Downton Abbey Part II - The Revenge of Auntie Mame

Hello again! Part II of Lady Gillian Ravescroft-Anderson's Downton Abbey recap, presented for your reading pleasure. 

Picking up from Part I, Branson shows up at Isobel’s after receiving a summons from m'lady to appear before her. Lady Violet is in the drawing room talking trash about Cora's mother. Lady Isobel says she likes it that Mrs. Levinson isn't overawed by the set-up at Downton. Lady Violet references Hyperion not being overawed by the Bourbons and I think that's our cue from Julian Fellowes to look this shit up on Google since we didn't all go to Eton. Branson apologizes for last night. It's all copacetic. Lady Violet and Lady Isobel are going to tailor one of Matthew's old morning coats to fit him. Branson refuses since a morning coat is the uniform of oppression. Yes.. Morning coat = chains. Branson's political views are really interesting, so sayeth the Dowager Lady V, but seriously. You look like shit. Now shut up and strip.

Outside Downton. Snazztastic red car pulls up in the drive and the music lets us know that it's an important guest. Cora's mother Shirley MacLaine has Auntie Mame’d her way across the Atlantic and arrived at Downton.

This is actually just how Shirley MacLaine spents her usual weekends remembering her most recent past life.

Mrs. Levinson (MacLaine) greets the girls. She reminds us that Sybil is pregnant, not chubby and that Edith’s life is a continuing narrative of He's Just Not that Into You. Then she tells Mary she's sure her wedding plans suck. Down in the servants' hall, we meet Mrs. Levinson's maid, Reed. Since Daisy's still on strike, it's up to the ladies' maids to get Mrs. Levinson her goat's milk and boiled water every day.

More after the jump!

In the drawing room, Mary explains to Grandmamma Levinson that Matthew is related to a distant line of the Crawleys, so it's an incestuous relationship, but not the really icky kind. Cora's mum is more than a little bit bitter that Matthew is inheriting her husband's money, unaware that Robert has already lost it all, so Matthew won't be getting any of it really.

Out in the hall, Mary asks Matthew what's happened to Mr. Polbrook and, predictably, he's presumed dead. Matthew is indifferent and tells Mary he won't keep the money even if he's the heir. Mary informs him that Lord Grantham has lost a lot of his money, but if Matthew inherits from Mr. Swire, there will be enough. Enough to save Downton and to keep Lady Mary from having to move into an estate with --- gasp– only twenty bedrooms. Cue Matthew and Mary almost breaking up – again.

I can't decide who is frustrating me more in this current Matthew/Mary conflict: Mary acting like a spoiled brat who uncharacteristically (for Mary) wants to spend the rest of her life at Downton, or Matthew's obnoxious piety.  I'm guessing at some point Mary will wear him down about the money and Downton will be saved until the stock market crashes in 1929 and they all fling themselves off the roof en masse. At least I hope that's how the show ends. Of course Matthew has to stop blaming himself for Lavinia's death and use the money to help his cousinwife. It's a no-brainer to a pragmatist like Mary, but guilt-ridden Matthew won't budge. FYI Matthew, Crawley heirs are a disposable lot, and once Mary squeezes out a boy, you are no longer that useful as a character. Just knowing that Dan Stevens is planning a move to New York to star in a Broadway show has me wondering if Matthew isn't going to be around for the green-lighted Season 4. 

Anna visits Bates in prison again and … yawn. There's really nowhere to go with this plotline except to somehow clear Bates and get him out of prison. We already know Who Done It (Vera set Bates up). Fellowes is trying to create tension by creating conflict between Bates and his cellmate but this isn’t Prison Break. Show us more rich people laughing at poor people!

In awkward dinner party news, Grandmamma Levinson walks up to Grandmamma Crawley and hugs her. Don't you need permission from the king to do that? They have a little catfight before going into dinner, as all families do. The topic of conversation at dinner this evening is speculation on who sent Sybil and Branson the money to travel to the wedding. Put off by such distasteful talk of money at the dinner table, Lady Violet reveals she is the one who sent the money. Mystery solved! Families should stick together! Love! Happiness! Annnnd cue Mary leaving the dinner table in tears.

Downstairs, Mrs. Patmore attempts to get Daisy, who is still on strike, to help with dinner while upstairs Robert offers to go talk to Matthew, but Branson insists that he should do it, since Matthew's his bro now and they're both in relationships with these uppity Crawley females. Up-upstairs, Anna advises Mary that she'd better get back together with Matthew like right this second because she's not going to find such a nice bloke ever again. So, unless she wants to end a spinster like Edith, she'd better hurry it up and get hitched.

Branson takes Mary over to Downton, and Mary and Matthew speak to each other through an opened door, since it's bad luck for him to see the bride before the potential wedding. Mary says she's not afraid of calling it off. Mary excels at calling off weddings. But Matthew's realized he can't be happy with anyone else as long as Mary is alive, and so they decide to put the inheritance issue aside so they can finally sleep together without causing a scandal be together. Mistress Mary Quite Contrary has developed quite a bit as a character from Season 1. She's gone from giving Turkish ambassadors a happy ending to being all virginal about kissing her prospective husband the night before the wedding.

