BAMF Girls Club

Today I present you with a web series that answers the age-old question - if all the bad-ass heroines from our favorite shows/movies lived in a reality-show style house, how long would it take for everyone to gang up and smother Bella in her sleep? Well, they've gotten to eight episodes so far. Fingers crossed!

Left to Right: Hermione, Katniss, Michonne, Buffy, Lisbeth and Bella

This series is brought to us by Comedivas, and so far it does not disappoint. Hermione is an insufferable know-it-all, Katniss and Michonne are battling PTSD, Buffy is a slightly ditsy 90's throw-back, Lisbeth is a complete misanthrope, and Bella is utterly useless. And there are plenty of homoerotic overtones... if you're into that kind of thing. *shifty eyes*

Buffy tries to set up Hermione with Willow... hijinks ensue!

It's difficult to integrate characters from such disparate fandoms while retaining each character's distinctive voice. Comedivas does this pretty flawlessly, though Twi-hards will be disappointed that Bella is such an overblown caricature. The rest of us will just find this hilarious. Check out the first 5-minute episode on the Comedivas YouTube channel: BAMF Girls Club Episode One.

Secret Boyfriend of the Week: He Sings! He Dances!

With barely no media fanfare whatsoever, Smash returned last week!

Remember, Smash? The show that everyone fawned over when it first aired and then grew to love to hate as the season devolved into kind of a mess? It became the poster child for hate-watching, though I have to admit that I still liked it even when other people had given up. 

As far as I can determine there were four reasons why people hated the show (and they are all valid complaints):

1) Debra Messing's character wore really ugly scarves;

2) Debra Messing's affair was written as creepily as possible (as he undressed her, she was crying. It was gross);

3) the character of Ellis was incredibly annoying;

4) nobody in their RIGHT MIND would EVER think that Katherine McPhee is a better actress, singer, or Marilyn Monroe than Megan Hilty. 

Most of these things appear to have been corrected in season 2, and based on the season premiere last week, we're off to a good start! The scripts were tighter, the world of the show has been opened to incorporate new plots (and possibly new musicals in development) and I like all the new characters. Unfortunately, the ratings kind of sucked which makes me think Smash is not long for this world...but I intend to enjoy the show for as long as it lasts. 

Which brings me to this week's Secret Boyfriend. May I present: Jeremy Jordan. 

Awwwww.

He's adorable. And he sings.....oh, god, can he sing. On the show he plays a singer/songwriter who is working on a musical with his gay best friend (though he's straight and the love interest for Katherine McPhee). Oh, and he's also kind of a dick. But that's because he's damaged and just needs someone to love! Or, because he's a dick.

Point is, he's really good on the show. But to me, he will always be Jack Kelly in Newsies. I was lucky enough to catch it on Broadway last summer and he blew me away.

Look at him with his cute hat and newspaper bag!

Jeremy Jordan hits the Maggie Cats trifecta: cute, sings, dances. And for that, he's the Secret Boyfriend of the Week!

Smash returns Tuesday, February 19 at 10pm on NBC. If you missed the season premiere, it's available on the NBC website.

White Collar Three-Cap

Here's quick recap of the three episodes of White Collar's winter season.

We open just after the shocking (not really shocking) reveal that Sam is ACTUALLY Neal's father, James. He explains that he got caught skimming money from a drug bust, and his corrupt CO blackmailed him into working for the Flynn crime family. Anyway, he finally got sick of lying to his partner, Ellen, and decided to come clean. Before he could do that, however, higher-up corrupt cops threatened his family and forced him to confess to a cop killing that he didn't commit.

But he did it for his family!

What's a poor con-artist to do? Revenge, obviously. The Flynn scion, Dennis Jr. (hahahaha, really?!?), is trying to revive the family by getting back into bootlegging. And since alcohol is not illegal anymore, he has to make it illegal by counterfeiting top shelf whiskey. Enter Neal, posing as a whiskey counterfeiter - he infiltrates the gang and finds the gun that the elder Flynn used to frame his father. Which they kept for... nostalgia? Right... Anyway, Neal tells James/Sam to take a hike while he and Peter sort this whole thing out.

There's only room for one father figure in this series...

