants' hall, Thomas and O'Brien flirt exchange barbs. Thomas approaches Moseley about his friend's daughter, who is looking for a position as a lady's maid. Moseley would like to get her in as a lady's maid so she won't have to debase herself by being a house maid. Thomas wants to be helpful and tells him a "secret" about O'Brien.

Cora and Robert are in the study discussing how they're going to about selling Downton. They have land near Durham and they intend to move there to a smaller house. They decide to go visit this tenement that they're likely going to be moving to. Moseley tells Cora he wants to put forward a candidate as O'Brien's replacement when she leaves the Crawleys' service. As in Thomas is playing him like a fiddle. Cora's taken off-guard and the Crawleys are most aggrieved. It's so hard to find conniving help these days.

Matthew has a case of sadface on so we know he's thinking about all the money he has to inherit. Again. If only there were other young men in Britain one could leave one's millions to. Unsurprisingly, Mary is Downton Crabby with Matthew still about his unwillingness to share his good fortune with the rest of the family.

Modern-day audiences will no doubt empathize with having so much money that you can afford to reject the offer of a free country estate out of principle.

More after the jump!

Meanwhile downstairs in the servants' hall, house-elf Daisy is asking Alfred about why he liked Shirley MacLaine's maid, Miss Reed. Alfred responds that it was because she was outspoken. Last week as we recall, Daisy was on strike. This week, she's likely turning feminista to attract the notice of one Alfred the Footman.

Carson tells Mrs. Patmore he thinks it's time they lessened Mrs. Hughes's workload.  His Spidey sense was telling him that Mrs. Hughes had been tested for cancer, and Mrs. Patmore accidentally confirms his suspicions.

During cigars and brandy, Robert talks with Strallan. Strallan says he will do his best to make Edith happy. Robert says he's happy Edith is happy and he's happy Strallan intends to keep her happy and he's happy about the happiness but no, he's not happy about it, actually.

Edith and Strallan have five minutes on their own. They spend this romantic interlude discussing the Duke and Duchess of Marlborough's scandalous divorce! (Actually happened IRL!) Edith is happy because she will finally have someone to control take care of. She tells Strallan she wants him to be her life's work. Yikes.

Lady Isobel is teaching the hookers how to sew. Why, it's Ethel yet once more. She's still a hooker and she doesn't want help. Well, she does want help, but not for herself. Clearly, it's baby Charlie she's coming about. And she leaves again.

In Agatha Christie news, Yorkshire lass Anna is asking about Vera in Vera's old neighborhood. Vera's neighbor Mrs. Bartlett takes agreed-upon funds from Anna and calls her a trollop. Anna, who is a lady's maid, thank you, and has manners, continues to question her. Mrs. Bartlett tells Anna that Vera was afraid of Bates and is pretty positive that he killed Vera.

Bates is in prison walking in a chain-gang circle. I'm not sure what kind of hard labor Bates has been sentenced to, but it's apparently an existential exercise in boredom. Yawn.

"Who am I? 24601!"

The Downtonites go on a picnic to look at their potential new home and OMG IT IS A SHACK. Branson points out the obvious to Sybil that it's a palace to most people. You'd think Sybil would have figured that out on her own, but nope. Isobel thinks it's unfair that Edith will be married by the regular vicar instead of the archbishop they had at Mary's wedding. Edith says she doesn't mind. Sure you do, Edith. Sure you do.

Away from everyone, Matthew reveals to Mary that Swire wrote a letter to each of the potential heirs. Matthew hasn't opened the letter. Well, why would he? It might contain some valuable information about why Reggie would name Matthew as a potential heir. Best to just burn it and continue flagellating himself.

After returning from luncheon at Downton Hovel, Isobel asks Mrs. Hughes about an address for Ethel, confessing that she's "fallen into a bad way" and Mrs. Hughes, worldly lady that she is, understands the situation completely. Now Ethel's a whore for realz.

Bates rummages through his bed looking for whatever his cellmate put there. The guards have been tipped off that Bates has some contraband. I don't remember what Bates's cell mate's name is – I think it's Bubba or Tiny or something – but this plot feels recycled. Bates doesn't have to deal with Thomas's scheming directly, so he has a cellmate who acts like Thomas. Way to shake things up, Julian Fellowes!

