Enough Phantom. There Is Other Broadway.

Hello, chickens. What have you to say for yourselves? I've been mainlining Elementary and Gracepoint for my Murder Thursdays, but most of my attention has been concentrated on watching bunch of figure skating. A. Bunch. Of. Figure. Skating. The return of figure skating season, of course, means the return of commentary by Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski. 

Hello, darlings. Did you miss me?

What can I say about the overall theme of the Grand Prix of Figure Skating? Well, if you're super patriotic and you're looking to watch Americans succeed, perhaps this isn't the sport for you. 

Oh. I still have this on my hard drive. Do not even think for a moment I would delete this.

I freely admit that I am a bit hard on Ashley. I think she is overrated and I find her competent but not terribly interesting. I much prefer Gracie Gold (who has withdrawn from the Grand Prix final due to an injury), and skaters with less brouhaha surrounding them, like Mirai Nagasu and Samantha Cesario. Anyway. Enough about me. To the skaters.

Ladies' Singles

As was the case in Sochi earlier this year, the story is Russia, Russia, Russia. Four of the six ladies' finalists are Russian. They are ranked as follows: 

1. Elena Radionova

2. Elizaveta Tuktamysheva 

3. Anna Pogorilaya

4. Gracie Gold (W)

5. Yulia Lipnitskaya

6. Crashley Ashley Wagner

7. Rika Hongo (JPN)

Anyway, Ashley has more to contend with than the Russian ladies if she wants to find her way up onto that podium. Her teammate Gracie Gold has withdrawn, but Gracie actually got a gold medal in a Grand Prix event this season, and while Ashley qualified, she has not won any event. Gold's replacement, Rika Hongo, is someone Ashley needs to be concerned about. Forget beating the Russians -- the Japanese ladies' field is DEEP. DEEP LIKE A DEEP DISH PIZZA PIE ON A TUESDAY.  Rika is an amazing skater in the vein of the awesome Mao Asada and IMHO she has more of a chance to contend with the Russian girls than Ashley does. She is technically and artistically pretty sound, and she beat the Russian girls at home at the Rostelecom Cup just a few weeks ago.  No, she is not the complete package yet, but look out Pyonchang in 2018. Rika is my dark horse pick to win the Grand Prix final.

Yes, mama.

Elena Radionova has a gold medal from the 2014 Skate America and 2014 Trophee Eric Bompard. 

Elizaveta Tuktamysheva won the bronze medal at the 2013 European Championships and won gold at the 2014 Nebelhorn Trophy.  

Anna Pogorilaya placed first at Skate Canada and Cup of China. 

Rika Hongo placed first at the 2014 Rostelecom Cup and received the bronze medal at the 2014 Finlandia Trophy. She replaces Gracie Gold, who won a gold medal at the NHK Trophy, and bronze medals at Skate Canada and Nebelhorn Trophy. 

Yulia Lipnitskaya placed second at the 2014 Rostelecom Cup and also won silver at the Cup of China. The darling of the Sochi Games, Miss Thing has found herself some real competition in Elena Radionova. It's a good thing she's found something to light a fire under her, because homegirl has mad talent, but she has been falling all over the place since the team competition in Sochi. Get your head in the game, Yulia! 

Ashley Wagner is the silver medalist from the 2014 Skate Canada and the bronze medalist for the 2014 Trophee Eric Bompard. 

My overall comment on the Russian ladies is thus: They are good. They are very, very good. My favorite of the Russian girls, Alena Leonova, did not qualify, but you should totes check out her Charlie Chaplin routine from Skate Canada. Supes cute. I sort of find Elena Radionova and Yulia Lipnitskaya to be very similar in terms of technique and choreography. Elena thus far has been a bit more consistent, and Yulia kind of falls apart under the pressure. Anna Pogorilaya I feel is a bit overrated, because I don't feel her programs have been entirely clean, but I also realize that the judging doesn't severely penalize a lot of minor mistakes. That said, she is technically advanced. The only time her program actually grabbed me was earlier this year at Skate Canada, and at Cup of China she was artistically and technically meh. So we will see.

There was a lot of good skating during the Grand Prix series, and a lot of talented skaters who didn't qualify for the final. 

May I have a moment before I move on to the men?

ENOUGH WITH PHANTOM. ENOUGH ALREADY. ENOUGH PHANTOM MEDLEYS. ENOUGH PHANTOM ROUTINES. ENOUGH. 

Quoth the Tara, "There is other Broadway." See what you've done? You've upset Tara! 

There, there, Tar-Tar. Johnny will comfort you. 

If you aren't aware, the Powers That Be in the figure skating community have changed the rules and they are allowing all the skaters to perform to music with lyrics. I'm not entirely sold on this concept yet, but I think the idea would get more steam if people stopped doing fucking Phantom. I mean it. Everyone did Phantom, and the first year they let you use lyrics, what do you do? PHANTOM WITH BLOODY LYRICS. WHY???? When there is Chicago! Like. I mean. Why. Just a little more variety here, people. That's all I'm sayin'. 

Okay. The dudes.

Men's Singles

The leaders after the Grand Prix events 

1. Maxim Kovtun (RUS)
2. Javier Fernandez (SPN)
3. Tatsuki Machida (JPN)
4. Takahito Mura (JPN)
5. Sergei Voronov (RUS)
6. Yuzuru Hanryu (JPN)

As you can see, the Japanese men are pretty much dominating the field in terms of numbers in the Grand Prix final. Gold medalist Yuzuru Hanryu has been struggling since the Cup of China, after a hilarious unfortunate collision with a Chinese skater.