AND THEN Dennis Jr. (pfft) gets shivved during a prisoner transfer arranged by one Senator Terrance Pratt (okay, are you KIDDING me with these names?). Looks like old Terry was one of the corrupt cops that framed James, and now he's trying to tie up loose ends. The team finds out that he's invovled in some quid pro quo with a building contractor - the builder donates to his campaign and he helps him get lucrative contracts. Neal goes in as an architect and they get enough evidence to try to flip the builder Pratt... without success. And the team's chief, Hughes, gets canned for trying to go after the Senator. Meanwhile, the builder decides to take out Peter by cutting the brakes on his car! Peter's wife Elizabeth tells Neal to leave Peter and his career out of this James/Sam/revenge business. Finally, a "good" reason for Neal to lie to Peter.

Hm, I think I'll guilt trip my FBI-agent husband's
best frenemy into lying to him. This'll go well.

When Neal gets the key from Ellen's personal effects, he discovers the key to the evidence box she spoke of in her If You're Watching This I'm Dead video (classic). Peter assigns Jones to help Mozzie with the key - yeah, that's gonna work out well. Mozzie gives Jones the slip, but not before he gets a copy of the key. So it's Mozzie and Neal versus Jones and Peter in the race to the evidence box! First step - the key isn't a key, it's a guide - the teeth of the key form a city scape.

This show is whimsical as shit. 

I think this one's mostly filler... last week's episode had Neal and Diana infiltrating the Cotton Club, a retro jazz joint run by a pair of brothers, one of whom is dealing in fake taxi cab registrations. The team relied heavily on Elizabeth and Neal's landlady June in this scheme. Which... isn't that, I don't know, against every protocol in the FBI handbook? Neal and Mozzie find the cityscape that matches the key - the vantage point is a place Neal used to visit while on the run from Peter - and the teeth of the key cover everything EXCEPT the Empire State Building. Of course Peter and Jones are right behind them using the tracking software in Neal's anklet.

C'mon, Neal, how did you not see this coming?

Who will find the evidence box first? And will Peter forgive Neal for lying to him (yet again)? How about Elizabeth, for asking him to lie? Also, whatever happened to Diana's girlfriend, Christie - why can't she be endangered inappropriately, like the rest of the civilians?

She's a even doctor, that could totally be useful.

Anyone Who Has Use of Their Limbs Can Make a Salmon Mousse

Proudly serving up another piece of Downton Abbey recap (and fancy Russian-Franco dessert) is Lady Gillian! Enjoy!

Hello, Anglophiliacs! Observant folks will notice Jessica Brown-Findlay's name is now gone from the opening credits. Maybe she'll make a joint appearance with Lavinia's ghost in some future Ouija board session, but for now, we mourn.

We open with Robert bidding farewell to the funeral guests. Tom Branson, unsurprisingly, is completely lost. Matthew offers his and Mary's help, but Tom responds that he's beyond help. True dat.  He's going to have to contend with a disapproving father-in-law who doesn't want his granddaughter baptized Catholic or named after her mother. Godspeed. Things are still pretty poisonous between Cora and Robert, and agreeing (for once) that they'd like to get away from the awkwardness, Isobel and Violet leave Downton together.

The new maids downstairs are very silly pieces of work, and Anna nicely explains to them that they're all very sad about Lady Sybil's death, so stop giggling and find something to do. Carson wears his usual disapproving glare and walks out. What do they care, harumphs Carson to himself. I'm sure they'd all rather be out smoking and listening to that new jazz music!He complains to Mrs. Hughes who tells him that perhaps their mothers don't want them going into service anymore.

Inconceivable!

Thomas has been quite affected by Sybil's death, but he's still hot for Jimmy and gives his leg an affectionate squeeze. Jimmy squirms. Does Thomas's attention make Jimmy more uncomfortable than educating the working classes or votes for women? Or is it that he doesn't want to be found out?  Hmmm.

More intrigue, after the jump!

Over at the house of ill repute, Ethel's managed to mess up soup this time (seriously, how clueless is this girl?). Ethel can sympathize with Cora over the loss of a child, but at least she can comfort herself with the fact that Charlie is still alive. Isobel, who wants to host a lunch party, isn't showing a ton of foresight, given the fact that her cook can't, well, cook.

