Does liking this make me a bad person? (Yes.)

I have a good friend at work who LOVES reality TV (you know who you are). One of her favorite shows is Toddlers and Tiaras. While channel surfing last night, I figured it would be the perfect background noise while I packed up for my trip. Here's how that went...

First 15 minutes - "OMG, these parents are sick. They are spray tanning 4-year olds! Also, that much hair spray can't be good for them. Huh, is there another episode after this...?"
After an hour - "I guess the girls enjoy themselves, though. At least some of them? And some of their little outfits are so cute!"
Two and a half hours later - "I can't wait to see who wins Grand Supreme - Mackenzie's got the personality, but Eden's such a consummate professional."
Two hours and thirty-one minutes - "I... have to turn off the TV now."

Creepy, yet so addictive!

Obviously, this is a normal reaction or the show wouldn't still be on the air... right? I mean, I am pretty certain that intellectual feminists who were themselves tomboys are not included in the target demographic for child pageant shows. But Toddlers and Tiaras uses all the reality show editing tricks (manufactured pauses, overly dramatic music, etc etc) to add to the human drama of it all. With such rich source material (psycho moms, sobbing toddlers, and that ruthless, do-anything-to-win attitude), it's not hard to create something that, I am forced to admit, is strangely compelling.

If you value your dignity, do not tune in to Toddler and Tiaras, Wednesdays at 10pm on TLC. 

Second star to the right and straight on til zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I tried with this one guys, I really did. Although I'm not sure why; SyFy's previous miniseries events (Alice, Tin Man) impressed me so little with their promos that I didn't even bother watching them. Maybe it's because we're in the winter hiatus or because I needed something to write about here on the blog, but I gave Neverland a shot. And I sat through the whole thing so you can't say I didn't try.

I did not like it.

It wasn't all bad; I'd say as a whole the performances were enjoyable and it was nice to see Rhys Ifans (Notting Hill, HP: The Deathly Hallows) playing something other than a weird crazy dude. He was quite swashbuckling in this and more than a little scary. And I thought the best thing about the entire show was the kid who played Peter. He was adorable (and is going to be a real looker in a couple years) and practically oozes chemistry. I'm also kind of a sucker for Anna Friel (Chuck in Pushing Daisies) who was rocking an awesome version of her native British accent.

Seriously, this kid is totes cute.

But that's kind of where the good stuff ends for me. I think the biggest problem with the show was just that I found it boring. That's not to say that nothing happened, in fact, I think you could argue that too much happened--the plot was stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey. But Neverland is an origin story. And in almost all cases origin stories bore me. You know how everyone lost their minds when The Dark Knight came out and was agog over the origins of Batman? I thought that movie was ok, but nothing special.

I don't really care why the pirates, Indians (ahem, NATIVE AMERICANS), lost boys, and others ended up in Neverland. The cool thing about Neverland is that it was full of all this random shit for no real reason. Of COURSE there were a bunch of pirates there. It's all about the wonder of childhood and imagination and if you are a young boy pirates and Indians and hot fairies are way up there on the cool list.  I don't need to spend 4 hours learning all about the WHY of how these characters got there. In fact, the last 10 minutes or the show were the most interesting to me. At that point the characters had become the ones we know from Peter Pan and things were just about to kick into gear with the story and then... BAM. Show over. Dammit.

Another big problem I had with the production was the over-use of green screen background effects. I imagine it's cheaper to shoot on a soundstage with a couple of live props and then green screen in the rest of Neverland. But to me it's blatantly obvious green screen. I know it's television and I don't expect Avatar level special effects, but save it for a few shots and try to ground the show more in reality, you know? It looks flat and fake and makes it hard for me to get into the show. This is a chronic problem with SyFy miniseries and I hate to say it but it's something I can't really get over. It's just one of my pet peeves I suppose.

Another thing that distracted me was Rhys Ifans enormous head. I know he is like 7 feet tall, but DEAR GOD his noggin is huge.

I'm willing to bet if I was a kid I would have really dug Neverland. But as an adult...it just didn't do it for me. Now if they made a sequel with Peter, Wendy, et al I could really get into that. If you didn't tune in to Neverland when it aired, I suggest skipping your visit. For a show filled to the brim with fantasy, it didn't seem very magical to me.

Recapping AHS: Love is Kinda Crazy

Okay, guys – it’s time to slow things down. After going completely crazy the last couple of episodes, our story took a break this week into only kind of losing its shit.