I'm looking for Javier Fernandez or Maxim Kovtun to win this event. Have I told you how much I love Maxim Kovtun? I effing love Maxim Kovtun. Look how adorable he is. Look at his little Spiderman jammies.

Javier Fernandez is awesome and does quad after quad. But he does not have Spiderman jammies. Thus, I pick Maxim. Well, really, I think it could go to any of these guys. I really love Javier and Maxim, but the Japanese men are very technically sound. I'm not a huge fan of the Japanese men. For me, they are kind of like Elena Radionova and Yulia Lipnitksaya -- very similar technique, music, and costumes. I don't see a whole lot of uniqueness among any of them, and I'd like some of them to start standing out artistically. However, I do like Daisuke Murakami, who trains with Gracie Gold and Frank Carroll, but skates for Japan. To me, he stands out a little more with a bit of his own style. Unfortunately, he did not qualify for the final, in spite of winning the gold medal at the NHK Trophy, so I'm hoping Maxim or Javi take gold. 

But no more Phantom. Seriously, you guys.

No. Just...no. (And no, that is not Charlie White.)

Pairs

1. Ksenia Stolbova/Fedor Klimov (RUS)
2. Meagan Duhamel/Eric Radford (CAN)
3. Yuko Kavaguti/Alexander Smirnov (RUS)
4. Peng Cheng/Zhang Hao (CHN)
5. Sui Wenjing/Han Cong (CHN)
6. Yu Xiaoyu/Jin Yang (CHN)

The highest-ranking American pair, Haven Denney and Brandon Frazier, came in eighth overall, and did not earn a spot in the final. They are the second alternate for the final.  

For me, the pairs event is pretty up in the air. Stolbova and Klimov are the top-ranked pair, but they have Canadians Duhamel and Radford hot on their heels. However, I've watched all of these pairs this season and I feel the top two are pretty evenly matched. I mean, we're not looking at the difference between two Rob Lowes here

so the pairs event is anyone's game. If Stolbova and Klimov skate clean, they will win. But then again, if Duhamel and Radford skate clean, they will win. Or, it's entirely possible one of the lower ranked teams will come out swinging and end up with the gold. If I had to bet money, I'd put it on the Russians coming in first and the Canadians second, but anything can happen in competition.

Ice Dance

Okay, may I start with how utterly and completely blown away I was by the French pair of Papadakis and Cizeron?

I just can't even with these two. I just can't. He is so handsome, and she looks so much like Liberty Leading the People, and they are just ethereal. They came out of nowhere this season to win both the Cup of China and the Trophee Eric Bompard. 

If they skate the way they've skated this season, you will understand what I mean. Their free dance is so gorgeous, if it does not move you to tears, then you are dead inside. DEAD I TELL YOU.

However, it's not like this is a runaway. Like the Olympics, the only area where the Americans are excelling is in the ice dance. Madison Chock and Evan Bates of the United States are ranked first, with the Shibutani siblings also qualifying for the final. The rankings going into the final are as follows:

1. Madison Chock/Evan Bates (USA)
2. Kaitlyn Weaver/Andrew Poje (CAN)
3. Gabrielle Papadakis/Guillaume Cizeron (FRA)
4. Maia Shibutani/Alex Shibutani (USA)
5. Piper Gilles/Paul Poirier (CAN)
6. Elena Ilinykh/Ruslan Zhiganshin (RUS)

And featuring Johnny Weir as Sparkly Loki! 

Like the Olympics, the only event where the Americans have a chance to win anything is the ice dance. Madison Chock and Evan Bates are the top-ranked ice dance pair, and they have every reason to expect a win in the Grand Prix. 

The Grand Prix of Figure Skating starts Friday at 8 p.m. on Universal Sports and at various times on NBC. It runs the whole weekend. I recommend Universal Sports for more complete, if tape delayed, coverage. I've been promised that Johnny and Tara will commentate. 

I leave you with pictures of Johnny Weir.

The Bride of Tarastein.

I give you evil alien Star Trek queen realness.

A star is born! 

Fosse, Fosse, Fosse!

Save the Something, Save the Something Something

So, last night, I got caught up on the latest season of Lost Girl, and having affirmed that I am not delusional, and that the show keeps getting sillier at an exponential rate, I turned my attentions to NBC's latest offering, Believe. 

TICKETS TO ONE DIRECTION ZOMG!!!!!

This show was heavily hyped during the Olympics in February, so I figured I would tune in so at least see what it was all about. After all, it's got pretty good cred, having been executive produced by J.J. Abrams and Alfonso Cuarón. I can see why The Peacock wants to get in on the sci-fi fantasy genre, given the success of shows like Orphan Black and True Blood, and the cult following of Joss Whedon. The show overall has potential, but I felt the pilot was formulaic, predictable, and its "touching" moments bordered on trite. 

The basic premise follows the exploits of River Tam, Bo (if this is an obvious reference to Lost Girl's Chosen One heroine, it was not lost on me). Bo has special abilities that she's unable to control, but the pilot was overly vague about what those abilities are. I guess she's some sort of mix of psychic, empathic, telepathic and and Aqua Man.

Take that, whale! That'll teach you to beat up on helpless plankton!

Bo's real parents are maybe dead, or unknown, or something, so she's been shuttled around to different foster families since their demise. Bo and her guardians are, of course, being hounded and pursued by an Evil Shady Corporate Bad Guy, whose company may have created her/owned her, but anyway, they are after her. The pilot opens with Bo in a car with her latest foster parents. An Evil Secret Agent Lady (she is unnamed, so I'll just call her Mila Jovovich from here on out) runs the car off the road, and then breaks the necks of foster mom and dad in a really unlikely fashion (Mila's secret power is she gets two improbable neck breaks per day) and Bo ends up in the hospital. Bo befriends a young doctor who is experiencing a lot of self-doubt after he was unable to save the life of someone's grandpa. D'awww. Bo helps him rediscover confidence in himself by telling him he will save the life of a singer named Senga. He finds out later that Bo was right and the singer's name was Agnes. Which is Senga if it's backwads. F'real. For effin' real. Doctor Guy notices this when he sees Agnes's get well balloons (which spell her name) in the mirror and it says, "SEGNA" but when I see и, all I see anymore is a vowel so it didn't have quite the same effect.   