Back at Downton, Mary still hasn't figured out how to braid her hair. Fortunately, she has Anna, who updates her about the Bates situation. Mrs. Bartlett is reluctant to testify on Bates's behalf, since we remember there's some convoluted plot involving Bates's cell mate and one of the prison guards. Super sleuth Anna, however, is on the case.

Upstairs, Cora doesn't want Robert sleeping in their room. Robert at least can admit that they should have listened to Dr. Clarkson. Cora berates him for being blinded by Tapsell's knighthood, London practice and social position, and tells him he allowed those things to block their last chance to save Sybil. Robert leaves the room and chokes down a sob. I still don't feel sorry for him. He's got a lot to make up for. At breakfast, Edith asks after Cora. Branson, employing his usual habit of making things more awkward just by entering a room, enters the room. Edith asks about the christening and asks Branson what he'd like to call the baby. He wants to call her Sybil (duh), and of course Robert disapproves. Edith says she'll go see Mr. Travis about the christening, and Tom announces that Lil Sybil is Irish and will be Catholic.

"It's straight to the IRA for my little Colleen..."

In the village, Mrs. Patmore is approached by Ethel. Mrs. Patmore's uncomfortable because Carson has given a direct order that Downton staff are to stay away from Crawley House and Ethel because prostitution might be catching or something. Ethel asks for Mrs. Patmore's help with Isobel's luncheon. Ethel asks Mrs. Patmore why Isobel should be punished for being nice to her, and…match, set, point.

Over at Azkaban, Blabbermouth guard lets Bates know that he's plotted against Bates to keep him in prison, apparently forgetting that Bates has stuff like a highly competent lawyer and social connections. Those still count, even in these degenerate times.

Robert approaches Mary about Tom's plan to turn Lil Sybil into a left-footer. Gracious Providence! There hasn't been a Catholic Crawley since the Reformation, and we imprisoned her in the Tower! Harumph. Papa, says Mary, you've interrupted my reading for this BS? Oh, how Victorian you are! It's not your choice to choose Lil Sybil's religion or her name, so chill out already. Modern Times: 1; Stodgy Disapproval: 0 Violet meanwhile tells Robert he must think about what his plans are for the baby – and soon, before she starts her own chapter of Sinn Fein. Robert tells Violet that he and Cora are going through a rough patch, and Violet lets him know that among their people, that simply doesn't do. Granny does not speak much of the heart (since it is seldom unhelpful to do so), but she realizes both Cora and Robert are hurting.

In the kitchen at Downton, Mrs. Patmore is gathering up her things to pay her clandestine call on Ethel. She shoos Jimmy and Alfred into the servants' hall, where Jimmy tells O'Brien and Thomas that Ivy was "bothering" them. O'Brien, somewhat lacking in gaydar, asks Jimmy if he doesn't like Ivy. Jimmy says she's not his type.  What IS your type, Jimmy? Inquiring minds want to know. Ivy is kind of a dink, so that’s not any indication of which way he leans.

Isobel's gone over to Downton to invite Cora and the Hons. Mary and Edith to lunch. Isobel doesn't see that Violet is in the study as well. Cora politely declines, but before Isobel can leave, Mary and Matthew enter. Mary thanks Isobel for her invitation, and Cora can't protest without looking rude, so the whore-lunch is on! Isobel is invited for dinner, and stays even though she's not properly dressed, buoyed by Violet's assertion that Travis won't know the difference.

Lady Violet is EVERYWHERE!  

Vicar Travis might not know much about the modes of ladies' fashion, but he does find Catholics un-English. In case we've forgotten that Branson is Irish, Branson is Irish and doesn't give two figs about what's English and what's not. Pagan folderol is not pleasing to God, and Travis is convinced that his God is better than Branson's God. The Crawley ladies and Matthew back up Branson, and I bet Edith is pretty glad at this point that this douche didn’t conduct her wedding ceremony. Violet isn't anti-Catholic, though. One of her best friends is Catholic! Mary's heard quite enough, and she takes this opportunity to let the family know that Sybil told her the day she died she'd be happy to have the baby baptized Catholic if it would please Tom. Robert is shocked  for some reason that his radically liberal daughter didn't go in for organized religion. Whouda thunk it?