Meanwhile, Daisy decides to dry the dishes. All is right with the world.

Next morning! Wedding! Everyone is still alive! Huzzah! Upstairs, Cora is having a rather belated sex talk with Mary. Edith gets in a final premarital passive-aggressive dig to the effect that Mary doesn't deserve all her good fortune etc. and it's off to the church! I'm fully waiting for someone to get killed on the way. Mary comes downstairs and shows her wedding finery to Her Two Dads – Robert and Carson. The rapt expression on Carson’s face is probably the most touching moment of the entire episode.

The moment? So special! The wedding dress? Eehhhh...

The guests arrive at the church. Cora promises Sybil that she's next, which is what you say to the unmarried sister at every wedding since the beginning of time. The peasantry cheers Kate Middleton Lady Mary as she is driven through the village in her coach. They can party today and go back to being poor tomorrow. No one dies en route to the church.

Well. Here we are Downton fans. Big hats. Big smiles. Even Edith isn't miserable today. Fade out. Fade in. I'm sure some fans will be mad that they skipped the vows, but I'm rather all right with it. Before we know it, the happy couple is back from France. They didn't die on the honeymoon and they haven't killed each other yet. Robert asks Matthew how things went. Matthew replies, "My eyes have been opened." Yes. Now I know what a spoiled harridan I'm married to. God help me.

Downstairs, Alfred has been promoted to waiting on Matthew. Thomas doesn't like that one little bit.

It's not Branson making things awkward at dinner tonight, but Lady Isobel. She announces she's helping out whores. Real live whores. Lady Violet makes it clear that We Are Not Amused, but Mrs. Levinson is quite all right with this new direction in Lady Isobel's life. Lady Isobel can be a rather annoying do-gooder, but I think this storyline has a lot of promise for her. Mrs. Levinson continues eating, quite oblivious to the whispered conversations and it's entirely possible given recent events that she, too, has been roofied. Mary makes a derogatory comment about Sir Anthony, and Lady Violet and Robert decide it's time to put an end to this Strallan nonsense. Robert doesn’t think it's Strallan's fault and wants to stop Edith from making a fool out of herself over a man old enough to be her father.

Mrs. Hughes asks to see Mrs. Patmore privately. Mrs. Hughes has discovered a lump on a breast and worries that she might have cancer. Mrs. Patmore agrees to go with her to see the doctor. Later, Dr. Clarkson tells Mrs. Hughes that he's sure it's nothing. Which is TV for, "I'm sure it's cancer."

In the ladies' drawing room, Mary and Lady Violet hatch a plan to attempt to get Mrs. Levinson – whom Lady Violet clearly despises – to use her considerable wealth to save Downton from the chopping block – again. Let's not forget that it was Cora's fortune that allowed Robert to keep Downton in the family.

Meanwhile at the Home for Women Who Have Lost Their Way, a familiar face appears. Why, yes, that's Ethel, the maid from Season 2 who was found en flagrante with one of the officers sent to Downton and later discovered she was pregnant with the officer's child. Things have obviously not gone well for her.

Lady Mary wants to know if there is any word from Swire's attorney. Judging from Matthew's downcast attitude, it's pretty apparent that he is the heir. Mary is happy, but Matthew still thinks it's stealing. Oh dear. Lavinia is dead as a door nail and she's still causing them problems.

Oh, all this fuss about being dressed for dinner. Just wear your jammies from now on. It's easier. Thomas gives Alfred some "help" with a stain on Matthew's tails. The "help" burns a hole in it. Matthew has to go down in his dinner jacket, which causes an uproar and nearly causes Alfred to lose his job. Ever up to her old downstairs highjinks, O'Brien later takes and hides Robert's dinner shirts, making Thomas look like a fool and forcing Robert to attend a dinner party in one of his every day shirts. We are all just turning in to Branson. We may as well join Sinn Fein.

From a literary perspective, is it even possible for there to be foe-yay between these two characters?

Down in the study, Robert tells Strallan he must not see Edith anymore, and Strallan agrees to stay away from her. To be fair to poor Edith, Strallan does appear to be hurt, and I think he genuinely does like Edith. Edith gets his letter saying as much the next morning at breakfast, and she runs off crying and stamping her feet like she's Mary or something.

Instead of Washing That Man Right Out of Her Hair, Lady Edith takes her sorrows to Shirley MacLaine Granny, a.k.a The Granny That Gets Shit Done. I don't really get Robert's objections to Sir Anthony here. Sure, he's older than dirt, but Robert's broke and a savvy peer would get his eligible daughters married into money stat before everyone finds out. Lady Mary may have gotten the hottest husband (and the one most likely to stumble into an inheritance), but Edith can rejoice in the fact that she at least got the man with the title and the ready cash. Shirley MacLaine tells Robert to face facts, and Robert reluctantly agrees to let Edith continue to stalk see Sir Anthony.

