The True Death

Our long, sexy, national nightmare is over.  This past summer, perennial WTF generator True Blood finally met the True Death and concluded a seven season-long run on HBO.  And while I can’t say that I’ll really miss the show, I am going to miss always knowing that there was something on TV that would make me shake my head and mutter, “well, okay…” 

True Blood started ridiculously strong back in 2007.  In an era where every single story emphasized the misunderstood, sympathetic, chaste, teenage nature of vampires, True Blood’s malicious, randy bloodsuckers were a breath of fresh air.  There was no “romantic” staring into each other’s eyes scenes, no “they just don’t understand us” soliloquies set to classical music.   You got the sense that the entire cast and crew of the show read about 30 pages of an Anne Rice novel and said to themselves, “well this is boring as hell” and then immediately got to filming a butt sex scene while covered in blood.

YES!

Because the show’s mission was always to showcase adults, the initial storylines functioned as a mature, if telegraphed, metaphor not for growing up or some other theme ripped from Joss Whedon’s notes, but for social issues like racism, anti-gay bigotry, and the American South’s continuing struggles emerging into the 21^st century.  (Sorry, southern readers.  You know it’s true.)  And while the show was never subtle about its issues (the opening credits featured a billboard sign reading “God hates fangs”), it made up for its lack of grace with original storytelling and fresh visuals that hadn’t been used before.  If you haven’t seen the show, the first time a vampire is staked it will make your mouth fall open. 

The first season featured an erstwhile murder mystery as a framing story to introducing us to a world where vampires have “come out of the coffin” (what is this thing you call subtlety?) and organized, more or less, under two factions – those who want to integrate into society and live among humans thanks to a new synthetic substance called True Blood that mimics human blood thus negating the need for vampires to feed off humans, and those vampires who still believe that they are the superior race and that humans should be subjugated, not cohabitated with.  Later seasons ran with this tension, showing more and more about how vampire society worked and the ways in which the rest of the world had adapted or not, including the rise of “fangbangers” who are humans who have a sexual proclivity with vampires and drinking blood and even vampire-focused legal offices that only operate at night and help vampires who have been undead for many years figure out what their legal rights are to property owned while they were living.  Add that to a healthy dose of graphic sexuality, and you're at least going to be entertained for an hour each week. 

Did I mention the ho-yay?

All of this world-building made for fascinating watching.  Even as the show began to jump off the rails around its fourth or fifth season, seeing how the creators imagined how the most mundane aspects of everyday life would be managed in a world where vampires were real (a specialty airline service with UV-blocking windows caters to the vampires who wish to travel abroad) was always still interesting.  And if you couldn’t get into the subplots involving werewolves, fairies, shapeshifters, or witches, you always at least had the recurring southern gothic drama between the townspeople of Bon Temps, Louisiana, to keep you occupied. 

Unlike the characters, however, True Blood was not destined for an eternal life and began to age.  Plotlines got more and more ridiculous, the show developed an unhealthy tendency toward melodrama such that the speechifying and campy grandstanding of the later seasons stand in stark contrast to the more nuanced and, at times, genuinely scary first few seasons.  Where the first two seasons played with the audience’s expectations about reality and mystery, the show in its later life preferred to keep strictly to over-the-top plot contrivances and characters behaving like characters instead of people. 

An assemblance of well-developed, three-dimensional characters that were sadly never seen again after season three. 

Nothing is more illustrative of this trend that season seven’s insistence upon finding a way to bring lead characters Sookie and Bill back together.  True Blood was premised on the story of diner waitress Sookie Stackhouse falling in love with Bill Compton, a nearly 200-year-old vampire who is the first of his kind to make himself known to humans in his small Louisiana town.  Sookie and Bill remained the show’s primary couple for the first three years before starting to breakdown in season four.  By the start of the final season, it is well established that both characters have moved on, however the writers couldn’t resist the chance for an easy bookend and piled on the nostalgia to create a final story arc where both characters realize that they are Meant To Be or something.  This is particularly remarkable considering that neither character in the novels that serve as the show’s source material ever comes to any similar consideration.  Thanks, Hollywood. 

The final season is slightly mitigated by sheer number of Easter Eggs tossed in to appease long-time viewers.   The return of several fan-favorite characters, as well as the reunification of several others, helped to send the show off properly even if several other major characters, Tara and Alcide being the two most prominent, are given some of the most abrupt write-offs in the history of television.

So Hail and Farewell, True Blood.  I won’t miss your convoluted storylines, but I will miss Eric.  I won’t miss your unfortunate tendency toward saccharine storytelling, but I will most definitely miss Pam.  Actually, thinking on it, Pam is the thing I’m going to miss the most.  Someone get Kristin Bauer van Straten a pilot, STAT.  Meanwhile, I remain confident that television audiences have not lost their taste for WTF programming.  In any case, Salem is going to have some large, bloody shoes to fill.

Oh, Pam.  You can keep sassing me/slitting my throat for another ten seasons. 

The Strain

My friend, GeekNomad, and I are both fans of Guillermo del Toro's The Strain Trilogy of books (though she liked it better than I did). When I heard that FX was turning the books into a television series, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. Did we really need another series about vampires? The books explored a different and frankly, darker, outcome of the vampirism-as-virus genre, but I wasn't sure how that would translate to a network television series. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem as if it worked out that well. Here to fill you in on the good and bad of FX's newest drama series is our new guest poster, GeekNomad!

A caveat before we begin: I loved the book The Strain. It has that kind of slow, sinister creep that makes you turn on all the lights in your house while you’re reading.

Like his more famous work, Pan’s Labyrinth, Guillermo del Toro’s horror/vampire/we’reallgonnadie trilogy started out with a seemingly straightforward, if depressing premise (plane full of dead people on a JFK tarmac, girl and mother in the clutches of a sadistic fascist) and spun a web to pull you in. Slowly. Carefully.

He let’s you think that everything might turn out ok...and then slowly it unravels. And you learn about the heart. The history. The creeping terror.

The TV version has opted to forego the slow descent into horror for the tried and true approach - gore and noise. And a really daft voiceover on the intro and finale. Rather than let the audience lean forward slowly in their seats as they’re sucked into the story, the director grabs us and tries to force us to pay attention, to care. It doesn’t necessarily work, which is a great disappointment.

From FX:

The Strain is a high concept thriller that tells the story of "Dr. Ephraim Goodweather," the head of the Center for Disease Control Canary Team in New York City. He and his team are called upon to investigate a mysterious viral outbreak with hallmarks of an ancient and evil strain of vampirism. As the strain spreads, Eph, his team, and an assembly of everyday New Yorkers, wage war for the fate of humanity itself.

The TV version opens onto the interior of the doomed plane. Following a distracting and hokey voiceover regarding the power of love, we follow a nice, capable flight attendant (she talks to a child and speaks French, naturally) to the back of the plane, where her hysterical colleague tells her there’s something living in the plane (of course there is, you’re in a horror show). Disbelief, followed by loud screaming ensues as something makes its way out from the storage by force. Yelling, screaming, and cut.

