I'M THE BRIDE, BITCH

YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS!! YOU GUYS!!!!

YOU.

GUYS. 

LAURA EFFING TYLER WON FACE/OFF LAST NIGHT. LEGIT. SHE WON. 

About friggin' time. 

Last week, to much feathers, fanfare, and aplomb  (well, maybe not so much with the fanfare but there were feathers and aplomb aplenty), Tate, Laura, and Roy became the last three Face/Off Season 5 contestants. They went on to compete in the finale for a grand prize of cash, cars, make-up, and an all-you-can-eat KFC buffet. Because birds.

It was a little nail-biting toward the beginning of last week's episode, because I wasn't sure if the three people I wanted to be in the finale would get there. Things came together in the end for our intrepid make-up designers. As expected, Miranda couldn't take the pressure and didn't time manage effectively, and so she was eliminated. 

The challenge last week was to create a human/bird hybrid. 

Tate won that challenge, and Roy narrowly edged out Miranda for a spot in the finale. As you may recall, during Roy's season, he lost a spot in the finale due to Nicole, who ultimately won. I think most people could admit that Nicole has some skillz, but did she really deserve to be in that finale, and did she really deserve to win? I don't think so, and I think most fans are in agreement with me on this. 

So, onward to the finale. 

For the final challenge, THE FOWL THEME CONTINUES. There will be more feathers! I say MOAR FEATHERS, son. I say, I say. MOAR FEATHUZ. 

I was very into this finale, because not only was I pulling for Laura throughout and this was right up her alley, but I really liked the challenge itself. The finalists were tasked to create a swan and an evil sorcerer look that would be applied to ACTUAL BALLET DANCERS from the Los Angeles City Ballet. These make-ups had to stand up to a specially choreographed performance of Swan Lake. 

Bad things will happen to you if Laura doesn't win. Very bad, very bad things.

Onward to the challenge! 

The first day, the finalists wake up and are treated to a Skype call with their loved ones. Roy talks to his wife; Tate talks to his parents, who look like the most adorable pair of aging hippies ever; and Laura, wearing what I can only assume is a leather vest that she picked up off Tate's floor that morning (SHIPPING!!!),  talks to her mom and husband. D'awww! Seriously. That vest with the chains on it. Yeah, that way belongs to Tate.

I may need hugs.

At the workshop, Fairy Princess of DOOM McKenzie Westmore informs the neophytes of their final challenge. Then, they're allowed to pick teams comprised of the last six eliminated contestants. They are instructed to choose one vet and one newbie. Laura goes immediately for Miranda (duh). Miranda can't take the heat, but she's a damn good sculptor. Her newbie is Eddie. On Team Tate, it's Alana and Lima. On Team Roy, it's Frank and Scott.  It's kinda too bad that Laney walked out, because she does have talent and she might have made a difference in Roy or Tate's looks.

The swan and sorcerer have to take on the theme of a certain time period.  Their choices are: Industrial Revolution, The Roaring 20s, the Italian Renaissance, and the Ming Dynasty. Laura takes Renaissance, Tate takes Industrial Revolution and Roy takes Ming Dynasty. I don't know why they all avoided the Roaring 20s theme like the plague because they could totally have done an Art Deco thing, unless they were afraid the only thing they could think of for that would be a Tom Buchanan sorcerer casting a spell on a helpless Daisy swan. Or maybe they'd make an F. Scott Fitzgerald swan with the sorcerer being a giant bottle of gin. Oh, the possibilities. They are endless.

I'll buy her from you, old sport.

Roy, I felt, was the underdog in this challenge. He struggles to come up with a concept on Day 1. He comes up with a sorcerer who looks not unlike Confucius, but comes up with a mechanical/automaton swan. This is really a huge step out of Roy's comfort zone, and the two other dudebros on his team aren't much help. The clock's a-tickin' and they start sculpting, even with a kind of weak concept. Team Laura gets a head start with a solid concept by Laura. On Team Tate, the concept is still a little vague, and he has some issues with Lima and her feather effect sculpt. Papa Westmore stops by to hand out some fatherly advice, and it's onto Day 2.