Help me, Bastian! The Nothing is destroying Fantasia! 

MEANWHILE, the good guys, whom I have affectionately named The Multicultural A-Team, because I have no idea who they're working for and why, have hatched a plan to spring OUR HERO, Tate, from death row. Tate has been wrongfully convicted of murder and he's about to be executed, when the MAT's leader, Winter, enters his prison cell disguised as a minister. He offers Tate a chance to escape from prison if Tate agrees to help Bo. Tate hems and haws for a reason I'm not really sure about. I mean, he says he was wrongfully convicted of murder and this guy walks in and tells him he'll help him escape and Tate's all like, "Gee, IDK" instead of "Hells yeah!" Anyway, at he last minute, Tate agrees to help Winter rescue Bo, and Tate escapes with the help of Winter's associates, Channing and a couple of other dudes who die later so I don't know their names. 

My acting coach told me to channel McConnaughey.

So, Bo's in the hospital and Winter arranges for Tate to get into the hospital by posing as an accident victim who has really badly applied and eyeshadow bruises, and he finds Bo in her hospital room. It doesn't take much convincing to get Bo to leave with him, but that's when Mila Jovovitch shows up, posing as a nurse. 

Tate starts to wheel Bo out in a wheelchair, but her rescuer and kidnapper soon see through each others' ruses and throw down on each other in the hospital hallway. Bo shoots Mila in the butt with a syringe she randomly found, and that drugs Mila and gives Bo and Tate time to run away. Undaunted, Mila runs through the hospital shooting at them, but not before she puts a silencer on her gun. Hello? Even if the bystanders at the nurse's station can't hear you shoot at them, THEY CAN STILL EFFING SEE YOU. Mila, you are the worst assassin. Mila realizes she is shooting at people and has wobbly drugged person vision, so she randomly finds another syringe full of something else that will undrug her, and then shoots herself in the butt with that, but it's too late. Bo and Tate have escaped. On the bus. The bus. That's their escape plan. Route 10 at 3:15. I also think Tate had no bus fare, but hey, a minor detail. He might have a metro card. 

ANYWAY.

Winter is the former partner of Evil Shady Corporate Bad Guy, and they had some kind of falling out. Car chases in SUVs ensue, and Bo ends up in hiding at this abandoned warehouse/pigeon factory with the MAT. Unfortunately, Mila Jovovitch finds them and she shoots two members of the MAT and makes her way upstairs, where she finds Tate, Winter, Bo, and Channing. They are about to escape, when Bo decides it's a good idea to leave their panic room and go get her stuffed turtle. Which I can kind of understand. I would like to have a stuffed turtle.

I'm NOT Yulia Lipnitskaya! Let me gooooooo!!!

Mila knocks Tate down and is about to shoot at him. This is when Bo remembers that she can summon birds. HOLY SHIT SHE IS GANDALF. 

The pigeons all form this full-on Hitchcockian pigeonado (PIGEONADO!!!!) around Mila and that gives Tate and Bo a chance to escape. The MAT escapes this time, but Evil Shady Corporate Bad Guy will not give up in his quest to capture Bo for his own nefarious purposes.Again, it is unclear about what those actually are.  It's also revealed at the end that Tate is likely Bo's father, which wasn't that difficult to guess. As for Mila, our last glimpse of her is her getting a call from Evil Shady Corporate Bad Guy boss, after she's been outwitted by Tate, Bo and MAT.

You had one job.

All in all, I would give the pilot a C-minus. I guess there's potential here, but Believe hasn't done much to set itself apart from the Female Chosen One genre, and I feel at this point the production is taking itself a little too seriously. I get that they are trying to be inclusive with diverse casting choices, but the main characters are still a white male and a young white female. The non-white characters are ancillary to the white characters, so it's kind of feeling like people of color stunt casting/tokenism. The writing is kind of bleh and relies on some already hackneyed plot points. Again, if NBC wants to attract the Buffy crowd, and entice them to watch Believe instead of Orphan Black, they've got their work cut out for them. It's unclear if Bo is a mutant, alien, superhero, or angel and I feel like she needs to have more agency in the coming episodes, because right now she's as capable of saving humanity as the Wonder Twins.

I want to Believe, but the show has to iron things out more in order to attract its target viewership. 

Believe premiered on March 15, with a special subsequent episode which aired March 16. Its regular time slot is 9 p.m. Sundays on The Peacock.

Save the Cheerleader Save the Whaaaat?! Heroes Reborn comes to NBC in 2015!

When I began to hear whisperings about some kind of return for the departed show, Heroes, I knew right where to go for the full scoop. My friend Priya, who has an amazing blog called This Is What Comes Next, was a Heroes fan back in the day and was kind enough to provide TV Sluts with her thoughts regarding the return of the show. Personally, I didn't think there was big outcry from the viewing public for more Heroes, but whatever, NBC. Desperate times, I suppose.

I have a routine. Where most people start the day with the New York Times or the Washington Post, I always kick things off scanning the headlines to Entertainment Weekly. So of course when this came across my twitter feed yesterday I did a double take.

"Heroes Reborn."