Meanwhile, at Lady Isobel's charity, Ethel wrestles up the courage to speak to Lady Isobel, but she backs away from making a request and leaves. Over at Dr. Clarkson's, Mrs. Hughes receives news that her test was inconclusive and the sample will have to be sent away to a lab where they can do more science to it to see if she has cancer.

It's party night again. Tonight, Lady Violet and Mary plan to show Downton on display, so Cora's mom will see the "point" of Downton and fork over some cash to save it. Robert's shirts are still missing. The stove, which has been smoking so much in the last few scenes that it's obvious that it will either burn dinner or burn the house down, finally gives out, and the guests have nothing to eat.

It's up to Mrs. Levinson to save the day! She tells the staff to get together whatever food they can and serve the guests as if they are having a picnic. What a brilliant plan! What American ingenuity. The party's a success! Oh, and she's not giving you any money, Mary. She can't touch the capital of her fortune. The whole point of Downton Abbey is that it portrays a world that doesn't – and probably can't – exist anymore. Mary is living in an age of the destruction of great estates like Downton Abbey and she may have to accept that, with no money coming in from any willing sources, Downton might have to be sold and she will have to be Countess of Grantham sans the estate.

Two moments in the last ten minutes or so stand out. Mrs. Hughes, who is one of my favorite characters on the show, finally breaks down into tears. Cancer is essentially a death sentence in 1920, and no Downton fans want to see the end of Mrs. Hughes. Strallan, who really does care for Edith after all, asks for her hand as awkwardly as possible and she accepts. 

The poor dears. They're "Hollywood ugly", you see.

Overall, this is a promising start to the third season of Downton Abbey. I feel like the show has gotten back to its roots and it's more like the show in Season 1 than Season 2. If season 1 seemed likeMitt Romney's Wet Dream, Season 2 was a tad too heavy on the melodrama. If the premiere is any indication of what's to come, Season 3 doesn't seem to be imbued with quite so much overwrought ridiculousness. Next week's episode should shore things up a bit more as we'll see what Matthew intends to do with Swire's money. 

Secret Boyfriend of the Week: Deputy Marshal

Two words: Timothy. Olyphant.

Justified returned for its fourth season this past Tuesday. Sure, it's got great acting, great writing, interesting mysteries and plot twists...but let's be honest. The big draw is Timothy Olyphant. Or as I like to call him, Timothy "tall, cool drink of water" Olyphant.

Season 4 promotional shot. RAWR.

It may not be considered progressive, it may not be considered politically correct, but give me a man in a hat, boots, and gun and I'll give you a big "hell yes!" It also doesn't hurt that Timothy has a penchant for playing major badasses. You might recognize him as the stalwart lawman on Deadwood or the bad guy in Die Hard 4, but Raylan Givens on Justified is the character that he was born to play.

Relax: he only shoots assholes. Of course that means like half the population of Kentucky better watch their backs. 

There's not really much else to say here. Justified is one of the best dramas out there right now, and Timothy Olyphant has the "strong, silent type" award pretty much sewn up. If you haven't seen Justified yet (and how many times do I need to sing the praises of this show before you watch it??), I suggest starting with the first season. Good news though: it looks like the fourth season is structured so new viewers can jump right in.

Justified airs Tuesdays on FX at 10pm.

Is It Just My New Plasma TV, or Was Everyone on This Show Always So Pasty?

Hello, Gentle Readers! Following up on Maggie Cats' review of the first episode of Downton Abbey Season 3, new guest blogger Lady Gillian Ravenscroft-Anderson has agreed to provide a full recap! Of course, a regular episode of Downton Abbey is hard enough to recap given the sheer number of scenes (seriously, can Julian Fellowes write more than five lines of dialogue at a time?), so we've broken the two-hour dramafest into two posts for your convenience. Take it away, Lady Gillian...

Downton Abbey is back and with it so many questions. Will Downton continue to survive as a grand estate? Will Matthew and Mary finally get married? Will Lady Edith continue to throw herself at an old one-armed cootfind a husband? Which parlor maid will turn out to be a whore this season? Don't touch that dial! I've got a pot of coffee, a pile of blankets, and two hours of Anglophilia on my DVR. It's dark and I'm wearing sunglasses. I've got a lot of ground to cover here, so let's get started, shall we?

The cast of Upstairs, Downstairs takes the stage...

It's spring of 1920. There are fewer young men around to marry your pushing-30 daughters off to. We have less money, fewer maids and fewer footmen. The times they are a-changin'.The Crawleys of the Grantham estate have survived WWI more or less unscathed. Sir Julian Fellowes has run out of plot devices to keep Matthew (Dan Stevens) and Mary (Michelle Dockery) apart, so after well-nigh ten years of ostensible courtship, they are on track to get hitched.