Day 2 starts bright and early, and Roy decides to change his concept.because he feels like his mechanical swan is too much like Tate's steam punk swan. Tate's changed his concept a little bit and sets aside Lima's work from the day before. Laura and Miranda, meanwhile, are booking right along with her sculpts, and Laura sends Eddie to the mold room to start casting. Things go wrong for Roy on the swan's cowl. He sent Scott to mold it, and Roy can't get it out of the mold. So, Scott will have to remold and recast the cowl on Day 3. 

On Day 3, Laura molds her cowls, and Roy starts fabricating.his armor. His armor is really cool, but there's really no way a dancer can move in that. On Team Tate, Alana is trying to open the mold for the cowl, and she finds that the mold didn't turn out. The inside of the mold is full of holes, and he's worried about the overall look of the swan.  It turns out in the end that he didn't need to worry about his swan, because his swan was awesome. But, it cost him time to work on the sorcerer, and his sorcerer didn't turn out as well as it could have. Laura had issues with the edges on her cowl, so she and Miranda spent some extra time cleaning the edges, and Laura decided to hide some of the edges with a pearl necklace she found. 

We're just going to add a little bling to this evil spell you're under, m'kay?

Everything more or less comes together in last looks, although Tate is still upset that he didn't have more time to finish his piece for the sorcerer. McKenzie Westmore (in a solid silver mini-dress), Glenn, Ve,  and Neville are waiting at the auditorium for the performance and final critiques. 

And now we dance!

It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple matter of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not hold a one pound coconut.

The specially choreographed Swan Lake performance is basically Tchaikovsky Cliff Notes. It's not really Swan Lake if you have three different swans, but they have a corps de ballet, and each coupling has a chance to do a featured pas de deux and that is where we can see the make-ups in action. The ones that are the most effective in the performance, and the ones which hold together the best, are Laura's. Roy's fabricated sorcerer cage is cool and all, but he had to have known the guy couldn't dance in that. 

I love how during the Face/Off finale, they have an audience there for like fifteen minutes, and then during the judging portion, they kick them out. I hope those folks are being paid to sit there and didn't buy tickets or anything. At least they gave up on that letting 'Muricka vote idea. 

If these images aren't large enough for you to see in detail, you can check out all of the finale looks here. 

Here are the swans:

Laura.

Tate. 

Roy.

Here are the sorcerers:

Laura.

Tate.

Roy.

Overall, I think Laura had the most cohesive look. Her make-ups fulfilled the task, and neither of them had to be altered so that the dancers could, you know, dance. Tate's swan, as you can see, is FREAKING GORGEOUS, and if the outcome were just based on that look alone, he would have been the winner. I know Roy had issues, but his swan is generic and conventional. I wish he'd done more with the gold paint on the swan's chest and neck. As it stands, it looks like something that was in the wardrobe trailer on the set of Black Swan. Just not terribly innovative, especially when compared to Tate's swan. I really loved the breastplate and the overall aesthetic of Laura's swan. Neville wanted more feathers on the head because I guess he's into that sort of thing. 

I'm serving up Natalie Portman tarring and feathering the populace realness.

As far as the sorcerers are concerned, I felt that Laura had the strongest sorcerer. Hers fit into the same world as her swan, and nothing needed to be removed from her make-up that would have been in the dancer's way, at least not as far as I saw. Tate's sorcerer wasn't doing it for me at all. I realize he had issues with the cowl, but the way his mouth was stuck open like that kind of made him look more like a bum you'd run into in Central Park who was wearing a Windsor Castle-shaped hat than a sorcerer per se. Roy's sorcerer is stunning, but the dancer had to remove that entire fabricated piece from the front so he could dance, and what was left kind of just looked like Yul Brynner. 

