In Pursuit of Pigeons

Kids, are your Thursday nights dull? Do you end up spending the evening watching Antiques Roadshow with your cat? Well, fear not. The good people over at The Eyeball have a rather fetching updated Sherlock Holmes murder mystery that may be right up your alley. As we've already learned from the Brits, murder is funny. And who doesn't like Lucy Liu?

"Oh, you're right, Arsenic," you say. "On second thought, I have no problems with Lucy Liu. I'll just slowly back out of here."

I know, I know. You're a Sherlock fan and you have qualms. "Bu-bu...Sherlock from the BBC is soooo good," you protest. This is true. I am huge fan of the Sherlock series. And who doesn't like Benedict Cumberbatch? People. Without. Souls. That's who. "How can the American version be worth watching?" you demand "It's not even associated with the Sherlock series. Isn't Elementary just a bad American rip-off?" Well, naysayers and people with too many First World Problems, I am here to spread the good news! I'm like Paul Revere, but in reverse. Elementary is entertaining, fresh, smart, and funny as hell. Sort of like yours truly, but I am not quite as dead sexy as Johnny Lee Miller. 

Hot (adj.) mess (noun)

So, how is Elementary different from Sherlock? Well, the major differences are that it's set in New York City instead of London, and Sherlock is a consultant for the NYPD, supervised by Captain Thomas Gregson (Aidan Quinn). Dr. Watson in this case is named Joan Watson, portrayed by Lucy Liu.

Yes. Yes, exactly like that.

Sherlock, for his part, is a recovering addict. I can't remember exactly which drugs he was doing. I am pretty sure it was all of them, but most specifically heroin. Sherlock ended up becoming a junkie after the death of his beloved Irene Adler, and Joan Watson was hired by Sherlock's mysterious, absent, and filthy rich father to be his sober companion. Joan had been a real actual medical doctor until she lost a patient and thus began doubting her abilities. She quit her hospital job to become a sober companion and that is how she ended up living with Sherlock. She accompanies him on murder investigations and to his addict meetings, helping him with both his sobriety and figuring out whodunit, all the while making it clear to him that she's not for a second going to put up with his bullshit. It is adorable bullshit, though.

I really like the way Joan's character is written. She's a strong female character, but the writing doesn't fall into the trap of turning her into the Asian Dragon Lady stereotype. The show begins with her being Sherlock's sidekick, but as the first season progressed, it became clear that Sherlock is totally dependent on her. 

Please tell me this investigation has something to do with your ninth step.

"But," you ask. "Isn't this just going to turn into a Moonlighting thing where there's all this sexual tension and they finally get together and then the show just isn't as good? Isn't this pairing just going to devolve into them slobbering all over each other?" 'Tis a valid question, but I don't think so. It's true that there's a male and female lead who are clearly hot for each other and completely repressing it. But, the thing that works with Elementary is that you know they'd both like to throw caution to the proverbial wind and bone, but you kind of don't want them to get together.  I don't know if that was intentional or not, but it really works and it's very refreshing. Sherlock and Joan live and work together, so it's almost like they're already in a relationship in a sense anyway. Since Sherlock has had so many drug problems and so many demons, Joan would totally be slumming it to get with Sherlock, and Joan is so the Scully to his Mulder that there's no way she'd ever admit to having feelings for him. There's also an intimacy to their relationship that I don't think can occur in a teevee (or real?) romantic relationship because they're working together toward a common goal instead of playing suckface.

These aren't the Gryffindor colors? No, I'm quite sure you'e wrong, Watson.

I guess the ratings haven't been all that impressive, but let's keep in mind that this is the same network that airs Big Brother (blech) so maybe there's not that much appeal within The Eyeball demographic. I really do feel like this show would be doing better ratings-wise if it were on BBC America, because the the British-meets-North American format is becoming their oeuvre (Yes, I just used "oeuvre" in a sentence. Going to punch myself now for being a pretentious fuckwit.) Regardless, it was renewed for a second season, so please go watch it before it gets cancelled. 

The only thing that rankles me a little about the series, and this may just be me, but I don't feel they've been able to naturally incorporate the Sherlock Holmes mythology as seamlessly into the series as Sherlock has done. Moriarty has made an appearance of sorts, but it felt unnecessary. I know, I know. Throw rotten produce at me now. The show can stand alone as a buddy cop murder mystery, and while I like the Holmes mythology thrown in there, Elementary is so character driven that it doesn't really need Moriarty to be interesting. There is Moriarty and Irene Adler stuff going on in the series, but I'm not going to spoil it for people who haven't seen the first season.

The Season 2 premiere, entitled "Step Nine," follows Sherlock and Watson getting mixed up in a murder investigation to help out Sherlock's former police contact, DI Lestrade(yup). Lestrade was investigating the death of a woman, and he's pretty convinced that her husband killed her. The only wrinkle in this is that Lestrade has been suspended from Scotland Yard because the woman's husband is a member of a prominent family, and so he and his legal team launched a smear campaign to discredit Lestrade and get him suspended from duty. After Sherlock and Joan succeed in nabbing a Gary Busey look-a-like perp, whom they were led to by staking out carrier pigeons, Sherlock gets a call from a desperate Lestrade, begging him to help out with the case. Sherlock and Joan head off to London (LONDON) to ostensibly help Scotland Yard look for the lamming Lestrade, but really they're going to help Lestrade prove that this shady dude offed his wife. 