Much more after the jump!

Lady Sybil (Jessica Brown-Findlay) isn't coming to the wedding because she and Tom Branson (Allen Leech) don't have the money, and both working to make ends meet. Robert (Hugh Bonneville) doesn't want Branson at the wedding due the scandalous nature of Sybil's misalliance. However, Matthew's mother Lady Isobel Crawley (Penelope Wilton), who is a bit of an overly earnest pest at the best of times, has the presence of mind to insist no one cares. Lady Sybil has run off with the chauffeur, and everyone really ought to get over it. It is 1920, after all.

Meanwhile, downstairs, there is treacle tart! In Anna and Bates news, Anna (Joanne Froggatt) is back from London after taking care of her husband's business affairs, since Bates can't deal with his dead wife Vera's estate as he's, you know, in prison for her murder. 

As we are all in uproar due to the Royal Wedding, Carson is in need of a new footman and O'Brien recommends Carson hire her nephew Alfred. We're starting to see a different O'Brien emerge from the scheming lady's maid of Season 1. After having caused Lady Grantham to miscarry  and then guilt-nursing her through a bout of Spanish flu, O'Brien's had a change of heart and amended her Super Bitch ways, but rest assured, Downtonfans, the gay guy is still evil. Thomas, who has finally achieved his lofty ambition of becoming Lord Grantham's valet, makes a few snarky remarks about Bates, and Carson basically tells him to STFU or GTFO. We all know Carson would prefer the latter, and I must say Thomas's attitude is getting a little old.

Enter O'Brien's nephew, looking like he wandered out of a Weasley family reunion . He shows up in his Hogwarts uniform (Gryffindor, j'accord) and is informed he's too tall to be a footman (he's all of 6'1"). Carson lets them all know he's there on a trial basis, so we all know Thomas is going to try to get him fired. 

Oh Thomas. You beautiful, beautiful fool...

Matthew and Mary take a romantic walk on a lovely overcast English day and exchange some sexy time talk, and Matthew expresses reservations about moving into Downton Abbey. He feels like they should have time after the marriage to get to know each other. Seems like they should get to know each other before the marriage, but they've wanted to bang each other since 1912, so I suppose it's a bit of a stretch to make them wait any longer. Matthew says he's not sure how he'll feel about taking Mary to bed with her father watching. Is he currently taking her to bed with someone else watching? Carson, perhaps? Is the dowager Lady Violet peeking at them through her opera glasses?

Lord Grantham is in London and is informed that he is broke. Robert has spent most of Cora's fortune on a bad investment in a Canadian rail line. Next time, invest in a hockey team. It seems a tad out of character for Grantham to invest so much of his fortune in this kind of scheme, and to do it against the recommendations of his financial adviser makes it even less believable. He tries to justify it by saying he intended for it to pay off, but it all seems too reckless for Robert. Robert's adviser suggests that he sell Downton, but Grantham argues that the function of the estate is to be an employer and he wouldn't dream of such a thing.

Lady Edith is wandering about the local village and up drives her awkward pseudo-beau Sir Anthony Strallan. She has nothing much to do, and he has nothing much to do and, recognizing this fact, Lady Edith reissues an invitation to the wedding, obviously hoping that one day she can drag Sir Anthony down the aisle one day enjoy the vicissitudes of wedded bliss herself.

Over at Matthew's digs, butler/valet/sadsack extraordinaire Moseley learns Matthew isn't taking him with him to Downton Abbey after the marriage. Matthew never wanted a valet and only took Moseley on at Lord Grantham's insistence in Season 2. Moseley realizes that it is likely that he will be sacked. At least Matthew can rest assured that Moseley isn't someone like Thomas or the Season 1 era O'Brien, otherwise he'd find himself with a bar of soap under his bathtub. Or someone would steal his dog.

Meanwhile downstairs at Downton, widowed reluctant war bride/kitchen maid Daisy is annoyed because the Crawleys aren't hiring any more staff. She was promised a promotion to Mrs. Patmore's assistant, and they were going to hire a new kitchen maid. Thomas, unable to get into any mischief anywhere else in the house, convinces Daisy to go on strike. Daisy has been forever smitten with Thomas, and so she takes his advice.

I vow to dismantle this institution of oppression BOARD BY BOARD!

Matthew's been contacted by his dead fiancé's father's lawyer. Mary wonders if Mr. Swire has left Matthew anything and Matthew is sure that he hasn't. Matthew asks Mary if she's looking forward to the wedding and she wonders if he is as well. Matthew tells her he's looking forward to some sexy time, but then his mood-killer's mother's voice comes reverberating through the hall, and Matthew takes his blue balls and his dear mama home.