The awkwardness continues into the servants' kitchen. Jimmy has apparently swallowed Daisy's dictionary and tells everyone that he doesn't believe in orthodoxy. Alfred's glad to be Church of England, even though he has no idea why. Sensible Anna says she doesn't want to talk about religion, but Carson's glad Alfred is an idiot and doesn't have opinions about important differences between Catholicism and Anglicanism, like transubstantiation. Makes no difference to Alfred. Catholics are weird.  

During snuggletime, Matthew asks Mary if he thinks Sybil knew she was going to die. Given that she was going to deliver a baby at home in 1920, I'm guessing the thought crossed her mind. Matthew and Mary swear to love each other until the last breaths leave their bodies. 

Might want to get to work making an heir, Matthew. Foreshadowing doesn't look good on you.

Murray calls on Mrs. Bartlett and she lies to his earnest face. Later, Murray talks to Bates about their next step. Mrs. Bartlett can't legally lie if questioned by authorities, and Murray is convinced that they can get her to testify honestly.

Have I mentioned how much I like Mr. Mason? Mr. Mason is awesome! He offers Daisy his farm and asks her to leave service and come live at the farm, and this blows Daisy's mind. He tells her that Downton Abbey isn't going to last for another 40 years (it will if Julian Fellowes has his way) and she's got her future to think of. In regard to Alfred, Mason says, "He's seen a diamond and he's chosen glass." Truer words. Ivy wears rouge and knows the fox trot! Shocking!

Clarkson appears at Violet's at her behest. She asks him about Sybil's death and wants to know if Clarkson could have saved Sybil if he'd been allowed to operate. He tells her that there was a chance that she might have lived, , but the likelihood was small. Violet tells him she wants him to explain that to Robert and Cora. She asks him to review the case, but he refuses to lie to make the Crawleys feel better. "Have we nothing in common?" asks the dowager.

Bros Matthew and Branson survey the estate, and Matthew discovers that a poor person would have some knowledge of rural affairs. They discuss important matters like sheep and managing the estate. Branson tells Matthew he doesn't hate Downton; he just doesn’t belong there. Mathew hints that Branson would be welcome to leave Lil Sybil at the estate. Hmm. More foreshadowing!

In the lady is a tramp news, Carson sees Mrs. Patmore leaving Crawley House after giving Ethel a final lesson and pep talk pre-luncheon. Of course he saw her! Much like Lady Violet, Carson is EVERYWHERE! He upbraids Mrs. Patmore for associating with a PROSTITUTE. Mrs. Patmore informs him that she was not frolicking with PROSTITUTES and that Cora, the remaining Hons. AND the dowager are attending this luncheon prepared by the streetwalker, and this nearly gives Carson apoplexy.

Luncheon conversation turns to Edith's newspaper column. Mary and Matthew are for it and Cora is for anything that is against Robert. The salmon mousse may have been a success, but the lunch is a total fail. Robert walks in and orders all the ladies to leave. The ladies discover from Isobel that Ethel was a PROSTITUTE and everyone except Lady Violet mugs a comically shocked face. Ethel enters with an ill-timed dessert. Is anyone coming with Robert? Not when there's Charlotte russe! And now with zero arsenic! 

Seriously. Charlotte russe is a real thing and not a typo. I KNOW, RIGHT!?!

Bates has a shiv! Who knew crochet hooks were so…sharp? He tells his dolt of a cell mate to stop blocking his attempts to get out of prison, or Bates will cut him. Clearly, Bates shouldn't be locked up with violent and dangerous criminals!

In the study before dinner, Mary calls Robert on his being mad because things aren't going his way. Understatement of the year, Mary. Mary tells Robert he's not going to win the argument over the christening and reminds him that Sybil loved Branson. Mary urges Robert to share his grief with Cora, but Robert is reluctant. Upstairs, Branson is with Lil Sybil and Mary and Matthew enter. They are really into the kid, and Tom can see it. It must enter his head that Lil Sybil would have a good life with Mary and Matthew.  

