Sneaky Ass White People

Oh, Dallas. Or as my friend Corey likes to call the show, "Sneaky Ass White People."

And that pretty much sums it up, right? Because these people aren't happy unless they are scheming and plotting and...what's another word for scheming? Whatever, that's what they do. Oh, and they're all white. Even the "hispanic" girl is like, barely tan.

Season 2, which began about a month ago, is roaring right along; one of the things I love about Dallas is that the plot moves. Anne Ewing decides to shoot her ex-husband (who kidnapped her daughter 20 years ago and raised her in another country and has tried to bring down the entire Ewing family) and the next episode she's on trial and convicted of murder. Most dramas would drag that storyline out for all it's worth. But not Dallas. After all, we've got John Ross cozying up to Rebecca, who was almost on the hook for the murder of her partner in crime, and is now starting to have feelings again for Christopher, who agreed to mediation to divorce Rebecca and have custody of the twins she is carrying, but now will have to deal with Elena owing Sue Ellen millions of dollars since her brother violated a loan contract when he transported stolen goods in a truck.

Got all that?

And we haven't even gotten to the plots that JR has in the works. 

So there are no complaints with the plot. Things are just as deliciously soapy and implausible as they were last season. And the acting isn't even horrible--I still think the older generation is schooling the kids on how to be crafty, but the younger folks are holding their own.

But there's a cloud over the proceedings. And that cloud is the recent passing of Larry Hagman, aka JR Ewing, aka the guy who got shot and caused all America to lose their shit trying to figure out who did it. In case you hadn't heard, Hagman died back in November from complications associated with leukemia. He's still going strong on the current episodes of Dallas though (which were filmed before his death, obviously).

I've avoided spoilers as to how the show will handle his death, and this has actually caused me some anxiety. JR is such a central part of the show and Larry Hagman has been the best part of the show's return, he's so delightfully evil and sleazy. I only hope that they do him justice with a send-off since he's basically the founding father of Dallas.

Oh, and another reason I love watching Dallas is because I can talk about it with my (previously mentioned) friend Corey. He has a way with words that is quite entertaining. For example, here is a sample of a discussion we had regarding an earlier episode where a new character, Becky, joined the proceedings, as a witness in Christopher and Rebecca's divorce trial.

Corey: But that damn John Ross really wants it all sooooooooooo bad…..but you already knew that something was going to happen to the star witness….she came forward a bit too cool.

Me: Her “little southern girl” act was a bit too much. “Gee, I’ve never been in a nice hotel before, mister!”

Corey: Yeah you are like….yeah this is 2013…you don’t have to talk like emma stone in “the help”

"Emma Stone?? I was going more for Bryce Dallas Howard...you know, more ignorant and racist."

Dallas airs Monday nights at 9:00pm on TNT. 

Thinning the Herd

Lady Gillian recaps the final episode of Downton Abbey's third season for us. What twists await? Read on to see!

Let me preface this recap by saying I didn't really want to watch this episode because I accidentally read a spoiler a few weeks ago, so I've been aware that a highly foreshadowed death of a major character would be taking place during the season finale. What's that you say? You didn't see that coming? Well, I bet someone I won't mention wishes he'd seen a certain truck coming as well, so there you are. Finally, I just sat down and watched the damn thing, owing to my ability to live-text Clovis whilst I watched it. There's also the one-cent-per-word contribution I am making in [REDACTED]’s memory to the Isobel Crawley Home for Whores, Tarts and PROSTITUTES.

A year has passed since last week's episode. It is now 1921 and everyone’s going on a trip. Unfortunately for CNN, no one's booked a Carnival cruise; they're just heading up to visit the Flintshires at Duneagle in Scotland. Lil Sybbie is growing and is now big enough to point at things. Yes, Sibbie. Those are poor people. Yes, they are. Things remain (sexually?) tense between Jimmy and Thomas, although Thomas is acquitting himself admirably in his new role as under-butler.

Guess who's coming to dinner, Scottish cousins?

Mary is expecting a baby at last! Finally, the royal succession will no longer be in doubt. No one wants her to go to Duneagle so close to her time, considering the complete fucking mess that resulted from Sybil's pregnancy and all of her gallivanting about. Gregson telephones roving reporter Edith to let her know that he will be going to Scotland at the same time they will be at Duneagle. What a kowinkidink. Mary and Robert obviously suspect shenanigans. Cora wants to meet him, but Robert really does not, because really. I think we have quite enough low-born people in this family already. That's not even the best part about Gregson, Robert. Just. You. Wait.

The Flintshires are based in Scotland and we will hereafter refer to Lord Flintshire as "Shrimpie" not due in any part to his failings as a husband and father, but because of a childhood game in which Shrimpie and his siblings pretended to be various sea creatures. Seriously. Branson isn't coming with since he wasn't included in the invite since he's a Muggle so he's charged with dogsitting Isis. The Crawleys are taking basic bare-bones staff: Bates, Anna, O'Brien and Moseley.  

Much more after the jump.

Downstairs, Alfred has the nerve to ask Carson if they're going to have some time off while the family is gone.  Carson is like um, no. You're going to be polishing silver for your impertinence. Harumph.

New maid Edna Braithwaite has a rather concerning interest in Sybil and, to a much larger extent, Branson. She asks all kinds of questions that make it clear to Mrs. Hughes that she Doesn't Know Her Place. Mrs. Hughes tells Edna that Sybil was beautiful and sweet and kind and you're not good enough for her sloppy seconds even, so make the bed and forget about Branson, m'kay? Edna invites none of our sympathy by wondering if Sybil didn't think she could do better than the chauffeur.  No! It was a great love story that transcended class boundaries but ended tragically! The Nerve.

Isobel is having Dr. Clarkson over for tea. Clarkson is concerned about the possibility of Mary giving birth in Inverness. At least these two can be frank. Isobel reassures Clarkson that things will likely go much better during Mary's delivery, and she invites Clarkson to the dinner she is having for Branson. Do I start shipping Isobel and Clarkson now or wait?

At Downton, Branson alone is in the breakfast room, staring off into space as per usual. Edna starts sympathy flirting. Branson says he's used to being left behind all on his own while the fine folks are off having a swell time in Scotland. Is the Crawley's HR person Pam from Archer?  Does no one tell Edna the tale of the nefarious Ethel? No one? 

Exterior shot of Duneagle. Well, that's a hell of a house. According to the good folks at DowntonWiki (which is a real thing), the filming site is Inveraray Castle in Argyll. Apparently, there's a tea room! And a gift shop!  Anyhoo, we meet Lord Shrimpie and Lady Susan Flintshire, parents to Problem Child Rose from last week,who hate each other. In the grand tradition of Poor Little Rich Girls, Rose acts up because Mumsy and Daddykins are always throwing china at each other and IT'S NOT FAIR!

Pictured: Bizarro Downton Abbey.