It's Branson and Lady Sybil! As if she hasn't shocked us all enough with her politics and choice of marriage partner, Lady Sybil is the first of the Downton girls to bob her hair. Quelle horreur! Someone sent them money so they could attend the wedding, but we all know it wasn't Robert's broke ass, so their mysterious benefactor's identity remains hidden.  Cue organ music.

No one knows how to treat poor Branson, and Branson is quite out of his depths with the fashionable set. Thankfully, Lady Cora Grantham (the always impeccable Elizabeth McGovern) takes the lead in welcoming Branson into the family. Lady Mary, who seems to really want her mother's job, follows suit. Carson is clearly resentful of Branson, and doesn't at all forgive him for overstepping the clearly delineated class lines. In Carson's world, if you're born a poor mick, you die a poor mick and that's that.. But as we are beaten over the head with continually reminded in this episode, the world is changing fast.

As to the late  Lavinia, it is a truth universally acknowledged that a dying man in possession of a large fortune must be in want of an heir. Dear old Reggie Swire named Matthew as an heir to his money before he kicked off.. How much money? Probably enough to save Downton. Plot point!

Downstairs, neither Carson nor Thomas will let Mrs. Hughes, the housekeeper, assign them as valet to Branson. Mrs. Hughes decides she must assign Alfred to the job. Carson feels Alfred can't handle it, but what does he care, since Branson is only a chauffeur? I realize it's fashionable to be meta in these modern times, Carson, but make up your damn mind.

In awkward dinner party news, what is actually more of an horreur than the French bob infecting England like some sort of short-haired plague, is Robert being catty to Branson because he doesn't have the right set of clothes for dinner. Mary's suggestion is that Sybil and Branson should buy a Downton wardrobe, unaware that they likely can't afford it (and neither can Mary, really). Branson insists that he's not going to turn into someone else just to please them, and Lady Violet (THAT'S DAME MAGGIE SMITH TO YOU, PEASANT) says, "More's the pity." This is a cue for Lady Isobel to disagree with Lady Violet and interject with some of her adorable support of the working classes. Bless her heart.

Matthew decides to change the subject to something less charged, like Irish independence. Branson equates Irish home rule on English terms to England being ruled by the Kaiser, and Carson becomes so upset he breaks a spoon.  Those pesky Irish. If they aren't starving during a famine, they're agitating for independence and running off with your youngest and hottest daughter. Upon my word.Lady Cora tries to rescue the evening by talking about Irish gardens, and Lady Edith chimes in, reminding everyone about Lady Whoositwhatsit Tiddlybopp-Doodlefart's garden party, which only serves to make Sybil uncomfortable, remembering her former life. Do these people suck at small talk or what? Tell us again about the cholera outbreak in Paris, Granny. The staff is sitting around eating dinner and Carson is trashing Branson. Branson comes in, well-meaning lad though he is, but knows he's no longer welcome in the staff kitchen and leaves about as soon as he came.

After dinner, the Crawleys decide Branson needs to call his in-laws something that doesn't sound stiff or grand, and Cora and Robert decide on Lord and Lady Grantham, and Sybil responds that it doesn't sounds stiff or grand at all. :Snicker: On the up side, Sybil seems genuinely happy with Branson. Mary promises to accept Branson into the family, and tells Sybil that the Grey family is coming to their dinner tomorrow night, including some chap named Larry, who apparently at one time had the hots for Sybil at some indiscriminate point in the past.

Mary wants to know what will happen to the Swire money if they can't find Polbrook, and it's pretty plain that she's keen to go swimming in the Swire money vault. Matthew insists that he can't keep the money due to some sort of chivalric loyalty to Lavinia, whom he still thinks he inadvertently killed.

Over in Cora and Robert's room, Cora wants to know why Robert was so foolish to invest all his money in one place. He confesses that he's lost almost all of her fortune, but Cora reassures him. It's good she doesn't know that Robert nearly banged a maid.

The next day, Branson feels like he needs to move into the pub until the wedding is over, since he can't take any more Crawley family dinners. Matthew shows he's a good sport and encourages him to stay at the house, and Matthew and Branson start a bromance.

Bates is still in prison and prison still sucks. Anna's convinced Vera committed suicide because Anna doesn't think a thief broke in, cooked Vera an arsenic pie and forced her to eat it. After all, arsenic pies don't kill people, homicidal pastry chefs do.

How long have we spent on this plotline? Only five minutes so far? Oh...

The Crawleys are having yet another dinner and Edith is hoping the unobservant Sir Anthony will notice her Marcelle wave. Edith believes she could be at least as happy with Sir Anthony as Anna is with her imprisoned husband. Way to set standards for yourself, Lady Edith. You modern woman, you.

In the hallway, O'Brien asks Thomas to help Alfred make the leap from footman to valet. Thomas refuses, expressing bitterness over his difficulties getting a valet position himself. He walks away and the wheels in O'Brien's head start turning. She may not be scheming to keep her position in the house, but O'Brien is still the same old O'Brien and I doubt she'll let Thomas stop her from helping Alfred rise to such exalted heights as valetry.