And they called it Ragtime! Jimmy is playing the piano and proto-flapper Ivy is discovered wearing rouge! The trollop! Thomas gets touchy-feely with Jimmy and O'Brien tells Thomas he's been summoned by Robert. Jimmy tells O'Brien he doesn't like Thomas's Roman hands and Russian fingers and Jimmy threatens to tell Carson, or maybe the po-pos. O'Brien's thrilled. She tells Thomas that she thinks Jimmy has a crush on him. She thinks this is her ticket to getting rid of Thomas. Doesn't she know that super sleuth Anna has been making progress on getting Bates released from prison? With whom will she plot if she gets Thomas thrown in jail for buggery? Think ahead, O'Brien!

In the kitchen, there is Godless social dancing! Alfred wants to learn the fox trot to impress Ivy and her flapper ways, and Daisy agrees to give him a lesson. Jimmy enters and lets little Daisy know that Alfred's only using her to impress Ivy. Jimmy is a way nicer person, and a way better dancer. Carson, WHO IS EVERYWHERE, enters and tells Jimmy off. Alfred was dancing, too, but he doesn't speak up and lets Jimmy take all the blame. Daisy realizes Alfred is a prat and SO TOTALLY stops liking him right that second.

Anna runs across the Downton lawn to where Mary and Edith are fulfilling their promise to get along better, and we're to assume that because they're walking by the road instead of throwing each other in front of automobiles. Anna has great news! Mrs. Bartlett has changed her testimony, and Bates will be set free! Hurray! 

FINALLY THIS PLOT IS OVER! REJOICE!!

Cora and Robert have been invited over to Violet's for a short visit. Clarkson is there. Prompted by Violet, he tells Cora and Robert that Sybil's death was likely unavoidable. He leaves, and Robert and Cora reunite in their grief.  As a side note, the only cure for preeclampsia/eclampsia is to have the baby and the afterbirth expelled from the body, because the baby's presence in the body is what causes pre-clampsia. Magnesium sulfate was known to work on preeclampsia/eclampsia as early as 1906. A Caesarian could have saved her life if they'd gotten her to the hospital before the final stages. Is Clarkson lying on Violet's orders or does Fellowes simply not know any better? Is he just bending the truth a little as a favor to Violet? If he is lying, does it matter in the long run? After all, a rift between Cora and Robert isn't going to bring Sybil back, now is it?

Next week, it looks as though we have a genuine flapper in the family, and Branson is hanging up his Fenian cap in favor of a jolly game of cricket! Smell ya!

The Following

The Following is FOX's latest attempt to recapture the magic of 24.  In case you are thinking, "what the hell is The Following"....see below (adapted from wiki):

The series follows an FBI agent (Kevin Bacon) who finds himself tracking a network of serial killers--masterminded from prison by the serial killer he caught years ago. James Purefoy plays Joe Carroll, a former college professor who taught the works of Edgar Allen Poe and killed young women in the gothic hero's honor—until he got caught. Since then he's been spending hours on a computer in the prison library, building a social network of copycat killers who hang on his every command. When the series begins, he's just escaped from death row with help from those followers, and the FBI calls in former agent Ryan Hardy—who brought down Joe the first time—to consult on the case.

The show has a lot going it:

1) James Purefoy. You probably recognize him from Rome (he played Mark Antony) or A Knight's Tale (he played the Prince guy), and he's one of my favorite actors. He's handsome, charming, and can exude crazy almost too easily. When he and Kevin Bacon face off, you can really believe that he is a serial killer brilliant and charismatic enough to convince people to follow in his footsteps.

 Tall, dark, handsome, and FUCKING CRAZY AS A LOON. Still, what's a little sociopathy among friends?

2) Production Costs: the show looks great and it's clear the network spared no expense. The pilot felt completely cinematic and boasted a full cast and cool locations.

3) The dark tone. It's a show about serial killers after all, and I've got a soft spot when it comes to the "true crime" genre. Call me crazy, but I've kind of got a sick fascination with reading and watching stories with serial killers. Please do not attempt to explain what this says about me--I think I'm better off not knowing. The point is, The Following does not shy away the darkness and violence. Does it bother me that the violence is (once again) aimed solely at women? Of course. But I think that's a larger problem with network television these days. Point is, The Following is creepy and kind of scary and I dig that.

