Recapping AHS: Less Teeth! Less Teeth!

We being in 1994 with Constance talking to Burning Man, only he is unburned and being sympathetic. She says “they” are going to charge her with childhood neglect and take her boy away from her. Unburned Man says he loves her (!) and will do anything. Constance gets all steely and says, “then do it, like we discussed.” He goes to the attic and sees a red ball rolling across the floor to him from the darkness, just like Addie used to always see. Burning man talks gently to “Beau”, a severely disfigured boy who is chained to the wall. Burning Man quotes Shakespeare and then stabs the kid when his back is turned. And the ghost meter climbs.

Act I! Ben and Vivien are with the doctor and Viv wants to know, only half-jokingly, if the baby has hooves in the latest ultrasound. Doc says nope, perfectly healthy, and oh btw it’s actually twins! Surprise! (I will love this show forever if one of them looks like Ben and the other actually comes out looking like a gimp. This show is just crazy enough to pull that off, too.) Back home, the real estate agent is showing the house to a sleazy stereotype straight out of central casting. Sleazy encounters SexyMoira and innuendos all over the place. Moira is more than willing to play this game, encouraging him to dig up that damn gazebo and put in a pool because she “likes it deep.” Uh huh. Whatever, he asks them to call him, but Burning Man, now burned again, is in the kitchen saying he also wants to buy the house. The agent overreacts and pulls a gun from her purse, saying many men would like to rape her if they had the chance. Personally, I think she’s overreacting and, more importantly, so does Vivien who offers to show Burning Man around the house. Later, Vivien retreats upstairs and tries to sleep but somehow she’s having sex with the Security Guy instead but then it’s not him, it’s Ben but no, it’s really the Gimp again. Gimp gets around. Then the sex gets less sexy and more rape-y but then it was all a dream. Meanwhile, Violet is in the bathroom trying to cut her wrists but Tate stops her. He asks if she believes in ghosts and Violet is all, “um…” At dinner, Violet sasses her parents about their impending divorce and talks more about suicide. Vivien mentions that Burning Man wants to buy the house and Ben looses his cool. The next day, Sleazy comes back with only Moira in the house, who takes him to Violet’s bedroom and gives him a blowjob. Afterwards, Ben meets them in the hallway and Sleazy says the reason he wants to buy the house is to tear it down and turn it into apartments.

Everyone does their part to help sell this house, okay?

Act II! Burning Man is in his own apartment and Ben is stalking him for a change. Burning Man wants the house because it was the last place he was truly happy. Flashing back to 1994, Unburned Man confesses to his wife that he’s in love with Constance and thinks Wife should take the girls so he can move Constance in. Wife seems to actually take this pretty well, considering, except later that night she sets fire to the house, presumably killing herself and the girls and scarring Burning Man. Back in the present, Vivien takes the Murder Tour again to learn more about Dr. Montgomery and Lady Macbeth – turns out the Doc actually got their dismembered baby somehow back to life by using the heart of one of “their girls”. Lady Macbeth sees for herself in the nursery and the kid just ain’t right. When she comes back downstairs, she has blood on her shirt and says that the kid wants nursing, but it’s not milk he’s after anymore and that she tried to kill it, but it can’t die. Lady Macbeth produces a gun and shoots her husband in the head before putting the gun in her own mouth.

Act III! Back at the hospital, Vivien says she’s been feeling ill anytime she leaves the house, but once she goes home it’s all fine again. Plot point! In the house, Constance meets Burning Man in the basement, maybe because Starbucks was too far? Burning Man still loves her, but she taunts him with her new boy toy and says he’s weak for letting the house get the better of him. Burning Man tells her the new owner will tear the house down and what happens to the ghosts then? In the attic, Violet sees the red ball rolling toward her before the ghost of Beau attacks her. Tate is there and shoos his brother away, telling Violet all she needs to do is tell the ghosts to go away and they will. Then Tate shows her a stash of gay porn he found in the wall that he says is hot but he’s totally not gay, as well as a box of old photos of the house. The murdered ghost nurse shows up, but Violet dismisses her successfully.

Act IV! Constance visits Sleazy and reiterates what is becoming another theme of the show, how often people move from the east to California. She tells him he can’t tear the house down, but Sleazy says the only thing he wants from women is either sex or a sandwich, so which is she going to give him? And oh HELL NO, you do NOT talk to Constance like that.

Let's all congratulate ourselves for hating on a completely one-dimensional character.

At the house, Constance comes looking for Tate, but he recoils saying that the therapy has helped him realize how much he hates her. Watching Jessica Lange go from evil bitch to shattered mother in the space of two minutes is honestly one of the best things about this show. Constance finds Beau in the attic and comforts him, saying she won’t let them take him from her and calling him her “beautiful boy.” You’d think maybe things would have been better if she’d shown her dead children this much affection when they were alive. Constance confronts Moira about the house, Moira falsely believing if Sleazy buys it, he’ll find her body in the backyard. Constance tells her about his plans to tear the house down and they scheme. That night, Sleazy returns for more blowjobs. Moira leads him to the basement. That basement sees more plot than Eric Forman’s. Anyway, pants off; Moira on her knees; moaning. Sleazy winces, saying, “less teeth” and we can quickly see exactly where this is going. As Sleazy screams in pain, Burning Man suffocates him with a plastic bag. Constance watches, saying she finally has an appreciation for Moira’s “talents” and to ditch the body before he dies because no one wants a dickless real estate developer haunting the place. Because that would be silly. Upstairs, Violet shows Viven the old pictures she and Tate found and Vivien sees the picture of Lady Macbeth, remembering her as the person touring the place a few weeks ago. Gasp!

Next week – we learn who the gimp is and Spock returns. Exciting!