Down in the kitchen at Downton, gap-toothed player Joss Tupton has taken over Mr. Cox's grocery delivery and he likes Mrs. Patmore's vichyssoise. Mrs. Patmore pronounces him cheeky and shoos him away. Tupton “accidently” messes up her order by sending her the wrong kind of ginger and Mrs. Patmore asks Carson if she can send Alfred and Thomas into town to the grocery store. Carson protests because fun simply doesn't do, and only relents when he's told that Tom doesn't require (or want) a large amount of staff. Edna hears that Tom will likely have dinner at the Grantham Arms and so she decides to stalk him and show up there at the same time.

The Duneagle servants' hall is dreary as fuck. Apparently they all call the staff by the last name of the person they serve, and Anna and Bates think it's funny, although NO ONE ELSE DOES.  Anna reveals that she's still called Anna because…she's Anna. O'Brien feels Anna is being degraded by being called Anna even though she's been promoted to lady's maid. Lonely old lesbian O'Brien finds herself attracted to Lady Susan's maid, Wilkins.

Shrimpie warns the Crawleys that there will be a personal bagpiper assigned to each Crawley who will follow them around from dawn until dusk. Although we are told that Duneagle is the highlight of the Crawleys' year, they still haven't accustomed themselves to the constant bagpiping. Or this is a new feature or their stay? Anyway, yeah. We can't be on location in Scotland sans bagpipes. I'm just sayin'.

Isobel has Branson over for dinner.  She encourages Tom to take advantage of the Crawleys being away to catch up with his friends who work downstairs. He thinks Lady Violet wouldn't approve (he's right), but Isobel says she thinks Lady Violet probably disapproves of the working classes learning to read. Isobel encourages Branson that he has a right to talk to anyone who works "under" him, regardless of where they work because he is the agent of the estate. So, if he wants to talk to his former friends on the staff, he should feel free. Back at Downton, Tom runs into Mrs. Hughes downstairs, who makes him totally uncomfortable by asking his permission for the maids to clean. Branson's like sure, clean the damn house. I'm going to go walk the dog. And probably drink until 3 a.m. And wonder how the hell my life went wrong. And blame myself. And fall asleep in my clothes. On the floor.

Bloody hell. Bagpipes at dawn. The estate game warden (Neal? Neil? Niall? Sp?) is giving Matthew some stalking lessons. No, not Edna-style stalking! Deer stalking! Different kind of stalking! Neil explains to Matthew why we must periodically thin the herd.  It's for the good of the herd, you see. They've earned our respect and they deserve a clean death.

Robert thinks that Niall's un-Anglicized ghillies speak is simply maaaahvelous. Shrimpie tells Robert that he's being assigned to a foreign post. Meanwhile in the garden, Real Housewife Susan tells Lady Violet she doesn't know what godforsaken, malaria-infested hellhole the Empire is planning on sending them off to, but Rose will undoubtedly not want to go.

Back in the house, Edith telephones Gregson to invite him to the ghillies ball. Hormonal Mary questions Gregson's motives for going on a holiday near Duneagle, and Edith explains that there's no funny business. Gregson's merely on a sketching and fishing holiday. Really, what's it to Mary? She doesn’t get to be the belle of the ball AND have all the eligible men fall at her feet because she's married and knocked up?

In puppy wuppy news, it's bring your dog to a pub day. You can do that in Britain. Edna weirds us all out by being at the Grantham Arms, lying in wait for Tom. She invites Tom to join her and tell her all his woes. Branson tells her he dresses nicely now because he got tired of talking about his clothes every time he came downstairs. So did we, Branson. So did we. Like a good girl on the make, Edna invites Tom to have dinner with the staff, and he accepts. Edna thinks it's because of her, but she doesn't know that Isobel's encouraged Tom to socialize with his downstairs friends.

Over at Tupton's shop, Tupton tells Jimmy, Alfred and Thomas that there's to be a fair in town, with games and Modest Dances. Nothing shocking. All very moral and upstanding. Thomas wants to go with Jimmy, but Jimmy will only go if there's a group.  He's such a girl. Carson tells Mrs. Hughes that he's really getting annoyed with all of this responsibility-shirking hoopla and staff wanting to have this newfangled "good time." Then Mrs. Patmore approaches and asks for time off so SHE TOO can go to the fair. This is anarchy!

IRL fun, the kind of which Carson would not approve. 

At Duneagle, Gregson enters cocktail hour and he's received graciously by Lady Susan. Mary makes a remark about Gregson bringing his tails because he intended to have dinner at Duneagle. Cora, however, is stoked to meet Gregson and fangirls his newspaper. Robert shows that he still regards Edith as the Meg Griffin of Downton and says it puzzles him why Gregson employs "amateurs" like Edith. You know, if they're going to rehab Robert's character, can we drop the nasty attitude toward Edith? Bitch is trying.

Speaking of wayward daughters, it's all painfully clear to Cora and Lady Violet that Susan and Rose aren't getting along. Rose's rebellious attitude obviously serves as a distressing reminder of Sybil, and Cora nearly breaks down into tears. Lady Violet tries to comfort Cora, and then dinner is announced. Violet can see from the body language of the unhappy family trio that not only are Susan and Rose not getting along, but there's tension betwixt Susan and Shrimpie as well.

In heartbroken widowers news, Edna wants to spend more time with Tom, so she asks him if he's ashamed of who he was and if that is the reason why he won't eat with the servants. Edna is kind of only really thinking about herself, and so it doesn't occur to her that the guy is just miserable.

Outside at Duneagle, Anna and Bates are taking a stroll. He asks Anna out on a picnic and she agrees, but then they happen upon Rose, bawling and chain-smoking. She's complaining because Mumsy and Daddykins are arguing, and Mumsy is being simply dreadful. Bates tells her his childhood was craptacular, and so she should suck it up. Bates and Anna try to comfort her, but Lady Susan, who is almost Disney-esque in her evil, has already found Rose and orders her back to the party. AND NO MORE WIRE HANGERS, ROSE.

At Crawley House, Isobel is hosting Dr. Clarkson for dinner again, this time minus Branson. Clarkson thanks her for having him over and he tells her that it beats reading a medical journal and going to bed with…a glass of whiskey. Oh, my. The mention of bed gets Isobel all atwitter, and she wonders there for a second with what or whom he was going to bed.  (Prolly Ethel.)

No doubt bothered by Mary's not-so-subtle hints that Gregson is after Edith, Edith asks Gregson why he's come to Duneagle. Gregson says he thought it might be easier for Edith's family to accept him as her suitor if they got to know him first. Then he tells Edith that he's in love with her. Squee.

After all, I am technically younger than your last one. That's gotta count for something, right?

Rose bursts into Mary's room, looking for Mary, but she finds Anna. She thanks Anna for being kind to her because of all that Joan Crawford nonsense with Mumsy, and tells Anna that she owes her a favor. Anna instantly cashes in and gets hooked up with some beer for her picnic with Bates. Remember when Anna wants to learn to bust a move Highland style, and enlists Rose's help. She teaches Anna to dance for the ghillies ball so she can show Bates she's taken an interest in Scottish culture.

Robert, Shrimpie and Neal/Neil/Niall are stalking some stags. No aristocrats were harmed during the filming of this episode. (Well, maybe one.) Robert asks Shrimpie if everything is all right, and Robert assures him that divorce is a bit meh now that the Marlboroughs have done it. But, Shrimpie is reluctant because he has an official post, and figures once they've embarked for parts unknown, they won't spend much time together. Also, there is cholera to look forward to.

