Quick and Dirty

I've been trying out a lot of random shows lately with varying results. Let's try something new where I just shout out my initial thoughts about this motley collection.

Backstrom:Dwight from The Office tries to be House. He's not House. I lasted all of two minutes before I was offended by this excremental show. 

Next!

Call the Midwife: BIRTH CONTROL. Seriously, you will not let any man near your lady parts after watching this show.  

Next!

Glee: It's the Final Season! They're all back at McKinley! Who cares?!

Next!

Grantchester: He's a hot vicar who solves murders. Too bad it's totally boring.

Next!

Z Nation: Still way better and more fun than The Walking Dead. 

Next!

Black Sails: Completely nonsensical and impossible to follow.

And finally....

Marco Polo: Everyone is more interesting than the main character, but at least he's cute. Oh, and the show is actually pretty good if you're into thirteenth century Mongol politics. AND WHO ISN'T.

Maggie Cats OUT.

The Plot So Nice They Used It Twice

Anybody want to go on a Viking River Cruise? 

No? Okay then.

Kids, mama is facepalming hard over here.

So, last week's episode started off with Anna and Mrs. Hughes cleaning out the hot (literally) mess that Edith made when she tried to burn down Downton (accident, my ass). Anna finds the baby photo. She gives it to Mrs. Hughes. Edith, Mrs. Hughes IS SO ON TO YOU.

In rich white people news, the war memorial committee wants to build a war memorial. They want to do this on Robert's beloved cricket ground. Robert once again proves he Doesn't Get It. What do you think, Tom? Never mind, you're Irish and poor.

"Don't mind the nice man in the sunglasses, Tom. He's only here to erase your memory."

Jimmy is still fired for sleeping with Caroline Bingley. I'm sure he'll be back, though.

Thomas is sad that Jimmy is leaving. This is one of the few times when Thomas seems human. Yes, more of that and less of the puerile scheming. 

At breffie, Charles Blake is coming back to Downton, because he has a friend who wants to look at their della Francescas. Mary is a bit bummed because she's already promised Lord GingerAle that she will spend the weekend being his booty call. 

Rose is collecting evening gowns for Russian aristocratic refugees who have fled the Bolsheviks. She also wants a wireless. 

Escandelo!

Over at the cottage, Edith is still trying to get her baby back. Unfortunately, her child's adoptive mother does not want to give her up, since Edith's life is just the worst. 

Lord Merton is FRISKING AROUND Isobel's skirts. 

"Then Lord Merton invited me to go to Cleveland with him on a steamer. I've never been to Ohio."

Mary has to be certain that there aren't any Consequences to her weekend activities, so she straight up asks Anna to go into the village and buy some Plan B. 

I am super excited about Rose's Russian refugees and wireless.

Thomas, who is horrible, decides to go ahead and tell Molesley that his lady friend Baxter is a thief. Thomas is still trying to get Baxter to snitch on Bates, so can...I don't know...

Edith tells Robert and Cora that she wants to *cough* take an interest in a little orphan girl who is living at the Drews'. They suspect nothing because, I mean, Edith ain't getting any younger. 

Anna goes into the apothecary's to get some unmentionables for Mary and the scene proceeds with all the subtlety of an after-school special. The judgey lady pharmacist asks Anna personal questions and judges her, and this immediately turns Anna into a birth control crusader. 

Daisy is coming along quite nicely with Miss Bunting tutoring her in math (Maggie and I totally called that) , although Miss Bunting is still a Commie who also mouths off at dinner. She is TOLERATED at Downton.  Anyway, Tom clearly has his hands full.

#Gangsta

Molesley is quite convinced that Baxter would not have stolen from her former mistress. but Baxter won't tell him the whole story. Because nobody tells anyone anything on this show. They just perpetually spy and eavesdrop on each other. That is easier. 

