Sri's Glee Squee-cap: Yay Kurt!

There was a lot going on in tonight's episode of Glee, so I broke it down into categories - New York, Romance, and Story Arc (i.e. actual plot). The best stuff is the Kurt stuff, so let's start there!

New York: It's Kurt's first week at NYADA, and he's finding that college can be a cliquey as high school. Rachel (bitch) has abandoned him to spend time with her new boyfriend, Brody, so he decides to look into extracirriculars to meet some new friends. He's interested in the NYADA show choir, the Adam's Apples, but Rachel (bitch) warns him that it would be "career suicide." OK, suddenly show choir isn't cool enough for you? Enter Adam, the hot British founder of the group, who starts courting Kurt - for the choir, or for more...? AND THEN they sing the Jonathan Coulton version of "Baby Got Back," and I about crawl into my TV to join the group myself. Kurt gathers his courage and asks Adam out, and he says yes! Rachel (bitch) and Brody have a fight and make up or something, blah blah blah who cares. 

On one hand, I would love to see Kurt and Blaine get back together.
On the other hand... this is Adam. RAWR. 

Romance: Tina is crushing on Blaine (yes, you read that right) and suggests the student council put on a Sadie Hawkins dance so she can ask him out. Finn uses the opportunity to have the Glee girls sing for their dates - but Blaine rejects her in front of the entire club. Humiliating for her, but Unique throws some EPIC side-eye, so I'm kind of OK with it. Blaine eventually confesses that he is crushing on Sam, and they bond over wanting someone they'll never have. They go to the dance together in the end, and Tina falls hard. This should serve as a cautionary tale, children - Don't be a Fag Hag. Be an Alternative Lifestyle Enthusiast.  

Did you learn NOTHING from the Mercedes/Kurt fiasco in Season One?

Kitty tries to lure Jake away from Marley with a blatant come-on, and her obvious villany makes me long for the days of Quinn's more subtle sabotoge. Puck intervenes, telling her to back off since Jake is - for once - trying to do the right thing. For all her faults, Kitty does have some killer lines: "I don't like Jake. I'm a mean, hot bitch who likes to get what she wants." So she decides to go to the dance/have sex with Puck instead. They do have a touching moment on the dance floor where she encourages him in his screen writing. Is this going to be an actual thing? 

Story Arc: Sam suspects the Warblers are on steroids - they've gained 10 lbs of muscle and are raging over Splenda in their lattes at Starbucks. The dyanmic duo discover that Trent, the missing "sunshine" of the group, refused the juice and was summarily dismissed. Will Finn and the guys convince him to testify against the Warblers, thus disqualifying them from Regionals and give the New Directions another chance?!? Of course they will. 

Hello, my name is Trent and I'll be your dues ex machina for the evening. 

Other Notes: Not enough Unique, either in the plot lines OR in the musical numbers. It was a SADIE HAWKINS dance, which is supposed to be about reversing gender roles, and you leave your one trans character on the bench? Poor form, Glee, poor form. Also, the return of Lauren Zizes! Please, please come back - and bring the thuggery.

Deception

Well, crap.

That's all I need right now--another show to get hooked on. I mean, seriously. There's only so many hours in a day! What am I, super woman?

Anyway, Deception is fun and you should totally watch it. The End.

What, you wanted more? FINE. Think of Deception as Revenge meets Veronica Mars. A wealthy socialite, Vivian Bowers, is found dead in a hotel room of an apparent drug overdose, but suspecting there might be murder afoot, Detective Joanna Locasto goes "undercover" to infiltrate the rich and powerful Bowers family to determine the truth of what really happened.

I say "undercover," because it turns out Joanna grew up with the Bowers family (her Mom worked for them) and Vivian was her best friend. She is welcomed back into the Bowers family, but they don't know she is a cop or that she is working with the FBI to discover whether any of the family members were involved in Vivian's death.

 

Any murderers in this room? No? Carry on then.

While the show is basically a Revenge rip-off...there is still a lot to like here. First off, the main character is a woman of color and is smart and capable. That doesn't happen a lot on tv, you know. Second, there are some great performances. Victor Garber as the head of the Bowers clan, Tate Donovan as his oldest son--both are really great.  There's just something about a rich family full of secrets that is just so delicious to watch. Each episode includes revelations regarding the Bowers family and possible motives--as of now the murderer could have been anyone. Which is just the way I like it.