Mrs. Patmore has gone and bought herself a loverly new shirtwaist to prep for her date with Joss. Mrs. Hughes says there's only one reason why a man his age courts a respectable woman – he wants to get himself hitched. Branson finally works up the nerve to ask Mrs. Hughes if he can come down to dinner, and Edna a) does not get up to show respect for his position and b) thinks it's all due to her. Mrs. Hughes can see that there are shenanigans, and she may just have to Put Her Foot Down.

That's the thing about nature. There's so much of it. Matthew's finds metaphors about life being futile (while his is actually pretty stellar), while tramping through heather with Gregson. Matthew invites Gregson to go fly fishing with him the next day, and invites him to dinner.  Matthew understands why Gregson is there and he is the only one with enough tact to actually address the subject.

O'Brien's approached by Wilkins in the hall, and she thinks Wilkins wants a quickie, but really she just wants help with Susan's hair. Lady Susan wants O'Brien to fix her hair like Cora's. Wilkins is bitter and resentful toward O'Brien, and O'Brien almost gets a taste of her own medicine, but not quite.

We can't snipe at each other at dinner due to the bagpiping, so during cocktail hour, Mary wants to know if Gregson is one of Edith's hard luck cases. Edith asks her why she has to be so heartless. Because she's Mary. Over at the other end of the awkward spectrum, Cora tries to convince Rose that Mumsy is a bitch to her for her own good.

Branson's eating with the staff, and Carson doesn't like it one little bit, obvi.  Edna's really eager to have Tom come to the fair, and Edna asks him to drive them. Mrs. Hughes scolds her for being impertinent, but Tom's such a nice guy, he agrees. Alfred asks Carson if he wants to go with them.  No, he doesn't want to come to a fair, Alfred. D'oh.  At Crawley  House,  Clarkson asks Isobel on a date! To the fair! Old people in luvz FTW!

At the Fair, there is a carousel! There's a tug of war contest, and Thomas wants to enter with the Downton staff and Branson. Budding Top Chef contestant Alfred wants to find the food. Like the barnacle that she is, Edna takes Tom's arm and drags him away from the rest of the group, and Mrs. Patmore goes off to meet her gentleman friend. But at least Daisy and Ivy are getting BFFs now! So there's that!

Moar fun having! MOAR!

Jimmy puts a quid (an entire quid) on the Downton team in 10 to 1 odds. Jimmy asks Tupton to join their team, but Jimmy reveals to Alfred that he'd already asked him before he made the bet. Unsurprisingly, the Downton team wins, and Jimmy collects his tenner.

In a river runs through reality news, Matthew explains to Gregson that loving Edith isn't enough, given his situation. Matthew agrees that his position is a sad one, but he can't allow Edith to slide into a life of scandal. He won't tell Robert the truth, but he doesn't want Edith to become Gregson's mistress. He tells Gregson that he has to do the respectable thing, and say goodbye.

Jimmy gets trashed and pays thruppence for the girls to have a go at the ring toss. Ivy fails at hand-eye coordination, but Daisy wins a gold sovereign! Clarkson has Something He Wants to Ask Isobel. !!!!!! Jimmy's wondering around drunk, and he happens upon the team the Downton staff beat at tug-of-war. Thomas stops them from assaulting his crush, and his reward for his gallantry is a proper ass-whupping. And Jimmy still won't go out with him. Clarkson wants to know if Isobel has ever thought of marrying again, and she says she's never thought of it. Way to ruin my buzz, Isobel. Jimmy interrupts them and says Clarkson needs to come help Thomas. They find Thomas bloodied, beaten and robbed. Branson, likely eager to get away from cling-wrap that is Edna, helps Thomas to the car.

At Keeping Up with the Flintshires, Lady Flintshire tells Rose she's dressed like a slut. Lady Flintshire is wearing a tartan, so she's got room to talk about fashion. Violet was fast enough to have donned such daring fashions as bustles, crinolines AND leg-of-mutton sleeve.  The Flintshires have a tartan-clad fight and Robert interrupts them. In adorbz news, Carson hears Lil Sybbie crying and goes into the nursery and holds her, and it's prosh. 

Just... just... D'Awwww... :)

Get out your kilt. It's the ghillies ball. Matthew tells Mary she's not allowed to dance, even though she knows all the reels. Wilkins offers to get O'Brien some of the already alcoholic punch, and she spikes it. With some peaty-ass Scotch.  Which you can, um, taste. She's not very good at this machinations thing. O'Brien puts it down, but Moseley picks it up. We all know Moseley can't hold a drop, and so after chugging that down, he's wasted. O'Brien tells Wilkins she could run a clinic on her when it comes to scheming and machinations and whatnot. Crush = over.

It's bad enough parenting a child when you like each other, so there's no hope for Shrimpie and Susan. Rose drowns her sorrows in a cup of boozy punch. Rose tells Cora and Violet that Susan is just being her normal self, and it's All Cruella DeVille, All the Time around there.

In the billiard room, Shrimpie tells Robert that he's found himself in the same position Robert was in a year or so ago. He didn’t modernize like Robert did, and now his money's gone. Oh, the irony. Duneagle will have to be sold, and since we can't very well sell Rose, she'll have to get married off to money or something.

Rose grabs Anna for one of the reels, and Bates and Mary are surprised and touched that Anna learned a Highland dance. Aw, Bates. You oughta marry that woman. Moseley is drunkenly cavorting about the ballroom. Whatever he's doing looks less like reeling and more like boozy Gagnam Style. That convinces Mary that this is too much fun to miss, and she decides to get up and join the dancing.

Mrs. Hughes has some bad news for Mrs. Patmore. Joss has proposed, but Mrs. Hughes tells Mrs. Patmore that she saw Joss being all ass-grabby with some chicks at the fair. Mrs. Patmore realizes Joss was only interested in her vichyssoise (and no, that's not a euphemism.). Mrs. Patmore says she's relieved. She'd much rather be an Independent Modern Lady.

In people who don't news,  Gregson feels like he has to end his relationship with Edith after talking to Matthew. Edith tells him that she wants to continue to see him, so she hangs on to his tails for dear life.

In shirtless Branson news, Edna walks into Branson's room sans knocking, and tells him she had a great day. Then she asks to meet him at the Grantham Arms, and plants one on him. Branson looks totes confused, then she leaves and shuts the door faster than you can say, "This chick is freaking me out."

Branson fangirls, your cognitive dissonance begins here!

Mary tells Matthew she wants to go home because all that reeling and bumping about in the carriage and whatnot has started her labor. Matthew tells her he wants to go with her.  Mary says it will only be a couple more days, and Matthew agrees to let her go home with Anna.

The Crawleys send word to Downton that Mary is coming back, and she tells Edna to go and make up her bed. Edna says she can't because said she's agreed to meet Tom Branson in the village for luncheon, and Mrs. Hughes is like dafuq?