Boring.

The book starts differently, with a horror story told to Setrakian ("Professor Abraham Setrakian is a dedicated (and perhaps fanatical) vampire hunter for over six decades. He is an expert on vampire biology and destruction, and recruits Eph to his cause." --Maggie Cats) by his grandmother, and a snippet of the black box recording. No screams. No loud bangs. Just a quiet, sinister creep. Why the show couldn’t have started there, with the next scene, of the air traffic controllers realizing something is horribly wrong, is beyond me. To borrow from the book, “...she had a fleeting yet palpable sensation of standing in the presence of a dragon-like beast. A sleeping dragon only pretending to be asleep, yet capable, at any moment of opening its eyes and its terrible mouth...And she understood it then, unequivocally: something in there was going to eat her...” Suspense, not violence.

It would have worked.

And then the scene with Setrakian and the thugs, followed by Setrakian and his weak heart. The thugs, yes, and necessary for later. But the heart? Why take all the mystery out of it? Putting that out in the first episode is like laying your cards on the table in Las Vegas. The book waited, before drawing us in to Setrakian’s hidden world behind the storefront. Let him keep a little mystery for goodness’ sake.

Some of the scenes are good - Dr. Goodweather pwning the other acronym agencies and securing first rights onto the plane, Setrakian pwning the thugs... But it just feels a little rushed, like the director wanted to hurry us to the next scene where they spoil things for the rest of the book. Hurry up and get to the power hungry guy with the dialysis machine. Hurry up and get to the ATC guy getting eaten/pounded by the Dementor. No suspense. Shock, not horror.

No seriously, the vampire is THIS big.

But all that said, I’ll keep watching. I feel like I owe it to the books. The story itself is good. The acting is spot on. Corey Stoll does a fantastic job, with hair this time, of the good but flawed guy trying to do his best in a bad situation.

Thankfully, unlike his House of Cards character, you think he might have a chance at it. Sean Astin/Samwise Gamgee, proves to be a bit less trustworthy than his Hobbity past, which is refreshing, though, again, draw it out a little, damnit. I keep expecting Setrakian to carry around a red-eyed cat instead of a cane sword, but that’s hardly his fault. The acting by the lead women has been good, if limited, and I could do without the tropes of the naughty librarian/scientist (glasses on = work, glasses off = let’s talk about our relationship) and the unfeeling/distant wife.

I’m just hoping that the director will drink less coffee, give his audience a bit more credit, and slow the heck down. Give me suspense. Give me horror. Give me nightmares.

The Strain airs Sundays at 10:00PM EST on FX.  The first episode is available for viewing on the FX website.

You'll see a lot of similarities between these vampires and those of del Toro's Blade 2. Mostly that they are really really gross.

HBO Round-Up

 **Spoilers for the season finale of Game of Thrones and season premiere of True Blood*

It seems to defy belief that the fourth season of Game of Thrones would end and nobody here at TV Sluts would comment on it. I mean, we commented on it to other people in our daily lives, but just not to you guys. Not because we don't love you, but because you would be surprised how hard it is to coordinate the schedules of several working adults to figure out a time when an online chat can take place.

So instead of a patented TV Sluts GOT chat, you'll just have to make do with little old me, sharing some thoughts.

First thought: WOW.

This season has been my favorite by far, and not just because we are into some real meaty plot stuff, but because it is also the season that has deviated the most from the books. Not in any real substantive way, but in some amazing character moments and relationships and yes, even some minor changes in the plot.

Remember this guy from the book? YEAH, ME NEITHER.

So despite having read all the books several times, I was still on the edge of my seat throughout the finale. Scenes like the Hound. vs. Brienne throw-down (not in the book) had me filled with anxiety because I had no idea what was going to happen! That must be how watching the entire show is for others. How do y'all take the pressure??

Even when I knew what was going to happen, such as the Tyrion--Shae--Tywin scene, everything was so well done and acted that I was peeking through my fingers because of the tension. Tywin Lannister, the most powerful person in Westeros, killed by his son on the shitter....oh, excuse me, the privy. Classic.

"Lord Tywin Lannister, did not, in the end, shit gold."

I don't want to go through and just rehash the finale with comments like "wasn't that cool?!?" because the whole thing was cool. This show just keeps getting better and better, and despite all the horror, death, and pain of the fourth season, they even managed to end on a hopeful note with Arya sailing off to a new life across the sea.

*cue "awwwwws" from the crowd*

....and as they say, out with the old and in with the new! With the conclusion of Game of Throne's most recent season, we get the premiere of True Blood's seventh and final season.

It seems like I might have been the only person who was excited for the True Blood premiere. Everybody I would ask "are you watching True Blood???" would look at me weird and respond with something along the lines of, "oh, I stopped watching X number of years ago." This saddens me, because I still find the show wildly entertaining. Silly, no doubt, but still entertaining.

The season premiere last Sunday followed a typical True Blood pattern. We started off with a bang, checked in with all the characters, laid the groundwork for the season to come, and had to make due with some meh plots.

There was no waiting for the action in the premiere; we opened the show right where we left off, with a horde of hepatitis V infested vampires attacking (and kidnapping and killing) many of the poor citizens of Bon Temps.

And then....we flash over to Tara's gross mother, who, in an astounding act of grace in last season's finale, finally "fed" and "nourished" her daughter by allowing Tara to drink her blood. And Tara's mother is weeping over a big pile of vampire goo that is....Tara. Yep, apparently Tara died. And off screen!

Clean up in aisle 3. 

Of course, I immediately call bullshit. No way True Blood is going to kill a major character without some more fanfare. But then I read this article by my favorite tv author, Jacob (who used to write amazing recaps for Television Without Pity). Jacob raises the most excellent point that the show has basically shit all over Tara's character since the second season, so Tara's potential death feels more likely. Sadly. Despite Tara's kind of...I dunno, uselessness? to the overall plot aside from being the person who wanders off and gets in trouble or yells at everyone a lot, I've always liked the character. Probably because the actress does such a great job, but still. Tara deserved better. 

Though like I said...if she ends up coming back in some fashion, I definitely won't be surprised.

The episode set things up nicely for the season: all the show's most annoying characters are locked in the Fangtasia basement getting eaten one by one by the infected vampires. Sookie is still making stupid decisions (wandering off in a huff when she KNOWS there is a pack of evil vampires close by) but somehow still being awesome and banging Alcide so at least girlfriend has made one good choice. Jessica is quickly becoming one of my favorites through her bravery in protecting half-fairy Adilyn, Andy has shown some of the best character development in the last seven years of any character I can think of, Bill is....well nobody really cares about Bill, right? Except his book does sound like something I would TOTALLY read.

This is totally my next book club pick. My Mom is gonna love it.

There are more characters and subplots then you can shake a stick at, but it seems like this year True Blood has finally hit upon a main story that affects everyone on the show and is driving everyone towards related goals. Except for one notable exception.