We begin in a jazzier, swinging-ier time – 1947. A cab drops off a smartly dressed young woman to the house, which is home and business to a dentist. The woman, stunt-casted by Mena Suvari, is in need of a filling (ahem) and has no money to pay for it aside from what Joni Mitchell would have called “being a good cook – I’m sitting on my groceries.” The good doctor takes her up on the offer, mentioning that the flower in her hair is a dahlia. The next morning, a woman and her daughter find the gruesome remains of the young woman’s body in a field; she’s been cut up, torso severed from the rest of her, with a Glasgow smile cut into her. The house finally gets a real celebrity murder – our gal was The Black Dahlia.

It's hard to make a joke about disfiguring girls funny, really.

Act I! Sexy Moira and her ass are making the bed and coming on to Ben. Ben actually turns it down for once but she insists that with Ben, the spirit is willing (heh), so it’s just a matter of time until he gives in. Next door, Constance is painting something straight out of Hieronymus Bosch and boozing herself silly, upsetting her Boytoy. He leaves and encounters Hayden, just chilling at the house next door. It takes all of two minutes before Hayden’s sexing him down in the basement. He promises not to tell Constance about the two of them, but Hayden insists that he should since sex is the only weapon he has. Later, Ben is interrupted by Hayden’s sister, who insists that something has happened to her. It looks like we’re going to get another gazebo joke when suddenly Hayden walks into the kitchen and is all, “oh hey guys. ‘Sup?” The sister leaves, apparently satisfied Ben didn’t kill anyone (double heh) and Ben tries to kick Hayden out. I no longer can tell if Ben believes that Hayden is living or dead. Seems like he should be a little more freaked out by seeing her around. Anyway, the Black Dahlia is in the living room, asking to see Ben because she needs a shrink. Finally, a patient Ben can’t make any worse than she already is. Ben asks her about payment and we’re right back where we started. Ben again uncharacteristically denies her advances, but daydreams pretty graphically about accepting. Ben’s actually come a long way from voyering and then cry-jerking himself back in the Pilot. A phone call from Vivien’s doctor brings news – Vivien’s twins actually have two fathers. OMG I TOTALLY CALLED IT, YOU GUYS!!!

Act II! Constance believes Violet has been sexing the boytoy but Old Moira says fat chance, she loves Tate and isn’t that going to be awkward when she finds out Tate is the father of one of her future brothers. The news of Tate’s fatherhood is not welcome for Constance, who finds Tate in the basement and beats the ghostly tar out of him, saying he’s risked everything. Upstairs, Ben encounters Sexy Moira getting physical with the Dahlia and despite being massively turned on, leaves. Dahlia is confused, saying that was “supposed to work”, but Hayden is suddenly on the scene and disagrees. Dahlia tells Hayden she only ever wanted to be famous and Hayden has to let her in on the uncomfortable fact that she kind of is. Flashback to 1947, the dentist used ether on her, having sex with her body before realizing he accidently killed her via overdose. How to fix this problem? Let ghostly Dr. Montgomery and his trigger-happy surgical scalpel help! Doc Montgomery carves her up, but at least doesn’t graft any animal parts on. In the modern day, Vivien has been kept sedated in the mental ward. Ben visits and tells her that he has no intention of helping her get out of there now that he knows she has been unfaithful to him. This may sound like hypocrisy, but given that Vivien gave him no end of pain for his indiscretion and Ben doesn’t know the ghostly side I can see why he’d be so righteous.

Act III! Ben and Hayden remember starting their affair back in Boston. Hayden is convinced they were destined to be together, but Ben, sensibly, sees it differently – he was just lonely and sad in his marriage. Who is this Ben who suddenly makes cogent arguments and demonstrates insight? In her house, Constance apologizes to boytoy and asks him to marry her. She says there will be a baby soon and that baby’s going to need a proper father. It’s a sign of how unhinged the news of her expectant grandmotherhood has made her that she thinks boytoy with his nonexistent underwear modeling career is the right man for the job. When he denies that he wants to be a father with her, she brings this up and mentions that it was her dream to be beautiful and famous once too then chases him out of the house and back to Hayden for some angry basement hate sex. Hayden wants to go for round two, but boytoy makes a sudden about-face and decides maybe fatherhood would be kind of cool actually. Never talk sense to Hayden. She accepts the news by burying a knife into boytoy’s back several times.