Upstairs, Cora clears things up with O'Brien. Turns out, no, she had no plans to leave actually. Cora then confronts Mrs. Hughes about her illness, which she heard about from Carson. Cora tells her that they will look after her, no matter what. Mrs. Hughes is clearly touched and rather surprised by Cora's offer. She doesn't dote upon the aristocracy like Branson does, so she clearly wasn't expecting them to look after her during her illness.

After dinner convo involves making the best of Edith's marriage. Then Sybil makes things awkward by saying that Edith likely won't get much sleep on her wedding night.

Vi: "Vulgarity is no substitute for wit."
Sybil: "Well, you started it."          

Oh, snap.

In the servants' hall, Moseley apologizes to O'Brien and O'Brien learns Thomas started the rumor.  She silently vows to Get Even. Also, instead of being dragged to the altar to pity-marry a gassed William, Daisy and Alfred have an "I kind of like you in that way" thing happening and it's CUTE AS HELL.

In the Mary/Matthew love nest, Mary read the letter! Before she died, Lavinia wrote to Reggie after she tried to call off the wedding. After she died, Reggie changed his will to include Matthew so he would inherit in her name. Reggie knew Matthew wasn't in love with Lavinia, but named him as a potential (and unlikely) heir for her sake. So, you see if it only it weren't for the serial killer running around and killing everyone who stands to inherit before Matthew, this wouldn't even be an issue.

Making a rare appearance in the servants' hall is Lady Mary. Her ladyship asks the staff if anyone posted a letter for Lavinia on the day she died. Someone must have mailed it for her. They all say no. So of course it was probably Daisy. Annnnd, a moment later, Daisy enters and confirms it.

It’s time for another wedding! Edith's dress might be worse than Mary's but I could be wrong. Mary apologizes for being a bitch (she's got money now so she can be nice!) and wishes Edith luck. Lady Violet comments that Strallan looks tres miserable. Oh, no. Strallan's thrilled. That's his O face. As in OH MY FUCKING GOD. And then Oh God! Epic wedding FAIL. He says he can't marry her! In front of like everyone! He says he can't let her throw away her life. Oh, but she wants to! Please let her! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!! Robert rather weakly tells Strallan it's too late. The shit hits the knave and Lady Violet intercedes and tells Edith to let Strallan go. Strallan runs! Can he run? Well, maybe it's more like he walks briskly.

Edith – who can actually run – runs into Downton and up the stairs in tears. As an additional dramatic gesture, she flings off her veil and it floats all slo-mo past the banister and falls to the floor. Symbolism! She throws herself onto the bed like she's Scarlett O'Hara and cries. (In an ironic twist, I think some of the Plain Jane make-up they put on Laura Carmichael rubbed off amid takes and she looks prettier having hysterics than she does when Edith is perfectly calm.)

In happier times. Like, five minutes ago.

Cora, Mary and Sybil follow Edith into her room. Edith expresses her bitterness and rightly so. Sybil is married and pregnant and Mary is married and probably pregnant (FORESHADOWING) and so she tells them to get out. (In Scenes We Didn't See: Anna is ordered to burn Edith's tween romance novels.)

So what's going on here? Strallan said in the premiere that Edith had "given him his life back." He likes her but he doesn't like LIKE her? Is he still in love with his dead wife? Or is he giving her up because he knows that her family is unhappy with the match? In the former case, he's a douche and in the latter, he's a coward. Pretty sure Edith can do better. At least Branson wore his morning coat without any protest.

Meanwhile, Robert and Violet. There you are. Keep Calm and Trust Julian Fellowes. Robert unfortunately doesn't see that he has a role to play here because he's just grateful Strallan is out of his coiffed hair. Based on Edith's comment at the beginning of the episode that, "Finally something in this house is about me," it's obvious she's never been at the forefront of the Crawleys' concerns. Clearly, Edith did not receive enough attention from Robert and Cora while she was growing up. Otherwise, she wouldn't be throwing herself with reckless abandon at a man old enough to be her father. What will Edith do now? All of the inheritance-prone emo hotties in the area are married to Mary and all of the politically-minded chauffeurs are married to Sybil. She might have to look outside the Crawley box for a boyfriend. Or maybe follow Isobel's lead and, like, get a damn job or something.