As with most things in life, The Following is not without its flaws. So far I have problems with:

1) The Edgar Allen Poe angle. As you can see from the show's description, the main baddie's inspiration for murdering people is an obsession with all things Poe. I'm sorry, but this just makes me roll my eyes. For one, it seems played out and a cliche. Also, perhaps my memory isn't that great--but I don't seem to remember that Poe actually advocated killing people. Sure he wrote scary stories and was super depressed, but it's not like he was the president and member of Serial Killers Club for Men. The Poe stuff just seems forced.

Did I mention the followers wear these Edgar Allen Poe masks? No? Well, it's some of the creepiest shit my tv has seen for a while. And I watch American Horror Story.

2) Kevin Bacon. I love Kevin Bacon, I really do. He was in Footloose for god's sake! But his former FBI agent didn't make much of an impression so far. Sure, he's an alcoholic and has a heart problem, but other than that he kind of comes off as blank to me. Perhaps that will change in the future, but for right now he's too vanilla.

3) The lack of a strong female. The only things women have done on this show so far are get murdered, run around screaming and wringing their hands, or get manipulated by a serial killer. I'm not saying we need to have Buffy the Vampire Slayer or anything, but COME ON. Would it kill you to throw the female viewership a bone?

So we've got three points in favor and three against. I wouldn't say that I'm hooked, but I'm still enjoying watching The Following--mostly due to James Purefoy's performance. But if they keep him locked away in prison through the entire season things are going to get old fast. Basically, if they can sustain the energy and promise of the pilot, I'm going to stick with it. But if it's just young girls getting butchered with a hastily scrawled "Nevermore" on the wall every week, I might have to bid it a fond adieu.

The Following airs Mondays at 9 on FOX.

The Night the Lights Went Out in New Orleans: Super Bowl XLVII Reviewed

Okay, seriously, so was that a Super Bowl or was that a Super Bowl? Amirite?! Fresh off the news, confirmed this morning by CBS, that Super Bowl XLVII was the most watch Super Bowl in history (which, frankly, owes part of its distinction to the fact that the power outage which I’ll talk more about in a second pushed the airing into Prime Time on the west coast) this was honestly several hours of good television.

For those not inclined to read about football, you can jump ahead four paragraphs where I talk about the commercials. See you there.

It didn’t look like it was always going to be thus. The Baltimore Ravens dominated the game for the entire first half, going into the halftime show up 21-6 over the San Francisco 49ers. San Francisco’s only points came from kicks, not even making it into the end zone until more than midway through the third quarter. The second half began with Baltimore receiving the opening kick and then instantly running the return down the field for 109 yards into the end zone and bringing the score to 28-6. For a game that was not supposed to be a route, it was shaping up to be one.

And then! AND THEN! Even folk who don’t watch football know what happened next – a power outage caused the field to go “dark” for more than 30 minutes. While TV stations vamped, players tried to throw the ball around just to stay loose and Twitter utterly exploded, someone somewhere was likely having a major coronary just trying to figure out how to get the power back on. All the progress that the city of New Orleans was hoping to show they had made since the last time the entire country stared breathlessly at the Superdome under much different circumstances suddenly was in danger of being brought out for another round of collective cultural hand-wringing.

The Good Times, they did not roll.

Nonetheless, come back on it did, but it may as well have illuminated an entirely different game. “Momentum”, that frankly mythical yet somehow strangely present fuel that every game seems to run on had completely shifted. Baltimore was no longer running literal rings around San Francisco and the 49ers delivered 17 un-answered points to bring the game to 28-23 at the end of the third quarter. With only 15 minutes of play left, we suddenly had a real game.

I’ve written before that the point of the Super Bowl is to be flashy – it’s not about grinding away on the gears of good ball, it’s about dazzling all the corporate sponsors and creating some pizzazz. In that way, the final quarter lived up to its hype. The score was tight, the plays energetic. Each drive literally could change the outcome of the game and with the clock dwindling, it seemed like anything could happen. In the final minute and a half of play, Baltimore managed to stop San Francisco from getting into the end zone and retained their lead only barely, 34-29 despite a block that many 49ers fans saw as an illegal hold. With few tactical options, Baltimore allowed San Francisco to score an additional three points (complication reason – for the uninitiated, let’s just say it was because the move ate up valuable time) in the hopes of punting a final return with only 8 seconds left, believing that their defense would be able to stop San Francisco from accomplishing what Baltimore themselves did only two quarters earlier. It was a gamble that paid off and Baltimore won the Super Bowl for only the second time, defeating a team that had yet to lose a Super Bowl game it played in.