Act IV! Boytoy (I guess I have to start him calling Travis since it looks like he’s going to be around), Hayden, the Dahlia and Dr. Montgomery consider how to get rid of the body. Hayden says someone owes her a favor – cut to Burning Man dumping boytoy’s Dahlia-esque dismembered body in vacant lot. God, I would have killed to have heard that phone call between the two of them. “What’s up?” “Not Much. Remember how you killed me? You owe me, dude…” In the hospital, Constance visits Vivien who and says the babies are growing very fast. Constance says she’ll be there for her.

Duplicitous, psychotic Avon calling!

Back home, Ben confronts Security Guard Luke about his affair with Vivien, but Luke says not only has he not done anything, he’s sterile and can’t have children. Later Ben contemplates the gimp mask (why the hell is that thing still in the house?) and tells Sexy Moira that maybe Vivien was actually attacked like she claimed. Then the Big Moment happens – Moira finally quits the cheesy porn dialogue and suddenly Ben sees her in her older form. Moira tells him he’s finally learning to see the truth of things. This plot development, btw, was BADLY needed and actually really exciting. Next door, Constance listens to the medium tell a story about how whenever a new Pope is chosen, he is taken to the Room of Tears and given a box that tells the precise nature of the Antichrist, a child born of human and spirit in a perversion of the conception of Jesus. Gasp!

Next week – the jig, she is starting to be up.

Charles Dickens was really a socialist

Muppets are big right now. The new Muppet movie is out in theaters and getting rave reviews and you can't turn on the tv, listen to the radio, or interact with another human being without hearing about the muppets. And that's not a bad thing--the muppets are awesome. I think my favorite is one of the newer muppets--Pepe the King Prawn. Which is kind of funny because Pepe isn't even in my favorite of all the muppet movies: The Muppet Christmas Carol.

My last Christmas movie post (and Clovis' comment following it) mentioned how we as a culture seem to have this idea of a perfect nostalgic Christmas. It's almost like we all have a rose and gold-shaded memory of a perfect Christmas that we keep locked in a snow globe forever. Our current holidays never seem to quite measure up, and in my opinion, it's all Charles Dickens' fault.

Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol is the Christmas story that all other Christmas stories are measured against. The main character, Scrooge, starts out a miserable miser who hates Christmas. But with a little help from some ghosts and time travel he comes to embrace all the most perfect ideals of Christmas: love, hope, kindness, sharing, friendship, snow, goose and puddings, top hats....

See what I mean? I think we forever view Christmas through a Victorian Dickens lens. The Muppet Christmas Carol is a refreshing romp through Dickens' world that manages to capture all the magic and emotion of the source material with some modern humor (and adorableness) thrown in from the muppets. Scrooge is played by Michael Cain (in what I think is one of his finest roles) and Kermit gets Bob Cratchit, Miss. Piggy his wife, Gonzo the narrator Charles Dickens, and Rizzo the rat his partner in narrating crime. The songs are super catchy, the score is excellent, and the script is whip smart, pulling a lot of the dialogue directly from Dickens' novella...but with some signature muppet touches of course.

Why Charles Dickens, I had no idea you had a hooked nose.

People try to put a fresh spin on classic tales all the time, but I think The Muppet Christmas Carol is one of the most successful. The love and respect that the creators have for the original book is clear, but they aren't afraid to poke a bit of fun at those (now) cliched Victoria ideals of Christmas. But none of that detracts from letting you feel what Dickens' wanted you to feel. Even though Tiny Tim is portrayed by a little felt frog, when he's singing I always tear up. When Scrooge discovers the true meaning of Christmas, I still get goosebumps. And when the Ghost of Christmas Present shows Scrooge how wonderful Christmas can be, I want to cheer.

Isn't he one of the most adorable things you have ever seen?

I have to confess that I also experience some fiendish glee at the end of the film--when Scrooge comes to the realization that the best way to live your life is by "sharing the wealth" and helping those in need; "if you want to know, the measure of a man, you simply count his friends." I always wonder how the ultra conservatives feel about that part. How the "true meaning of Christmas" is the redistribution of assets to help others. I think deep down we all know that giving to others is the best way to celebrate Christmas, but in our modern world driven by deep divides based on politics, race, religion, and countless others--it's nice to have a reminder. And learning the lesson from a group of adorable puppets definitely helps the medicine go down.

It takes a good actor to sell interacting with a six foot tall giant bearded ghost. But Michael Caine makes this look good.

The Best Christmas Movies: why can't a guy be crazy AND be Santa Claus?

It's finally the first of December, and you know what that means! It's officially ok to get excited about Christmas!

Thanksgiving has come and gone, it's nearing the end of the year...and it is no longer uncool to listen to Christmas music or deck the halls. You might be wondering why a Jew like me loves Christmas so much, but all I can say is 1) we always had a Christmas tree and celebrated Christmas and 2) mind your own damn business.