If you don't have room on your viewing schedule for another Rich People Murder Show then you might want to leave this be, but if you never got around to watching Revenge or the new Dallas, check out Deception. I think you will find a lot to like.

Deception airs Mondays at 10pm on NBC.

Secrets within secrets within secrets...DECEPTION. (that was an Inception joke in case you didn't get it)

The Biggest Loser

Fair warning: this is going to be one of those posts where Maggie Cats uses a television show to delve into her personal problems and tell you way more about herself than you ever needed to know. Ok, so maybe it won't be that bad--but get ready for some personal shit.

I never particularly wanted to watch The Biggest Loser. Why? Because I've been overweight, nay, fat for most of my life. I was a chubby kid and I was a chubby adult. At my peak weight 4 years ago I was big enough to compete on The Biggest Loser. There's a sobering thought for you. It took my Mom having a heart attack and my Dad having a triple bypass to wake me up to the sad reality that my heart was a ticking time bomb. From that point on I swore I would not let myself end up like that, and I got serious about getting in shape. Almost 70 pounds later I still have quite a ways to go, but I feel great about how far I have come.

So what does this have to do with The Biggest Loser? I never wanted to watch the show because I didn't want to see other people who were as big as me who were able to get their act together. Once I did start getting serious about getting fit, I just assumed the show would be about watching fat people run around and isn't that HILARIOUS? Basically, fat humor hits a little too close to home for me, so it wasn't anything I was ever interested in.

And then I discovered Jillian Michael's workouts. I've done three of them so far and love them. I am sure some people find her loud, annoying, and mean, but to me she is absolutely motivational. I know she got her start in the mainstream on The Biggest Loser, so when I heard this season she would be returning to the show--my curiosity got the better of me and I just had to tune in.

Well, color me surprised, but the show was not anything like I expected. It's a reality show, so it comes with all the usual annoyances--product placement, sound bites that repeat action we just saw two seconds ago, a sometimes glacial pace (especially in the bloated two hour episodes)...but underneath all that corporate crap is a group of people who are willing to work their asses off (literally) to get healthy. It wasn't about making them look funny or stupid or sad, but it was about everyone just working together to lose the weight.

She might just "accidently" miss and smack Jillian in the face. Not that we would blame her.

I was only about 10 minutes in before I wanted to cry. Not because it was "so beautiful!" or "they are so brave!" but because I saw so much of my old self in the people on the show. I had felt the way they felt and had gone through similar things. And watching them all work so hard with their trainers...even though I had already done my workout for the night, I just had to get off the couch and lift some weights. If they could work so hard, what excuse did I have? 

And in the end, that's why I'll keep watching. The show actually is motivational. Sure, there is some producer-manipulated tugging of the heart strings, but who cares? Some nights I don't feel like working out, but I just think of The Biggest Loser folks and all of a sudden my excuses don't seem to matter much. And yeah, maybe that's cheesy, but it's the truth. Oh, and it makes me VERY invested in the eliminations because I don't want any of these people to go home! I've watched them all struggle and work and it's just heartbreaking when the work isn't reflected in the weight loss. Perhaps in a couple weeks if the claws come out and people start backstabbing one another I'll change my tune, but for now? I LOVE THEM ALL.

As for Jillian, I have to admit it's nice to see her yell at someone other than me for a change. When she's not running the actual workouts she tends to veer a little too much into Oprah territory ("why do you think you sabotage yourself?), but you can tell she genuinely cares about the contestants and wants them to do well. When she started crying at the elimination...that's when I kind of lost it too. 

The Biggest Loser airs Monday night at 8:00 on NBC.

Going to the Chapel of First World Problems

Lady Gillian returns to give us more Downton Abbey recapping goodness!

Hello, English lit doctorates! Good thing your shift at the bookstore ends at eight so you can be home in time to catch Downton on PBS at nine! That Ph.D. was a good investment after all!