ATTENTION NON-FOOTBALL FANS! YOU CAN START READING HERE!

So yes, the game was exciting, but we all know that the commercials are a vital component. (Oh yeah, Beyoncé was there for something, too.) It was the usual mixed bag, of course, with a surprisingly touching Clydesdale commercial forming among the best of the offering and unfortunately having to mix it up with the insulting, juvenile worst. (I’m speaking of pretty much anything put together by the GoDaddy.com team.) 

However, the most effective advertisement for a product wasn’t any of the glossy, high concept live action clips that interrupted the game every few minutes – it was this pitch-perfect, utterly timely Oreo ad that you would have only seen if you happened to be on Twitter or Facebook while the game was playing. Or you are now like the rest of the world and have seen retweeted and liked a million times over.

Simple in design, epic in scope. Also, damn. Now I'm hungry.

Whole marketing graduate theses are going to be written about how Oreo got their ad up and into the public consciousness without even paying money for it and in such a way as to make everyone remember the product. And don’t laugh – that’s pretty hard to do. Think about all the commercials you saw last night – how many of them do you remember what they were schilling for?

The blackout alone will ensure that this Super Bowl gets mentioned in highlight reels for the next fifty years, but even if you weren't the type of person to enjoy watching the game, you still likely found something that was entertaining beyond talking with fellow party-goers over the crab dip. Until next year, then! Only 212 days until the start of football season!

Recapping AHS: Whys and Wherefores

Last one, everybody. (Well, until October, that is.) We begin at the beginning with Johnny breaking into the ruins of Briarcliff in the modern day. He wanders about while listening to a recording of Lana’s book read by Lana herself. He sees visions of the inmates, including Lana telling him he never should have been born and Thredson saying how much he loved Johnny and how Lana stole that love from both of them. Who should arrive but Leo and Teresa, the randy newlyweds from the first part of the season. We see the opening scene, this time from Johnny’s perspective as he hides in the cell that Leo eventually sticks his arm into. We all remember what happens next – arm in, Johnny decides what the hell and hacks it off with a machete before heading after Teresa.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Act I! In the modern day, an aged Lana sits in her extremely well-apportioned home preparing for a Barbara Walters-style interview on her life. Lana’s partnered openly to a professional classical musician and seems to be doing splendidly. The interviewer wants to talk about Bloody Face for the Kennedy Center honor she’s being given, but Lana’s not too keen on talking about that subject, understandably. But she does agree to talk about how she finally took down Briarcliff. Flashback to 1970 and Lana leads a camera crew through the death chute into the asylum. We see an extremely dank, overcrowded and filthy Briarcliff with inmates wandering freely. Patients are naked, covered in sores and generally utterly gross and the filming is all very Willowbrook: The Last Great Disgrace and, honestly, really cool to watch. Finally finding an orderly, Lana demands he take her to Sister Jude. Lana recounts wishing she could have found Jude in the depth of the asylum and freed her from it, but she never got the chance. Jude was long gone by the time she got there. Meanwhile, she needs a break before going on and asks for some water. A production assistant hands her a bottle. Lana thanks him and we see the assistant is Johnny.

Proof that the reality of deteriorating mental health care is far scarier than aliens, ghosts, demons and the Catholic Church.