Seriously though, I love Christmas and to honor the spirit of the season, I've decided to start a new series of posts dedicated to my favorite Christmas movies.  I figure they all air on tv at some point during this time of year, so it's not entirely outside the realm of the blog. Not like I care anyway. You people will read what I write and like it, dammit.

That's the spirit!

Up first, the perfect gateway movie. Miracle on 34th Street. And I don't mean the lame remake version from 1994, I mean the old school black and white* 1947 original. This movie stars one of my favorite actresses, Maureen O'Hara (the Mom from the original Parent Trap) and asks the question: if someone claims that they are Santa Claus are they delightfully crazy or just really crazy? Just kidding--the movie is actually about why it's important to have belief and imagination and how dreams can come true. Also, why the United States Postal Service is awesome.

I call this a gateway movie, because it starts out on Thanksgiving.  Maureen O'Hara is a working Mom who is in charge of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade--and has to find a new Santa in a hurry. The guy she finds seems like the perfect Santa--until he begins to tell everyone that he really IS Santa. From there we are firmly in Christmas mode, but it's nice to start off with Thanksgiving. If you aren't totally in the Christmas spirit yet, this might be a good way to get there.

Yes, I'm sure you're a very nice crazy man who thinks he is Santa Claus. Now get away from me before I call the cops and have you committed. Oops, too late!

The movie is also delightful for all the period references, such as how many of the characters casually smoke while getting ready for (and lying in ) bed. It's also interesting how one of the central themes of the movie is rediscovering the "true meaning" and magic of Christmas. Apparently people in the 1940s were fond of going on and on about how commercial Christmas had become and how nobody really remembered what it was really about, not like in the good old days. Which begs the question: has Christmas really changed that much even now? Seems to me that it was ALWAYS commercial if even 60 years ago people had the same gripes. I mean, when were the good old days? Probably the 1800s...before there was any kind of commercialism. Because there was no industry. And you were lucky to get a single piece of candy for Christmas so quit your whining and go back to bed because that cow isn't going to milk itself come morning!

To sum up, Miracle on 34th Street is the perfect movie to get you in the holiday mood. Adorable kids, adorable old people, romance, a happy and somewhat mysterious ending (was he really Santa Claus???), and a sense that things might work out ok after all. Even for us working stiffs. So grab some hot chocolate, wrap yourself in a blanket, and prepare to have your heart warmed!

 I love you Santa Claus. Now give me a house or I refuse to believe in you.

 * I wouldn't normally recommend that you seek out a colorized version of an old movie, but in this case I think it's worth it. It's a Christmas movie after all, and you want to see the green of the Christmas tree and the red of Santa's suit. Also, Maureen O'Hara is a red-head and you should never miss a ginger viewing opportunity.

Recapping AHS: Who's Your (Baby) Daddy?

OMG you guys –shit just got real. We begin six months ago, as the Harmons are moving in. Lady Macbeth is moving through the house weeping and deeming everything “all wrong”. She seems confused as to where she is and why the furniture that isn’t hers is so cheap, which just goes to show how successful Ethan Allen Furniture would have been in the 1920s. A shadow-y man enters and she demands to know what’s happened to her baby. The man says he will help her and we cut to the first episode and the first of what would become many Gimp/Vivien slash scenes. As Ben does his naked walkabout from that night, he actually passes the gimp leaving Vivien’s room, walk of shame be damned. The Gimp goes downstairs and unmasks to reveal… Tate. Meaning that in addition to every other bit of crazy, this story now has a ghost who’s impregnated his girlfriend’s mom.

Act I! Vivien, Moira and Marcie, the real estate agent, look at the old pictures of Lady Macbeth and hilariously suggest that maybe the ghost was just a doppelganger. That disappeared from the kitchen. Marcie is worried because Sleazy from last week hasn’t returned her phone call about an offer on the house. Heh. In a flashback, Spock has coffee with a girlfriend and talks about his problems with his husband, who no longer wants a baby like they originally planned. Instead, he’s been distant, distracted, sleepwalking and making sexy talk online with guys at an S&M social network. They really do have one of those for everyone, I guess. GF suggests that Spock do something to make married life interesting again, so Spock checks out a sex shop and looks at really painful toys. The clerk suggests buying the gimp outfit, which is meant to dehumanize the wearer and is also very slimming in black. That night, Spock dresses as the Gimp and approaches Mr. Spock, who laughs off the seduction saying he prefers leather, not rubber. The two argue and somehow Mr. Spock gets even more naked before storming off to hook up with hotleatherman25 or something.