Fast music! Cars arriving! It's time to par-tay! Pan to Branson in conversation with Sir Larry Grey who looks like Rupert Everett and Alan Cumming had a love child and said offspring got his ears caught in a mechanical rice picker. Unsurprisingly, Lady Sybil wasn't ever into Larry the Penguin, so jealous that Branson is now married to Sybil, Larry decides to bully him. Like all Twilight fans tweener girls, Larry makes fun of Branson's clothes, or really his lack of a snazzy set of tails. Even though all Branson has to wear is that really awful brown tweedy number, he has packed his manners, thank you very much and he walks away avec dignite. But hark! Sir Larry has put Something in Branson's drink. I'm really not sure what chemical compound there could have been in 1920 that could cause someone to act drunk aside from, well, alcohol. Sir Anthony, the old dear, noticed something awry during cocktail hour and alerts the family that someone is clearly trying to date rape Branson. This endears him to Lady Edith all the more. So Branson might be poisoned, but Sir Larry may very well have invented the world's first roofie. In spite of Branson's GHB-fueled outburst, Matthew decides he wants Branson to be his best man, and Branson agrees.

Skip ahead a couple scenes to Mary trying on her trousseau. Mary is still spending money like it's going out of style, so Robert decides this would be a good time to let her know that the money is (gasp) gone. 

To be continued in Part II...

Abbey Roads

This post discusses the Season 3 premiere of Downton Abbey. Spoilers below!

As I sit here trying to formulate my thoughts for this blog post, two things have occurred to me. First, why the hell am I sitting here watching The Green Lantern on HBO? I mean this movie is terrible. And second, why is this picture of the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey as a cat so hilarious?

I mean, come on. How amazing is this? Link with more pictures here, courtesy of Etsy. 

But enough procrastinating! The tv event of the winter occurred just a few days ago and things need to be said. And no, I am not talking about the playoff game where the Redskins got their ass handed to them (they started losing as soon as I started watching, natch)...but I am referring to the return of Downton Abbey Sunday night on PBS!

It's been almost a year since those wacky Brits were last on our television and the wait has been pure torture. Would Mary and Matthew actually get married? Would the show-down between Maggie Smith and Shirley Maclaine be epic? Would I give two shits about poor Mr. Bates sitting in jail? The answer to these questions are, in order, yes, eh, and nope.

But don't think I'm disappointed--this first episode was a return to form for the series which I think we can all admit stumbled a bit in its sophomore season. Old characters returned (Sybil and Branson!), new characters are introduced (Alfred the giant footman), the estate is in financial trouble again, Matthew and Mary FINALLY get married, Mrs. Hughes might have cancer (OMG), and of course, Cora's Mom played by Shirley Maclaine joined the cast. There were way too many plot points introduced in the two hour premiere to get into here, but for the most part, everything chugged right along with that kind of soapy, speedy, yet classy way that Downton is famous for. Except for the Bates stuff--I'm sorry I just don't care anymore. Everytime they cut to him in prison I eye-rolled.

Because bullet points are the way I roll, here are some other thoughts:

--I'm sorry, but I don't buy Matthew not taking that money and immediately sinking it into Downton. In the show's timeline it's been 8 years of him coming to the love the place as his own, and I cannot BELIEVE that he would for one minute let it be sold. Maybe in Season 1--no way in Season 3.

--Who ever thought Branson would be the voice of reason? Loved his character stuff, and Sir Anthony calling out the dude who drugged him.

--Mary's wedding dress = underwhelming. It was a beautiful white sack, but still a sack.

--Who thought letting Robert make financial decisions was a good idea? We all know Cora should be running that place. Glad to see he is over his stupid mid-life crisis thing though. When he told Cora, "thank god for you," I was glad he had moved on. But seriously. I wouldn't let him balance my checkbook much less run an estate.

--For a second there I was worried that they had dropped the whole Sybil is pregnant thing. But American Grandma made a reference to it.

--OMG BATES I DON'T CARE. Sorry--but it's the truth. Wouldn't it be awesome if he actually was a murderer?

--Thomas vs. O'Brien and I LOVE IT. I want more and I want them to go all Thunderdome on each other. This is seriously my favorite plot development.

--You go, Edith. Get what you want, girl. I loved her line about how all the young men she grew up with are dead. Don't forget, this is a post WWI world. Edith is going to be this season's truth-teller. Girl does not give a flying shit anymore and it's awesome. She is a Dowager Countess in training for reals.

--Is it just me or does Alfred the new footman look like he could be Eddie Redmayne's younger brother?

--The Maggie vs. Shirley showdown was ho-hum. I thought they should have let Maggie go all vicious on her, but instead Shirley got all the digs. I was also expecting more than just being constantly hit over the head with the "British people are slaves to tradition and Americans have no respect for it" cliche.

--and I almost forgot, MOSLEY! He might actually be my favorite. All he wants to do is help. LET HIM HELP YOU, MATTHEW.

