Deadliest Warrior

Why has nobody told me about this show until now? WHY?

It combines three of my favorite things: fighting, awesome weapons, and lots and lots of fake blood. Seriously, this show is the bomb. Sometimes literally.

I am, of course, talking about Spike TV's Deadliest Warrior. The show pits famous warriors (either individuals-- like William the Conqueror--or classes of fighters, such as a Zulu warrior) against each other in a series of tests to see who will come out on top. The results of the various tests are then plugged into a computer simulation program which calculates the deadliest warrior.

The tests that each hypothetical warrior are put through focus on their standard weapons and battle techniques. For example, a recent episode I caught with my Dad and brother pitted a Roman Centurion against an Indian Rajput. Their weapons were categorized by their range capabilities, and various experts took turns whacking at blood-filled mannequins or (also blood-filled) hunks of meat to determine which weapon was most effective. Another episode that pitted the CIA against the KGB combined weapons and strategy, posing a challenge for experts in Cold War weaponry to see who could perform the quickest and most efficient clandestine assassination. Shockingly, the exploding cigar lost. Boo.

So what's the allure of this show? Um, how about the fact that it is completely badass? As someone who was raised on action movies I have a pretty strong bloodthirsty streak, so watching showdowns between history's best and deadliest fighters is pretty awesome. The tests are always fun (if you like seeing mannequins getting hacked limb from limb--and really, who doesn't?) and sometimes the results are surprising. But really this show is entertainment at it's most basic. Violence = fun.

It's just too bad there aren't more female contenders for the Deadliest Warrior. Aside from Joan of Arc I haven't seen the show focus on any women. In that vein, I have come up with a great deathmatch:

Miyamoto Musashi, a Japanese ronin and the most famous swordsman of all time....

VS.

Jane Austen, famed nineteenth century English novelist.

The pen is mightier than the sword, right?

GET IT??

Oh, shut up.

Deadliest Warrior airs on Spike TV pretty much all the time, but the new third season episodes air Wednesday nights at 10pm.