Somewhere, a repressed Star Trek fan's head just exploded for joy.

Spock cries and we flash confusingly forward to Lady Macbeth crying in the same position before Hayden yells from the other room that she’s ghosting over here and would you please keep it down? Hayden’s had a busy afterlife, hooking up with all the other ghosts in the house, including Constance’s murdered husband. She tells Lady Macbeth that she’s dead, get over it, but Lady Macbeth doesn’t remember killing her husband or herself. They bond over the fact that they’ve both lost children, Lady Macbeth to a psycho and Hayden to Ben and his shovel, and they get angry that Vivien is going to have two – maybe they should take them from her?

Act II! Vivien is going to bed when she thinks she hears something in the hallway and then the red rubber ball rolls toward her out of the darkness. Hayden’s disembodied voice is suddenly laughing while making lights spark and generally acting like something out of Craig T. Nelson’s homeownership nightmares. Cut to Halloween of last year, the GimpTate is killing Spock when Mr. Spock walks in. Beat downs ensue and, as was foreshadowed back in episode one, Mr. Spock gets the business end of a fireplace poker up his, well, business end. GimpTate explains to Lady Macbeth that they were going to have a baby, but now they’re not, so if they’re dead, maybe a new family will move in that can give Lady Macbeth her baby back? Back again to our time, Violet is playing in the basement with the red ball and talking kindly to something in the darkness. Ben is worried because Violet hasn’t been to school in two weeks. And she’s stopped eating. And feeling sullen. Aw crap, Violet’s totally dead, isn’t she? We’ll have to wait to find out for sure, because in the kitchen Vivien is telling Moira about having hallucinations. Moira tells her not to worry, it’s not that she’s going crazy, the house is just wicked haunted by at least 11 ghosts. Vivien is all “oh HELL no” and grabs Violet, saying they’re leaving pronto. They try to drive off, but the ghosts of the two home invaders from Episode 2 are waiting in the backseat and scare them back into the house.

Act III! Ben is pissed at Vivien for trying to take Violet out of state to Florida. I’ve been to Florida. I’m on Ben’s side on this one. Ben says maybe the hallucinations are the result of mad cow disease, which one gets from eating raw brains, done anything like that lately, honey? Upstairs, Violet and Tate have apparently just had sex because they’re more or less naked and in bed, marking the first time this show has not gone with the sexy. Tate tells Violet he’ll always be there for her, but she can never tell Vivien about the ghosts in the house. Meanwhile, Vivien is going all Roswell, claiming that everything is a giant conspiracy between Ben and Hayden to get her out of the house and also there are ghosts. She asks Violet to corroborate, given the home invasion, but Violet lies and says that she never saw anything ghostly that night. Vivien calls Marcie over then pretends to get a migraine so she can steal Marcie’s gun from her. Smooth move, actually. That night, as she tries to sleep someone is in the room with her, moving in the shadows. Vivien hits the panic button (literally) and grabs the gun, shooting wildly and accidentally hitting Ben as he comes in to see what’s going on.

Act IV! The cops arrive, including Luke the security guy. Ben says the bullet didn't hit him. Possibly a plot point, possibly just bad writing. We'll see. Luke tried to get in because he doesn't trust Ben, but also because he wants to sex Vivien, who is apparently the new Ben in terms of needing to have someone try to have sex with her in every episode. Upstairs, Vivien is struggling under the Valium that Ben gave her to calm her down. Hayden starts yelling at Vivien, saying that Ben is pathetic. Vivien (and all of us) agree. But then Hayden wants Viv's babies and brings GimpTate for yet another round of But-It-Was-Just-A-Dream sex ending with Ben and Luke having to hold Vivien down and call in the men in the white coats. Ben's had Vivien committed because she's a danger to herself and the babies. Vivien is walked out of the house in dramatic slo-mo, shooting Violet a deathlook on the way out for not backing her up.

Make 'em pay... make 'em all pay...

One final flashback to Tate and Moira in the basement with dead Mr. Spock and a rapidly dying Spock. Moira instructs Tate, still in the gimp suit, on how to kill them both to make it look like a murder-suicide. Tate remarks that it’s kind of romantic; this way they’ll be together forever and btw he’s still totally not gay. Also, how is that Basement so clean and free of blood stains? This is, like, the 25^th murder to happen down there.

Next week – The Pope shows up. Seriously, you guys, the mothereffing Pope.