There's still tons more to say, but my fingers are getting tired. So I'll just leave you with this: Downton Abbey's ratings DOUBLED from last year. I know Brits have a tendency to cancel things after a couple years, but come on guys. You should milk this cow for all it's worth.

Merlin Premiere Recap

Three years have past since Arthur defeated his half-sister Morgana and proved he was the rightful King of Camelot. Life in the kingdom has been peaceful, until Gawain and Percival (along with a contingent of knights) disappear on a mission to the North. We find that they have run afoul of Morgana, who has occupied Fortress Ismere and is searching from a mysterious artifact - a key to all knowledge. She puts the knights to work, digging through the caverns beneath the fortress in search of the artifact.

Did I mention they were shirtless? Huzzah for fangirl service! 

Arthur leads the rescue mission, taking Guinevere's suggestion to approach Ismere from the West in order to take Morgana by surprise. On the way they come across some villagers slaughtered by Morgana's troops - including a dying druid seer, who tells Merlin of Arthur's fate to be killed by a familiar-looking young man in the midst of a great battle. Merlin is terrified by this prophecy, and consults with the great dragon Kilgharrah to see how he can advert it - but Kilgharrah is not able to tell Merlin what he must do.

K: "Need me to destroy your enemies by breathing on them?" 

M: "Nah, I'll stick with the whole 'running for my life' thing I got going." 

However! It seems that Guinevere's maid is a traitor - she spills the plan to her father, Ruadan, a sorcerer who is in league with Morgana. Arthur's troops are ambushed and Ruadan knocks Arthur out cold. Merlin, fearing for Arthur's life ever since he heart the prophecy, drags Arthur away and the rest of the knights are captured. Meanwhile, in the caverns beneath Fortress Ismere, Gawain follows a mysterious light and meets with a strange magical creature - could it have something to do with the artifact Morgana seeks? Back in Camelot, Guinevere discovers her maid's betrayal and sentences her to death.

DAMN. Queenie don't play. 

Merlin tries to get Arthur to head back to Camelot, but he won't abandon his men. Neither will Merlin abandon Arthur - and so, in the end, they are both captured by Morgana's troops. And who should be with them but Arthur's bane, who identifies himself as Mordred. Dun dun DUNNN!

Some huddling for warmth may have happened. But what happens in the forest STAYS in the forest. 

Recapping AHS – The Electric Shock Therapy Kool-Aid Acid Test

Picking up right where we left off a few weeks ago, Arden is reviving Kit from his chemically induced “death”. Kit wants to know if it was worth it, but Arden says nothing happened. Of course, actually Arden has secreted Grace and Pepper away in his lab. Arden observes that Grace has completely healed from her gunshot and that Pepper is no longer microcephalic. Arden debates using X-rays or even an emergency C-section to find out what exactly is growing inside Grace, but when he brings the scalpel out he is thrown across the room. Pepper tells him that the aliens are protecting Grace, and they’re laughing at Arden and if Arden steps out of line, they'll turn those lobotomy practices back on him.

Pepper FTW!

Act I! Sister Eunice is tending a wounded Monsignor, who survived his encounter on the crucifix but not before the Angel told him that it wasn’t his time yet because the Devil has taken Eunice and it’s Monsignor’s job to cast him out. Eunice leaves Arden to his thoughts and goes to the common room to oversee the installation of a new jukebox. Jude says that Eunice only brought it in to taunt her, but Eunice corrects her, saying no, here’s the taunting part and then cues up Screamin’ Jay Hawkins’ “I Put a Spell on You” and dedicates it to Jude. Lana and Kit are taken aback when Thredson suddenly Don Drapers his way into the common room. Sister Eunice apparently offered him a full-time position after freeing him from that closet and so now the healing can begin again! Later that night, Eunice orders a search of the women’s ward and “discovers” a cucumber in Jude’s room. Eunice refers to this as “awkward given our past relationship” but she can’t have Jude picking up any tricks from Shelly so something has to be done – to the electroshock therapy room! Eunice and Arden strap Jude down and hook her up to the machine. Arden tells Eunice to throw the switch, but go no higher than 50%. Eunice opts for 80%, crediting Jude for being a tough cookie. The lights flicker and Jude screams.

Act II! Eunice is back with Monsignor, unwrapping the bandages on his feet and hands and calling him a saint for trying to help Leigh Emerson, who has gone missing. Monsignor tries to shove his rosary onto Eunice to expel the demon, but it really doesn’t take. Eunice laughs it off, recites a dirty limerick about priestly anatomy and jumps on Monsignor, stripping off her habit and literally getting into his pants. He begs her not to, but it’s not like this show isn’t going to take an opportunity for another rape scene, so you can guess what happens. As Monsignor struggles, Eunice notices Arden is watching. Just to be clear, this is a scene about a nun possessed by the devil raping a priest while a Nazi watches. Oh to be a fly on the wall in the writers’ room when this one came up. In the common room, Jude is not in a good way. The electroshock wasn’t kind to her and she’s unable to speak or move clearly. Lana approaches her, trying to help and asking if she knows who Lana is or even knows her own name. Jude pauses at the question, noticing that “The Name Game” is a song that is available on the jukebox. And then, I swear to God, this happens: 

dafuq???