After kicking out the audience and some deliberation by the judges, and some some guy-liner-filled intense stares from Glenn, Laura is declared the winner!! Hurray!!!

Heheheheh.

New season of Face/Off starts in January, with all new contestants and some WILD AND CRAZY LOCATIONS BECAUSE IT'S REALITY TEEVEE, PEOPLE. 

We're Going to Be Doing a Fur Transfer

Hello, my good people. It's Arsenic Pie here. Sorry for falling off the planet there for a while. But, here I am. I am back. Please groan or applaud accordingly. I was busy polishing my grills and appropriating ratchet culture for questionable artistic purposes. Takes a lot of energy.

So, this season of Face/Off maybe was supposed to be the most exciting season of Face/Off to date. Anyway, I was stoked at least. I say "was" as in the past tense in order to indicate that I am not, in fact, stoked.

I don't know if you good people missed the unnecessarily long Face/Off season preview special (and if you're watching this season), but in case you aren't already aware, this season has an added twist. Instead of solely bringing in an entire new season of Face/Off contenders, they have brought back previous season contenders (read: losers) and they're competing against the newbies for the title of Ultimate Glenn Hetrick.

Wilkommen auf mein lair, minions.

I am actually quite keen on most of the Face/Off alumni, because it features previous season favorites such as Roy (season 3 fabricator extraordinaire); Tate (TATE!!); future Tim Burton employee RJ; ultimate sweetie Alana; former dark horse and likely season champ Miranda; and Laura (WHO WAS ROBBED). However, I have to wonder about the wisdom of bringing back this Frank individual. 

Pouty Puderschmidt of the Quahog Puderschmidts.

In case you don't remember Frank from whichever season he graced, he was just kind of an asshole whom nobody much liked. I wondered  during the season preview why they would be bringing Frank back and then I realized, duh, dramz. DRAMZ. I guess they are hoping that if there aren't enough catfights amongst the artistes in the workshop, they can always count on Frank to be a turd. I think of all the veterans that they brought back, Frank and Eric Z. are the weakest links. I was kind of looking at them to be the first veterans who get the boot. Again. So, I wasn't really surprised when Eric couldn't get his shiz together and got booted a week or so ago. It's somewhat ironic because Eric Z. won the online Redemption challenge. Whatevz. Frank has been in the bottom looks as well, but this past week Frank actually got it together and ended up in one of the top looks. So, hurray for Frank for not sucking so much. I guess.

The first week started with some fairies plugging the new Syfy show which highlights the world of costumed aggression, Heroes of Cosplay. (As a side note, in case you're wondering if Heroes of Cosplay is Toddlers and Tiaras but with nerds, it's Toddlers and Tiaras but with nerds.) 

My name is Yaya but everyone just calls me "Fairytits."

The first foundation challenge was to create a cosplay character based on the Halloween costumes from amongst a group of volunteers. So, if cosplay has always given you the irks, this might have been a good time to FFW. One hour later, the winner of the foundation challenge was...not Laura. Huzzah! It was Tate. TATE!!

Which one's Fluffy? Dude, they're both named Fluffy.

As far as the contestants go, the veterans are kicking ass and taking names. The final results are generally not even a contest, with the veterans' work looking polished and professional and the newbies' work looking...well, a hot mess.  All of the challenges have been won by vets, and the vast majority of the people who have gone home have all been newbies. So, the whole result is kind of meh. I don't mean to sound entirely negative about this season, but the new people really haven't impressed me that much. None of them are really that interesting and I can't get a good gauge of their talent level because they are getting kicked off the show early on because the vets are just that good. A point in their favor is that none of the newbies are histrionic drama queens who go around the workshop causing 99 problems, so that's at least a step in the right direction.

However, Imma gonna have to stick up for my girl Laura here because she is getting shafted right and left. Laura landed in the bottom last week, although her look was not THAT BAD. It could have been better, but it could have been a lot worse, and she was paired with Frank. However, she's been in the top looks the rest of the time, but she has not won. This was the whole story during her season, and the finale particularly sucked because freaking what's-her-face won even though Laura clearly deserved to. So, I guess we're going to do this again. I guess this whole season is going to be another round of Laura being the bridesmaid and never the bride. 

