The Bell Tolls for Thee

Last Sunday, Lifetime aired the made-for-tv-movie: The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story. As a child of the 90s, Saved by the Bell came around at a formative period in my life. Everyone wanted to be cool like Zack, pretty like Kelly, smart like Jessie, buff like Slater, and sassy like Lisa. I guess nobody wanted to be nerdy like Screech, which pretty much explains why this movie got made. Yes. folks, Dustin Diamond is STILL carrying around his SBTB baggage, and this explains the movie--which is based on his book, Behind the Bell.

Surprisingly, I didn't think the movie was terrible, but it basically failed to consistently entertain as it wasn't able to pick a stance or point of view and stick with it. Fellow TV Slut, Arsenic Pie, and I obviously have many opinions about the movie, and we invite you to read them. You're welcome. 

Maggie Cats: Ok, so moving on to the clearly vital topic of the Saved By The Bell movie.

Arsenic Pie: It was fucking glorious. Although I was expecting it to be must more salacious.

Maggie Cats: I have two initial thoughts. First, that the actually most interesting part of the movie was (I thought) about the studio suits and producers who fought to keep it on the air. This is ironic, because when they pitched it, it was "all about the teenagers rather than the adults." But the teenagers were boring. Second, that nobody gives a shit that Dustin Diamond was a nerd and felt left out by the popular kids. Maybe it wasn't that he was a nerd, but that he was actually a spoiled brat who was fucking weird.

AP: I thought the kid was way too cute and adorable to be Dustin Diamond. He had a Screech fro but he was a pretty good looking kid .

MC: This is true. But the character of Dustin Diamond as written for the movie was basically intolerable. Mark Paul was way more interesting...sorry, Dustin. But I don't care that you took up drinking because NOBODY LIKES YOUUUUU.

AP: I believe that he was probably that much of a little shit, though.

MC: Oh, me too. Absolutely. I mean, he did write the book was based on. Probably because he couldn't find any other work. OH SNAP.

AP: He should have gone the sex tape route. Wait didn't he try to?

MC: I thought he did? Or he made a porno or something? He definitely did something gross like that.

AP: This is what I did for you fellow, TV sluts. I googled "Dustin Diamond sex tape."

MC: OH GOD.

AP: That's in my search history now.

MC: You are a braver soul than I. Part of me wants to know about it and part of me wants to run screaming.

AP: My first search result is about how he regrets Celebrity Fit Club. You don't want to see grainy images of DD's bare ass?

MC: NO. Moving on, what did you think of the movie having the Dustin "character" as the narrator? So basically Dustin was the "Zack" of the movie?

AP: I didn't care for him as the focus because I wanted more focus on the other characters. They were all way more interesting.

MC: I totally agree. I get that he wrote the book and is why the movie got made, but it just made the film feel so slanted.

AP: There was very little of Tiffany-Amber. I liked the kid they had playing Mark Paul. He was interesting.

MC: He was my favorite by far. The best actor as well.

AP: The stand-out was the girl who played Lark Voorhies. She was spot on. Like they nailed the casting.

MC: The scenes between those two characters were the best; I did not know Lark was a Jehovah's Witness so that was an interesting revelation.

AP: I wanted more of their relationship.

MC: Though it seems as if nothing ever came of their flirtation. I wonder how accurate that is. The depiction of their relationship I mean, though if she is a serious Jehovah's Witness, I guess not much actually happened.

AP: I don't care. I"m totally shipping them. I kinda felt a little bad for DD because he was the one geeky guy with two much better-looking male co-stars. But I got kind of sick of the whining and how bitter he was. He could have quit at any time. I felt like he didn't get how things in that industry work.

MC: Exactly. It's like, "I understand how this must have been frustrating but OMG SHUT UP ABOUT IT." Especially since like 75% of America felt the same way when they were a teenager. And we all got over it without making sex tapes and writing a bitter lame supposedly "tell-all" book.

AP: I know it's mean but if you want to be the romantic lead who gets all the girls you have to look a certain way. There was nothing tell-all about the movie. I wanted more salaciousness. They just looked like really normal, decent kids. I thought they'd be all into destroying hotel rooms and stuff but nay.

MC: I know, right? Don't go trying to make drama, Dutsin.

AP: Like tell us how Elizabeth Berkeley had Mr. Belding's love child.

MC: Think about how interesting the movie would have been if they had actually based this on interviews with everyone and it was more accurate. It doesn't need to be manufactured drama, just tell the story how this unlikely show because a huge hit.