On the other hand, Mary and Matthew are having the Best Week Ever. Matthew tells Robert he's going to take the money and they don't have to leave Downton. That perks him up a bit. Robert says he won't take the money but he will allow Matthew to invest in the estate and they will be joint masters of Downton.

How can we help Edith? Well, let's stuff our faces with the wedding food so she doesn't see any of it. At least we're all dressed properly for dinner this time. Also, the servants downstairs are having a yummy dinner. This is the best jilting ever. At the servants' table, Alfred says that Edith can do better and that what Strallan did was a dick move. Mrs. Hughes quite agrees with him. Carson will allow trash talk of the nobility just this once.

The next morning, Edith is hoarding catscrying in her bed. Anna asks Edith if she can bring her anything. Edith responds with, "A different life."  How about an arsenic pie? Edith accepts her role as a useful spinster and hauls her broken-down, arthritic, 25-year-old body downstairs for breakfast.

#foreveralone

In catfight news, O'Brien lets Thomas know she is a-plottin'. Thomas lets O'Brien know that he is a-plottin'. Just get drunk and have repressed sex already.

Isobel shows up at Ethel's house where one of Ethel's – ahem – clients is just leaving. A disheveled Ethel answers and Isobel tells Ethel that she's come to help her. Ethel says she's beyond help, but baby Charlie cries in the background. So, it's probable that Ethel will ask Isobel to take Charlie to his grandparents' house, whereas she was reluctant before.

Mrs. Hughes finds out the results her tests and it's not cancer. Carson expresses his happiness via polishing silver. He's very happy Mrs. Hughes is well and sings a little ditty involving the lyric, "She stole my heart away." You may all commence Carson/Hughes shipping starting…now!

But who's going to eat all this cake?

And the winner is....The Golden Globes.

Finally.

Finally.

An awards show worth watching. Hosts that were funny, winners that were surprising, and for the most part, speeches that didn't have me instantly reaching for the fast forward button.

Can we just get Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to host every award show from now until forever? Not only were they laugh out loud funny, but the jokes were fresh, and hit juuuuust the right note of poking fun at Hollywood and all their ridiculousness and not crossing the line into mean (hello, Ricky Gervais).

Best line of the night: "When it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron." SICK BURN, YO.

Even the presenters seemed better. I know a lot of people have a low Will Ferrell threshold, but I thought he and Kristen Wiig were really funny and clever. It's kind of interesting to see the people who are real stars and are utterly comfortable up on stage (e.g. George Clooney) and those who have the personality of a stump. Kind of lets you know who is a real star with talent and who is just lucky to have been born pretty.

Alrighty, per usual, we are going to hit it bullet point style. Because as I am writing this it is before 7 in the morning and I cannot be expected to form coherent thoughts that early.

--Jennifer Laurence continues to be one of my favorite people. EVER. She is ranked right up there with Joss Whedon as a person I think would be my best friend if only they knew me. Her speech (with references to beating Meryl Streep and Harvey Weinstein killing people to get her the award) was classic. And clearly off the cuff, but gracious, funny, and clever all at the same time.

--Anne Hathaway = not as annoying as I expected. I was afraid her speech would be full of "I can't believe I won!" style fakery, but she actually seemed genuinely grateful...if not surprised. And let's be honest, she won me over with her Princess Diaries shout-out.

--Lots of love for Game Change (the movie about Sarah Palin penned by Jonathan from Buffy) which meh. I saw the movie and while it was good...I just didn't get how it won so many categories.

--On a related note, is Showtime the new HBO? Because Homeland and that other show with Kristin Bell both did pretty well.

--I understand why Jennifer Garner and Anne Hathaway decided to thank other people when they had a chance at the microphone...but it still seemed tacky. You get your time, you make your speech, and you don't hijack other parts of the program to thank your agent, ANNE HATHAWAY. Tsk tsk.

--Some people have described Jodi Foster's speech as rambling, overlong, and strange...but you know what? I loved it. Sure it went off script there in the middle, but the emotion behind it was real and I have always thought she was a really fascinating woman. I had a bigger problem with the network cutting the audio when she started talking about how she had come out years ago (really, NBC??), and going on about how she loves Mel Gibson. I try not to be judgemental,* but it's hard to forget his bizarre behavior from a few years ago. Also, she looked amazing which is what really matters.