Mary tells her parents that she is hanging out with one of her aristocratic friends while she is really with Lord Gallagher (what is she? fifteen?), but she misses out on getting to spend more time with Charles Blake (!!!!) and his art collector friend, who is 1) Totally Richard E. Grant and 2) Totally hitting on Cora. I have no idea why either of these things are happening, but they are happening simultaneously.

Mary goes to meat LordGingerSnap at the hotel in London where he has booked adjoining rooms (boom chicka waka). This is a bad idea on many levels. 

LG: You may think I'm after your money. Think again. What really interests me is your sweet, sweet aspidistra. 

LM: My aspidistra?

LG: Yes, I'm an amateur botanist. The Downton aspidistra is...quite rare."

And did I mention Charles Blake? 

How YOU doin'?

I rest my case. 

Rose gets her wireless, and they all gather to listen to the king give a speech, and the Empire remains solid, and you think that all is right with the world and THEN...

A constable from London randomly shows up at Downton to say that a "witness" has come forward and wants to talk to Carson about rapey valet Green's stay at Downton. LIKE WHO CARES? I thought we all agreed that we did not care.  Green raped Anna, he ran into a bus, and he died. End of story.

Are we REALLY going to do this plot again? The plot where Bates gets arrested for a murder he may or may not have committed, but we all agree it doesn't really matter because the victim was a horrible human being. Whyyyyyy? Is the twist this time that Bates is going to get convicted and executed? And then what will happen to Anna? Will she become a family planning crusader? 

What witness comes forward two years after the fact? And why would the coppers take it seriously? Lord Gallifrey certainly has a new valet by now, so I am going to call Green's death a net gain for our fair city. The only thing that would make it even remotely interesting this time is if Anna got accused. Girl already won a Golden Globe for being a rape victim. Let's see if accused murderer works out for her as well. But seriously. Get some new material, or call it a day.

I didn't do it, but if I'd done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong? PopSixSquishUhuhCiceroLipshitz

The White Queen

Starz has been making quite a name for itself with original programming lately. The channel first caught my eye with Spartacus, which I love, though it didn't impress me with it's take on Camelot (but I am thinking about revisiting that one on DVD).

I heard some good things about the limited run series, The White Queen, and decided to give it a try on Netflix. It initially aired in the BBC and on Starz last year. And it was....alright? I guess? I'm a big Tudor history fan, but was honestly a bit disappointed.

Before we get into the nitty gritty of the series, how about some background and a brief history lesson, mmkay? The White Queen is set during The War of the Roses, circa 1460s, when the great English houses York and Lancaster vied for the throne. When the series opens, Edward IV of House York is King...and he falls for Elizabeth Woodville, a widow of House Lancaster. Whoops! Not a good idea to marry a member of your enemy's house. Edward is kind of a bastard, but Elizabeth (and more so her mother) ain't no fools, and they see that banging the King is a pretty good way to get some serious power and property. So they're down with going to bat for the Yorks. A girl's gotta do and all that rot.

So, Elizabeth is the White Queen in this scenario--because the symbol of House York is a white rose. Got it? The problem with all this history is also a problem with the show. It's SUPER complicated. Everyone is related to everyone else (thanks, inbreeding!), but people constantly change sides in the war and everyone is a pasty white person so it's kind of hard to keep things straight in your head. I spent a good 4 episodes trying to figure out who certain characters were and where they stood in the game of thrones (see what I did there?).

Comparisons to the other medieval dramas on premium cable are inevitable. So let's just get right into it. Unlike Game of Thrones, The White Queen doesn't handle the complicated plots and shifting loyalties of its characters particularly well. Starz tried to make things a bit more mysterious by implying that Elizabeth, her Mom, and her daughters have some witchy abilities, but it never really committed to that idea one or the other. Basically, The White Queen doesn't go far enough with the politics, fantasy, or battle scenes to be as awesome as Game of Thrones, nor does it have the sexiness to pull off being a guilty pleasure like The Tudors. It's kind of stuck in the middle, mired in mediocrity.