AP: I felt like they went in that direction, then pulled back to focus on Dustin. There's not much else to Dustin except he felt left out. Which is kind of stupid when you think about it because everyone loved him. He just wasn't getting the type of attention he wanted. I wanted to know more about Lark's life, and MP's relationship with his parents, because I could be wrong about this but I believe he sued them at one point.

MC: You are totally correct; there was that one scene where he fought with his mother about his money, and it was really interesting. They both had valid points. Tell me THAT story. About a teenager on a hit show who makes a couple missteps but is overall a nice person trying to negotiate all this craziness.

AP: Yeah, I definitely wanted to know more about Mark-Paul and his parents. Mario's characterization was just he was A.C. Slater in real life. Tiffany-Amber just seemed kinda there. Elizabeth seemed like Jessie but in real life.

MC: I wonder if they were that dull or if it was just the way this story was told.

AP: But DD kept claiming how they were all hooking up all over the place and the only hint of that I saw was with Mark Paul and Lark in that one scene. I think it was the way the story was told. They touched on Elizabeth wanting to do more serious work, then they dropped it.

MC: There was that one moment where he narrated, "if you were wondering who we were dating in real life just look at who we were dating on the show." But then it never actually showed any of that. So I was like, WHUT.

AP: It was poorly edited. They showed Mark Paul at the party, and then the next scene was him getting chewed out for doing shit but they didn't say what that shit was. I want some Ferris Bueller level messing around. Overall I was left wanting more.

MC: Yeah! For a story that is probably largely fictionalized, it just wasn't that interesting.

AP: Like drive your car into a pool, Mark Paul.

MC: Either make it ridiculously scandalous, or tell me the true story of the show. I think you mean his motorcycle.

AP: Impregnate the hell out of Hayley Mills.

MC: If he had run the motorcycle over Mario in that one scene it would have been amazing.

AP: I feel like Mario's last words would have been, "Preppy..." See we could have written this script. Why aren't we in charge?

MC: You know, I ask myself that every day. Perhaps the world just isn't ready for our brilliance.

AP: We're unappreciated in our own time.

MC: It's true. But just wait until the TV Sluts The Unauthorized Story comes out.

AP: We'll include a portion with how Clovis impregnated Hayley Mills. And how we were doing lines of pixie stix. And throwing actual food at the TV.

MC: That all actually happened though.

AP: I will talk to E! and do the True Hollywood Story.

MC: And also Behind the Music on VH1.

AP: Yes. Yes, we need one of those as well. I want so badly to be in one of those confession booth thingies.

MC: Next time you visit we will do a vlog entry.

AP: And I want to be subtitled. I don't care if I sound educated and Midwestern. SUBTITLE THE HELL OUT OF ME. We should way do a vlog. With sock puppets. We can subtitle it for our Honey Boo Boo viewing demo.

MC: Final thoughts on the movie?

AP: Saved By the Bell: The Unauthorized Story. Yay. Just not that unauthorized. Just not that scandalous. I was left wanting more. Saved By the Bell: The Musical?

MC: It tried to tread the middle ground between salacious and telling the true story, and failed at both. And it made me wish for the more boring actual story--so probably not what they were going for. My absolute final thought: GET OVER IT, DUSTIN DIAMOND.

AP: There wasn't enough development of the other kids on the show, who were interesting in their own right. They should reboot the show. Except do it meta. With them playing the cast of Saved by the Bell but also playing themselves. I'd watch that. There should also be a Broadway musical in the works. Where can we pitch this? Again I ask of the universe why we are not in charge.

Essential Halloween Viewing

Ah, Halloween. Who doesn't love a holiday centered around candy and scares? And like most holidays, there is essential movie and television viewing that can help get you into the spirit. Here are some of my picks for your Halloween viewing entertainment.

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown: Without question, this is the quintessential Halloween special. From Charlie Brown's, "I got a rock" to Sally's tirade against Linus in the pumpkin patch ("I MISSED TRICKS OR TREATS!"), this special is all it takes to get me into a Halloween mood. Sure, it's not scary, but sometimes family friendly will do the trick just as well.

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown airs tonight on ABC at 8:00.

Hocus Pocus: Speaking of family friendly, this movie about the three Sanderson witches resurrected in modern day Salem isn't going to send you hiding behind your couch. But it IS going to be full of awesome like Bette Midler's teeth, Sarah Jessica Parker's ditzy witch, and some pretty fun musical numbers. Throw in a talking cat, lame teenage romance, and a large amount of cheesiness and you have a classic Halloween flick.