 I know, right? Completely fucking hosed.

I am not sure if I can even continue to watch this season.  I don't know if it's me or if it's the show. Do I need to break up with Face/Off? I like Miranda and all, but does she really deserve to win every challenge. I cannot even look at Laura anymore. It's too painful. She's always in the top looks, but she doesn't win the week's challenge? Even when she was paired with Alana and their team was the number one look, the judges chose Alana as that week's winner. This past week, the judges heaped praise on Laura's look, and unless there were critiques that they left out of the editing, it really looked like Laura was going to win. Then Glenn announced that Miranda had won, and Laura was visibly shocked. Do I even need to sit and watch this whole season or has The Hetrick decided he wants to get into Miranda's pants and thusly crowns her the winner every fucking week? I guess Miranda is talented, but is she really better than Tate? And Laura? And Roy? And RJ? Really?

I don't want to go so far as to say or speculate that the female contestants are being rewarded based on their relative cuteness and/or likeability. I am all for rewarding hotness in its due time and place. I feel as though Glenn gets the final say in who wins and who leaves and so as long as he feels like Miranda and Alana are creating better looks than RJ, Laura, Tate and Roy, I guess I haven't felt like sitting through an hour of them creating looks if I already know that Glenn is going to choose Miranda's looks over all the others. 

I am also not sure how I feel about Face/Off turning into this huge show with all of these big-name guest stars and themed events. Sometimes I feel like they've taken this little show that I liked and turned it into this huge...Thing. Anyway, I'll keep you all posted on the end result. 

Guys! Guys! Guys! There's a treasure map on the back of John Travolta!

I See Dead People

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single family in possession of their dream home must be pestered by a ghost. Or a demon. Or a vampire. Or a brooding vampire. Or two brooding vampires taped together to make one super-emo vampire. Or some other such creature from the Buffyverse.

Seriously. Someone should have given these two a spin-off. Oh, wait.

I am a slut for paranormal TV shows, and there has been a significant dearth in decent ones since shows of the ilk of Ghost Adventures (which, to my experience, features neither ghosts nor adventures) started taking to the airwaves. Not that that format doesn't have its merits, but I'm always perplexed why individuals who are that frightened of anything that might be a ghost would choose to enter a career as a ghost hunter.

"We suddenly came upon some weird guy wandering around and looking for signs of paranormal activity."

If your desire for chills and thrills extends further than watching idiots running around the dark screaming expletives every time they hear a board creak, then I must direct your attention to Syfy's Paranormal Witness. I happened upon this show On Demand during a weekend of being so far in the depths of laziness that I physically could not get off the couch. Then I found season 1 on Netflix, and I was a happy panda.

The show follows a basic format of witness interviews, interspersed with actor portrayals of the narrated events. I don't know how easily you all scare, but some of the reenactments and stories are legitimately scary. I have been known to scream out loud and then giggle nervously afterward. Or maybe I'm just a wimp.

 Stop me if you've heard this one: One day, I was playing with a Ouija board and oops. Out popped this demon

Unlike on a lot of shows of this nature, the production values are pretty high. The special effects and make-up are quite well done. The cinematography is great at creating that just right creepy mood. The show has a good balance of being suspenseful and creepy without becoming over-the-top and corny.

Poor dear. She's still not over the War of Northern Aggression.

In case you have already bought your dream home -- or possibly that cute little fixer-upper in the Hudson Valley -- and are already being plagued by a proverbial clown car of demons and ghosts, I have compiled a list of helpful household hints.

General tips:

1. Don't bring a gun to a ghost fight.

2.  If you see a demon in your home, call a Catholic priest. Stat.

3. Do not buy your dream home. Like. Ever.

4. For that matter, do not buy a house. Period.

5. Or a classic car.

6.  If you hear a noise and go to investigate, and you do and there is nothing there, TRUST ME, 

THERE IS SOMETHING THERE.