Yup, that is a high-contrast dance number where Jude hallucinates singing in a glam dress while the inmates and the nuns launch into a choreographed routine. If you ever had any doubt that this is from the same people who brought you Glee…Anyway, in the woods, Arden is carting out the usual viscera to feed the zombie inmates when Eunice coquettishly interrupts him while sucking on a lollipop and asking about the feasibility of performing a lobotomy on Jude. Arden is acting glum and Eunice laughs, telling Arden that Monsignor “didn’t mean anything to me.” The zombies approach for their feeding and Arden WTF shoots each of them in the head, announcing that “the experiment is over.” Ah, zombie inmates. We hardly knew ye. Arden brings the gun to his own temple, but can’t do it, collapsing on the ground and sobbing to Eunice, “you have no idea what it means to have lost you.” Eunice almost looks like she’s going to have an actual human emotion before uttering that Arden is pitiful and walking away.

Act III! Jude is in the kitchen, trying to knead a lump of bread when Monsignor approaches asking for her counsel, saying she always had a clarity about her, although obviously that’s not so much right now. Monsignor confesses that she was right, Eunice is TOTES possessed and that Eunice has taken his virtue and what she he do? “Kill her,” Jude manages. Thredson, meanwhile, is going through Arden’s lab when he hears Grace screaming. He finds her giving birth with Pepper attending and announcing the baby is crowning. Upstairs, Monsignor prays for strength when Eunice finds him and asks if he’s ready for round two. Eunice taunts Monsignor again, going between sexually objectifying him and asking how he’s planning on killing her, perhaps using the statue of St. Francis? Although that would be “ironic.” Monsignor follows Eunice out onto a balcony, trying one last time to expel the demon but he is pushed against the railing by Eunice for his trouble. The demon screams from insider her that it will devour her and then, for a moment, the real Sister Eunice surfaces, sobbing and saying that she’s tired and wants to let go. Monsignor uses the opportunity to push Eunice off the balcony and she plummets to the ground like a true fallen angel. Broken and laying in her own blood several floors down, Eunice sees the Angel. “Take me,” Eunice asks. “I’ll take you both,” the Angel replies and kisses her.

Have I made a flying nun joke yet this season?

Act IV! Monsignor is delivering Last Rights when Arden asks to have her body cremated. Despite the Catholic prohibition against it, Monsignor reluctantly agrees. Thredson has had Kit brought to him. Kit saying nothing will make him tell Thredson where the tape is. Thredson calls his bluff by showing him Grace, holding what she claims is their son. Cut to Thredson ransacking the hydrotherapy room looking for the tape, but Lana has beaten him to the punch and confesses that she has already re-hidden it and if Thredson does anything to Kit, she’ll find a way to get the tape to the police. In the common room, Jude is attempting to remember the names of the inmates when Mother Superior arrives. Jude wants to tell Mother Superior goodbye, Jude is going to Rome with Monsignor to get married in the Vatican and then be Pope together and btw, Eunice totally sexed up Monsignor because the devil was jealous. In between the crazy rambling, Jude manages to ask Mother Superior to help get Lana out of Briarcliff. In the crematorium, Arden loads Eunice’s body onto a gurney and prepares to send it into the oven. As her body slowly starts to enter the fires, Arden climbs on top of her, going into the oven with her. The door to the oven closes and Arden screams in pain. An ironic death for a Nazi, to be sure.

Next week! Jude regains some clarity. 

New Year, same old crap.

Happy New Year, gentle readers! I hope you had a fun and safe New Years Eve and are ready for 2013. Because ready or not it's here, so strap on your seat belts and let's get ready for a new year of entertainment!

....except there isn't much happening right now. We're still in winter hiatus which means TV right over the holidays was pretty lame. The lone bright stop on the horizon is the return of Downton Abbey on PBS on Sunday (check local listings), but other than that I've been relying on my Netflix instant queue.

Sidenote: did you know that The West Wing is now available for instant watch? According to Facebook, a lot of my friends are just now discovering the show or the first time. My response to this is "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, PEOPLE?"

But until our beloved shows return with new content, I'm spending my time catching up on Gossip Girl and only a few episodes until I reach the end of the series (which only aired a few months ago). This show has a remarkable ability to make me feel simultaneously terrible about my life--why don't I have all these elaborate schemes and romantic entanglements??--and also awesome about my life--thank GOD I don't have all these elaborate schemes and romantic entanglements.

I hope you all are ready to get back in the swing of things and Happy New Year! Good luck remembering to write 2013 on all your checks.