My first thought: Really? Have we officially run out of good ideas?

My Second Thought: But it started out so well. Five years later can it be better?

And then, again. Is this really necessary?

The answer of course, is no. Jeff Jensen covers most of the bases in this EW.come article, but here are my two cents.

Heroes was one of those shows that had so much potential and so many great characters. Horn-Rimmed Glasses Guy, Hiro Nakamura, Mohinder and the cockroaches, the Haitian! I mean seriously it started with a bang (and with a relatively diverse cast) and then ended season one with this bizarre flat, budget strapped sad climax. I wanted so much more this show and can't actually pinpoint the moment where I gave up -- though I know I stuck around a lot longer than most.

There were too many characters, too many subplots and nothing ever came together in the way we all wanted it to.

This is the show that gave us Hayden Panettiere (who is awesome on Nashville) and Zachary Quinto (New Spock!) and for that I will be grudgingly grateful. But I'm not sure I'll be willing to go back. NBC is going to have to do a hard sell --and in a world where we have Arrow, Marvels Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (though its future is questionable) and other examples of tight storytelling for super heroes I'm not sure I need to go back.

For your information, Heroes: Reborn is only a 13 episode miniseries. So who knows, maybe Peter Petrelli (or whatever version that shows up) can save the world once more....but for the love of all that is important in the land of television lay off the time travel.

Want to know who from the original cast might be back? Look at this cast picture and see who hasn't worked in a while. Chances are they'll be in the new episodes.

Awwww. She In Yo Class, Yo!

It is I, gentle readers! Arsenic Pie! Back from the netherworld of holidays, presents, and, yes, pie. So much pie, in fact, that I have not been able to roll myself from the couch to my computer due to my near-diabetic coma. So I apologize for my recent silence. But fear not!

It is now January and that means the return of many of our beloved programs since they went on hiatus during the bleak midwinter.

The first of the premieres that I have been looking forward to -- and there are many -- (OMG SEASON 4 OF DOWNTON ABBEY OMG YOU GUYS!!!) is Community. Yes, yes, it's true. Miss Arsenic Pie takes time away from her erudite Auntie Beeb costume dramas to watch comedy. I'm not a huge or dedicated Community fan like this devoted comrade, but this girl does love herself some Joel McHale. It's one of those shows where if I find it in reruns on TV on Comedy Central I will watch it. I long ago gave up on network comedies, but I found myself pleasantly surprised by how clever and -- okay, I'll say it -- how downright stinkin' meta it is. This show, along with Archer and Brooklyn 99, is starting to restore my faith in 'Murican comedy programming. 'Murica. McHale. Mostly McHale.

How is Joel McHale today? I don't know, but I'm sure he's fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

As you know, the show follows the exploits of Jeff (Cutie McHottie Joel McHale) as Jeff, the disbarred lawyer who is forced to attend community college as part of his court sentence. Along for the ride are Jeff's love interest, Britta (Gillian Jacobs); our favorite Trudy Campbell, Alison Brie, as Annie; the always hilarious Ken Jeong as psychotic Spanish instructor, Señor Chang;  the lovely and talented Yvette Nicole Brown as Shirley; Jim Rash as Dean Pelton and, last but not least, Donald Glover and Danny Pudi as Troy and Abed, respectively. Also? True story. Jim Rash's Twitter handle is @RashisTVUgly. Look it up.

So, the plot of the season premiere features Jeff down on his luck after a failed attempt at being a morally upstanding lawyer. 

Jeff's super sleazy ex legal partner, Alan (Rob Effin Corddry) drops by to help Jeff out of his financial jam. Alan wants Jeff to help out with a lawsuit Alan is planning against Greendale. An engineer educated at Greendale designed a bridge that collapsed and Alan wants to sue Greendale, claiming it was Greendale's fault. Jeff doesn't have much of a choice, so he returns to Greendale in search of the engineer's records. He has a creepily hilarious encounter with Dean Pelton, and Jeff convinces Pelton that he's there to "help" Greendale. Jeff forms a "Save Greendale" committee, and coincidentally runs into his old study group, who are all hanging out in the old study room. Which also happens to be the new records office. It's also where Señor Chang is now living under house arrest.

Jeff tries to convince his former study group members to join a lawsuit against the school, with the claim that their lives are not better four years after they started at Greendale. Britta is a bartender; Abed is a computer programmer/ failed film director; Annie is pushing pills for a big pharma company; Yvette's husband left her again and took the kids (and the DVR with her 166 unwatched episodes of Bones); and Troy is waiting around for Abed to get rich off his new smartphone app so Troy can sue him. Solid plan. The gang starts arguing, and Jeff thinks he's convinced them all to join a class action lawsuit. He leaves to tell Alan that he's taking over the case, tells Alan he's not worth his prepared evil monologue, and whips Alan with his own tie. He returns to the study group to find that they've all made up, and they've made a collective decision. Jeff thinks they're all going to sue, but they reveal that they're all going to re-enroll at Greendale. REPILOT. Dean Pelton offers Jeff a job as a law professor, and the gang decides to burn their table. Any episode of any show that ends in a fire/pyrotechnics is a win for me. 

Stick around for episode 2, which features Abed having a mental breakdown over his attempt to determine whether Nicolas Cage is a good or bad actor. My Nic Cage is just me saying, "There's a treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence." Abed puts this girl to shame. 

Community airs on The Peacock Thursday nights at 8 EST. The double-feature season premiere is available on demand.

Be sure to also catch McHale hosting The Soup Wednesdays at 10 on E!

You staged a robot fight?!?! In real life, the robot wins!!

Bram Stoker is rolling over in his grave.