7. When in doubt, move out.

8.  It's just going to get worse.

9.  If your child has an imaginary friend...

10. Believe.

Paranormal Witness is available on Syfy On Demand. Season 1 is available through Netflix. New episodes air Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Syfy.

"I'm telling you. If I have to explain this concept to the Hufflepuffs one more time, I am calling my union rep."

Whodunnit?

Despite my best efforts to NOT like ABC's new summer reality series, Whodunnit, I have to confess that I am hooked.

I'm not sure that the show is actually any good, but I love participating in murder mystery parties, and this entire show is like the ultimate murder mystery party. With a budget of several million dollars, professional actors, special effects, stunts, and a group of people who are highly motivated to solve the mystery. Whereas at our parties, we're all highly motivated to dress up in costumes and drink a lot of cocktails.

The concept is going to sound complicated on paper, but if you just think of it as Clue meets Survivor meets Agatha Christie's, Ten Little Indians, you'll be fine. From wiki:

The series follows 13 "guests" (11 actual contestants, as one is the "killer" and another was planted as the first "victim") living in a mansion. They are guided by the butler, Giles. Every episode a guest is "killed" and each of the remaining guests are allowed to search only one of three areas (the crime scene, the last known whereabouts, or the morgue) to find clues about how the murder was carried out. Guests then participate in a riddle challenge that leads them in a search through the mansion. They are individually taken to a private room where they orally describe to the unseen killer how they believe the murder took place and make an accusation as to who the killer is. 

During dinner, Giles announces how the victim was "killed," and reveals the contestant who performed best in figuring out the details of the crime. Giles hands an envelope to each remaining guest. Those receiving cards with the word "Spared" performed well enough to advance to the next episode. At least two guests receive a card with the word "Scared," meaning they were the lowest scorers, and are up for elimination. During the night, the killer eliminates the lowest-scoring guest by "killing" them, in turn setting up the murder for the next episode. In the end, the contestant that can unmask the killer will leave the mansion with $250,000.

See? It sounds like a lot. But basically there is a murder, an investigation, a riddle that results in more clues, and the guests then make an accusation. Depending on the quality of their accusation, they are either safe or on the chopping block. LITERALLY.

The series suffers from the usual reality show conventions; the contestants react to everything with hyperbole and too much emotion ("If I don't figure out how this crime was committed I could get murdered!!!"). Especially since we all know nobody is really going to get killed. There's a lot of the constant summing up of what we've already seen and to be honest, none of the contestants seem particular intelligent.

Having said that, it's just a fun summer show. Of course there is the droll English butler, lots of riddles and puzzles, and running around with people spouting crazy theories. An interesting twist is that the contestants are free to share, withhold, or lie about whatever information they find out from the investigation and riddle challenges. There are already some alliances that have formed and other contestants who have gotten the cold shoulder. At the heart of the show is a game, and despite needing each other to solve the mysteries it's every man for himself.

It's also not too late for you to jump in, two episodes have aired, but each episode has a self-contained murder so you don't really need any prior knowledge. The first two episodes are also available for viewing on ABC.com.

Oh, and my money is on Giles, the butler, as the actual killer. He just seems way too calm about all this murder.....

Never trust a man in a top hat.

Whodunnit airs Sundays at 9:00pm on ABC.

Kosar the Undefeated

J. Anthony Kosar, talented movie make-up designer, intense gazer and all-round adorbz hottie, won Face Off on Tuesday eve. His triumph was celebrated by, quoth the Caroline, "the weakest confetti fall ever."  

Hello, ladies.

Yes, his last name sounds like a bad sci-fi movie villain (J. Anthony should get to work on that creature design stat), but after a season rife with monster/human hybrid related challenges, a deplorable lack of zombies and a somewhat meh finale challenge, KOSAR EMERGED VICTORIOUS!! Send in the pillaging hordes. Or the celebratory catered cupcakes. Or somethingz.