Ok, that last point might have been a bit harsh, but at the end of the day, I can tell you The White Queen didn't do a great job holding my attention, and the narrative was split between too many potential queens to tell a cohesive story. I wasn't really rooting for any of the characters to succeed (even though I knew how things eventually turned out), though ostensibly Elizabeth should be the center of the story and the "heroine."

Still, I stuck with it until the end which means I must have found some of it intriguing. It's also a welcome change to see several women featured at the center of story and to drive the action through their choices and machinations. I think what was really lacking was a character who was smart enough to effectively manipulate the situations and people. There was a lot of reaction and not a lot of actual action.

In sum, if medieval dramas are your thing, stick with the shows that have done it better and give The White Queen a pass. Now we just need to see how DaVinci's Demons and Black Sails shake out...

You Lost Me at "Kitsune"

SORRY about the horrible delay in getting the Lost Girl finale recap posted. I know you've all moved on to Orphan Black by now (and if you haven't, you should do so posthaste). But, OMG but you guys! You guys!! You. Guys. Lost Girl has been picked up by Syfy for another season, and it will return in 2014!!!

So, let's get down to it.  Lost Girl has baffled me for most of this season. Bo nearly devolved into Under Fae and then she went through The Dawning, which on the whole, was rather underwhelming. Dyson volunteered to go in as her second and then he died but then Bo sucked out some chi from the Scooby Gang and gave it to Dyson and then he was no longer dead. Then Bo and Kenzi defeated a group of suburban moms who decided to be witches in addition to their weekly book club and yoga meetings (I just assumed witchcraft is common among suburbanite ladies). Before that, the Scooby Gang ran into a sorority full of Japanese fox demons. It turned out that that nasty rash Kenzi picked up at The Norn's digs allowed her kitsune twin to kidnap her and turn her into a rabid, snarling bitch. Then she got Bo locked in a cage. Then she tried to rape Dyson.

I'm Naruto??

Kenzi hasn't been around much most of this season and in the final two episodes, some totally racist Death Eater level Faes make it uber clear to Kenz that she's not wanted in the Fae world because she's human. It's like the writers all decided that Kenzi was more interesting and less whiny than Bo's girlfriend Lauren and so they pushed her to the side. For that matter, most of the interesting supporting characters are MIA this season. Kenzi hasn't been around that much; Vex, who is hilarious, has shown up about twice (and he went completely batshit and not in a fun way) and even The Morrigan has only been in two or three episodes. Dyson's former police partner Hale, who was elected Acting Ash,  has also been relegated to a minor role. Who did we get instead? The snoozefest that is Lauren. She left Fae-town a few episodes ago but you knew she would be back because she left in company with Isaac, who seemed interesting at first, then vaguely evil, then creepy and then you Solemnly Swore He was Up to No Good. 

And whatever. I'm sure we'd all rather see Bo with Dyson anyway. I get that there's probably a contingent of Lost Girl fans who like seeing a legit LGBT relationship taken seriously on teevee, but OMG Lauren is so awful. Like. She's just so, so awful. I feel like they tried this season to make her more likable and interesting, but now she's done gone gotten herself mixed up with this craycray Isaac, who's trying to do away with all the the Fae. 

Dude. What?

The Morrigan's peeps kidnapped Trick and threw him in the trunk of a car. I guess that was meant to be ominous, but since Trick is so short, it was actually pretty comical. The Morrigan tried to take over The Ash seat from Hale and denounced him as a human-lover. Which to be fair, is a legit concern. Hale is way in love with Kenzi (Fae on human? kinky) and I hope the relationship grows into next season and we actually get to see them do sex.  