At Duneagle, Lady Susan tells Cora that she doesn't judge Mary so much about Mr. Pamuk now that she has a daughter who cavorts around London with married men. Shrimpie wants Rose to live at Downton while they're in India. Cora tells Susan she would never agree to that if it meant going against Susan. Rose can't have her debut in India and asks Cora if they'd be prepared to deal with her coming out and her first season. Cora tacitly agrees to take her on.

Mrs. Hughes explains the state of things to Branson, and chides him for not discouraging her enough. I have to stick up for Branson here. Edna is a succubus. The guy didn't have much choice because she didn't give him one. He didn't want to encourage her, but he didn't want to be a total jackass, either.

Branson asks Mrs. Hughes to give Edna a reference at least, but she's not cut out for service. Mrs. Hughes tells Branson that Sybil would be very proud of the way he's handled things, and Tom breaks down in tears. He says he can't bear to be without her. She hopes one day Branson will find someone who will help him bear it, but until then, he must make the best of things. Mrs. Hughes dismisses Edna before she can end up an unwed mother and/or working as a PROSTITUTE.

Mary arrives at Platform 9 3/4 and Anna is already there to greet her. Mary tells Anna she wants to be taken straight to the hospital, and asks that a message be sent to Matthew ASAP.  Matthew is out stalking deer when he gets the message. Everyone at Downton gets the message and they begin prepping for the Crawleys' return.  Carson says there's nothing to worry about, and you shouldn't worry about Mary, because this time, it's a red herring!  Oh, Julian Fellowes. You wily minx!

The Crawleys pack up and ready themselves for departure.  Cora and Robert have finalized plans to take Rose, and she's thrilled. Edith has a private word with Matthew about Gregson, hoping to steer him into a different position, but he tells her that both Edith and Gregson know what has to happen next. Edith says oh yes, we do. Can we expect to see Edith slip Gregson’s crazy wife an arsenic pie next season?

Edna wants to know what she's done wrong to get herself dismissed, and Mrs. Hughes explains that there are rules. She takes her bags, reference and butt-chin and leaves.  You kind of feel sorry for her in that last scene, but you kind of don't. She was desperately clinging to Branson as a means to get out of working in service.  She saw him as a way to raise her social position and she wasn't truly interested in him (and he was defo not into her).  But are we okay with Branson moving on? What if he finds someone else?

At the hospital, Clarkson asks Isobel to help prepare Mary for labor. He thanks her for not letting him propose marriage to her, and claims he was drunk. Isobel calms Mary's fears about going into labor a little early.

Up in the servants' quarters, Jimmy knocks on Thomas's door. Thomas still looks like he is undead. Jimmy thanks Thomas for taking a shellacking for him, and apologizes for running off like the wimp that he is. Thomas admits to following Jimmy, since Jimmy was trashed, and also he still wants to hit that. Jimmy explains that he can never have a relationship with Thomas, but Thomas says he'd like it if they could be friends. Jimmy says he could manage that, and all seems to be well in that quarter.

Isobel telephones Carson and tells them that Mary has come through the labor fine, but forgets to ask about the baby. Thanks, Carson. Matthew comes in and sees Mary, who has given birth to the long-awaited boy. They've done their duty and Downton is safe.  Matthew is going to drive himself to the hospital, then go back to Downton to deliver the news.

Robert gives thanks to Matthew and he's grateful for Matthew's vision for saving Downton. Yes, thank heavens for Matthew.. The Crawleys are very happy, with two healthy heirs and an estate in good order. What has Robert done to deserve it, he wonders. We don't always get our just deserts, now do we?

Matthew agrees to drive back to Downton and tell the others the happy news. BECAUSE A PHONE CALL WOULDN'T HAVE SUFFICED. I won't go into too much detail about this final scene, but let's just say that Matthew is a leaf on the wind.

Absolutely no way this could go badly!

In the final scene, Mary cuddles her newborn son, blissfully unaware that her husband is lying dead just a few miles away.

Oh.

How are we feeling, folks? Shocked? Angry? Surprised? Indifferent? Was it unavoidable because Dan Stevens didn't sign on for season 4? Is this what happens when you have sex with Mary? Is this going to be the fate of all the actors who leave Downton for other projects? Is Julian Fellowes going to kill off their beloved on-screen alter-egos in some horrific fashion? We can't expect everyone to stay on for the long haul if they are offered other projects, but it is kind of frustrating that some of our favorite characters are dying off at an alarming rate. Like 1918 flu epidemic alarming rate. I really wish Fellowes had left some room in the script for Matthew to return. Broadway is really grueling, and Dan may have decided to go back to television after a season of doing eight shows of the same thing every damn week. Or maybe he's a slut for live theater.

The Matthew/Mary romance has been a huge part of the series since its inception, and many fans might not tune in for the next season if that isn't going to be a part of it – or if, God forbid, Fellowes finds another suitor for Mary. Is it best to just end a series when the main actors start leaving? Maybe we could start an endangered Downton Abbey character nonprofit?

SAVE THE DOWAGER COUNTESS!

I've really enjoyed blogging for you all these past few weeks, and I appreciate each and every one of you who has taken the time to read my childish prattle, and those who have even taken the time to comment. Many thanks to the good folks at TV Sluts for allowing me so much space on their blog. Many, many thanks to Clovis for posting the recaps and adding hilarious photos and captions.

I will miss you all! We won't worry about the season 4 speculation  now. We'll talk about it in the morning. Oh, no wait. We won't. 

Sodomy Laws and Modernization, Tonight on Masterpiece Classic!

This week's episode is two hours. Because CURSE YOU, JULIAN FELLOWES!!!

Bates is being released from prison! No one shanks him on the way out the door, and he and Anna reunite in a long-awaited embrace. Once they arrive at Downton, Bates interrupts breakfast! Mrs. Hughes, Carson, Daisy and Mrs. Patmore are happy to see him, but Thomas is not, obvs. At breakfast with the swells, Edith has a letter from her editor and her hair looks stellar! He's asked to meet her in London. Matthew encourages her to visit Lady Rosamund and buy some new clothes, but Robert does not want Edith being a lady reporter or updating her frumptastic wardrobe. He is Bitter McBitterpants, and gets up to leave, mentioning that Matthew has summoned Jarvis to a meeting. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Robert runs into Bates in the hallway and is super happy to see him. He offers Bates a cottage, and promises to sort out the valet situation with Thomas.

At Crawley House, Lady Violet is laying down the law to Isobel about having a PROSTITUTE work as her maid/cook. Violet says Ethel is notorious in the village, and she knows so. How does she know this? Because she's EVERYWHERE! 

Maybe because she's secretly an Animagus?

Violet informs Isobel that she's surrounded the family with a MIASMA of scandal and she should rid herself of Ethel straightaway. Ethel enters and Isobel praises her improvement in cooking. Ethel is grateful to have a skill. Violet says, "But you seem to have so many."

Cora and Robert are on speaking terms again. They discuss what Robert will do with two valets (the post-war era really is trying) and Cora spies the nursemaid taking Lil Sibbie out in her pram. Robert wants to know when Branson is moving out and Cora reminds him that Tom and the baby are their responsibility now.