Downton is prepping for the Edith/Strallan wedding. It will be less of a swanky affair than Mary's wedding, since the Crawleys don't love Edith as much as they love Mary. Down in the servants' hall, Thomas and O'Brien flirt exchange barbs. Thomas approaches Moseley about his friend's daughter, who is looking for a position as a lady's maid. Moseley would like to get her in as a lady's maid so she won't have to debase herself by being a house maid. Thomas wants to be helpful and tells him a "secret" about O'Brien.

Cora and Robert are in the study discussing how they're going to about selling Downton. They have land near Durham and they intend to move there to a smaller house. They decide to go visit this tenement that they're likely going to be moving to. Moseley tells Cora he wants to put forward a candidate as O'Brien's replacement when she leaves the Crawleys' service. As in Thomas is playing him like a fiddle. Cora's taken off-guard and the Crawleys are most aggrieved. It's so hard to find conniving help these days.

Matthew has a case of sadface on so we know he's thinking about all the money he has to inherit. Again. If only there were other young men in Britain one could leave one's millions to. Unsurprisingly, Mary is Downton Crabby with Matthew still about his unwillingness to share his good fortune with the rest of the family.

Modern-day audiences will no doubt empathize with having so much money that you can afford to reject the offer of a free country estate out of principle.

More after the jump!

Meanwhile downstairs in the servants' hall, house-elf Daisy is asking Alfred about why he liked Shirley MacLaine's maid, Miss Reed. Alfred responds that it was because she was outspoken. Last week as we recall, Daisy was on strike. This week, she's likely turning feminista to attract the notice of one Alfred the Footman.

Carson tells Mrs. Patmore he thinks it's time they lessened Mrs. Hughes's workload.  His Spidey sense was telling him that Mrs. Hughes had been tested for cancer, and Mrs. Patmore accidentally confirms his suspicions.

During cigars and brandy, Robert talks with Strallan. Strallan says he will do his best to make Edith happy. Robert says he's happy Edith is happy and he's happy Strallan intends to keep her happy and he's happy about the happiness but no, he's not happy about it, actually.

Edith and Strallan have five minutes on their own. They spend this romantic interlude discussing the Duke and Duchess of Marlborough's scandalous divorce! (Actually happened IRL!) Edith is happy because she will finally have someone to control take care of. She tells Strallan she wants him to be her life's work. Yikes.

Lady Isobel is teaching the hookers how to sew. Why, it's Ethel yet once more. She's still a hooker and she doesn't want help. Well, she does want help, but not for herself. Clearly, it's baby Charlie she's coming about. And she leaves again.

In Agatha Christie news, Yorkshire lass Anna is asking about Vera in Vera's old neighborhood. Vera's neighbor Mrs. Bartlett takes agreed-upon funds from Anna and calls her a trollop. Anna, who is a lady's maid, thank you, and has manners, continues to question her. Mrs. Bartlett tells Anna that Vera was afraid of Bates and is pretty positive that he killed Vera.

Bates is in prison walking in a chain-gang circle. I'm not sure what kind of hard labor Bates has been sentenced to, but it's apparently an existential exercise in boredom. Yawn.

"Who am I? 24601!"

The Downtonites go on a picnic to look at their potential new home and OMG IT IS A SHACK. Branson points out the obvious to Sybil that it's a palace to most people. You'd think Sybil would have figured that out on her own, but nope. Isobel thinks it's unfair that Edith will be married by the regular vicar instead of the archbishop they had at Mary's wedding. Edith says she doesn't mind. Sure you do, Edith. Sure you do.

Away from everyone, Matthew reveals to Mary that Swire wrote a letter to each of the potential heirs. Matthew hasn't opened the letter. Well, why would he? It might contain some valuable information about why Reggie would name Matthew as a potential heir. Best to just burn it and continue flagellating himself.

After returning from luncheon at Downton Hovel, Isobel asks Mrs. Hughes about an address for Ethel, confessing that she's "fallen into a bad way" and Mrs. Hughes, worldly lady that she is, understands the situation completely. Now Ethel's a whore for realz.

Bates rummages through his bed looking for whatever his cellmate put there. The guards have been tipped off that Bates has some contraband. I don't remember what Bates's cell mate's name is – I think it's Bubba or Tiny or something – but this plot feels recycled. Bates doesn't have to deal with Thomas's scheming directly, so he has a cellmate who acts like Thomas. Way to shake things up, Julian Fellowes!