Hocus Pocus is NOT airing on Halloween which is a travesty of epic proportions. but you can find clips online like this one on you tube:




Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas: You could really just put "any Tim Burton movie ever" on this list and call it a day, but my personal holiday fave is this animated musical. The visuals are stunning, the songs are catchy and fun, and it mashes up my two favorite holidays. Plus, if you were a kid I am thinking you might find it kind of terrifying. I mean, it features a clown with a tear-away face. That shit is frightening.

Ok, enough of this family friendly crap. Let's get to the good stuff--what to watch if you want to be terrified. This website has a nice roundup of the specials and movies airing on Halloween night (like various entries in the Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street franchises and even the Rocky Horror Picture show), but this is a tv blog. Which means I am going to list some of my favorite scary television episodes ever.

The X-Files, "Home":A family of mutant incestuous rednecks who haven't left their super creepy house in 10 years? DO NOT WANT. And yet, this episode is pretty much the bench mark for terrifying television. The image of the virtually limbless Mama Peacock rolling herself out from under the bed has haunted me for years (seriously, childhood trauma), and other parts of the episode are still burned into my mind. And psyche.

Buffy, The Vampire Slayer, "Hush": I remember when this episode first aired. I was watching it alone in my dorm room my sophomore year of college and The Gentleman scared me so badly, I had nightmares. The creepy score and arm-waving straight jacket wearing minions didn't help matters. It's Buffy at its finest (and scariest) for sure.

Trick or treat, motherfuckers.

Doctor Who, "Blink": Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Who knew statues could be so fucking terrifying?

Supernatural, "Ghostfacers": A departure from the usual Supernatural style, Ghostfacers featured a show within a show, as the brothers Winchester encounter some amateur ghost hunters shooting a reality show in a haunted house. Of course the house is really haunted. Usually "reality show trope" episodes of scripted dramas are super cheesy, but this one is actually genuinely frightening. And not everyone survives....(runner-up scary Supernatural episode, "Everybody Loves a Clown." NO THEY DO NOT).

All these episodes are available on Netflix streaming for your Halloween convenience. And for even more examples of scary tv episodes, check out this list from I09, which includes some pretty rockin older shows like Twin Peaks and The Twighlight Zone.

Have a happy (and safe) Halloween!

I Don't Want His Juice. I Want MY Juice. MY JUICE.

Sorry about the delay in updating you good folks on the progress of our pilgrims on Mad Men. Imma gonna do what the celebs do and plead exhaustion.

As you may already be aware, the big bombshells for last week week were that Troutshorts is gay, and that Sally Draper is going to be needing even more therapy than previously anticipated.

Dafuq?

Bob Benson revealed a secret love for Pete Campbell (really? seriously? Pete?),  ending WEEKS  of speculation about whether or not he is gay. Still unexplained is why any man in his right mind would look at the trout shorts and think he could wear them in public. Well, it was the 60s. Everyone was dropping acid. The trout shorts have really made me question Bob Benson's judgement, so maybe it shouldn't be too shocked that he has the hots for Pete. Haha. Pete. Hahahaha. His life sucks so much. Anyway, yes. Troutshorts = gay. Suffice it to say that Clovis has better gaydar than I do. I probably owe him a pint.

I'll begin by recapping last week's episode just in case anyone has been living under a rock, and stay tuned for a recap of this week's episode. Which I have yet to watch. SO NO SPOILERS. 

So last week, in the episode "Favors" (snort), my Time Warner Cable says, and I quote, "Betty makes plans for Sally's future; Peggy faces trouble at home." I think by "trouble at home," they mean Peggy maims a rat and offers Stan sex in exchange for killing it. So, way to knock it out of the park, Time Warner. 

Seriously, Peggy is afraid of rats.

Don walks into his office and Roger is raiding his bar. Should he be at all surprised by this? I'm not. 

You're all out of gin.

Don and Roger are in with Sunkist and Roger learns to juggle oranges. Look at you, Roger. You've inadvertently found a purpose in life.