Anyhoo.

In case anyone is honestly surprised that Anthony won, winning last week's challenge placed him in the finale with fellow designers Wayne Anderson and Kris Kobzina. Anthony has been in top looks all season (except a few times when he was for some reason in the bottom due to a seeming lack of dramz happening this season). Wayne and Kris have also proved their mettle throughout, continuously bringing in solid design after solid design. Eric Fox was the last person eliminated before the finale, possibly disadvantaged because he could not visit the Defiance set in Canadialand for the "Plug Defiance" challenge because of what host McKenzie Westmore said were "family issues." K, Kenz. K.  Maggie Cats and are I hopeful that Eric F. can find a way to get past this loss and make his fortune in marketing his own brand of signature eyeliner.

Maybe he's born with it. 

The finale challenge was entitled, "Living the Dream,"  inspired by "Le Reve: The Dream at the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas," which is basically Cirque du Soleil but underwater.  Their task this week was to create a "dreamscape," with one character originating from the dream and another character who is a "dream thief," which is apparently some type of soul-stealing, dream-eating monster. Om nom nom. Maggie says this would not work with her dreams, since she has most recently been dreaming of cupcakes. 

Your finale challenge: create a demon/cupcake hybrid.

The winner gets $100,000, an opportunity to be a guest lecturer for Make Up Forever in New York and Paris and...a Fiat, for some reason. Confused? Maggie and I will be here to walk you through it.

Fortunately, the network eliminated the bells and whistles from the extravaspecatulaeleganza they created for the Season 3 finale. That finale was live, they made all the finalists get hooched out, and the winner was chosen by audience vote. It bordered on tacky, and the wrong person won. 

This time, thank Zod, the winner will be chosen by our intrepid team of judges: eyeliner-laden former Buffy make-up artist Glenn Hetrick (also likely the reason Lady Gaga has been looking like Madonna lately); Oscar-winning movie make-up maven and Everyone's Mom, Ve Neill and...and...what's the other guy's name? Doesn't matter. 

To the challenge!

After a brief Skype call with famz, the gentlemen head to the workshop and discover that they have to create a fantasy make-up, requiring one (1) "dream thief" and another character who is the dream thief's victim. The added twist this time around is that the models this time are actually acrobats who perform in Le Reve. All of their creations will be featured in a performance of Le Reve In Front of a Live Studio Audience. Their creations must be based on a theme, with their choices being: whimsical, gothic, ethereal, cosmic and sinister. Anthony chooses sinister. BWAHAHA. Kris chooses ethereal, and Wayne chooses supernatural. 

Maggie: Who the fuck wants whimsical? A whimsical dream thief?

Miss Pie: Dreams are whimsical sometimes. 

Maggie:  I dream a lot that I am a vampire slayer. For reals

.

Miss Pie: I dream about Downton Abbey.

So you want to have an eyeliner battle? So it is. 

Oh, and McKenzie "forgets" to mention the water factor. All of their make-ups have to be 100 percent WATERPROOF. BY THE WAY.

Miss Pie: What will happen if one of the models drowns? Do they get automatically eliminated?

Maggie: Automatic 4.0 average.

Miss Pie: With Ve being like, "I'm so sorry that poor girl drowned, but this looks amazing on her dead body."

As per the case in past seasons, our apprentice make-up artists are joined in the finale by a team comprised of previously eliminated contestants.

Maggie: Who let these freaks out of the asylum?

Miss Pie: Is that everyone? That's not everyone.

In previous seasons, everyone came back and the finalists chose their teams from all of the former contestants. That always left a surplus of former contestants who didn't participate in the finale because...well, usually because they were really bad. This time, only the past six people eliminated have been asked to return for the finale. Unfortunately, this means the return of a contestant named Autumn, who was this season's general fuck-up/Debbie Downer. 

Maggie: Just lock her in a cage.