Pam spent the premiere wandering around "exotic foreign" backlot sets in her search for Erik. We haven't seen hide (and what a nice hide it is) nor hair of him since he burst into flames on the side of a Swedish mountain last year. I love that Pam is looking for him, especially after he released her from the maker bond, but dear god, I am already bored with this plot.

Bring Erik back. NOW.

But that one flaw aside, I am very excited for what the final season holds. I haven't read the Sookie Stackhouse books so have no idea how things end up there and no expectations or hopes for how things end up on the tv show. As always with True Blood, the best strategy is just to enjoy the ride. Silly as it may be.

Erik is always starting fires. IN MY PANTS.

Oh, great--more vampires.

Back in September 2012 (a younger, gentler time), I told you that FX was developing a new vampire television series based on the The Strain trilogy of novels, by Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan.

Guess what? FX has ordered a 13 episode first season of the series which will air on FX in July 2014.

Call me crazy, but there's nothing particularly scary about this title art--it could just be normal NYC subway graffiti.

Some interesting things about the show: del Toro and Hogan wrote the pilot episode (promising) and del Toro directed the pilot (very promising). Carlton Cruse of LOST fame will act as the show-runner. This last piece of news doesn't have me quite as excited--sure, Cruse's current work over on Bates Motel is great, but we all know LOST went off the rails there at the end. And with his fingers in so many pies (Cruse is also working with ABC to create a series called Point of Honor set in Civil War-era Virginia and ANOTHER vampire series, The Returned, with A&E), does he really have the time to run another show?

But, whatever. The big question here is do we really need or want another vampire-themed television show? Y'all know I am a vampire fan, but even I am starting to get a burned out with True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, The Originals, and Dracula (and those are just off the top of my head). I read The Strain book series and enjoyed it--though they weren't without their problems. So the concept doesn't exactly light me on fire with eager anticipation. For those not in the know, here is a plot intro:

A plane lands at John F. Kennedy International Airport with lights off and doors sealed. Epidemiologist Dr. Ephraim Goodweather and his team are sent to investigate. On board they find two hundred corpses and four survivors. The situation deteriorates when the bodies begin disappearing from morgues. Goodweather and a small group of helpers find themselves battling to protect not only their own loved ones, but the entire city, from an ancient threat to humanity.

On a positive note, the novels don't shy away from the likely realities of a vampire outbreak (let's just say things get dark pretty quickly and go really bad for the humans), but the whole vampirism as a virus isn't anything new. And I think I read somewhere that del Toro has come out and said that The Strain was basically an attempt to rehash the ideas and themes he had for Blade 2 that were crushed down by the movie studios.

Much like the vampires in Blade 2 (pictured), The Stain vampires have mandibles and a stinger that transmits "the vampire virus." There's also lots more gross stuff about how you make a vampire, but I will let you discover that on your own.

I am going to do my best to withhold judgment until you show actually airs. I am sure I'll be first in line to watch it...but I remain skeptical that it will actually bring anything new to the genre.

Bram Stoker is rolling over in his grave.

After months and months of anticipation here on the blog, NBC's Dracula has finally aired! As fans of all things vampire and ridiculous, Arsenic Pie and I were not about to let this occasion pass without a conversation discussing the show. So sit back and relax while we let you know whether Dracula is worth your time. 

Oh, and the pilot episode featured a plot twist at the end; I have marked our conversation of said twist with spoiler tags. 

Maggie: So: what did you think of Dracula?

Arsenic: Well I appreciate the Downton Abbeyness of it all. They've got great costumes, and Sir Anthony is on the show, being his usual douchey self. I literally laughed out loud when I saw him. All they need is Maggie Smith making snarky comments about the action.

Maggie: I think this is going to fall in the "hate-watch" category for me.

Arsenic: Oh, totes. It is ridonkulous.

Maggie: It's kind of terrible, but I can't look away.

Arsenic: I think all Dracula stuff I've ever seen has been a total train wreck, but this is unapologeticaly bad. 

Maggie: Here is my main complaint: there are too many unnecessary plot additions. Because you know what the Dracula story is really missing? A subplot about reliance on petroleum as an energy source versus geo-magnetic power.

Ew, get that science away from me!

Arsenic: The novel is a little light on taking down Big Oil. (SPOILER) I don't get why Dracula is suddenly a good guy who is working with Van Helsing. (END SPOILER).

Maggie: I don't think you could call Dracula a "good guy" though.

Arsenic: Well, he's the lesser of two evils because according to the show, he's working against a big corporation. He's like a 99 percenter who sucks blood and kills people

Maggie: Yeah, the killing people thing is kind of a sticking point. I usually love me some secret societies, but this whole Order of Dragon is so unexplained it is kind of laughable. What do they stand for? Why did they kill Drac's wife 200 years ago? What are they doing now other than being rich jackasses? Instead of "setting up mysteries" it's more like "we forgot to mention it in the pilot."

Arsenic: And I'm all for strong female characters and all,but my historical accuracy meter went off when I saw that Mina is somehow in med school.

Maggie: OMG YES what the hell?

Arsenic: In Victorian England? How??

Maggie: And nobody even bats an eye of course. Because her Dad is a famous doctor or something. PLEASE.

Arsenic: How did that happen?

Maggie: This is clearly some network suit being like, we need to make Mina a "strong" woman or the vaginas will bitch at us on twitter.

Arsenic: Those vajays be naggin'. And Mina isn't a strong character. She's meant to be an ingenue.

Maggie: Excellent point. And there are other ways to make her have a strong presence rather than some ridiculousness about her being in medical school.

Arsenic: Yeah, I don't buy that. No one would have been okay with that.

Maggie: Let's talk about Drac himself. Usually I hate Jonathan Rhys Meyers, but darn if he wasn't actually pretty good. Except for the American accent. DEAR GOD. It is terrible. And why is he pretending to be American? It makes NO SENSE.

Arsenic: He's good in this because he's playing total douche. I can't stand him unless he's being a douche because I feel that's his natural state. And yes, WHY is he American? That makes no sense. If it became clear in production that he couldn't nail the accent then it should have been time for a rewrite.

Maggie: Agreed. Just make him British and have him coming from India or something so he needs to be introduced to society.

Arsenic: Oh, and I loved how Jack the Ripper was ACTUALLY a vampire. Actually a fact. "Oh the trouble it took to clean up that mess." It was a total non sequitor and it made no effing sense.

Maggie: It's all a cover-up! Perpetrated by the same shadowy secret society that....well, we don't really know what else they do. Because it has in no way been established.

Arsenic: I feel like, and one of the reviews I read touched on this, that they can't use the Knights Templar because that's overdone, so they used something else. But still it's really stupid.

Maggie: I just don't understand what the society DOES. They burned heretics or something 200 years ago? But that doesn't mean anything. Who HASN'T?

Arsenic: I mean really. I thought that was a normal weekend in 1600s Europe. My mistake.

Maggie: So one change that I do like: Renfield.

Arsenic: I like him. He's enjoyable. I feel like he's the only likable character.

Maggie: I'll take quietly snarky over bug-eating batshit crazy any day of the week. I hope he ends up the hero of the show.