After months and months of anticipation here on the blog, NBC's Dracula has finally aired! As fans of all things vampire and ridiculous, Arsenic Pie and I were not about to let this occasion pass without a conversation discussing the show. So sit back and relax while we let you know whether Dracula is worth your time. 

Oh, and the pilot episode featured a plot twist at the end; I have marked our conversation of said twist with spoiler tags. 

Maggie: So: what did you think of Dracula?

Arsenic: Well I appreciate the Downton Abbeyness of it all. They've got great costumes, and Sir Anthony is on the show, being his usual douchey self. I literally laughed out loud when I saw him. All they need is Maggie Smith making snarky comments about the action.

Maggie: I think this is going to fall in the "hate-watch" category for me.

Arsenic: Oh, totes. It is ridonkulous.

Maggie: It's kind of terrible, but I can't look away.

Arsenic: I think all Dracula stuff I've ever seen has been a total train wreck, but this is unapologeticaly bad. 

Maggie: Here is my main complaint: there are too many unnecessary plot additions. Because you know what the Dracula story is really missing? A subplot about reliance on petroleum as an energy source versus geo-magnetic power.

Ew, get that science away from me!

Arsenic: The novel is a little light on taking down Big Oil. (SPOILER) I don't get why Dracula is suddenly a good guy who is working with Van Helsing. (END SPOILER).

Maggie: I don't think you could call Dracula a "good guy" though.

Arsenic: Well, he's the lesser of two evils because according to the show, he's working against a big corporation. He's like a 99 percenter who sucks blood and kills people

Maggie: Yeah, the killing people thing is kind of a sticking point. I usually love me some secret societies, but this whole Order of Dragon is so unexplained it is kind of laughable. What do they stand for? Why did they kill Drac's wife 200 years ago? What are they doing now other than being rich jackasses? Instead of "setting up mysteries" it's more like "we forgot to mention it in the pilot."

Arsenic: And I'm all for strong female characters and all,but my historical accuracy meter went off when I saw that Mina is somehow in med school.

Maggie: OMG YES what the hell?

Arsenic: In Victorian England? How??

Maggie: And nobody even bats an eye of course. Because her Dad is a famous doctor or something. PLEASE.

Arsenic: How did that happen?

Maggie: This is clearly some network suit being like, we need to make Mina a "strong" woman or the vaginas will bitch at us on twitter.

Arsenic: Those vajays be naggin'. And Mina isn't a strong character. She's meant to be an ingenue.

Maggie: Excellent point. And there are other ways to make her have a strong presence rather than some ridiculousness about her being in medical school.

Arsenic: Yeah, I don't buy that. No one would have been okay with that.

Maggie: Let's talk about Drac himself. Usually I hate Jonathan Rhys Meyers, but darn if he wasn't actually pretty good. Except for the American accent. DEAR GOD. It is terrible. And why is he pretending to be American? It makes NO SENSE.

Arsenic: He's good in this because he's playing total douche. I can't stand him unless he's being a douche because I feel that's his natural state. And yes, WHY is he American? That makes no sense. If it became clear in production that he couldn't nail the accent then it should have been time for a rewrite.

Maggie: Agreed. Just make him British and have him coming from India or something so he needs to be introduced to society.

Arsenic: Oh, and I loved how Jack the Ripper was ACTUALLY a vampire. Actually a fact. "Oh the trouble it took to clean up that mess." It was a total non sequitor and it made no effing sense.

Maggie: It's all a cover-up! Perpetrated by the same shadowy secret society that....well, we don't really know what else they do. Because it has in no way been established.

Arsenic: I feel like, and one of the reviews I read touched on this, that they can't use the Knights Templar because that's overdone, so they used something else. But still it's really stupid.

Maggie: I just don't understand what the society DOES. They burned heretics or something 200 years ago? But that doesn't mean anything. Who HASN'T?

Arsenic: I mean really. I thought that was a normal weekend in 1600s Europe. My mistake.

Maggie: So one change that I do like: Renfield.

Arsenic: I like him. He's enjoyable. I feel like he's the only likable character.

Maggie: I'll take quietly snarky over bug-eating batshit crazy any day of the week. I hope he ends up the hero of the show.

Arsenic: I can't stand Lucy. She's usually just a dumb blonde and here she's slightly more interesting with that actress. Mina is just a fainting flower with a ludicrous plotline.

Maggie: We will see what happens with Lucy. I mean, we kind of know from the book she shacks up with Drac, but hopefully she will play some purpose other than blood bag.

Arsenic: And Harker is a milquetoast, let's face it.

Maggie: He's better than Keanu though.

Arsenic: And I'm the tallest person at a midget convention. He is better. That actor fits the part better than Keanu.

Maggie (SPOILER) I know we already dropped this spoiler bomb, but the Van Helsing working with Dracula took me by surprise. And it didn't piss me off which also surprised me. I am interested to see where this goes.

Arsenic: It doesn't bother me, either, but I'm not a huge fan of the book. Maybe if I fangirled Bram Stoker I'd be more pissed. (END SPOILER)

Maggie: I just thought it was interesting, since they are so linked as enemies in pop culture. But since Dracula needs a hunter, thank goodness we have the blonde Lady Jane ninja.

Arsenic: It was like suddenly it was a kung fu movie. Oh, and why was Drac's fight on the rooftop in slo-mo??

Maggie: I think they were trying to be all 300 with it. It didn't work.

Arsenic: You save the slo-mo for epic battle scenes. Fighting a chimney sweep on the roof is not an epic battle.

Maggie: That guy was kind of shitty vampire hunter, to be honest.

Arsenic: I almost expected Mary Poppins to pop in. THAT'S the movie we should make.