Upstairs, Cora clears things up with O'Brien. Turns out, no, she had no plans to leave actually. Cora then confronts Mrs. Hughes about her illness, which she heard about from Carson. Cora tells her that they will look after her, no matter what. Mrs. Hughes is clearly touched and rather surprised by Cora's offer. She doesn't dote upon the aristocracy like Branson does, so she clearly wasn't expecting them to look after her during her illness.

After dinner convo involves making the best of Edith's marriage. Then Sybil makes things awkward by saying that Edith likely won't get much sleep on her wedding night.

Vi: "Vulgarity is no substitute for wit."
Sybil: "Well, you started it."          

Oh, snap.

In the servants' hall, Moseley apologizes to O'Brien and O'Brien learns Thomas started the rumor.  She silently vows to Get Even. Also, instead of being dragged to the altar to pity-marry a gassed William, Daisy and Alfred have an "I kind of like you in that way" thing happening and it's CUTE AS HELL.

In the Mary/Matthew love nest, Mary read the letter! Before she died, Lavinia wrote to Reggie after she tried to call off the wedding. After she died, Reggie changed his will to include Matthew so he would inherit in her name. Reggie knew Matthew wasn't in love with Lavinia, but named him as a potential (and unlikely) heir for her sake. So, you see if it only it weren't for the serial killer running around and killing everyone who stands to inherit before Matthew, this wouldn't even be an issue.

Making a rare appearance in the servants' hall is Lady Mary. Her ladyship asks the staff if anyone posted a letter for Lavinia on the day she died. Someone must have mailed it for her. They all say no. So of course it was probably Daisy. Annnnd, a moment later, Daisy enters and confirms it.

It’s time for another wedding! Edith's dress might be worse than Mary's but I could be wrong. Mary apologizes for being a bitch (she's got money now so she can be nice!) and wishes Edith luck. Lady Violet comments that Strallan looks tres miserable. Oh, no. Strallan's thrilled. That's his O face. As in OH MY FUCKING GOD. And then Oh God! Epic wedding FAIL. He says he can't marry her! In front of like everyone! He says he can't let her throw away her life. Oh, but she wants to! Please let her! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!! Robert rather weakly tells Strallan it's too late. The shit hits the knave and Lady Violet intercedes and tells Edith to let Strallan go. Strallan runs! Can he run? Well, maybe it's more like he walks briskly.

Edith – who can actually run – runs into Downton and up the stairs in tears. As an additional dramatic gesture, she flings off her veil and it floats all slo-mo past the banister and falls to the floor. Symbolism! She throws herself onto the bed like she's Scarlett O'Hara and cries. (In an ironic twist, I think some of the Plain Jane make-up they put on Laura Carmichael rubbed off amid takes and she looks prettier having hysterics than she does when Edith is perfectly calm.)

In happier times. Like, five minutes ago.

Cora, Mary and Sybil follow Edith into her room. Edith expresses her bitterness and rightly so. Sybil is married and pregnant and Mary is married and probably pregnant (FORESHADOWING) and so she tells them to get out. (In Scenes We Didn't See: Anna is ordered to burn Edith's tween romance novels.)

So what's going on here? Strallan said in the premiere that Edith had "given him his life back." He likes her but he doesn't like LIKE her? Is he still in love with his dead wife? Or is he giving her up because he knows that her family is unhappy with the match? In the former case, he's a douche and in the latter, he's a coward. Pretty sure Edith can do better. At least Branson wore his morning coat without any protest.

Meanwhile, Robert and Violet. There you are. Keep Calm and Trust Julian Fellowes. Robert unfortunately doesn't see that he has a role to play here because he's just grateful Strallan is out of his coiffed hair. Based on Edith's comment at the beginning of the episode that, "Finally something in this house is about me," it's obvious she's never been at the forefront of the Crawleys' concerns. Clearly, Edith did not receive enough attention from Robert and Cora while she was growing up. Otherwise, she wouldn't be throwing herself with reckless abandon at a man old enough to be her father. What will Edith do now? All of the inheritance-prone emo hotties in the area are married to Mary and all of the politically-minded chauffeurs are married to Sybil. She might have to look outside the Crawley box for a boyfriend. Or maybe follow Isobel's lead and, like, get a damn job or something.