Arsenic: I can't stand Lucy. She's usually just a dumb blonde and here she's slightly more interesting with that actress. Mina is just a fainting flower with a ludicrous plotline.

Maggie: We will see what happens with Lucy. I mean, we kind of know from the book she shacks up with Drac, but hopefully she will play some purpose other than blood bag.

Arsenic: And Harker is a milquetoast, let's face it.

Maggie: He's better than Keanu though.

Arsenic: And I'm the tallest person at a midget convention. He is better. That actor fits the part better than Keanu.

Maggie (SPOILER) I know we already dropped this spoiler bomb, but the Van Helsing working with Dracula took me by surprise. And it didn't piss me off which also surprised me. I am interested to see where this goes.

Arsenic: It doesn't bother me, either, but I'm not a huge fan of the book. Maybe if I fangirled Bram Stoker I'd be more pissed. (END SPOILER)

Maggie: I just thought it was interesting, since they are so linked as enemies in pop culture. But since Dracula needs a hunter, thank goodness we have the blonde Lady Jane ninja.

Arsenic: It was like suddenly it was a kung fu movie. Oh, and why was Drac's fight on the rooftop in slo-mo??

Maggie: I think they were trying to be all 300 with it. It didn't work.

Arsenic: You save the slo-mo for epic battle scenes. Fighting a chimney sweep on the roof is not an epic battle.

Maggie: That guy was kind of shitty vampire hunter, to be honest.

Arsenic: I almost expected Mary Poppins to pop in. THAT'S the movie we should make.

Maggie: Dracula and Mary Poppins: Thunderdome. 

Arsenic: Mary Poppins: Vampire Slayer. I would pay to see that.

Maggie: To Kickstarter!

Arsenic: Let's make this happen!

Maggie: We just need some celebrity endorsements. I bet Dick Van Dyke would be down. Ok, we have gone off the rails a bit.

Step in time, motherfuckers.

Maggie: Any final thoughts?

Arsenic: I think there's not much else to say. It's silly.

Maggie: I'll give it a few more episodes, but mostly because I feel that I HAVE to watch something called "Dracula" as a vampire genre fan.

Arsenic: And I can't tell yet if it knows it it's silly or if it doesn't and it's taking itself very seriously.

Maggie: I think the later, which is kind of the problem.

Arsenic: Like Sleepy Hollow knows it's kinda silly.

Maggie: Exactly!

Arsenic: It's there. It's in on the joke.

Maggie: Are you going to stick with Dracula?

Arsenic: I don't know. Honestly, that whole Victorian murder spree stuff doesn't appeal to me. OH, but DID YOU KNOW...that experiment Drac did at the beginning was actually something Nikola Tesla did? So Drac = Tesla

Maggie:  When he was dissing Edison and Tesla, I was like, "oh no he didn't!

Arsenic: Oh, he went there.

Maggie: We'll see what The Oatmeal has to say about this.

Arsenic: The show's just trying too hard.

Maggie: Agreed.

Arsenic: I might tune in again just because it's so fucking funny.

Maggie: I think the takeaway is: if you enjoy hate-watching or drunk-watching, this is the show for you. If not, avoid.

Arsenic: I agree.

Maggie: Hurray, we agree!

Arsenic: It's a good thing to watch among friends when you are all drunk or feeling particularly snarky.

Maggie: if you ever come visit we will get drunk and watch it.

Arsenic: TOTES.


Dracula airs Friday nights at 10:00pm on NBC.

Season Finale! And the Fangirls Wept...

Midday in the Garden of Good and Evil plotlines. Alcide has apparently remembered that he used to be a character that we liked because he graciously offers to join Sookie as she walks home from Terry’s funeral and contemplates mortality, right and wrong, why she wore high heels, etc. The flirty eyes are on full display and just might continue even though Sookie is supposedly trying to remember which creature of the night she’s going to make an undying promise to when they overhear the newly freed vampires stumbling back to Bill’s house, still high as a punch of pale kites. And fucking each other in Bill’s lawn. But in a Summer-of-Love-Peace-Out-Brother kind of way, so it’s beautiful. Or something.

"Come on people, now - Smile on your brother. Everybody get together, just don't eat one another right now..."

Sookie approaches when the vamps are literally jitterbugging. And that’s not a metaphor. Although I suppose some of them probably were alive during the 1920s, so it’s not that odd that they’d still want to cut a rug, old style. Next they start burning their prison uniforms, completely unable to understand what time they live in. Violet is feeding off Jason and offering him her blood, which Jason accepts willingly until Sookie stops them. Despite being initially upset that Jason never mentioned a sister (because their relationship up until this point has been about sharing?), Violet is suddenly overtaken by the need to make out with Sookie before letting Sookie and Jason talk. Jason tells Sookie that he might be in love with Violet and wants to be with her forever as Sookie gets more and more emo about the meaning of that word. 

Back in the Faerie dimension, Ben is hearing wedding bells and has prepared a Maypole for their wedding ceremony. Ben’s having a hard time understanding how a funeral for a friend is making Sookie feel less excited about her upcoming nuptials despite the reasonable argument that if they’re going to be together forever, maybe going out on a few dates before the wedding is order. And that’s when Ben slaps Sookie so hard she falls to the ground.

It’s not that we haven’t all wanted to hit Sookie at some point, but you’re not making the case for Husband of the Year here.

VampireCamp has become Vampire Summer Camp as the vamps all play volleyball in the sun. Violet is having a case of “Bitch stay away from my man” jealousy with Jessica talking to Jason. Pam meanwhile, wants to be into it but is missing Eric and wants to go after him, despite Tara trying to reason with her not to. Bill is also not appreciating the fun, staying inside and brooding over the fact that he doesn’t seem to have Lilith’s powers any longer. He’s also just now realizing that he pushed Sookie to Ben and that she’ll soon be a vampire and his wife and there’s nothing Bill can do about it. “You said you were Bill again,” Jessica tells him when he confesses this to her. “Bill Compton would have walked through fire to save her.”

Bill gathers Jessica, Violet and Jason and tells them about Sookie and Ben and that the only person who can get them all to Sookie in the Faerie dimension is Andy Bellefleur’s half fey daughter Adilyn. Arriving at the Bellefleur house, Jason is welcomed in but problems arise when Violet confesses that she needs to be invited in, sending everyone into a perfectly understandable panic. Violet tries to calm them down by insisting that she only feeds off Jason. “We’re monogamous,” she explains. Jason begs Adilyn to help Sookie, who agrees after listening to Jason’s thoughts and understanding how genuinely he wants to save Sookie. Andy only agrees if he’s allowed to come too and can bring his vampire armory.

In Faerieland, Ben has bound Sookie to the Maypole and monologues about he was meant to be with Sookie and be faerie royalty, but Lilith took it all. Also, turns out he really just wants to (in his words) “fuck you, and own you, and use you for your blood.” Cue the biting as Sookie screams, but suddenly hears Adilyn call to her. In our world, the A-Team has arrived but Adilyn isn’t sure how to open the portal. “I’m, like, two weeks old!” she reminds the rest of them when they express exasperation at this. Bill tries some new age coaching about connecting with the earth but it doesn’t work. Theorizing that maybe Adilyn needs to be afraid to use her powers, Violet obliges, attacking Adilyn and causing the portal to open and everyone to be taken into it.