Maggie: Dracula and Mary Poppins: Thunderdome. 

Arsenic: Mary Poppins: Vampire Slayer. I would pay to see that.

Maggie: To Kickstarter!

Arsenic: Let's make this happen!

Maggie: We just need some celebrity endorsements. I bet Dick Van Dyke would be down. Ok, we have gone off the rails a bit.

Step in time, motherfuckers.

Maggie: Any final thoughts?

Arsenic: I think there's not much else to say. It's silly.

Maggie: I'll give it a few more episodes, but mostly because I feel that I HAVE to watch something called "Dracula" as a vampire genre fan.

Arsenic: And I can't tell yet if it knows it it's silly or if it doesn't and it's taking itself very seriously.

Maggie: I think the later, which is kind of the problem.

Arsenic: Like Sleepy Hollow knows it's kinda silly.

Maggie: Exactly!

Arsenic: It's there. It's in on the joke.

Maggie: Are you going to stick with Dracula?

Arsenic: I don't know. Honestly, that whole Victorian murder spree stuff doesn't appeal to me. OH, but DID YOU KNOW...that experiment Drac did at the beginning was actually something Nikola Tesla did? So Drac = Tesla

Maggie:  When he was dissing Edison and Tesla, I was like, "oh no he didn't!

Arsenic: Oh, he went there.

Maggie: We'll see what The Oatmeal has to say about this.

Arsenic: The show's just trying too hard.

Maggie: Agreed.

Arsenic: I might tune in again just because it's so fucking funny.

Maggie: I think the takeaway is: if you enjoy hate-watching or drunk-watching, this is the show for you. If not, avoid.

Arsenic: I agree.

Maggie: Hurray, we agree!

Arsenic: It's a good thing to watch among friends when you are all drunk or feeling particularly snarky.

Maggie: if you ever come visit we will get drunk and watch it.

Arsenic: TOTES.


Dracula airs Friday nights at 10:00pm on NBC.

Thursdays at 9

Fall tv season continues to roll along, and the premieres are coming fast and loose. But mixed in with the new shows are some returning favorites. Do the new ones live up to the hype? Are the older shows still enjoyable? I've got some of your answers below...at least when it comes to the Thursday at 9:00 timeslot. Is EVERYTHING airing then or is it just me?

The Crazy Ones: I thought this one was going to be terrible. I've got a low tolerance for Robin Williams when he goes off the rails (unless he is playing a big blue genie) and the ads for this show were painful. Also, Sarah Michelle Gellar, as much as I love her, isn't exactly a comedian.

But you know what? I was actually pleasantly surprised. There was enough of Robin Williams actually acting to not bug and SMG plays the straight (wo)man to his craziness really well. When you add in James Wolk (who played Bob Benson on Mad Men last season) who is adorable and hilarious you get a pretty good show. Oh, and the pilot featured Kelly Clarkson who is awesome, so I can't help but recommend it. I know, I know, I am surprised too.

The Crazy Ones airs Thursdays at 9:00 pm on CBS.

The Goldbergs: Oh, god, the 1980s. Think of this show as Malcom in the Middle meets The Wonder Years. The main character is a kid growing up in the 1980s with his wacky family. He has a video camera and records his family....well, being wacky. The pilot had several laugh out loud moments, and maybe I can relate because my family is also Jewish and crazy, but I am definitely keeping this one on the season pass.

The Goldbergs (also) airs Thursdays at 9:00 pm on ABC.

It's like Awkward Family Photos: the show.

Glee: Cue eyeroll. Look, nobody wants this show to be good again more than me. I loved the first season and have stuck with it through thick and thin. And while I don't think I can ever give up watching it...the premiere was just not good. It was a Beatles themed episode (part 1 of 2) and I am a huge Beatles fan. But there was no creativity to the arrangements, the plots were all kind of boring, and even the adorable Kurt and Blaine stuff didn't do it for me. It was just trying too hard to be adorable. And when Rachel thought she bombed her Funny Girl audition and then wandered Central Park singing "Yesterday," I just wanted to punch her in the face. I am of course curious to see how the show deals with the tragic loss of Cory Monteith, who was just missing from the first episode all together, but I think the episodes are going to languish on the DVR until I find time for them. I just can't get excited about it anymore.

Glee ALSO airs Thursdays at 9 on FOX.

 You know what this show really needs? More cast members! Amiright?

Coming soon: thoughts on the return of Revenge and the new series Betrayal, Super Fun Night, and The Originals.

Type O Negative: Tastes Great, Less Filling

Almost a year ago, I told you that NBC was developing a new series for the 2013 television season based on Bram Stoker's Dracula--with a few "made for tv" changes. And guess what? NBC announced at their recent upfront presentation that they have picked up the series and would air Dracula this Fall on Friday nights at 10:00.

I need a coffin *this big*

I am sure most of you are familiar with the original Dracula tale in some form, either from the novel or its many MANY adaptations. Needless to say, NBC is taking some creative license with the story. Over on the show's website, the network describes the plot as follows:

It's the late 19th century, and the mysterious Dracula has arrived in London, posing as an American entrepreneur who wants to bring modern science to Victorian society. He's especially interested in the new technology of electricity, which promises to brighten the night - useful for someone who avoids the sun. But he has another reason for his travels: he hopes to take revenge on those who cursed him with immortality centuries earlier. Everything seems to be going according to plan... until he becomes infatuated with a woman who appears to be a reincarnation of his dead wife. From the producers of the critically acclaimed, Emmy Award-winning hit Downton Abbey comes Dracula, a twisted, sophisticated and sexy take on Bram Stoker's classic novel, proving that some stories never die.