On the other hand, Mary and Matthew are having the Best Week Ever. Matthew tells Robert he's going to take the money and they don't have to leave Downton. That perks him up a bit. Robert says he won't take the money but he will allow Matthew to invest in the estate and they will be joint masters of Downton.

How can we help Edith? Well, let's stuff our faces with the wedding food so she doesn't see any of it. At least we're all dressed properly for dinner this time. Also, the servants downstairs are having a yummy dinner. This is the best jilting ever. At the servants' table, Alfred says that Edith can do better and that what Strallan did was a dick move. Mrs. Hughes quite agrees with him. Carson will allow trash talk of the nobility just this once.

The next morning, Edith is hoarding catscrying in her bed. Anna asks Edith if she can bring her anything. Edith responds with, "A different life."  How about an arsenic pie? Edith accepts her role as a useful spinster and hauls her broken-down, arthritic, 25-year-old body downstairs for breakfast.

#foreveralone

In catfight news, O'Brien lets Thomas know she is a-plottin'. Thomas lets O'Brien know that he is a-plottin'. Just get drunk and have repressed sex already.

Isobel shows up at Ethel's house where one of Ethel's – ahem – clients is just leaving. A disheveled Ethel answers and Isobel tells Ethel that she's come to help her. Ethel says she's beyond help, but baby Charlie cries in the background. So, it's probable that Ethel will ask Isobel to take Charlie to his grandparents' house, whereas she was reluctant before.

Mrs. Hughes finds out the results her tests and it's not cancer. Carson expresses his happiness via polishing silver. He's very happy Mrs. Hughes is well and sings a little ditty involving the lyric, "She stole my heart away." You may all commence Carson/Hughes shipping starting…now!

But who's going to eat all this cake?

And the winner is....The Golden Globes.

Finally.

Finally.

An awards show worth watching. Hosts that were funny, winners that were surprising, and for the most part, speeches that didn't have me instantly reaching for the fast forward button.

Can we just get Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to host every award show from now until forever? Not only were they laugh out loud funny, but the jokes were fresh, and hit juuuuust the right note of poking fun at Hollywood and all their ridiculousness and not crossing the line into mean (hello, Ricky Gervais).

Best line of the night: "When it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron." SICK BURN, YO.

Even the presenters seemed better. I know a lot of people have a low Will Ferrell threshold, but I thought he and Kristen Wiig were really funny and clever. It's kind of interesting to see the people who are real stars and are utterly comfortable up on stage (e.g. George Clooney) and those who have the personality of a stump. Kind of lets you know who is a real star with talent and who is just lucky to have been born pretty.

Alrighty, per usual, we are going to hit it bullet point style. Because as I am writing this it is before 7 in the morning and I cannot be expected to form coherent thoughts that early.

--Jennifer Laurence continues to be one of my favorite people. EVER. She is ranked right up there with Joss Whedon as a person I think would be my best friend if only they knew me. Her speech (with references to beating Meryl Streep and Harvey Weinstein killing people to get her the award) was classic. And clearly off the cuff, but gracious, funny, and clever all at the same time.

--Anne Hathaway = not as annoying as I expected. I was afraid her speech would be full of "I can't believe I won!" style fakery, but she actually seemed genuinely grateful...if not surprised. And let's be honest, she won me over with her Princess Diaries shout-out.

--Lots of love for Game Change (the movie about Sarah Palin penned by Jonathan from Buffy) which meh. I saw the movie and while it was good...I just didn't get how it won so many categories.

--On a related note, is Showtime the new HBO? Because Homeland and that other show with Kristin Bell both did pretty well.

--I understand why Jennifer Garner and Anne Hathaway decided to thank other people when they had a chance at the microphone...but it still seemed tacky. You get your time, you make your speech, and you don't hijack other parts of the program to thank your agent, ANNE HATHAWAY. Tsk tsk.