The gang arrives and the Vamp Fight begins! Ben and Bill fight while the rest of the team grabs Sookie and brings her back to our world, leaving Bill to continue the fight until Ben opens the portal himself and brings them both back as well, knocking Bill unconscious in the process. Ben finds the rest of the gang at Sookie’s house and proceeds to take them down, one by one. Ben can enter Sookie’s house, but Bill can’t, leaving Ben to lock Jason, Adilyn and Andy in the basement. Ben finds Sookie upstairs in the bathroom and is about to move in when who should reappear but Grandpa! Grandpa finally breaks through that dimensional portal Ben threw him into so many episodes ago just in time to hold Ben in place so Jason can stake him good and proper.

Three cheers for Rutger Hauer, ladies and gentlemen!

As Ben disintegrates into a pile of radioactive red goo and Jason, Sookie and Grandpa rejoice in their winnings, all the vampires who drank Ben’s blood begin to glow, seeing their ability to go out in the sun removed from them. Good thing it’s night, right? Well, true, but here’s the funny thing about time zones – when it’s nighttime in Louisiana, it’s high noon in Sweden, which is where Eric has gone to go sunbathing in the nude. That sound you hear? That’s the sound of millions of fangirls crying out as Eric Northman, sex symbol of True Blood, erupts in flames and burns, presumably to his death. Personally, I'll believe it when I see next season's cast list.

This picture and the gifs of him standing up full frontal and bursting into flames are literally making up about half of the internet right now. 

Cut to six months later and Lawrence O’Donnell (seriously) is giving a news report about new cases of mutated Hepatitis V being diagnosed and interviewing Bill, who’s the author of a new book about his experiences called And God Bled. Well done, publishing industry! Sookie watches the interview from home as Bill confesses to killing the Governor which he justifies as an action that’s understandable given that it was technically a biological weapon against a particular class of people. Yes, True Blood, I get it – Nazis were evil. Moving on… Alcide and Sookie are officially a couple that sexes each other all the time now. Violet has convinced Jason to redecorate his basement to be her girly bedroom, even if Violet will only let Jason go down on her and won’t let him take off his pants. Not very GGG, Violet.

Sam, meanwhile, has been elected Mayor and has organized a community-wide blood test at church one Sunday to see if anyone in Bon Temps is a carrier for Hep V. Predictably for the South, the Whites sit on one side and the Blacks on the other until the preachers convince everyone to mingle a bit. Sookie introduces herself to a young black girl named Crystal, who seems a little scared by the reverend’s sermon about “roving bands of hungry vampires” who are out to destroy small towns.  When Sam takes the podium, he outlines a plan that he and Bill have come up with – that night, the results of the blood tests will be available at Bellefleur’s Grill (the renamed Merlott’s) along with the good times that, as they are wont to do in Louisiana, shall roll. The catch is that every uninfected human will agree to let an uninfected vampire feed from them in exchange for protection for them and their families. This… doesn’t go over well, despite Sam’s insistence that “every single human needs and vampire and every vampire needs a human” in order to be safe in the Brave New World.

This is one of the only two times we see Lafayette in this episode. UNACCEPTABLE!

That night, the band plays, the people mingle, the food is eaten. Humans and (select) vampires together. Cats lay down with dogs. Both Alcide and Sookie share their negative results (Jesus, True Blood – pick a metaphor!) as Tara, the perpetually lonely single girl, confesses to Violet that she’s not sure she would pick any of the slobby men here. Dead or living, it’s always the same story for the sad girl at the party, isn’t it? Tara’s mother approaches her to apologize for 25 years of bad history between the two of them. Her mother confesses that she’s knows she’s guilty for neglecting Tara as she grew up, even forgetting at times to feed her as a child, but now she wants to make it right and offers her blood to her. Tara emotionally agrees, moving in to bite her mother. The entire scene is actually equal party squicky, frightening and sweet.

What? No Madonna and child imagery to go along with the VampireJesus? Missed opportunity, True Blood.

Adilyn and Andy, meanwhile, are watching Toddlers and Tiaras when the door knocks. It’s Jessica, who has come to offer both of them protection, but not for either of their blood. She tells them that she will keep them both safe, no strings attached. Andy considers shooting Jessica through the heart, but lets her go instead as Jessica stands guard outside their house in the dark.

Bill finds Sookie and Alcide leaving the party and offers protection to Sookie, saying Alcide isn’t good enough and that he’s changed and can be trusted. “Even at your best, I could never really trust you,” Sookie tells him. Just then, both Alcide and Bill pick up the scent of some approaching infected vampires looking to move into the party like it’s a buffet, which it kind of is. They are quickly joined by more and more infected vampires who all begin to move in.

And with that, vampire pop culture has finally grown out of its Anne Rice phase and moved back to the point where vampires are once again scary instead of sexy. I really, really hope this is the direction they move in for the seventh season (oh yes, there's going to be one) because it's beyond obvious to say that I think we've done the sexy vampire thing to death. 

True Blood was at its best when it began partially because it was one of the first of the post-Interview vampire stories in the public eye to at least partially embrace the vampire as, if not horrifying, at least dangerous. And not dangerous in an "Finally! A bad boy that I can take home to mom and dad because they'll hate him and his leather jacket and motorcycle" kind of way. True Blood has within it the potential to keep breaking new ground with vampires, even if the show has kind of lagged the past couple of years. 

Of course, you could also make the argument that the infected vampires shambling out of the bayou to devour the innocent party goers is less a stroke of originality and more an attempt to capitalize on another tired trend, the zombie story. But let's (perhaps foolishly) give it the benefit of the doubt until at least next summer and hope that scary, ugly vampires are finally coming back to us.

Praise Lilith!

You're The Love of My Life (At Least Until Next Season)

Okay, folks - only two more episodes to go. That circular white room the vamps keep worrying about is getting closer and closer and our plot lines are getting more and more complex. Also, remember this is True Blood - while there's no nudity, some of the images below may be risqué. Perhaps this is not the best blog post to show your kids. Unless they're evil. 

TD;DR: New vampire mistress Violet claims ownership of Jason leaving the other lady vamps unsure what to do. Alcide frees Nicole and her mother but before they can return home, Sam is able to sense that Nicole is pregnant with his child and tells her he loves her to keep her nearby. Jessica and Steve both are hot for new brooding vampire James and but to save himself, Steve tells Sarah that some of the vampires know the True Blood is tainted. Ben offers to save the vampires, but only if Sookie will become a vampire herself and marry him for eternity. Sookie eventually agrees, rationalizing that she can't fight destiny forever, however when she and Bill go to fetch Ben from the faerie world, Eric has gotten there first...