Act II! Sometime in the early 1970s, Lana visits Kit in his house shortly after airing her exposé on Briarcliff. Lana demands Kit tell her who Betty Drake is, confessing that while going through the mess in Braircliff she discovered the files that showed Monsignor faked Jude’s death and gave her the new identity. The files also show that Kit checked Jude out in 1971. Kit confesses that he used to visit her while she was drugged and unresponsive, eventually reasoning that getting Jude out was the one thing he could do for her. He brought her home to detox from the drugs they put her on and she slowly began to recover some of who she was. Jude would occasionally relapse, however, believing she was back at Briarcliff and becoming violent until one day, during a particularly bad fit, the children calmly took Jude’s hand and led her into the woods, after which Kit said she was never the same again, becoming calmer and happier. Kit concludes that Grace was right, the kids are special. Jude spent six months becoming a surrogate grandmother to Kit’s children before becoming sick. In her final moments, we see Jude lying in bed with the kids. She tells Julia never to let a man tell her that she can’t be anything that she wants and that Thomas should find something that he loves and do something important with his life. Kit sends the kids outside to play, telling Jude that he’s here and he’s not going to leave her alone. Jude smiles and tells him, “I’m not alone – she’s here for me.” We see that the Angel has been in the back of the room this whole time. The Angel gently tells Jude they’ve been doing this dance for many years, is she sure she’s ready? Jude asks for a kiss. The Angel moves closer to the bed, wings unfurled and leans in and the entire scene is just ridiculously touching and beautiful. And that’s the end of Sister Jude.

And a flight of creepy anachronistic angels sing thee to thy rest.

Act III! The interviewer asks Lana about her next success after Briarcliff – taking down Cardinal Howard. Lana recalls hunting down the former Monsingor in New York in a parking structure and asking him about his role in hiring Arden, detailing the human remains of the zombie inmates that they’ve since discovered. Monsignor drives off, but apparently couldn’t escape the guilt and he is found later in his bathtub, wrists slit wide open. “Lies are like scars on your soul, they destroy you,” Lana ponders. Then she tells the interviewer about her lie that she’s propagated for years – that her baby died in childbirth. She admits that she gave him up to the state, although in the mid 1970s she suffered remorse and managed to hunt the baby Johnny down to a schoolyard, where he was being picked on by some bullies. Lana intervened and helped young Johnny, touching his face tenderly before Johnny ran away. Lana says she thought about him often, wondering where he is now. Of course, Johnny is sitting in just the other room listening. Lana says she found some comfort in becoming Godmother to Kit’s kids who have done well for themselves becoming a law professor and a neurosurgeon. Unfortunately, Kit developed pancreatic cancer when he was 40. His decline was apparently slow and painful, but strangely, he disappeared one day without a note or any evidence. Three guesses as to which extraterrestrial force was responsible. Finally, the interview is over and the film crew clears out leaving Lana alone in her home. Lana pours two stiff drinks and says to no one in particular, “Why don’t you come out now?” Turning around, Johnny emerges from the other room. “Let’s get this over with, shall we?” says Lana.

Act IV! Turns out Johnny got onto the crew by getting stabby with one of the early delivery staff. Johnny says this isn’t how he pictured this happening, but Lana says she always knew it would come. Lana was warned about him recently when two cops sought her out after a series of murders occurred in what was Thredson’s old home, now Johnny’s. Johnny says he suspected who Lana was that day on the playground, dreaming most of his life that she would come back for him. Then one day, on eBay, he found the recording of Thredson confessing while Lana threatens to abort the baby growing in her. Hearing Lana speak so coldly about getting rid of the life inside her while Thredson begs for her to keep it alive, Johnny began to hate Lana because at least his father always wanted him. Johnny pulls a gun and points it at Lana’s head, saying that this will make his father proud of him. Lana gently touches Johnny’s hand and says that his father was a monster, but she knows that he isn’t because even if Thredson is a part of him, there has to be a part of her in Johnny too. Lana cradles Johnny, moving the gun away from her. “It’s not your fault, baby,” she tells him. “It’s mine.” And that’s when Lana uses the gun to shoot Johnny in the head, just like she did his father, stone cold killer style. 

Cue obligatory hand-wringing about who is the real monster, etc. etc. 

Flashback to 1964, the first meeting between Sister Jude and Lanat. Lana would also like to interview Jude, but Jude says no, she’s certain they’re not destined to meet again. “You don’t know what I’m capable of,” Lana says. “Just remember,” Jude advises her, “If you look in the face of evil, evil’s gonna look right back at you.” And with that Sister Jude leads Lana out of the building before heading back into its depths as Dominique begins to play.