Sadly, if the season finale is any indication, it looks like our girl Tamsin is on her way out. Tamsin is one of the most interesting characters on the show, and Rachel Skarsten is one of the better actors, so I was hoping they would keep her around and nix Lauren, but nay. Tamsin has been secretly working for a shady individual, The Wanderer, whom most Lost Girl-ites guessed about five episodes ago was Bo's father.  Tamsin's instructions are to weaken Bo and deliver her to The Wanderer, which she is super conflicted about since she is into Bo. So, since Tamsin was trying some Uber Bad Ass Dark Fae BS on the Light Fae PrincessHero, she might as well just kiss her sweet lil ass goodbye. Also, she's a super old Valkyrie and has some kind of Valkyrie-itis and so she's dying. Thanks.

I think my part's mostly filler.

I'm sure there's no way supergenius Fae healer Lauren could find a way to set aside her uselessness and passive aggressive bitchiness and find a way to help Tamsin out of her Valkyrie-itis, but we'll see what the writers have up their sleeves for Season 4.

Anyway, back to the plot. We learned that Isaac is an evil not-even-genius in the episode previous to the finale. Dr. Girlfriend Lauren dumped Bo and then took off with Isaac, bowing to his pressuring her to take a job with his company. She thought she would be safe leaving the Fae world (or so she thinks), even though she was warned that if she leaves Light Fae protection, the Dark Fae will try to kill her. That doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me. Obviously, Lauren knows more about Fae physiology than anyone else in the Fae world, and you'd think that the Dark Fae would want to keep her around. But whatever, So, Lauren leaves, but she discovers that Isaac has been experimenting on the Fae. He won't let her leave and it's not like she can call Bo because Lauren left all of her crap, INCLUDING HER EFFING PHONE, at her apartment when she went off with Isaac. 

Isaac, of course, has an Evil Secret Semi-Underground Lab that looks very much like an observatory. I'd love to be the location scout for this show. Like I'm pretty sure every filming site is on the main Toronto subway lines. He's keeping all of the Fae -- including Bo's succumom Aife -- and giant refrigerators, which are standard-issue to evil-doers everywhere. He's got Lauren working on a technique to splice human DNA with Fae DNA to create a Fae/human hybrid. 

This might sting a bit.

Isaac's girlhood dream was to be Fae. Apparently, the Fae attacked his brother and killed him and whiny bitch that he is, Isaac decided to spend the rest of his life plotting revenge upon the Fae. Cry me a river. Hence stalking Lauren. He's been kidnapping the Fae, keeping them in refrigerated isolation booths and then making him fight each other until he found the strongest among them. The strongest among them turns out to be Dyson (natch), and Isaac has some creepy ho-yay/Single White Werewolf thing for Dyson and wants Lauren to remove stem cells from Dyson and implant them into Isaac, which will of course kill Dyson to death. I'm not sure about the scientific accuracy here, but I'm pretty sure a stem cell transplant doesn't involve the unavoidable death of a the donor. Since, you know, most stem cells live in petri dishes or vats of culture medium. Anyway, I'm watching a show that claims fairies and water sprites are real, so if I'm concerned about the scientific validity of Lauren's Evil Secret Lab experiments, I guess maybe I should take up a hobby. 

You've escaped ho-yay on this show for far too long, Dyson. Far too long.

So, Bo figures out where Lauren is and she and Tamsin make their way to the Evil Secret Lab. They get caught by the guards and Tamsin gets her ass shot. Bo and Tamsin are put in a fridge and Bo works out A Plan. 

Bo supergirls her way out of her refrigerator and then frees all the other confined Fae. Aife jumps in front of a bullet to save Bo and that's all really noble and whatnot, but let's not forget that she is FUCKING DARK FAE and all she has to do to heal is suck out someone's chi. So, what does Bo do but SHE LEAVES HER ALONE WITH SOMEONE WHOSE CHI SHE CAN STEAL. Like, did it occur to ANYONE that that's NOT A GOOD IDEA?? Like. What the fuck?