Recap: Don’t you hate awkward conversations? Don’t you hate awkward conversations with people you kinda don’t really like anyway? Don’t you hate awkward conversations with people you kinda don’t like over the melted bloody remains of your sibling and sometimes paramour? That’s the position Bill finds himself in as he watches Eric mourn Nora’s seriously disgusting death. Eric is less inclined to help Bill with his mission to save everyone, especially since Bill failed to bring Warlow back in time to save Nora. Though, really Eric, you’re thinking a little short considering you die in that vision of Bill’s. Anyway, there’s a lot of cry-yelling, some levitation, some talking trash about each other’s makers, a little questioning the divinity of everyone in the room, the usual before Eric flees.

Who hasn't been there after the death of our 300-year-old incestuous sibling/lover?

At the Oh God We’re Still In This Plotline werewolf camp, the “were-bitches” have had just about enough of Alcide not Nicole and her mother and opt to challenge Alcide for the position of Pack Master. Alcide really needs to think more about the women he has sex with; things never go well with them. Ricki (Nicki? Becki? I can’t recall her name) is betting that Alcide can beat her in a fight but won’t be able to kill her like Werewolf law says. I now find myself really hoping that if there is werewolf law, there are werewolf lawyers who study it. Please VampireJesus, make this a subplot for season seven. Anyway, she’s kinda right. Alcide successfully defends his position, but doesn’t kill her.

At VampCamp, the Mistress inmate is toying with Jason and there’s nothing Willa or Tara can do about it. “That bitch is a dog and he is her bone and she will fucking fuck us up if we fuck with her bone,” Tara summarizes it nicely. Jason confesses to the Mistress that the reason he’s in here is because he was getting sexy with Sarah Newlin and the Mistress devises a plan. She also tells Jason that he is now “hers”, meaning that she can feed off him as she likes. Jason’s worried about being passed around, but she tells him she doesn’t play that way because she’s Catholic. As in, medieval Catholic. So I guess as long as Jason’s not Jewish or trying to occupy the Holy Land or something, he’s okay?

Sookie returns to the Faerie land with Ben still restrained. Damn, sister – screw him and leave him chained to a tombstone. It’s the Bon Temps way, I suppose. Sookie wants Ben to use his blood to help save her vampire friends, yes, including Bill, which Ben isn’t exactly tickled about, even if Sookie is promising that she’ll make his safety a requirement. Ben agrees only on the condition that Sookie will be his, in the vampire way, forever. Sookie heads back to the real world to ponder, unaware that Eric has stumbled upon the gateway between the two dimensions and when he approaches, Ben is able to feel him. “Eternity?” she mutters as she walks away, oblivious. “He couldn’t ask me to go to the movies? It’s like men are incapable of just wanting to date me.”

Sex and the Bayou, starring Sookie Stackhouse

Jessica and James are enjoying their weirdly fully-clothed afterglow in the Vampire Conference Room (why so modest, True Blood?) and James wants to know what’s the story with her and Jason. Eric clearly isn’t the only one facing awkward conversations in this episode. They’re both ready for round two when the lovefest is broken up by two guards. As Jessica is being escorted, they conveniently encounter Pam coming out of her Shrink’s office. The Shrink, having abandoned all pretense at professionalism, is literally zipping up his pants when he asks the guard to take Pam back as well if he’s already going that way. Jessica is mildly appalled asking Pam how it was. “Boozy,” Pam admits, “but productive.”

Sam has come back to his restaurant (you know, the one with his name on it – guess he can’t really fault his waitresses for never making their shifts anymore) when Alcide finds him. Alcide has brought Nicole and her mother to Sam, saying his Pack days are done. Nicole and Sam put her mother to bed with an extra whiskey or two in her and in the process, Sam is able to smell something about Nicole. Intriguing… (Well, actually boring. But I at least applaud the writers for trying to do something with this.)

In the common area of VampCamp, True Blood is back on the menu! Only our heroes know that it’s contaminated, of course. Steve Newlin is hilariously threatened for his bottle and then tries to hit on James. Steve, I know prison sex is a huge theme in gay porn, but this is not going to go how you want it, trust me.  James, fool that he is, warns Steve not to drink the True Blood, thus assuring that this plotline will be foiled.

While considering the possibility of being Ben’s forever, Sookie remembers the first time Warlow tried to come into our reality. For those who never saw, it…wasn’t pleasant. Kind of like a horror movie, actually. In any case, clearly at odds with the attractive man she’s got tied up in a faerie dimension to occasionally have sex with.

Lady Vampire strategy session at VampCamp – turns out the Mistress is named Violet. That’s just because we got rid of two characters in two weeks, so clearly we need to stock back up. The ladies ask Pam to talk to Violet about keeping Jason safe, which leads to the first moment this episode that actually made me laugh out loud – Pam approaches the back wall of the common room which has chambers like a morgue where bodies are kept. Pam knocks on one of them and we hear Violet from inside yelling, “Fuck off, I’m eating” while she's noshing on Jason. I actually really love that in putting together VampCamp, they thought to store vampires in morgue slots in the wall. Well done, set designers.

Worst. Avon Calling. Ever.

The morning after the miserable murder, Arlene is beating herself up for being drunk in front of her kids while Lafayette makes her breakfast and the rest of the Bellfleurs offer their tea and sympathy. It’s sort of like the Golden Girls, honestly, only less cheesecake and more snipers and faerie daughters. I would watch a spinoff show about these people and their wacky madcap adventures is what I’m saying. For their first one, Lafayette tells Arlene about the life insurance policy. In her grief, Arlene’s thoughts indicate she blames herself and the faerie girls, which is overheard by Adilyn, who runs off. Yes, I would definitely watch this spinoff.

Sookie comes to Bill’s house. Bill, who’s just showing off by going outside in the daylight for the conversation, tells Sookie that his plan is to bring Ben to the VampCamp and give all the vampires some of his blood making them immune when the ceiling opens and they get flooded with sunlight. Why he wouldn’t also just, like, break them out seems unplanned at best, but whatever. Bill promises to keep Ben alive, if for no other reason than because they can’t synthesize his blood. Bill is getting short tempered, but Sookie tells him that Ben will only agree to help if he gets to make Sookie a vampire bride so maybe we all have shit that we have to think about, okay?

Sarah Newlin arrives at VampCamp in her best I’m-Totally-Not-Covering-For-The-Governor’s-Death-And-Stealing-His-Prestigue power suit to learn that there’s a hunger strike among a small group of the vampires, one of which is her ex-husband. Her solution is to put him in a giant hamster wheel and make him run until he confesses that his new BFF James who he feels a real connection with told him about the Hep V. In repayment, Sarah arranges for Steve and James to be brought to VampireThunderdome.

Stand aside, Hillary. Mama's got a political agenda to solidify. 

Adilyn deals with the guilt from Arlene (which, btw, she’s taking pretty well considering that she herself just lost three of her twin sisters, like, two days ago but no one’s concerned about that with her) by sneaking off with Holly’s teenage sons who have showed up at her window, Romeos to her telepathic Juliet, with a purloined bottle of alcohol.