Downstairs, Moseley asks what Thomas is going to do now that Bates is back. *Facepalm* Ivy enters, and Alfred announces  he's planning to see a moving picture! With Lillian Gish! Jimmy thinks the plot sounds a bit soppy (it does), and Ivy won't be seen in public alone with Alfred. Mrs. Hughes gives permission if other maids accompany them so as not to invite scandal.

Much more after the jump!

During the meeting with Jarvis and Robert, Matthew Ilyich Crawley wants to reparcel the land and invest in new machinery, new methods, new, new, new, new! Jarvis tells Matthew he's new to their way of life and doesn't understand How We Do Things, and Matthew gets his panties in a knot about Robert bailing out the place with Cora's money. Matthew thinks Downton has to be self-supporting if it's going to survive, and Robert is unwilling to go along with the plan because HE BUILT THAT.

Lady Violet is on patrol in the village and she sees Ethel walking alongside the street, visibly in tears. Later at the brothel, Isobel notices that Ethel is upset. Ethel says local tradespeople refused to serve her and that is why she was crying.

Don't worry, Ethel. #ItGetsBetter

At tea, Edith wants the dowager persuade Robert to come around about the newspaper column. Violet explains to Edith when she said “find something to do” she didn't mean become a member of the working classes. She meant respectable things like charities and painting water colors. Edith however is tired of being invisible. Granny says she'll do what she can but, mob boss that she is, she'll want a favor in return.

In the kitchen at Downton, Jimmy is being a bitch to Alfred and Carson overhears. Carson gives Alfred first footman duties for dinner that evening. Daisy wants to know why Alfred is taking Ivy to the movies when she takes no notice of him.  A question for the ages.

Mary enters Branson's room and asks about the christening. Branson tells Mary that it's been arranged with the Catholic Church in Britain, because Robert hasn't managed to have the church outlawed as of yet. Branson asks Mary to be the godmother, and tells her that his brother Kieran, “a bit of a rough diamond”, is coming over. Mary invites Branson's brother to stay at Downton. Diamonds are Mary's best friends.

Downstairs, Jimmy is pitching a hissy because Alfred is serving the lobster. O'Brien's continuing to insist to Thomas that Jimmy wants to tap that, and cites Alfred as the source.

In how could this dinner possibly go wrong news, Matthew invited Murray to Downton without asking Robert first. Alfred makes a wrong move and Violet's lap is cram full o' crustaceans. Fifteen hundred points from Gryffindor! Jimmy gives Alfred a winky wink and there's that mystery solved. If that went on any longer, I would have put Anna on the case. 

Cora tries to save dinner by bringing up Edith's newspaper column. They've all taken leave of their senses, and Robert asks Violet to make them see things his way. Violet thinks the woman's place is eventually in the home, but there's nothing wrong with Edith enjoying her single life. Also, Edith isn't getting any younger, and maybe you're just not marriage material, darling. Best. Burn. Ever.

Matthew is concerned that he and Mary aren't expecting a bundle of joy yet. Well, he should be. Matthew wonders if he should see someone about it, Mary says she's sure there's nothing wrong. So, rest assured, there is something wrong.

On his pseudo-date with Ivy, Alfred tells Ivy that Jimmy isn't interested in her. Ivy says that Jimmy flirts with her. Of course he does. Gay guys always flirt with pretty girls. It's in their job description.  Alfred tells Ivy he wants to see her on a regular basis, but Ivy wants proof that Jimmy isn't interested first.

In the servants' hall, Jimmy is complaining (again) that Carson doesn't like him. Thomas offers to assist, and tells Jimmy that Carson might like Alfred, but that's not the case with everyone. Like with…Thomas. Jimmy lays down some Latin (and where did he pick that up?) and O'Brien thinks he should try that on Carson to make up some points. Jimmy thinks not, but maybe he needs a magic spell? (ASK LADY VIOLET. DU-UH.) O'Brien works more on Thomas, but Thomas thinks Jimmy is straight. She exits, leaving Thomas to wonder if O'Brien is telling the truth.

Thomas is pretty lonely, and maybe more than a little desperate. He goes upstairs and undresses, thinking about whether or not to put the moves on Jimmy. Feeling rapey, he goes to Jimmy's room. He goes all Edward Cullen and opens the door and creepily stares down at Jimmy while he's asleep. He enters the room and closes the door. If a gumpy footman recently spurned by a kitchen maid is traveling up the stairs at two miles an hour, and a valet is trying to get in a footman's pants at one mile an hour, how long before they intersect at a shitstorm?

"According to this wildly successful young adult novel series I've been reading, this would be even more romantic if I could somehow sparkle for you."

Alfred walks in as Thomas is snogging Jimmy and Jimmy wakes up.  Jimmy screams at Thomas and tells him to get out. Thomas thinks there's something between them, and Jimmy says there isn't. Jimmy says he didn't say anything about being interested in Thomas, and Thomas realizes that O'Brien has played him.

In the most awkward meal of the entire season (and that's saying a lot), super sleuth Anna and Mrs. Hughes want to know what is up with Thomas, Jimmy and Alfred.  Jimmy tells Ivy she looks yummier than toast. I bet he says that to all the beards girls.

No, that's not Michael Palin from teevee's Monty Python and the Holy Grail. That's Mr. Gregson, the hawt editor of The Sketch. Edith is a good girl in London and still wants permission from Daddy to write for him, and so Gregson asks her for lunch after she's had a day to think about it. He totes wants to be her beau! Holla!

Over at Downton, Matthew and Branson are in agreement that they should make Downton into a workers' paradise. Tom tells Robert he has a narrow view of socialism, and Robert thinks Tom has a very broad one. Now, now, children, says Lady Violet. You're both pretty. Later,  Cora chides Robert about being a bitchtits about the changes at Downton. Robert tells Cora he is certain Violet has her own reasons for sticking up for Edith. Is she really so Machiavellian? I was going to go with Godfather-esque, but Machiavelli works, too.

Edith is meeting Hot Older Man for lunch. She tells Hot Older Man that she's hopelessly single. This is going to go Somewhere fast.  We all know Edith can't keep her wrinkly spinster hands off an old dude, and Gregson is hot for an aristocrat. He almost destroys his chances by saying Mary looked glamorous in the society pages, but he's pleased Edith's not married. That makes one person. In the entire world.

Mary Tyler Moore and Ed Asner: The early years

At Downton, Matthew and Robert are meeting with Murray and Jarvis. Turns out, Robert didn't build that. The third earl nearly went bankrupt and the fourth earl only saved Downton via dying, and we all know Robert would have lost the estate if he hadn't married Cora. Matthew wants to make radical changes and Jarvis takes this as an affront on his managing abilities. He up and quits, leaving Robert with no estate manager. What's that you say? Foreshadowing? Oh, you don't say.