--Some people have described Jodi Foster's speech as rambling, overlong, and strange...but you know what? I loved it. Sure it went off script there in the middle, but the emotion behind it was real and I have always thought she was a really fascinating woman. I had a bigger problem with the network cutting the audio when she started talking about how she had come out years ago (really, NBC??), and going on about how she loves Mel Gibson. I try not to be judgemental,* but it's hard to forget his bizarre behavior from a few years ago. Also, she looked amazing which is what really matters.

--Sacha Baron Cohen: I have never understood how people find him funny. He had the one good line about Russell Crowe's singing, but other than that whatevs. I just. don't. get. it.

--Argo! Pretty much the only best drama nominee that I actually saw so I don't really have anything to compare it to other than Lincoln, but I thought it was great. Was it the best movie of the year? Eh, I don't think so. But it's nice to see the underdogs take the prize. And yay for Ben Affleck! If that was anything but a big fuck you to the Academy I will eat my hat.

--I think one of the reasons the Globes seem to move around at such a good clip is because they do not give awards in technical categories. Is it wrong of me to just care about the acting and director/movie categories? Probably, since the technical folks are the ones doing the "real" work and this is pretty much their one chance to shine. But you have to admit that the portion of the Oscars where we get into the more technical stuff is when you take a bathroom break. 

--Can we just talk for a moment about how amazing Tina and Amy looked? Both of them have had issues with nailing red carpet style in the past, but I thought they were just flawless. And I appreciated the Hunger Games jokes about fitting into their dresses--and I got the distinct impression they were not actually joking.

All in all, it was probably the best awards show I've ever seen, and that's saying something. Here's hoping for a Fey/Poehler reunion next January!

Oh, and as for best dressed? I am going to have to go with Lucy Liu.

I know a lot of people see floral and automatically scream "drapes and couch!" but for me this was the dress of the night. The silhouette was stunning, it fit her to a tee, and the pattern and color were different enough that it stuck out in a sea of blush gowns. Sure, there may have been more classically beautiful dresses, but when I think of the the Golden Globes red carpet, this is the ONE gown that sticks out in my mind and I will always remember. So Liu gets the prize from me!

*HAHAHAHAHA. Wow, that was a nice trip down imaginary world lane, wasn't it?

Recapping AHS – This Episode Brought To You By The Breast Milk Council

Modern day. Johnny, the circa 2012 Bloody Face, waits along in his apartment, which looks suspiciously like Thredson’s. He has hired a prostitute specifically because she recently gave birth and is lactating. Johnny pays her and the sexy talk commences about the benefits of breast milk. Yes, really. Hey, everyone’s got their kink. “How bad do you want to taste this?” asks the prostitute. “I’d kill for it,” is Johnny’s response. Sigh.

Act I! Kit is awoken in his cell by Thredson who brings him to Grace and their newborn baby. Pepper, who is guarding Grace, sees through Thredson’s attempts at manipulation and is taken to the hydrotherapy room for her cheek. Given some time alone, Kit holds the baby whom Grace wants to name Thomas. Grace tells Kit about being with the aliens, how time moved differently there and how the aliens are not cruel, but unfortunately they’re also not perfect and they were not able to save Alma like they did Grace. Kit apparently deals with this news well, because he asks Grace to marry him. Grace says their child is special and that the kid will change the way people think and aw man, little Thomas is totally going to end up being the modern day Bloody Face in some kind of twist, isn’t he? Monsignor and his Holy Posse arrive and forcibly remove Thomas form his parents, taking him to an orphanage. Thredson bemoans the bad luck, but tells Kit he may be able to help, for a price. In the kitchen, Mother Claudia tells Lana that she’s springing her out of this joint. Mother Claudia asks Lana to use her medical file to write her memoir and “pull this place down and salt the earth.” Lana retrieves the tape with Thredson’s confession on it from a hiding place in the kitchen, but before leaving she finds Jude kneading bread blankly and promises to come back for her. In the lobby, Lana must sneak past Thredson in order to get out the front door. Thankfully, Kit distracts Thredson by promising to find the tape, allowing her to inch past them. Thredson realizes what has happened too late and runs to the front of the building in time to see Lana get into a waiting taxi. Mother Claudia and Thredson exchange come EPIC bitch face and Lana, in a crowning moment of awesome, hold up the tape to the taxi window for Thredson to see before flipping him off and making her way to freedom.