Nicole and her mother are about to leave town when Sam confesses his undying love for her. Again, I remind you all that in this show’s continuity, his previous eternal love, Luna, only died, like a week ago. The argument is interrupted by Sookie, making her first appearance at her place of work, literally three-fourths of the way through the season. “Did I come at a bad time?” she asks. Remember folks, she’s supposed to be a telepath. Sookie tells Sam that she’s considering going FaerieSuperNova if it would make her normal for a change and she’s telling Sam because she always figured they’d probably end up together some day. That actually makes more sense that it seems, trust me, but Sam is right to get pissed that the object of his eternal love (maybe he has so many because he’s a shifter? Just considering…) is finally coming around right at the moment that he’s realized that Nicole is pregnant. Hence the sniffing earlier.

Arlene and the other Bellefleurs are making plans for Terry’s funeral. The Mortician says he’ll be buried with full military honors, 21 Gun Salute and all. Arlene points out the irony of such a thing for a man who was shot to death to say nothing of the fact that he knew about his own death. Arlene doesn’t want to keep the money, but Holly and Andy argue that it was his last wish. Arlene agrees on the condition that they get the reverend from the local “black church” to officiate.

Testify!

Sookie visits the graves of her parents and her grandmother to consider their lies to her in their lives and what that means. She To Be or Not To Be’s for a few minutes before deciding that it’s a moot point since literally all three dead Stackhouses keep finding some ghostly way to come back.  “Death is just a fucking pit stop on a road that keeps on going,” she says, deciding between tears to take Ben up on his offer and become a vampire, the very thing her parents were going to kill her to stop he from being rather than spend eternity by their sides in the ground.

The representative from the True Blood manufacturers arrives at the VampCamp demanding to see the Gov and wanting to know what’s going on. Sarah stonewalls her, but offers to make her a deal as fellow “strong women, forging our way ahead in a male-dominated industry.” The True Blood Rep clearly never read her Gloria Steinham because she punches Sarah in the stomach and pushes past her into the lab and realizing that they’re chemically altering the True Blood. Sarah tries to attack her when she goes to call the FDA, but the rep runs into VampCamp and sees everything that’s going on.

It’s unclear what the purpose of this experiment was.

Sarah chases the Rep into one of the vampire common rooms, catching up with her when her high heels get caught in a grate and tackling her. Sarah beats the rep’s head into the grate, causing her blood to drip down to the hungry vampires below. Eventually Sarah kills the rep by stabbing the back of her head with her own high heel. At which point Susan Faludi pretty much just shut off her TV and went to bed.

 "I'll never forget what you've done for me, Manolo Blahnik."

Adilyn and one of the two interchangeable teenage boys are making out in the graveyard, which for Bon Temps probably is the same as Lover’s Lane, when Eric interrupts them. Eric glamours the boys into forgetting they saw him (He also makes them forget they saw Adilyn topless, but he at least apologizes for “taking that one away from you.”) before chasing Adilyn down and feeding off her.

At VampCamp, Violet is getting talk from the guards for not drinking her True Blood rations, but she’s apparently smarter than the average bloodsucker because she’s starting to realize that our heroes aren’t drinking any either. Steve and James, meanwhile, are still in the circular white room when Jessica, Pam, Tara and Willa are brought in. This is looking eerily similar to the scene that Bill saw in his vision a few episodes back.

Sookie tries to call Jason, only getting his voicemail. She tells him about Terry, asks if he knows where their grandfather went and tearfully tells him that she loves him. Then she calls Bill to tell him they have a deal. Later, Sookie is dressed in her Sunday best as she escorts Bill to the faerie dimension. When they arrive, however, Ben is unconscious, his throat ripped open.

Like a Woman Scorned and Melted Into a Pile of Goo

Hey folks. It's your promised second recap of True Blood this week. Think we're all caught up now. Enjoy!

TL;DR: Eric and Nora escape the camp, however Nora's caught the Hep V. Eric begs for Bill's help, but turns out nothing can be done. Hail and farewell, Nora. Sarah Newlin proves the old "power corrupts" adage is true, although in her case she was always a little corrupt to begin with. She seizes control of the Gov's operations. Arlene gets wasted drunk to cope with Terry's death. Sookie returns to our dimension after her FaerieGlowSexathon with Ben. Jessica thanks the vampire who didn't rape her by having sex with him a lot. 

Recap: It’s another day in the VampCamp/True Blood poison factory and Eric, Nora (who’s been infected with Hep V) and Willa are desperate to get out of it.  Willa goes to grab Tara and Pam while Eric and Nora try to escape through the True Blood plant. The guards, however, are onto them and have sounded the alarm. Thankfully, one of those guards is Jason, still undercover and swearing up a storm. Eric and Nora hide under a shipping truck that’s leaving the facility and make a run for freedom.  Willa, disguised as a doctor, finds Pam and warns her not to drink any True Blood because of the contamination. Pam says they should only tell Tara and Jessica, arguing that if every vamp in the camp suddenly stops drinking the True Blood, the guards will know they’re onto them. Hey, she didn’t get to be over 100 by being nice, you know. Eric brings a rapidly worsening Nora to Bill and begs him to help. Nora refuses Bill’s blood, knowing that it’s actually Lilith’s, even if it means she dies.

Sarah Newlin is in her car listening to her favorite book on tape (“Elocution Classes for Spreading the Gospel, Chapter Three: Drop One Octave and Repeat.”) when she arrives at the Governor’s mansion to see all the guards gone and the front door open. She turns off the audio lesson (“When speaking, remember to be strong, but not assertive.”) and makes her way to the courtyard where Bill has thoughtfully left the Gov’s head resting near a marble statue. Sarah melodramatically breaks down in front of the carnage before deeming it “part of God’s plan” and swearing vengeance, kind of like a really bigoted overly-religious Batman.

“Vampers are a superstitious, cowardly lot.”

Later, Sarah has called a Senator to the Gov’ mansion to enlist his support against the vampire cause. The Senator would like to help, but remember how there’s this whole chain of succession thing in government and the Lt. Governor is now clearly going to take control. “I am not letting that RINO with his folksy bullshit come anywhere near this office,” Sarah assures him, cooking up a plan to hide the Gov’s death from the public and use the Senator’s people who are well-practiced at hiding the Senator’s “seedy lifestyle” from the public eye to help. (Flashback: the Senator, we remember, was carrying on a closeted sexual relationship with Lafayette back in season 1 and apparently the staff member who has accompanied him to this meeting has taken over the…ahem…duties.) They will say that the Gov was attacked by the vampires and is now governing from an undisclosed location, leaving Sarah and the Senator to govern in his place.

"I have old fashioned views about what two people should do after their love making due to the last time I did it was with a vampire demon lady about 6,000 years ago. Now when do we kill a wild boar?"

In MagicFaerieLand, naked Sookie! Naked Ben/Warlow! Naked nakedness being all naked in the naked afterglow. Ben in particular is looking forward to all the wedding stuff that is about to come. “You don’t think just because we had sex it means I’m going to marry you?” Sookie asks. She’s about to explain to him how modern, liberated women can have all the monster sex they like without needing to be carried over some kind of threshold when she suddenly is able to hear Arlene sobbing over Terry’s freshly dug grave. Sookie transports herself back, leaving Ben in the safety of the FaerieAfterglowSexLand. Arriving at the cemetery back in our world, Sookie comforts Arlene as Arlene tells her how Terry died.