In Pete's mom is dressed like Jackie O. hawking Pepto-Bismal news, Pete's mom shows up at the office with her new nurse, Manolo (Blahnik?) whom Pete has hired upon the recommendation of Troutshorts. Pete is rocking some 70s sideburns and is annoyed that MOTHER has shown up at his his place of employment. Pete takes Manolo into his office and Peggy has THE MOST AWKWARD CONVERSATION EVER (and that is saying a lot) with MOTHER. You think, "Omg. Omg. Omg does she know?" and then MOTHER tells Peggy she should work things out with Pete, for the sake of their child! And you're like OMG SHE KNOWS! Then, you realize that it's just MOTHER's dementia talking and MOTHER has gotten Peggy confused with Trudy.

Oopsie. Tea?

Now, tell me, dear. Are you the estranged wife or the one he impregnated?

Over at the Francis home, Betty's sucking on a cancer stick and yelling at Sally because Betty has found out from Julie's mom that Julie and Sally are the only girls signed up for the model UN team. Of course they are. Has Betty not noticed it is 1968? Betty doesn't want Sally alone with all of those boys, and Sally asks to stay with Don and Megan, because Don, unlike Betty, doesn't just think Sally is a pain in the ass. Well, he thinks she's a cockblock, but we'll come to that later.

Speaking of people Don probably shouldn't have had sex with, Don meets Mitchell, Sylvia and Arnold's son. Mitchell's paid a surprise visit to Megan because Mitch has gotten himself into a passel o' trouble. A. Passel. Kid's in school, but he sent back his draft card in protest. Like WTF. Now he's 1-A.  Mitchell was asking Megan if she could help him run to Canada, but Don tells Megan that it's not their problem.

In other ill advised decision making news, Ted's getting hammered with Pete and Peggy before he flies them back to New York. I choose to believe that this entire scene was an outtake and this is how Elisabeth Moss and Vincent Kartheiser interact in real life because it was prosh. 

So, Peggy. I don't suppose you'd...No? No. Okay. Just thought I'd ask.

Pete picks up on the sexy tension between Ted and Peggy and Pete figures Peggy's just screwing Ted. Peggy denies it and moves on to MOTHER having told Peggy that Manolo has been giving her (MOTHER) about twenty big ones a day and the thought completely grosses Pete out. Peggy thinks it's just a delusion on MOTHER's part, but Pete isn't so sure. MOTHER better not be having more sex than he is. 

The doorbell rings and oh, crap, it's Arnie. Don takes Arnie to a bar so he can commiserate, and Arnie confesses that something has been "off" with his relationship with Sylvia. Ha! Don asks Arnie if he has any connections, and they talk about their service in Korea. Don served in Korea, but he's against Vietnam and tells Arnie as much. 

Ted's wife is angry because Ted hasn't been home to spend time with his family. Ted's wife seems a lot more human in this interchange and isn't just the harpy she appeared to be when we first met her in the MLK episode.

Don pulls Pete into his office and asks Pete if he still has a contact at the Department of Defense. Pete's contact left for Union-Carbine, and Don asks Pete if he knows anyone who can really pull strings. Pete reminds Don that's he having dinner with GM, so he should ask them. Pete reveals to Roger and Don that he's been working on an Ocean Spray account, and this undermines Don and Roger's plan to reel in Sunkist.

To be fair, this WAS Roger's original promo idea. 

Ted comes out of the conference room and wants to know if we are having this meeting? Are we having this meeting? Are we having this meeting? Ted wants to know why Don didn't tell Ted that Don told Harry Crane to put together a prospectus for Sunkist, while Ted has been having Pete court Ocean Spray. Ted wants to know why Don hasn't been following the memos. There's been a series of memos. 

Read your effing memos, people!

This leads Ted to fling himself dramatically on the couch and whine to Cutler about how he doesn't want Don's juice. He wants HIS juice, not Don's juice. Ted's juice. He just wants to avoid a urinary tract infection. That's all!

In this can't end well news, Mitchell Rosen has raided the Jackson 5's wardrobe and, thus finished, he is standing in the foyer of his parents' apartment building. Sally walks in, accompanied by her boy crazy friend, Julie. Mitchell says he would be down for some fun statutory times. Wait. They're, like, 14. Mitchell is 19. Ummmm... Anyway, Sylvia comes downstairs and yells at Mitchell for not calling a cab, and he sulks off with  his mom, giving the audience a full view of the Donny Osmondness of this ensemble he's got on.

So, what's the limit of what we can do that won't get me thrown in jail?

Anyway, Julie's in luv.

Mitchell Rosen, circa 1998.