Hmm. Which wine should Carson serve? This red one, or this red one? Mrs. Hughes interrupts Carson's oenomanic reverie to inform him that there's an intoxicated leprechaun in the servants' hall. It's Tom's (much) older brother, Kieran! Mary tries to extend her hospitality to him, but Kieran acts like a toolbag and tells her he wants to eat with the servants. Branson, all class, tells Kieran that Lady Cora has extended an invitation to Kieran for him to eat with the family and Tom won't let Kieran snub her. Carson, hand to God, says he's stoked that Branson showed some real breeding, instead of talking about what horrors result when you mix the classes.

Downstairs, O'Brien encourages Alfred to tell on Thomas's shenanigans because Thomas is flouting the laws of God and man. It's been a few days since things got all gay up in here, and Thomas still hasn't been sacked. O'Brien wants Alfred to finish her dirty work for her.  She finally convinces him, and he reports the incident to Carson, and Carson tells Alfred to keep his mouth shut.

At dinner, Kieran tells Robert that when he's not hiding pots o' gold, he's in the car refurbishment business and he lives above a garage. Mary wants to know who's coming to the christening. Robert says he's not coming because Tom wouldn't want him there, and he wouldn't know what do to during all that bobbing up and down. Tom, the only person at this table with any diplomatic skillz, tells Robert that Sybil loved Robert with all her heart and that she would want him there. Robert can't snark that argument, so he agrees to attend. Edith tries to distract from the unpleasantness by announcing that she's taken the journalist's job. Edith says the editor was "nice," Judging from her facial expression, Mary likely takes that to mean "old and lonely."

Turns out, Edith's "favor" for Violet was to place an ad in Lady magazine to find Ethel a new place. Edith asserts that Ethel really should move out of the area where no one knows she was a WHORE. Isobel thinks Violet couldn't give tuppence about Ethel or anyone like her. Violet accuses Isobel of reading those Communist newspapers. Again.

Violet asks to speak to Mrs. Hughes in the hall and asks her opinion of the Ethel situation. Mrs. Hughes agrees that as long as Ethel remains in the area, the good citizens will snub her. She nicely explains to Isobel that if Ethel can start over in a new place, things would be much easier for her, instead of reenacting The Scarlet Letter every time she walks outside.

After dinner, Violet tells Robert that, to Jarvis, Robert was always the young master. Violet tells Robert that it's obvs he should give Jarvis's job to Branson. She asks Robert if he really wants his only granddaughter raised in a garage with that drunken gorilla. But living over a garage is magically delicious!

Carson tells Thomas that what he's done is against the law, and he doesn't want to take a tour of Thomas's revolting world.  Carson asks Thomas to give his word that nothing actually happened. He tells Thomas he needs to think about what to do, and Thomas leaves Carson's office. Mrs. Hughes enters and wants to know why Thomas is looking more emosexual than usual. Carson cryptically answers that human nature is a funny thing. Now, why didn't the poets ever come to Carson?

It's a christening! Finally, Tom Branson gets to baptize his Lil Sibbie a papist. Edith says it's strange not to have Sybil there. Cora says she knows Sybil is watching. Well, her grandmother is Shirley MacLaine… In awkward family photo news, Robert and Violet have to pose with the baby and the priest! Robert later offers Tom the job of estate manager, and Matthew encourages him to take it.

Pictured: What the English imagine "mirth" to look like.

Downstairs, Carson believes Thomas has been twisted by nature into something foul, and asks Thomas to resign, citing Bates's return but also tells O’Brien to stop causing trouble. Thomas waves the world’s smallest rainbow pride flag and defends himself by saying he's not foul; just one of these things is not like the other. In the hall, Carson tells O'Brien to stop causing trouble. Later, O'Brien encourages Jimmy to blackmail Carson, by saying that unless Carson gives Thomas a bad reference, Jimmy will go to the gendarmes. Jimmy's like no, they'll find my weed and O'Brien is like, you have to, unless you want everyone to think you're a ladyboy as well.

In the study, Cora asks about the village cricket match! Apparently, everyone in Britain except Moseley hates cricket, but they play because…they're…British or something. Edith thinks Robert should support the house and village teams, SINCE HE OWNS BOTH. In fertility news, Mary is looking tired and Mary says it's nothing, but Cora gives her a knowing glance so we know she's having some work done on her lady parts. Matthew walks in on Mary and Cora having girl talk, but we do hear that Mary has been seeing a doctor, so we can presume that the royal conception troubles are due to Mary's hysterical ovaries and not with Matthew's war wound.

Edith is taking her job as intrepid reporter very seriously, and tells Matthew not to make fun of her serious expose of the plight of war veterans. Violet's been asked to host 18-year-old Rose, the daughter of her niece. Robert wants Tom to play cricket for the house team. Tom says no. Wrong answer, Branson. Cora wants Robert to leave him alone about it, so they can have a nice dinner. Wishful thinking, thy name is Cora.

TENSION! Bates has overheard O'Brien plotting against Thomas and he asks Thomas what he will do.  Over in the abode of love, Matthew is talking about buying out some of the tenants. He wants to get his freak on with Mary, but she shoos him away. She's obviously had a procedure, likely to evict the Turkish ambassador that has taken up residence in her uterus (the raucous parties he's been throwing have really gotten out of hand).

Jimmy asks Carson to give Thomas a bad reference. Jimmy says he can't let "a man like that" work in people's houses. Jimmy thinks he ought to report Thomas to the police, and he does the unthinkable by accusing Carson of being all right with Thomas being an unnatural freak and all that. "How dare you call me a liberal?!" sayeth Carson. Carson will ask Thomas to go quietly for the sake of the house. Jimmy says he won't turn a blind eye to sin, and tells Carson he's going to the fuzz, convincing everyone who may still have been in doubt that, in the grand tradition of homophobes, Jimmy himself is gay.

Miss Rose makes her entrance, breaking her journey at Crawley House, and she doesn't drink coffee. She's hyper and crazy all on her own. This is where Violet discovers that Ethel is still there. Violet is not amused.  You Hester Prynne that shit, Ethel. Violet has some answers to the ad for Ethel, and Violet and Isobel have a very polite cat fight. Rose is like, "Whaaaaaaas going on??" SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU THROW BIG WORDS AT HER.

Jimmy apparently has Carson by the balls and Carson tells Thomas that he's to leave Downton with no reference, meaning he will not get another job in service. I have a hard time believing Carson wouldn't just swat Jimmy away like a gnat, or fire him or something. Why is he letting Jimmy be the boss of him? Everyone in that house has always known that Thomas is gay (except maybe Daisy), and no one cared up until this point. What's changed?

Rose wants to go to London with Edith, even though Violet has heard from Lady Flintshire that Rose simply detests London. Rose claims she's planning a surprise for mummy, and that sounds shady to Edith, budding journalistic impresario that she is. Edith invites Rose to stay with Aunt Rosamund in London, and Matthew later tells Edith that he'd like to go with her to London, too. Edith is delighted because her skankdar is telling her she will need help controlling Rose. Later, Mary asks Edith to make sure Matthew doesn’t take an earlier train from London, so their clandestine trips to the babymaking doctor won't intersect.

"My completely transparent plan will never be discovered! Now to tell the dowager that I'm sleeping over at Ashley's house for realsies."