Ok, so a few things. First, Dracula poses as an American? What the hell? Jonathan Rhys Meyers has never really done it for me (too skinny!), but one of the things he has going for him is a natural Irish (or fake English) accent. But they're going to make him sound like an American? FAIL. Also, it's from the producers of Downton Abbey. WHAT. Let's just hope that means the costumes will be awesome.

The only footage we've seen of the new show is the trailer. It looks interesting, but let's be honest. It's going to fall into the "so terrible it's good" category for sure. Just like The Tudors (which for the first season was really just terrible).



There's an "empire of lies!" She will "find him and destroy him!" Love is his obsession and revenge is in his blood!

Please.

But y'all know I will watch the shit out of this show for real and the guy who plays Jonathan Harker looks kind of hot. Also, sword fighting! Hurray! Rhys Meyers is no Gary Oldman, but I suppose he will do for a network television version of the titular vampire, and I see a lot of potential for new stories in later seasons using the original Dracula premise as a spring board.

PS: I am trying to figure out the logic behind airing the show on Fridays. I suppose they want to pair it with the similarly supernatural-themed Grimm....but Friday night is kind of a loser night for tv. Maybe they are hoping to get the nerd losers who never leave the house. (pause for you to make a joke about how I will be watching it on Fridays for sure)

Hitting You Like A Velvet Hammer

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m here to talk to you about subtlety. Specifically, about subtlety and Ryan Murphy, which are not two concepts that are often found in the same sentence.

Murphy is the creator of (among many things) Glee, American Horror Story and, most recently, The New Normal, an antiquated sit-com concept that’s been massively updated. Despite airing in an era where all comedies are filmed using the single-camera approach (think The Office or Parks and Recreation) and focused on co-workers and their wacky office lives, The New Normal tells an old-fashioned story – it’s about a young couple who decide to have a baby and along the way must contend with their wacky family, zany co-workers and, naturally, a bigoted grandmother from the Midwest. The hook? The couple is two men and their baby is courtesy of a surrogate with a young daughter of her own. As such, all the old tropes about the family sit-com are there, just represented by a cast of characters that would not normally come together.

Who plays the nosy neighbor character? Hint: She's not white.

As you can likely guess, here’s where Murphy’s penchant for yelling when he could just talk becomes clear. If scriptwriting were like facebook, Murphy’s posts would always be in all caps. His characters don’t just exist, they Stand For Something. The messages of each episode or series are never hidden but worn directly on the heart. In neon. And then sung out loud. Be yourself. Be unique. You are special, no matter how ugly/wounded/non-white/gay/nerdy you are. When in doubt, you MUST cheat on your wife and then murder your mistress, burying her in the backyard so she can haunt you along with the ghost of your skanky maid. (Granted, that last message comes out less frequently.)

The New Normaltakes all of these messages and runs with them. (Again, not so much the wife murder part.) Bryan and David, while both successful, committed and publically out gay men, still face prejudice about their lives and their relationship. Their surrogate’s grandmother berates them constantly for being immoral in an “it’s only funny because she’s old” kind of way. Adorable preternaturally aware moppet Shania voices every message about staying true to yourself in such a black and white way that if it were done any less over-the-top, children’s programming would be forced to pick it up. As such, for all its novelty in telling a story about two gay men that aren’t presented according to most stereotypes, this is still a show that generally screams when it should suggest.

And that brings me to the point about subtlety. In a recent episode, David, a former Eagle Scout in his youth, gets excited for the chance to volunteer with a friend’s Boy Scout troop. David spends much of the episode waxing rhapsodic about how important being a scout was to him growing up and how much he looks forward to sharing those experiences with his own son, now just weeks away from being born. We all know where this is going – halfway through the episode David learns that his Eagle Scout has been revoked after someone in the troop reported David’s sexual orientation to the Boy Scouts of America.

"Sorry, Jimmy - I'd love to be your successful, knowledgeable, moral template, but the person I love has a penis."

Though initially none of the other adult male troop leaders will own up to being the one who reported him (one’s excuse for why it couldn’t be him? “I would kill to be gay. So much more sex, so much less listening.”), one finally comes forward to tell the truth. When he does, he gives voice to one of the few positions that I’ve ever seen out of a Ryan Murphy show that felt like it was strong enough to stand on its own without all the neon flashing “MESSAGE” lights. The Scout Leader tells David that he really likes him and really admires everything David has – successful job, nice home, loving partner and strong family. The Scout Leader says that he overheard his son say that he wanted to grow up to be like David one day, and the Leader confesses what a good thing that would be – only with a woman, not a man.

“I’m not homophobic,” the Scout Leader tells David. “I want my son to have everything that you do. I just don’t want him to do it the way you do. I want him to be normal.”

In allowing a nice, compassionate and relatable character, rather than some frothing monster straight out of the Westboro Baptist Church, to make an argument against homosexuality, Murphy actually makes the most impactful argument for gay rights out there. The Scout Leader is kind, civic-minded and, most importantly, not evil. He really believes that homosexuality is wrong, but in a way that doesn’t look like someone who would want to beat a person up and leave him tied to a fence. It’s important to understand that the Scout Leader character makes this speech in a non-threatening, apologetic kind of way. He believes he’s the hero of this side of history, standing up for what’s right even against someone who he admires and respects.

"One of you denies me and one of you betrays me with a kiss. Er, I mean..."

In that way, it shows how ridiculous it is to hide homophobia behind phrases like “I’m not homophobic.” People who are misguided can be really nice, really thoughtful and really desirable people to be around. But “nice” doesn’t preclude “wrong.” The pivot to this more nuanced message was refreshing. It was Macklemore to Murphy's usual Lady Gaga. In fact, the subtlety of this message is so profound, that I was really surprised to see it in one of Murphy’s shows.  