Sam hears from Lafayette via a phone call about Terry before deciding to go back to Bon Temps despite the danger to himself from the Pack. He tells Nicole to keep running and stay safe, but he has to go back for Terry, right after he takes this conveniently sexy shower. Nicole, not one to be held back by a person she barely knows mourning his lost friend, joins him.

Back at the Bellefleur house, Arlene takes her anger out on Lafayette as he hands over the key to Terry’s safety deposit box. Andy helps to calm her down and goes with her to tell the kids. Sookie and Lafayette decide to open the safety deposit box and find an envelope with Arlene’s name on it containing a life insurance policy issued three days ago. They realize that Terry knew what was coming.

Inside the VampCamp, Jason has Jessica, who hasn’t realized he was undercover, brought to him in private.  He promises to get her out, but she fatalistically tells him that he can’t keep her safe all the time, although she would like to thank James, the other vampire who wouldn’t rape her, face to face, if Jason can bring him to her.

Alcide drops his father off back at his trailer. Pops tells Alcide about some property that just opened up next to his place that Alcide could take if he agreed not to go back to the Pack. Alcide says he has responsibilities, but his father tells him that neither of them are made for Pack life.

"Dad, I've betrayed all semblance of consistency so far this season. Do you really think I'm the right person to take out a property mortgage in this housing market?"

Nicole’s mother has arrived to pick her up at the hotel, which has to be awkward given that she’s found her daughter at a cheap motel with a strange man, but she seems to take it well. Makes you wonder how often she and Nicole have been in this position. Nicole tells Sam that she won’t tell anyone about him being a shifter and gives him her home number, asking him to call.

Jason brings James who, to his credit, is a little weirded out to Jessica. Jessica tells Jason she can’t thank him enough, but she needs some private time with the new guy. Alone, she tells James that when she arrived in the camp, she was convinced that she was a monster for killing Andy’s daughters, but his kindness helped her to see otherwise. Turns out for his good deeds, the doctors ripped out his fangs. Jessica tells James about the Hep V in the True Blood and tells him not to drink it when they offer. James waxes philosophical about much more he wishes he could do with his life, which is ironic considering the whole mortality thing. Moved by the spirit of Things We’ll Never Get to Do, Jessica confesses that she’s never had sex with a vampire, only humans. Convenient, huh? (In fairness, she tells him what’s so attractive about him is how, even as a vampire, his humanity has shone through, which isn’t something that she’s ever seen with the vampires she’s been with, which might be the first subtle thing True Blood has done so far this season.)

Don’t worry. The subtlety is followed by this. 

At Bill’s, Eric tries once again to get Bill to save Nora’s life, saying that he believes Bill has become divine and maybe possibly God. Bill tells Eric about his visions of the future he’s been having, including the one about the room where all the vampires die. Bill tells Eric they need Warlow’s blood, which is what’s letting Bill walk around in the daylight, if they’re going to save all the others. Eric promises to help, if Bill gives Nora his blood. Bill agrees, but Nora is unimproved. Eric concludes that Warlow’s blood may be Nora’s last chance.

Sookie and Lafayette bring the insurance policy to Arlene who is managing her misery the best way possible – with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a PBR in the other. “I’m better,” she tells Sookie, slurring all the way. “Before it was like someone was scalping my brain away one slice at a time and plucking out my heart with a crab fork. But now, thanks to this, it just feels like someone’s crushing my windpipe.” Now’s not the best time to go over the policy, clearly. Of course, the real victim here is Adilyn, who by her own thoughts, is having something of a weird day. Sookie, however, can hear her and communicates telepathically before Holly’s teenage sons arrive. Know what could make this day even more awkward than the drug waitress grieving over her dead husband while being comforted by a twice-possessed gay medium in the kitchen and a couple of half-faeries in the sitting room? That’s right, teenage crushes. Stay away from her, punks - she'll be menopausal before you can even get to first base. 

But don’t worry, it’s going to get worse as Bill arrives right in the daylight. “Oh holy fuck,” Sookie sums up the situation nicely. Bill is there to offer his condolences to Arlene since Terry was technically his great-great-great-great-great-great-whatever grand nephew. Arlene is not at her best right now and it takes her a few minutes to comprehend that Bill is afoot in daylight. Bill offers more condolences to Terry, saying that his firstborn also died back before the Civil War so he knows there’s no greater pain. “Except for losing three,” Andy appropriately snarks.  But we’ve established Bill isn’t really here for the niceties, he wants to know about Adilyn. The tension and melodrama is getting a bit much and Lafayette heads for the door, muttering “I’m glad I remembered to take my beta-blockers.”

Everything about this image is amazing. 

Bill asks to talk to Sookie directly, ex to ex. He asks Sookie to let him have Warlow so he can save his progeny, which btw includes Tara and Jessica, two friends of Sookie’s. Bill tells her about the VampCamp and says they need Warlow in order to save everyone.

Speaking of which, back at the camp Pam has re-entered her therapy sessions. The Shrink wants to know why she doesn’t want to eat. Pam, playing up his discomfort, tells him it’s because she’s horny instead, not unsubtly unbuttoning her jumpsuit and reminding him of her sexual appetitites. “I was a whore in my human life,” she tells him, using the literal use of the word whore. “It wasn’t a coincidence.” The Shrink admits being very…um…interested in her specific sexual knowledge as a vampire and the next three minutes are ridiculous levels of double entendre moving rapidly to just single entendre as Pam agrees to sex in exchange for something she wants.

"No, seriously. I got paid for it. Let's not go thinking this means something, yeah?"

Sarah finds Jason in the hallway. She tells him that the Governor is dead and so is his influence and has his arm cut open and thrown into the women’s common room, which just happens to be full of starving lady vampires. Normally an entire room of women drooling for Jason’s body would be kind of like his ultimate turn on, but understandably, this time it’s different. Tara puts herself between the women and Jason, but the real day is saved when the vampire who saved Tara and Jessica a few episodes calls them all off, telling them “Ladies, he’s mine.”

Alcide, meanwhile, comes back to the Pack and tells them that Sam and Nicole have been killed and Emma returned to her grandmother. Nice try, Alcide. Too bad the “were-bitches” were a step ahead of you and have already captured Nicole and her mother.

Eric prays to Godric, his and Nora’s dead sire, in an attempt to save Nora. In the process, he remembers London in 1665 when he was sent by the King of England to fetch down a paramour of his who, naturally, happened to be Nora. Nora was tending the plague dead of London when she contracted the disease herself. Eric, impressed by her courage even that close to the end of her life, brought her to Godric to be healed and “live fully and forever.” Nora urges Eric to let her go, saying that she has lived fully before literally melting into a pile of gore in Eric’s arms as Bill watches. 

DO NOT WANT!!!