--Sacha Baron Cohen: I have never understood how people find him funny. He had the one good line about Russell Crowe's singing, but other than that whatevs. I just. don't. get. it.

--Argo! Pretty much the only best drama nominee that I actually saw so I don't really have anything to compare it to other than Lincoln, but I thought it was great. Was it the best movie of the year? Eh, I don't think so. But it's nice to see the underdogs take the prize. And yay for Ben Affleck! If that was anything but a big fuck you to the Academy I will eat my hat.

--I think one of the reasons the Globes seem to move around at such a good clip is because they do not give awards in technical categories. Is it wrong of me to just care about the acting and director/movie categories? Probably, since the technical folks are the ones doing the "real" work and this is pretty much their one chance to shine. But you have to admit that the portion of the Oscars where we get into the more technical stuff is when you take a bathroom break. 

--Can we just talk for a moment about how amazing Tina and Amy looked? Both of them have had issues with nailing red carpet style in the past, but I thought they were just flawless. And I appreciated the Hunger Games jokes about fitting into their dresses--and I got the distinct impression they were not actually joking.

All in all, it was probably the best awards show I've ever seen, and that's saying something. Here's hoping for a Fey/Poehler reunion next January!

Oh, and as for best dressed? I am going to have to go with Lucy Liu.

I know a lot of people see floral and automatically scream "drapes and couch!" but for me this was the dress of the night. The silhouette was stunning, it fit her to a tee, and the pattern and color were different enough that it stuck out in a sea of blush gowns. Sure, there may have been more classically beautiful dresses, but when I think of the the Golden Globes red carpet, this is the ONE gown that sticks out in my mind and I will always remember. So Liu gets the prize from me!

*HAHAHAHAHA. Wow, that was a nice trip down imaginary world lane, wasn't it?

Recapping AHS – This Episode Brought To You By The Breast Milk Council

Modern day. Johnny, the circa 2012 Bloody Face, waits along in his apartment, which looks suspiciously like Thredson’s. He has hired a prostitute specifically because she recently gave birth and is lactating. Johnny pays her and the sexy talk commences about the benefits of breast milk. Yes, really. Hey, everyone’s got their kink. “How bad do you want to taste this?” asks the prostitute. “I’d kill for it,” is Johnny’s response. Sigh.

Act I! Kit is awoken in his cell by Thredson who brings him to Grace and their newborn baby. Pepper, who is guarding Grace, sees through Thredson’s attempts at manipulation and is taken to the hydrotherapy room for her cheek. Given some time alone, Kit holds the baby whom Grace wants to name Thomas. Grace tells Kit about being with the aliens, how time moved differently there and how the aliens are not cruel, but unfortunately they’re also not perfect and they were not able to save Alma like they did Grace. Kit apparently deals with this news well, because he asks Grace to marry him. Grace says their child is special and that the kid will change the way people think and aw man, little Thomas is totally going to end up being the modern day Bloody Face in some kind of twist, isn’t he? Monsignor and his Holy Posse arrive and forcibly remove Thomas form his parents, taking him to an orphanage. Thredson bemoans the bad luck, but tells Kit he may be able to help, for a price. In the kitchen, Mother Claudia tells Lana that she’s springing her out of this joint. Mother Claudia asks Lana to use her medical file to write her memoir and “pull this place down and salt the earth.” Lana retrieves the tape with Thredson’s confession on it from a hiding place in the kitchen, but before leaving she finds Jude kneading bread blankly and promises to come back for her. In the lobby, Lana must sneak past Thredson in order to get out the front door. Thankfully, Kit distracts Thredson by promising to find the tape, allowing her to inch past them. Thredson realizes what has happened too late and runs to the front of the building in time to see Lana get into a waiting taxi. Mother Claudia and Thredson exchange come EPIC bitch face and Lana, in a crowning moment of awesome, hold up the tape to the taxi window for Thredson to see before flipping him off and making her way to freedom.

Hells Yes.