Branson and Matthew are planning to farm one-third of the estate directly. Just distribute that wealth evenly, fellows. Branson is anxious to move into the agent's house, but Cora wants Sibbie to stay with them at Downton.

Outside, Thomas is out smoking in the cold, like a good nicotine addict. Mrs. Hughes happens upon him and she's shocked to see him in such a state. She tries to comfort him, but he realizes she doesn't know what happened. He's afraid that telling her will shock and disgust her. Shock and disgust Mrs. Hughes? Are you kidding? Homegirl has been there and done that! Mrs. Hughes wants Carson to relent, but he's afraid standing up to Jimmy will drive him to tell the coppers on Thomas.

At the Crawley Home for Tarts, Isobel tells Ethel that the dowager has taken an interest in her plight – and she wants to stop the tongues wagging – and gives her the replies to her advertisement. Isobel promises a reference from herself and from Mrs. Hughes. Ethel goes through the letters and only finds one she's interested in, but it's in Cheadle and Ethel feels that is too close to where the Bryants live with Charlie.

Carson is putting together the house cricket team, and there's all kinds of intrigue. Bates figures out that O'Brien has something to do with getting Thomas thrown out, and he's got a moral dilemma. He doesn't like Thomas, but let's remember O'Brien helped to get him thrown in prison. A flow chart of who is plotting against whom and why to appear forthwith.

In London, Lady Rosamund wants to have a nice family dinner with Edith, Matthew and Rose, but Rose has other plans. Turns out, she doesn't hate London at all. She's just a debutramp. She sneaks into the study and telephones A Man. She dresses up for like Halloween or something and hails a cab.  Fortunately, no one snapped a crotch shot of her getting in or out of said cab.

In unmarriageable, dried up old crone news, Gregson is hitting on Edith like crazytown. Gregson tells her she looks very pretty, and he's pleased with her article about soldiers. He wants to see her that night, but she's busy, although he does want to see her again in the next time she's in London. Go Edith go!

Tonight on DIY Cottagers, it's extreme whitewashing! Bates doesn't like the manner of Thomas's dismissal. Thomas was creeping around outside their cottage and now Bates is concerned that something fishy is going on. He decides to ask Mrs. Hughes to give him the full story, and he drops paint on himself.  Mrs. Hughes explains it all to Bates, and Bates, like everyone, isn't shocked at all.

Edith and Matthew are eating with Aunt Rosamund, but Rose hasn't shown up yet. The cabbie is shown upstairs and he tells the WHOLE SHOCKING HORROR to them. How Rose took a cab to Warwick Square where she met a gentleman! How he sat outside waiting for them for nearly two hours! How he took them to The Blue Dragon club! Oh, it is too much! The Blue Dragon is one of "those" kinds of clubs, you know. No, Lady Rosamund doesn’t know, actually. HE MEANS A CLUB FULL OF BLACK PEOPLE. IN WHICH PEOPLE CONTORT THEMSELVES IN SHAMELESS DANCING.

Matthew, Edith and Lady Rosamund enter the club, looking like they just time warped out of a Merchant-Ivory. Matthew thinks it's just like the outer circle of hell in The Inferno, but Rosamund thinks this is a much deeper level of perdition. They spot Rose and interrupt her make-out session with her friend from Warwick Square, Sir Terrance Margadale, who is nonplussed to meet Rose's relations. He's married and Rosamund knows it! Matthew takes Rose away to the dance floor and tells her what she's going to get for waking up in Vegas. He quite bluntly tells her that Margadale is using her and might divorce his wife on the twentieth of never.  He promises to keep her out of Rosamund's clutches if she leaves with them and never sees Margadale again.

The scene straight out of F. Scott Fitzgerald's wet dreams.

Jimmy confronts Carson about why Thomas hasn't left yet, and Bates tells him he's being a big girl's blouse about the whole thing (he really is). Thomas made a mistake, so calm the fuck down. Bates tells Carson that O'Brien has put Jimmy up to this scheme.

Matthew is visiting a fancy specialist in London to start on a course of fertility treatments. He asks the doctor of Mrs. Crawley has been to see him, and the doctor says she hasn't and couldn't tell him if she had. Matthew leaves the office and descends the stairs, and he will run into Mary in 3…2...  There she is! Mary has been sneaking about, calling herself Mrs. Levinson (natch). She's had an operation, likely to remove whatever Turkish delight Mr. Pamuk left in her uterus, and she should be good to go from here on out.

Edith tells Rose that she's read too many novels and it has addled her brain. Rose has to be on her best behavior throughout the rest of her stay, or Matthew will telephone Lady Flintshire. They arrive back at Violet's charming appointments in the village, where Violet peers at them through the upstairs window. Edith and Rose make the fatal mistake of talking about keeping a secret from Lady Violet while in Lady Violet's house. Don't they know she is EVERYWHERE, especially in her own damn house?

Upstairs, Bates is dressing Robert and Robert's like but we all knew that about Thomas. And Bates is like I know, right! And Robert is like Eton was so gay, people tried to kiss me all the time, and I didn't complain about it! That would make me a sissy, duh! Bates explains that O'Brien's put the fear of God into Jimmy that people will suspect Jimmy of being gay if he doesn't make a big stink.

Lady Violet is very nicely explaining to Rose that she's to go to Duneagle early with the "horrid" Aunt Agatha! Rose figures it's because someone told on her and she demands to know who, so she can slip them an arsenic pie or something! Rose threatens to run away, and Lady Violet is going to send her maid along to make sure she doesn't.

Bates pays a visit to Thomas and tells him O'Brien has been putting Jimmy up to this nonsense. Bates asks Thomas if he has any dirt on O'Brien. Oh. He. Does.

Speaking of girls' blouses, Robert is in the study pitching a fit about Matthew and Tom's plan for Downton. Robert thinks that a Ponzi scheme, hand to God, would be better than the horrid plans for increasing profit that the boys have planned. This is what professional writers like to call “irony”. Cora finally tries to talk some sense into Robert, by saying that Robert wants to continue on as things are, and then finally admit defeat and sell the property off to pay off debts. Robert feels totally left out of the modernization plans. To make matters worse, he walks by Edith using the telephone to call a newspaper! She asks the operator for some personal information about Gregson. Because apparently the operator has Google at her disposal.

Anna and Bates have invited O'Brien over to their cottage for a friendly cuppa and verbal smack-down. Bates tells O'Brien he wants her to persuade Jimmy to let Thomas have a reference. She refuses, and Bates gets up and whispers three little words into her ear: Her. Ladyship's. Soap. Awww yeahhh. O'Brien knows her ass is on the line, so she desperately convinces Jimmy to let it go. Upstairs, Robert reveals to Bates that he plans to tell Carson to keep Thomas on because they can find work for him. Thomas is also apparently a Zen-level cricket master, much better than Moseley, I'm certain, who is boring all the servants with cricket demos in the servants' hall.

At breakfast, Tom tells Robert that Matthew wants his support for his plans at Downton but he looks at things differently. Tom has the farming experience and is a hard worker; Matthew understands law and business; and Robert understands the sense of responsibility Downton owes both to the people associated with the estate, and those who are not. To each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs and all that jazz. Robert agrees to give Matthew his backing on one condition: Tom will play cricket for the house. Tom agrees, and yes! It's ROBERT FTW!!!