Hells Yes.

Act II! Thredson races home only to find a cleaned up and armed Lana waiting for him. Lana tells him the cops are on their way with the evidence she’s given them. Thredson is actually relieved saying that living with secrets is “not healthy.” He makes himself a drink, arguing that he’s never going to have the chance to get alcohol again, so don’t ruin this last opportunity for a martini, Lana. Have to say, I can’t honestly disagree with him. Interspersed between all their banter is a mirror scene of Johnny and the milky prostitute in 2012. Johnny is going to town on her and just to make sure no taboo-laden stone is unturned, we see Dylan McDermott wiping breast milk from his lips. Classy, guys. The prostitute notes Johnny has a mommy-fixation, which does not go over well as it enrages Johnny who starts yelling that his mother never loved him or his father and that there was only one person she ever really loved. Speaking of which, back in 1964 Lana demands to know what Thredson did to Wendy’s body. And just when you thought this show couldn’t get squickier, turns out Thredson used Wendy’s body to prepare for raping Lana. For “practice.” And we “get” to see the flashback. Just… ugh. Wendy’s body is now burned and cut up. Thredson says he’ll never even go to the electric chair because he’s clearly insane and maybe he’ll just go to a treatment center where they’ll let him run some groups. (The fact that he is excited about running a group session is, to me as someone who used to run them professionally in real life, proof that he is actually insane.) Thredson goes for a hidden gun, but Lana beats him to it, shooting him in the head.

Act III! Lana and her friends are putting flowers on Wendy’s grave. Lana tells them she’s decided to move to New York rather than return to the house. One of the friends gives Lana the name of a female doctor who can help her with her “little problem” when they are interrupted by reporters trying to get a picture of Lana. Lana sends the ladies away, advising them not to be seen with “The Sapphic Reporter” as she’s come to be called. 

Pretty sure there are adult movies with that name too.

The reporters hound her to her car, asking for a statement. “All I’ll say is read my book,” Lana says. Damn, Lana manages her brand wicked well, you guys. In the asylum, Monsignor notices the papers are starting to question his culpability, considering he’s the one who hired Bloody Face. He heads to the common room to find Jude rocking out to the jukebox. Jude says the demon got one thing right, the jukebox helps to keep joy alive. Jude taunts Monsignor for giving up his virtue to the devil. She admits for having impure thoughts for him herself, but she now sees that his lust for power has outweighed everything else. She is disillusioned and feels shame for him now, claiming she’s now saner as a madwoman than she ever was running Briarcliff. Monsignor has her confined to solitary to punish her. Meanwhile, Kit is discharged, seeing as how it’s now abundantly clear that he’s innocent. He asks to see Monsignor and offers a deal – Monsignor pretends that Grace died in Briarcliff and lets both of them walk out and fetch their son from the orphanage and they promise never to talk about the practices going on inside the asylum. Later, Kit and Grace arrive at Kit’s old home with young Thomas. The family seems hopeful about their new life, when suddenly a sound comes from the bedroom. Kit grabs a baseball bat and investigates and who should be sitting on the bed? Why, it’s a very living Alma, of course, and an infant son. More lives than a cat, that one.  Hey, remember how there seemed to be multiple modern day Bloody Faces back in the early episodes? Hrm…

Act IV! Lana meets with the abortion doctor. She confesses that in a different life, she would have loved to have baby, but, you know, not from a rapist who also murdered her lover. Understandable, provided you’re not a member of the modern day Republican party. This being 1964, the doctor has smuggled the tools into her home and sterilized them using hot water. Lana initially gives the go-ahead but begins to flashback on all the violence she saw in the asylum and stops, saying she can’t take more death. Months later, Lana meets with the police and details the patients that have done missing. Despite being noticeably pregnant, Lana wants the police to help her get into Briarcliff and break Jude out. The detectives bring a warrant to Monsignor, who breaks the bad news – Jude hanged herself in her room not two weeks earlier. Should we trust Monsignor? Of course not.  As Lana leaves the asylum, we see it becoming more chaotic, eventually leading us into the depths of the building until we see Jude locked into a cell and praying to St. Jude. Months later, Lana wakes in a hospital room to a nurse holding a screaming infant. The nurse says the infant is allergic to the formula and won’t Lana consider nursing him? Lana initially says she told the nurses she didn’t want to see the infant, but she relents and brings the child close to her breast, at which point he instantly stops crying and begins to feed.