Autumn managed to stick around until the last half of the eliminations, due mostly to sheer luck. Was she brought back to create drama because the producers know the other contestants don't like her and have stated on camera that no one wants to work with her? The mystery lingers. 

Miss Pie: OMG. Who would choose Autumn for their team? She is like the worst

Maggie: Hmm. What about the girl who CANNOT FEEL HER HANDS? MY HAND. I CANNOT FEEL IT!

Miss Pie: I loved how they sent her partner home instead of her, and then kept her around for three more weeks.

Maggie: Oh, the drama. They want more drama.

Go home, Autumn. You are drunk.

Sadly, since the teams this time consist of the finalist and two helper elves, all the erstwhile contestants had to be assigned to a team. Team Anthony ended up with Autumn. 
She was last picked. Perhaps her next creative venture could be writing a Taylor Swift song.

Other eliminated contestants making an appearance in the finale were Alam Park, Meagan Hester, Eric Zapata, and David "House" Greathouse. There is no female contestant in the finale this season. With the possible exception of Alam, all the female contestants this season exhibited a disturbing amount of fail. 

The finalists get four days for this challenge: three days to sclupt and pour molds, with Day 4 being the finale finale where they crown the new Face Off king. On Day 1, the finalists sketch their concepts and begin sculpting their clay molds. 

Kris dislikes this challenge, due to not "feeling" it. He bleeping hates it. BLEEPING hates it. They're all freaking out about the water. Also, since all this is going to go down in Vegas, these folks have got to pack up all of their prosthetics, make-up, costuming and whatnot into the Face Off official Don't Fuck-it-Upmobile and travel from the workshop in LA to Nevada. How very diverting. 

Day 2 of challenge. Enter McKenzie, with fatherly show mentor and real-life dad, Star Trek: TNG make-up effects artist Michael Westmore.

Miss Pie: I like Michael Westmore. He seems like a nice dude. 

Maggie: He always knows exactly what point to make.

Miss Pie: I like it when people don't listen to him and then they go home.

Maggie: It's like Tim Gunn. Always listen to the mentor, you fools!

At the end of Day 2, Wayne is behind. Again. He had planned to have everything sculpted and molded by the end of Day 2, but yet once more, he's failed in his time management. Michael Westmore has been on Wayne's case all season about his time management, but some people just cannot listen. Le sigh. Next season, Papa Westmore should dress someone up like a Ferengi and have them threaten contestants if they don't baaaring it. 

Anthony has issues on Day 3 of the challenge.  His female make-up's face "second skinned," which, he explains, means there are air pockets on the surface of the skin. This simply will not do in the finale. He plans to re-run it in foam, but then he sees that his mold has already been destroyed. Well, shit. So, he has to sit and resculpt the face. As if things aren't looking bad enough for Anthony, Autumn and Eric Z. can't get Anthony's chest piece open. Anthony asked Autumn to make this mold, and somehow during the pouring process, Autumn poured the foam in such a way that the mold ended up locking. 

Maggie: Oh, God! Autumn will fuck this up!

Miss Pie: Oh, there is so much fail. Autumn is going to cost him the win. She should be fired. Out of a cannon.

Maggie: Like a gerbil. 

Meanwhile at the less panicked end of the workroom, Meagan is acting as a prosthetic and paint guinea pig for Team Wayne. Eric F. sprays her with a hose to see how their paint will hold up in water. Autumn and Eric Z., however, cannot get this mold open.

Maggie: He will persevere. He is magic.

Never fear! For I am handsome!

Team Anthony finally gets this mold open. There's a little damage, but Anthony feels he can work with it.

Miss Pie: The sculpt can be saved!

Maggie: Yay! Maybe he is getting the perseverance edit!

The painting phase begins! Then it's time to head to Las Vegas. 

Our finalists get escorted to the Wynn Hotel in a rented limousine, and head up to a sickening VIP suite.

Maggie: Yay! Vegas!

Miss Pie: Does what happens there really stay there?

Maggie. No. Herpes lasts forever.