Though I don’t like quoting Bill Maher that often, I do really like one of his phrases: “you can’t become so tolerant that you begin to tolerate intolerance.” Which is a way of saying that we need to point out hypocrisy when we see it, but we need to do it in a way that doesn’t generate more hypocrisy. By making the homophobic character a nice one, not a melodramatic villain, The New Normal took a step toward doing that.

I hope the light hand that Murphy and company used in this episode is a sign that they can do more of it, especially since American Horror Story is a show that I started watching just to enjoy the train wreck that I was convinced it was going to be (AND. IT. WAS.) and kept watching because it turns out I actually really liked it. I’m a big believer that entertainment can be educational and, like all good stories, can be something that shapes those who listen or watch it for better. Here’s hoping for more opportunities for that from these shows.

Hannibal

There's no lambs screaming, no fava beans, and no bars holding back Hannibal Lecter from the world.

In NBC's new drama, Hannibal, everything old is new again, and we return to a time prior to The Silence of the Lambs to learn about Hannibal's first interactions with the FBI and the criminal profiler, Will Graham.

Hannibal's Cooking Tip #45: always take pride in a well-prepared meal.

If all this is sounding familiar, it should. The basic plot of the tv show Hannibal is drawn from Thomas Harris' first Hannibal Lecter novel, Red Dragon. It was initially adapted into a 1986 film, Manhunter, which starred William Peterson of CSI fame and Brian Cox.   After the success of movie version of The Silence of the Lambs (the sequel to the novel Red Dragon), Red Dragon the book was remade as Red Dragon the movie in 2002 with Anthony Hopkins as Lecter, Edward Norton as Graham, and Ralph Fiennes (he's so dreamy!).

Got all that? 

The point is that Hannibal the tv show is covering ground that is very familiar to fans of Harris' novels and movie adaptions. And yet there were enough new touches to the material that it watching it didn't make me feel bored or tired, in fact, I found the pilot fascinating, harrowing, and as grisly as any of the other versions of the story.

First, let's get to the basics: (from the NBC website)

One of the most fascinating literary characters comes to life on television for the first time: psychiatrist-turned-serial-killer, Dr. Hannibal Lecter. In this new drama based on the characters from Thomas Harris' classic novels, we see where this incredible story began. Will Graham (Hugh Dancy, "The Big C") is a gifted criminal profiler who is on the hunt for a serial killer with the FBI. Graham's unique way of thinking gives him the astonishing ability to empathize with anyone - even psychopaths. He seems to know what makes them tick. But when the mind of the twisted killer he's pursuing is too complicated for even Will to comprehend, he enlists the help of Dr. Lecter, one of the premier psychiatric minds in the country. Armed with the uncanny expertise of the brilliant doctor, Will and Hannibal (known as a serial killer only to the audience) form a brilliant partnership and it seems there's no villain they can't catch. If Will only knew...

Despite the title of the show, Hannibal Lecter doesn't make an appearance in the pilot episode until half way through. Instead, the audience spends time with Will Graham, the FBI criminal profiler who is asked by Jack Crawford, the head of the FBI's Behavioral Science Unit (played by Laurence Fishbourne!) to help track down the most elusive and most batshit insane of serial killers. Graham is an interesting creature--he is most definitely not a people person and rates his social skills on the Asperger and autistic side of the spectrum. But he has an uncanny ability to see think like a killer. He's portrayed by Hugh Dancy, who I always found to be overrated, but I admit that I was completely won over by his performance. Despite being one of society's "others," I found myself able to connect with Will as a character. It also doesn't hurt that he has a penchant for rescuing stray dogs. Nothing like some well-placed doggies to win over the lady viewers.

Wearing glasses makes me look smart and bookish! Now watch my awkward social interactions...hold on to your panties, ladies.

And then we have Hannibal. You might recognize the actor, Mads Mikkelsen, as the Bond villain in Casino Royale, and the Denmark-born actor certainly has a gift for appearing sinister. The audience is clued in from the very start of Hannibal's cannibalistic ways (just in case you missed that memo), but none of the other characters know....yet.

The most interesting part about the tv version of Hannibal is the character's mysterious motivation. Sure, Hannibal loves a good puzzle, but it seems clear he is more interested in understanding Will Graham than understanding the killers he hunts. Other than that we aren't really told why Hannibal would spend time hunting down other killers--unless he is hoping to pick up some new tricks. I'm VERY curious to see where the relationship between Hannibal and Graham leads and how long the show will continue before Graham learns of Hannibal's....shall we say, hobbies.

This might be my favorite promo photo for a show EVER.

Network tv now has to compete with cable channels that are offering more mature and well-funded fare (example: Game of Thrones, Mad Mem).  I've noticed that we are seeing similar ambitious stories on network television and Hannibal follows this trend. The show looks beautiful and has a very cinematic quality. It's also fairly gory and disturbing for typical prime time network fare--but I find that kind of adult storytelling compelling, as long as it isn't violence for violence sake (looking at you, Criminal Minds). You can go pretty much anywhere for a standard crime procedural these days, but Hannibal doesn't follow the same old formula. It's more about the mind than the body, and exploring the way a sick mind works. It's intriguing, mysterious, and left me guessing. In short: I'm hooked.

Some more points:

--you might want to use closed captioning when watching. Hannibal's accent is occasionally incomprehensible.

--keep your Pillow of Fear (trademark Caroline) handy to hide behind during some of the scarier parts. The finale of the pilot episode was particularly heart-pounding.

--the second episode has OMG GILLIAN ANDERSON!

Hannibal airs Thursdays at 10pm on NBC.