Lauren goes ahead with the procedure, but not before she can tell Bo that she's all jealous of Dyson. Instead of using Dyson's stem cells, she splices Isaac's DNA with some other Fae DNA that makes him behave as though he has Bell's palsy. Dyson chases him into the woods, turns into a wolf and Isaac shits his britches. And that's the last we see of Isaac. So, that whole climax more than a little underwhelming, especially considering the hundreds of Fae that Isaac killed over the course of his little experiments.

Lauren could have done all manner of things to this tool. She could have mixed his human genes with any number of craycray Fae. Since she knew how to slow down The Dawning in Bo's case, you'd think she could use that knowledge to turn him Fae and turn on a gene to make his Dawning happen super fast. Then he would have been Under Fae and they could have kept him in a cage and fed him catnip and Whisker Lickins. See, that would have been an arc.

Lauren sort of disappears while the Scooby Gang rescues everyone, so her position in the Fae community and her standing with Bo are left up in the air. Tamsin disappears during this episode, too, so I'm unsure what happened to her as a result of all this world savin'. 

But let's not forget that Isaac was not the main villain of this season. Nope, that's The Wanderer, who wants Bo in his clutches, since Daddy misses his Little Girl. After the dust settles, Bo heads back to Trick's bar and "The Wanderer" plays on the jukebox. The Tarot card makes its appearance again, and Bo picks it up. She wonders aloud who he is and what he wants, and then she gets turned into a cloud of black smoke and disappears, leaving behind The Tarot card in her place. Cliffhanger!! What will happen to Bo? Will Mary be on her right? Will Bo accept her new stepmom, Runaround Sue? 

Lost Girl has been green-lighted for another season by the Canadian company that produces it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE bring Tamsin back for another season! 

Episodes from this season of Lost Girl are available On Demand. Previous seasons are on Netflix. 

Hannibal Lecter, Fashion Plate

Something occurred to me while I was watching NBC's new drama, Hannibal. Maybe I've been watching too much Project Runway, or reading too much Mad Style* over on TLo, but the costuming on Hannibal really struck a cord with me

I can't speak for the book versions of Dr. Lecter, but Anthony Hopkins' Lecter was always fastidious and almost fussy about his appearance. But I don't remember him demonstrating much in the way of fashion other then your typical men's suits, and of course for almost all of Silence of the Lambs he was dressed in standard prison hospital wear.

He's not exactly at the forefront of fashion with this outfit. Still, better than wearing the blood of your victims, eh?

But NBC's Hannibal is very different. In fact, I would say he's downright dapper. The character is portrayed by Mads Mikkelsen and has thus far demonstrated a flair for wearing colorful, boldly patterned suits, complete with coordinating ties, pocket squares, and vests.  It's all very European and very different from most men on television.

But Hannibal isn't like most men, is he? He dresses in color, patterns (usually checks and plaids) and layers. And I think this is all deliberate. The image he projects to the world is complete serenity and control, but I think the busyness of his suits reflects the madness inside. Of course, he favors plaids because even his madness has a logic and structure. And the meaning of all the layers should be obvious--Hannibal would make an onion look uncomplicated.

 Well, hello there. Can I interest you in a nice glass of Chianti?

It's very unusual to find such attention to costuming in your typical television drama. Or maybe it's just very unusual for me to notice. In any event, I appreciate the attention to detail displayed by the folks behind the scenes, and I find myself looking forward to each appearance of Hannibal. Not just because he's a fascinating character portrayed by a great actor--but because I want to see what he's wearing.

 Really the entire point of this post was just to look at this picture again. Amazeballs. 

*Mad Style is a truly excellent set of posts by Tom and Lorenzo over on their blog where they analyze every detail of the costuming on each episode of Mad Men for clues of what is to come. It's amazing what they deduce about the characters from the clothes and reading each Mad Style post is pretty much half the reason why I watch Mad Men. 

New Year, same old crap.