Next week! Briarcliff begins to go (further) downhill. 

Merlin Recap Season 7 Episode 2

We rejoin the story with Morgana having another vision - of herself in chains, imprisoned with her pet white dragon at the bottom of a well. Kinky. Merlin and Arthur are still in the clutches of Mordred and Morgana's minions. Strangely enough, Mordred seems to be showing them mercy. This makes Merlin question if he really is Arthur's Bane, after all.

Meanwhile, deep in the caverns beneath Castle Ismere, the creepy alien thingy watches Gwaine sleep. It tells him that he is worthy of its help, and that its kind used to be revered by humans. Now, they have been hunted to near extinction - the creature claims to be the last of the species. 

Back in Camelot, the traitor Sefa begs Queen Guinevere for forgiveness and a reprieve from the gallows. REQUEST DENIED. As Sefa is dragged sobbing from the room Gaius is like, "damn that's some stone-cold shit." And Guinevere is like, "relax, son, I got this." Apparently she's using Sefa as bait to lure out her father, the treacherous sorcerer Ruadan. Amazeballs. 

Bitch has it coming.

Arthur and Merlin escape, naturally, and make a break for it. Arthur has a chance to kill Mordred with a crossbow - and doesn't take the shot. *eye roll* They head towards Ismere, crawling into the castle through the... trash chute? Do castles have trash chutes? Anyway, they manage to evade Morgana's Saxon henchmen and sneak into the caves to rally the knights. They arm Percival, who immediately starts kicking Saxon ass and taking Saxon swords. Shirtless. Awwww yesssss. Arthur and Merlin go deeper into the caverns to find Gwaine. 

Shockingly, Ruadan sneaks back in to Camelot to save his daughter - Queenie's gamble paid off! Elyan wounds Ruadan, but they escape with the help of magic. He uses the last of his strength to send a note off via crow - to Morgana (obviously). Aaaaand I'm sure now Camelot has another enemy in Sefa, who manages to slip away before the knights find her. Morgana knows Arthur didn't return to Camelot and is still making his way towards her.

Gaius and Guinevere loot Ruadan's corpse - and find a druid prayer for "victory over the enemy of the old religion." Druids think of Arthur as another Uther, and believe he will die by a druid's hand. Perhaps Ruadan thought he was that man - whoops.

When Morgana sees Mordred, she looks like she's surprised to see him. He tells her that they had Arthur, but he got away, and she has a completely rationale response. "I WANT HIS HEAD ON A PIKE, TO WATCH THE CROWS FEAST ON HIS EYES!" Mordred is like, "uh, you... you've got a little bit of froth on your lip, milady - just there." And then the warning bells ring, probably because Percival is beheading Saxons left and right and using their skulls for bongo drums. 

CRAZY EYES.

Arthur and Merlin find Gwaine, who says goodbye to his little alien friend. And then - WHITE DRAGON ATTACK! Merlin peels off to deal with the dragon, and Arthur follows. Is Arthur going to find out that Merlin is a dragon lord??? Of course not. But we find out that the poor thing can't speak. 

While he's looking for Merlin, Arthur runs into Morgana and Mordred! Just when Morgana has the dynamic duo at her mercy, Mordred stabs her in the back - literally. WHAAAA? Then he takes Arthur (only) back to his men. Double WHAAAA?

The alien thingy heals Merlin, recognizing him as Emrys, and we find out that it is the key to all knowledge, the Diamair (duh). Merlin asks it one question - who is Arthur's Bane? The alien answers, "himself." Apparently he is the key to all existential angst, too. 

Final scenes: Arthur knights Mordred, continuing to demonstrate that he is a stunningly bad judge of character. Merlin gives him the old, "I'm watching you..." spiel. Later he confides in Gaius, "Albion's great trial has begun."

This will only end in tears.

And in the wastelands to the north, Morgana stumbles out into the snow accompanied by her pet dragon. Seriously, people, have you never heard of the double tap? Next time, MAKE SURE SHE'S DEAD.