Act II! Thredson races home only to find a cleaned up and armed Lana waiting for him. Lana tells him the cops are on their way with the evidence she’s given them. Thredson is actually relieved saying that living with secrets is “not healthy.” He makes himself a drink, arguing that he’s never going to have the chance to get alcohol again, so don’t ruin this last opportunity for a martini, Lana. Have to say, I can’t honestly disagree with him. Interspersed between all their banter is a mirror scene of Johnny and the milky prostitute in 2012. Johnny is going to town on her and just to make sure no taboo-laden stone is unturned, we see Dylan McDermott wiping breast milk from his lips. Classy, guys. The prostitute notes Johnny has a mommy-fixation, which does not go over well as it enrages Johnny who starts yelling that his mother never loved him or his father and that there was only one person she ever really loved. Speaking of which, back in 1964 Lana demands to know what Thredson did to Wendy’s body. And just when you thought this show couldn’t get squickier, turns out Thredson used Wendy’s body to prepare for raping Lana. For “practice.” And we “get” to see the flashback. Just… ugh. Wendy’s body is now burned and cut up. Thredson says he’ll never even go to the electric chair because he’s clearly insane and maybe he’ll just go to a treatment center where they’ll let him run some groups. (The fact that he is excited about running a group session is, to me as someone who used to run them professionally in real life, proof that he is actually insane.) Thredson goes for a hidden gun, but Lana beats him to it, shooting him in the head.

Act III! Lana and her friends are putting flowers on Wendy’s grave. Lana tells them she’s decided to move to New York rather than return to the house. One of the friends gives Lana the name of a female doctor who can help her with her “little problem” when they are interrupted by reporters trying to get a picture of Lana. Lana sends the ladies away, advising them not to be seen with “The Sapphic Reporter” as she’s come to be called. 

Pretty sure there are adult movies with that name too.

The reporters hound her to her car, asking for a statement. “All I’ll say is read my book,” Lana says. Damn, Lana manages her brand wicked well, you guys. In the asylum, Monsignor notices the papers are starting to question his culpability, considering he’s the one who hired Bloody Face. He heads to the common room to find Jude rocking out to the jukebox. Jude says the demon got one thing right, the jukebox helps to keep joy alive. Jude taunts Monsignor for giving up his virtue to the devil. She admits for having impure thoughts for him herself, but she now sees that his lust for power has outweighed everything else. She is disillusioned and feels shame for him now, claiming she’s now saner as a madwoman than she ever was running Briarcliff. Monsignor has her confined to solitary to punish her. Meanwhile, Kit is discharged, seeing as how it’s now abundantly clear that he’s innocent. He asks to see Monsignor and offers a deal – Monsignor pretends that Grace died in Briarcliff and lets both of them walk out and fetch their son from the orphanage and they promise never to talk about the practices going on inside the asylum. Later, Kit and Grace arrive at Kit’s old home with young Thomas. The family seems hopeful about their new life, when suddenly a sound comes from the bedroom. Kit grabs a baseball bat and investigates and who should be sitting on the bed? Why, it’s a very living Alma, of course, and an infant son. More lives than a cat, that one.  Hey, remember how there seemed to be multiple modern day Bloody Faces back in the early episodes? Hrm…

Act IV! Lana meets with the abortion doctor. She confesses that in a different life, she would have loved to have baby, but, you know, not from a rapist who also murdered her lover. Understandable, provided you’re not a member of the modern day Republican party. This being 1964, the doctor has smuggled the tools into her home and sterilized them using hot water. Lana initially gives the go-ahead but begins to flashback on all the violence she saw in the asylum and stops, saying she can’t take more death. Months later, Lana meets with the police and details the patients that have done missing. Despite being noticeably pregnant, Lana wants the police to help her get into Briarcliff and break Jude out. The detectives bring a warrant to Monsignor, who breaks the bad news – Jude hanged herself in her room not two weeks earlier. Should we trust Monsignor? Of course not.  As Lana leaves the asylum, we see it becoming more chaotic, eventually leading us into the depths of the building until we see Jude locked into a cell and praying to St. Jude. Months later, Lana wakes in a hospital room to a nurse holding a screaming infant. The nurse says the infant is allergic to the formula and won’t Lana consider nursing him? Lana initially says she told the nurses she didn’t want to see the infant, but she relents and brings the child close to her breast, at which point he instantly stops crying and begins to feed.

Next week! Briarcliff begins to go (further) downhill.