Happy New Year, gentle readers! I hope you had a fun and safe New Years Eve and are ready for 2013. Because ready or not it's here, so strap on your seat belts and let's get ready for a new year of entertainment!

....except there isn't much happening right now. We're still in winter hiatus which means TV right over the holidays was pretty lame. The lone bright stop on the horizon is the return of Downton Abbey on PBS on Sunday (check local listings), but other than that I've been relying on my Netflix instant queue.

Sidenote: did you know that The West Wing is now available for instant watch? According to Facebook, a lot of my friends are just now discovering the show or the first time. My response to this is "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, PEOPLE?"

But until our beloved shows return with new content, I'm spending my time catching up on Gossip Girl and only a few episodes until I reach the end of the series (which only aired a few months ago). This show has a remarkable ability to make me feel simultaneously terrible about my life--why don't I have all these elaborate schemes and romantic entanglements??--and also awesome about my life--thank GOD I don't have all these elaborate schemes and romantic entanglements.

I hope you all are ready to get back in the swing of things and Happy New Year! Good luck remembering to write 2013 on all your checks.

What's Next?

Remember when we talked last week about how it was winter hiatus? You'll be happy to know that the DVR managed to make it back to 5% (I haven't had a chance to watch the last American Horror Story: Asylum episode yet). But there still isn't a lot going on in tv land and you've probably noticed there haven't been a lot of posts on the blog either. In fact, one third of the TV sluts staff (meaning one person) are already out of town.

So what is there to do when the winter blues take hold? Look forward to the returning shows in the new year, of course! Over at Television Without Pity, they've got a breakdown of when all your new faves are returning. Here are some of the highlights.

Merlin: January 4 at 10pm on Syfy--It's the final season for everyone's favorite boy sorcerer, and things have changed around Camelot. Arthur is (finally) King, Gwen is (finally) Queen, and hopefully we'll finally get the big show-down between Merlin and Morgana that we've been waiting for since she first went all Dark Side.

Downton Abbey: January 6 at 9pm on PBS--OMG YES! Sure, the second season was a bit lack-luster, but the Christmas episode more than made up for it. I am sure those writers will come up with some wacky plot developments to keep Mary and Matthew apart, but Shirley MacLaine going up against Maggie Smith? SOLD. Oh, but I couldn't give two shits about Anna and Bates anymore.

Justified: January 8 at 10pm on FX: Last season was so awesome and twisty I can't wait to see what everyone's favorite US Marshall gets up to next. I plan to break out the cowboy hat and moonshine and watch Timothy Olyphant swagger his cute little bow legs across my tv screen every week.

Face Off: Janaury 15 at 9pm on SyFy--I feel like I am kind of shouting into the wind on this one. It's my favorite reality competition show and very year I am blown away by the creativity and awesomness of the challenges and talent on this show. But is anyone else watching?

Smash: February 5 at 9pm on NBC--I cannot WAIT to see the changes they made to this show and whether it will make a difference to the ratings. The first season was rocky (no doubt), but I never quite reached the "hate-watching" levels of some people...I still always really enjoyed the show. The songs were good and most of the cast was great. But what will it be like now?

Winter Hiatus

Top 5 reasons you know it must be winter hiatus in TVland:

1) The DVR reached 0% for the first time since...well, since the winter hiatus last year.

2) And then I promptly filled it up with sappy holiday movies from The Hallmark Movie Channel and ABC Family. In related news: I cannot wait to the watch The Mistle Tones, you guys.

3) My Netflix queue is getting whittled down...doesn't this seem like the perfect evening for a Sherlock rewatch? Though making Irene Adler a dominatrix makes me roll my eyes every time.

4) Most people get giddy for the upcoming holidays...I get giddy for the return of tv shows after the New Year like Justified, Merlin, Face Off, and yes, even Smash.

5) I couldn't come up with a fifth thing actually, but you can't have a list made up of only four items, right?

Newsflash: it's already here.