Miss Pie: Much like diamonds.

It's application day. Team Anthony, Team Wayne and Team Kris enter. Hopefully, the production team let the non-finalist worker bees sleep in the limo so they come into Day 4 refreshed. 

Hello!

Wayne gets to work sealing his appliances.  Four hours before "last looks," the Le Reve performers arrive for application.  Anthony is a little behind since he doesn't have all of the appliances done. Wayne is far behind, and it looks like he will be painting during last looks. Again. 

McKenzie enters, clad in a sparkly dress, and tells them they have one hour. So get painting.  

Maggie: She looks amazing. I want that dress.

Miss Pie: Me, too. Oh, Wayne. Not getting his paint job done again.

Maggie: I mean, how many times can you make the same mistake?

Miss Pie. I dunno. But he does it a bunch.

Woo-hoo!! It is time for the finale!! McKenzie says "amazing" a bunch, and then introduces our friendly judging panel. 

Tonight, one of you will win. Two of you will lose. And I will still be rich and beautiful.

Miss Pie: Neville! That's the other judge!

Maggie: Neville.

Miss Pie: Longbottom.

Maggie: Nah, he is way more BAMF than this Neville.

Our first creations up are from Kris. His dream thief is an amazing (see, I said it, too!) creation, totally in keeping with his chosen "ethereal" theme. I'm not feeling the Yellow McYellowtown on his female make-up, though. Together, they kind of look like mutant University of Michigan students post nuclear meltdown. Not that that's a bad thing.

Hail to the Not-Victors.

Up next, we have Anthony. The female looks like she's clad in a '60s-era Trek costume, but Anthony has a cohesive look. 

 #OrionSlaveGirlProblems

Of the three final looks, I find Wayne's the most underwhelming. His paint job is too pale and monochromatic, but his sculpting is beautiful. I like the female's costume, but the male's kind of looks like supernatural lederhosen.

The David's Bridal 2014 Netherworld Collection.

The judges go in for a closer look pre-swim, and really don't have any negative comments to make about any of the looks, which is unusual for this judging trio. And no, none of the judges is British. And now we dance!

I must say, the performance is pretty stellar. There are all these ropes and pulleys and gadgets and mid-air flips and dives and really you're just waiting for a couple of them to die so their orphaned son will grow up to be a superhero sidekick. Because that totally happens.

I could so do that. Here, hold my beer.

The performance is actually really cool. No one drowns. Everyone is happy. And now we judge you!!

Surprisingly, none of the judges has anything negative or nasty to say about any of the make-ups. Generally, there is a ton of nit-picking going on, especially from Glenn's end of the table, but the judges are very pleased with this last group of looks. Glenn creates some non-tension by saying, "The winner of Face Off " is...a commercial break. Brought to you by Neutrogena and Kristen Bell. That's the plot the Veronica Mars movie. Spoiler alert. She wins Face Off.

Back to the show. The ectopic pregnant pause continues. Glenn announces the winner is Anthony. And then the ceiling farts out some confetti.

Miss Pie: How happy are you?

Maggie: I am very pleased.

Miss Pie: Balloonz!!!

Maggie: But this was underwhelming.

Miss Pie: A Fiat is underwhelming.

Maggie: I feel like they have had better challenges. Something more specific.

Miss Pie: It was very generic.

Maggie wanted a bigger challenge. Maggie wanted Alice in Wonderland zombies. Or Tim Burton zombies. Or ZOMG YOU GUYS Downton Abbey zombies. (!!!!)

Maggie demands MOAR zombies!

Stay tuned for a new season of Face Off coming this summer to a television near you. If you are on pins and needles, head on over to the Syfy web page and check out Redemption, where eliminated contestants from Season 4 compete in 10-minute webisodes to earn a spot in the next season of Face Off. Look out, world! 

I want you to sculpt me like one of your desiccated demon mummy girls.

Face Off generally airs on Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on Syfy.

OMG THEY KILLED MATTHEW???!!!!!!!