Speaking of inappropriate sexual advances, MOTHER is supposed to have a nice dinner with Petey and then she has to go and ruin it all by talking to Pete about the heights of Nirvana to which Manolo has been taking her dusty lady bits. I think anyone watching at this point has figured out that Manolo is probably gay and that's probably how he knows Troutshorts, but poor MOTHER is firm in her delusions about Manolo's love stick. Pete tells her he's disgusted and that's when MOTHER tells Pete what we've always known to be true: That MOTHER is disappointed in Pete. She tells Pete that he was a sour little boy and he's grown into a sour little man (tru dat) and then she wanders off into the night. And Pete just lets her go.  Pete confronts Troutshorts about Manolo and tells Troutshorts that Manolo has to go. Troutshorts reveals to Pete that Manolo's interests lie elsewhere...ahem...and...so...do Troutshorts' interest. His interests lie with Pete. Yes, Pete. Out of all the men in that office. Troutshorts likes Pete. That's what.

In awkward dinner conversation news, Don makes thing REALLY awkward at the Chevy dinner by bringing up Mitchell Rosen, even after the other partners have already broken the ice.

Cutler: Well, you should go to Florida. Saltwater. Down off the keys where the marlin run.

Ted: Write your own Hemingway story.

Roger: If you don't catch anything, you have to blow your brains out. 

Too soon?

You see, these good ole boys at GM are in support of the war, and they don't like this here talk about no draft dodgin'. Wrong move, Draper. 

Am really going to need my teddy bear after tonight. 

So, over in Sally's room, Sally and Julie are writing all the stuff they like about Mitchell on a piece of paper. We really do stuff like this when we're fourteen, fellas. No joke. You think it's just a harmless bit of fun, but Julie signs Sally's name to the letter and volunteers to "take the trash out" the next morning. She sneaks over to the Rosens' apartment and leaves it for Mitchell.

Over at Peggy's, the aforementioned rat has fallen victim to Peggy's trap, and, sans male to rescue her, Peggy calls Stan and basically tells him she'll sleep with him if he comes over and takes care of the rat for her. You were hitting on me five episodes ago, remember? Stan's actually in bed with someone and he sleepily tells Peggy that he's not coming over and that she has to deal with it herself. Peggy's not our poster girl for feminism in this episode.

At SC&P, Ted is livid that Don horned in on Chevy and made them uncomfortable at the dinner.   Ted calms down a little when he realizes Don seems sincere about helping Mitchell, and Ted reveals a contact with a brigadier general in the International Guard. Ted says he'll help if Don backs off and stops going behind Ted's back and stops chasing Sunkist.

Mmmm. Cranberries.

Deal thus brokered with Ted, Don calls the Rosens', ostensibly hoping to reach Arnie. Buuut, he has to know who is most likely to answer the phone in the middle of the morning, and he reaches Sylvia instead. Thus it all makes sense. Don awkwardly tells Sylvia what he might be able to work out for Mitchell. Sylvia apologizes for being cold to Don, and tells him she was just "frustrated" with him. Hello? HE LOCKED YOU IN A HOTEL ROOM. Okay, Sylvia. Anyway. She's grateful. Really, really grateful. 

Julie and Sally get into the cab to go to the model UN, and that's where Julie tells Sally what she's done. Sally is like, "SHIT!" and books over to the apartment building, but she's forgotten her key again. She gets the keys from the doorman, and runs upstairs. She's relieved to find the letter still on the counter, but then she hears some...noises...and whispers...and THENOMGSHESEESDONHAVINGALLKINDSOFSEXWITHSYLVIAOMGOMGOMG. 

Sally runs out of the building and Don tries to chase after her, but she's already gotten into a cab. Later that night, the Rosens arrive and personally thank Don for all he's doing for Mitchell. Sally starts yelling about how she's disgusted with Don, and Don tries to mansplain why she caught him banging the neighbor chick, and Don tells her that Sylvia was upset and he was comforting her. Yes. That's what.  Yes he wanted to comfort her. With his penis. So, as if Sally weren't already going to be in therapy for the rest of her life, she's probably going to go from three sessions a week to four.

Bottom line, parents: Do not have or talk about having sex in front of your unfortunate offspring.

In sad, sad singleton news, Pete schleps home after a day of professional and personal humiliation and pours himself some cereal for dinner. We all knew that  Peggy was going to make some cat very happy one day, and she's taken in an orange tabby. D'awww. Ted's not going to be leaving his wife and family for her anytime soon, so sometimes it's just best to accept one's fate and get oneself a feline. 

Hope you enjoyed my ranting and raving. The recap of this past Sunday's episode to arrive posthaste. Ta!