Lady Violet has summoned Isobel and Ethel to an early morning meeting. They walk in, and Lady Bryant is waiting there for them. We like Lady Bryant! Lady Violet wrote to Lady Bryant about Ethel working nearby. Lady Bryant says they will work out what they'll tell Charlie when he's older, but she'd be perfectly happy to have Ethel nearby.

In Edith has great clothes news, Edith has great clothes. She confronts Gregson, and pointedly tells him she thinks Gregson is attracted to her. Gregson is like jeah. Edith tells him she can't work for a married man if he is going to continue on shamelessly flirting with her. Gregson tells Edith that he has a wife, but she's insane and locked up somewhere. OF COURSE HE DOES! OF COURSE SHE IS! You can't be a proper Englishman without a lunatic wife locked up away somewhere. I bet she burned his house down, too.

Newly recent publicity promo for Downton Abbey Season 4

It's time for the long-hyped cricket match!  They're all having a great time, so obviously something is going to go to shit. Bates is annoyed that he inadvertently helped Thomas keep his job, but let's remember that means Thomas is kinda sorta in Bates's debt now. Anna wants to know what phrase Bates whispered to O'Brien that spooked her into relenting. Bates tells her, but reveals he has no idea what it meant. Judging from Anna's expression, she's going to find out because she's the Nancy Drew of Downton.

Robert approaches Jimmy, and thanks him for being so generous about Thomas, who will stay on as under-butler.  Robert tells Jimmy he won't mind, will, he, and congrats on being appointed first footmen.

OH SHIT IT'S THE POLICE.  Buzzkill. The feds say they've received a report of unnatural from none other than young Alfred Nugent (any relation to Ted, by chance?). Robert takes charge and confronts Alfred, and tells him to have some compassion for Thomas. Robert returns and tells the feds it was a mix-up.  You were wasted, weren't you, Alfred? Yes, yes I was, he replies.  Sorry you can't persecute a gay person today, but would you like some tea? No? Oh, all right. Off you go, then.

One other bit of good news is that Tom decides to live at Downton while Sibbie is little. Robert's ready to get behind the plan, and the cricket match is a success. All is right with the world.

Everyone says that Tom is very eloquent. Does he have a career as an MP ahead of him? What about Rose? Is she going to be an alcoholic party girl or does she have some depth? Will Edith throw caution to the wind and involve herself in a torrid affair with a married man? Oh I hope so!

See you next week, duckies! Mwah!

My Kind of Love Story

In honor of Valentine's Day this week, I'd like to introduce you all to my favorite new television power couple. Before you go too hearts-and-flowers over them though, know this: these two routinely cheat on each other, scheme, plot to overthrow the government and take cold-hearted revenge on anyone and everyone. So why is this a love story, then? Because irrespective of all the rest of it, the one thing they never do is lie to each other. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Frank and Claire Underwood, the main characters of House of Cards.

"What say we blow this charity event and bathe in the blood of our enemies tonight?"

House of Cards is a political thriller set in Washington, DC (yay local locations!) and directed by David Fincher, who brings the same murky, moody color palate he gave to the films The Social Network and Fight Club. The story centers on Frank Underwood (played by Kevin Spacey), the Democratic House Majority Whip from South Carolina. Frank has been promised by the newly-elected President that he will be made Secretary of State, however when the President reneges on his promise at the last minute, Frank bitterly begins to plan an elaborate plot to get even with the other Washington players who have stolen his chance for glory. Swept up in the intrigue is a Congressman from Pennsylvania with a secret substance abuse problem, a young political reporter eager for a Deep Throat to call her own and more high end prostitutes than you can shake a stick at.

While the intrigue is definitely the driving factor behind the show, the emotional core is Frank’s relationship with his wife, played ice-cool by Robin Wright. Wright’s Claire is the head of an environmental non-profit that stands to gain significantly if Frank gains more power and Claire is more than willing to stand with him in his machinations to get the job done.

I love how Spacey and Wright play their relationship. They’re vicious and ambitious and brilliantly power hungry. They manipulate everyone around them, from their own staff to a man dying of cancer (really) to the security guards hired to protect them. The only people they don’t manipulate is each other, because they understand each other and genuinely love each other so much. Franks says of Claire that he loves her “more than sharks love blood” and we understand exactly the nature of their relationship. Even when Frank begins an “illicit” affair with a reporter, the first thing he does is rush home to tell Claire what he’s done, not out of contrition or guilt but for what it could do for their plans. Claire, for her part, instantly recognizes the potential and encourages it. Ozzie and Harriet, they aren't.

There's also a drunk, naked Congressman. But who doesn't have one of those in their bathtub, really?

The fact that they are so much in each other’s camp makes the few times when their relationship is truly tested all the more fascinating to watch. In the first episode, as Frank is blindsided by the news that he’s been betrayed and won’t be nominated for the Secretary of State, he sullenly checks out for a day and doesn't talk to Claire until later that night. Claire, no intellectual slouch, has already figured out what has happened and demands to know why he didn't call her. When Frank says he’s sorry, she walks out of the room, calmly disgusted at him. “My husband doesn't apologize,” she says. “Not even to me.”

It’s tempting then to see Claire as the instigator for what happens next, but she’s no Lady MacBeth spurring her husband on to murder. They’re absolutely equal partners in their machinations. If anything, they’re far more like a more successful and angrier version of Les Miserables’ Thenardiers, paying false deference to people who have more power than them (for the moment), but knowing that it will all soon change.That said, the influence of Shakespeare is all over the show. Reductively, it’s a modern retelling of MacBeth with a bit of Richard III thrown in. Even Spacey’s many asides where he speaks directly through the camera to the audience to illustrate his internal monologue or bring the viewer into his confidence about how other characters will act echo Shakespearean characters’ long soliloquies. Fans of Shakespeare will also recognize the epic plotting and gigantic emotions that are also hallmarks of his work.

False piety, for example.

Given the pedigree, it's surprising that one of the only shortcomings is in the writing. The series is written by Beau Willimon who most recently wrote the play Farragut North which was turned into the movie Ides of March. Willimon really believes that his “Washington insider” status lends a kind of verisimilitude to his work, which frankly is not large and his only real successes have focused on behind the scenes Washingtonia. The problem? He’s not that accurate. Willimon writes a Washington that behaves the way Hollywood imagines it is, not like the way it actually does. He knows just enough to be inaccurate. He understands some of the more technical aspects of American politics correctly but misses by a mile when it comes to writing the way politicos, reporters, staffers and informants actually speak and act. For a series that is trying so hard to seem gritty and accurate to life, to have characters say things that actual insiders would never say feels particularly jarring. Still, the pacing of the show is excellent and when Willimon can tear himself away from congratulating himself in writing for his four month long internship on the Hill that he did five years ago, he can put together a bunch of really compelling characters and really solid drama.

The entire first season of House of Cards is available only on Netflix instant. Well worth losing your weekend over this one, folks.