They plan to stay at Sherlock's old London digs, 221B (natch), but when they arrive, they find that Mycroft (EFFING MYCROFT) has gotten rid of all of Sherlock's stuff and turned the flat into a sweet pad. Sherlock is super condescending to Mycroft, and Sherlock thinks Mycroft is being nice to Joan because he wants sommadat, but what Mycroft is really after are some tips on how he can better get along with his brother. As an added bonus, Mycroft is totally played by Rhys Ifans. 

You mean you don't love what I've done with the place?

Hijinks ensue and Joan, whom Sherlock has been training in his crime fighting ways, observes that Mycroft has a scar on his hand from surgery. She questions him about it, and he confesses that he had a bone marrow transplant and wants to repair his relationship with Sherlock, even though Sherlock banged Mycroft's former fiance. Well. D'aww. Joan's advice to Mycroft is that if he really wants Sherlock to listen to him, he should do something to get his attention. So, naturally, Mycroft takes this advice and builds a bomb and blows up a bunch of Sherlock's stored possessions.

Now I've destroyed things you love.

So shines a good deed in a naughty world.

Needless to say, Joan and Sherlock are able to assist Lestrade in proving his theory and arresting this super shady rich a-hole, but some questions do arise about the nature of Sherlock and Watson's relationship via Sherlock's speculation that Joan wants to bang his bro. I'm really hoping the writers aren't going to decide to ship them off because the dynamic they've already created between the two works perfectly well for the series' purpose.  

Elementary airs at 10 p.m.  EST on Thursdays on The Eyeball. 

You mean you're gonna stop yewwing at da teeveez 'bout how you can't bewieve dat ugwy old vase is worth dat much? Howcomez?

Secret Girlfriend of the Week: In Soviet Russia....prison food eats you.

Have you been watching Orange is the New Black? It's one of those Netflix original series (like House of Cards and the new Arrested Development season) where all the episodes are available for streaming at the same time. Which means you can binge watch to your heart's desire.

Unfortunately for me, life often gets in the way of my binge tv watching so I've only made it through the first six episodes. But! What I have seen is awesome and if you haven't started watching the show you really need to. Not just because of the interesting concept, the riveting plot, the large and diverse and amazing cast....

...but because of Kate Mulgrew.

Remember Kate Mulgrew? She was the gravely voiced, tough as nails Captain Janeway on Star Trek: Voyager. I am sad to say it took me about 4 episodes to recognize her, she looks and acts that different. And it is BLOWING MY MIND. 

In case you aren't familiar with the plot of Orange is the New Black, the show "revolves around Piper Chapman, a woman from Connecticut, living in New York City, who is sent to a women's federal prison for 15 months after being convicted of transporting a suitcase full of drug money for Alex Vause, an international drug smuggler and Chapman's former lover." Synopsis from wiki, of course.

Basically, the main character is your typical middle class blonde yuppie who finds herself thrown into prison because her former lesbian lover used her as a drug mule. Hijinks ensue. It's from the same creator as Weeds, but unlike that show, the decisions the characters make are usually smart and are not always wrong. Except for the ones that land them in prison.

Getting back to Kate, she plays Galina "Red" Reznikov, a Russian inmate who is the head chef of the prison kitchen and sits pretty much at the top of the prison hierarchy. You don't want to mess with her, as Piper discovers her first day when she insults the quality of the food in front of Red (without knowing Red is in charge of its preparation). Through flashbacks we learn that Red and her husband ran a restaurant and got involved with the Russian mob. Let's just say that their large restaurant-sized freezer was used to put some things on ice you don't normally find in an eatery.

I mentioned earlier that I didn't recognize Kate Mulgrew for several episodes, and it was totally true. It's not just the short red hair and the Russian accent that changed her, but she completely inhabits the role. Of course, the short spiky red hair doesn't hurt. And that shit is for real--no wigs here. Miss Thang walked herself down to the barber and got it cut and dyed. Now THAT's commitment to a role, people.

Not gonna lie--Red is scary as hell.

I found a great interview with Kate Mulgrew about Red here and I recommend you read it. It has only mild plot spoilers so feel free to click. Here are some excerpts that I found particularly interesting:

Question: You famously played Captain Kathryn Janeway on Star Trek: Voyager. What do you think Red and the Star Trek franchise's first female captain to anchor a series have in common?  

KM: A ship is a ship. One is a spaceship and one is a prison. But we're both leaders of a kind, and we're both very tough and very vulnerable. Beyond that, I would draw very few parallels.  

Question: You've been an actress for more than 40 years. How does OITNB fit in the greater scheme of things?  

KM: This is the first time I've ever felt completely liberated as an actor. They only want me to be Red. They don't want me to be beautiful or exemplary. They just want me to be Red. And that's true of every single woman who's been cast. Jenji has exquisite taste. 

The entire first season of Orange is the New Black is available on Netflix streaming. Check it out and feel free to binge. But I wouldn't recommend Red's food--especially the sandwiches. Watch the show and you'll know what I mean. 

Our Biggest Challenge Is To Not Get Syphilis

So, I spent most of this episode waiting for Pete Campbell to either go ballistic in the office of SCDPEDBSBSXQJ or jump out a window. 

Not a whole lot happened in this episode OMGZ-wise like last week (like, seriously, WTF), but it was the first full-fledged Joan episode this season, so I was happy that the writing started focusing on Joan being a more active business partner, even though That's Not How Things Work Around Here. I love how Joan is one of the few decent people in a sea of morally bankrupt human beings. She's so decent that it doesn't even bother me when she starts acting like some of the more douchey characters on the show, because she's learned that if you want to play with the big boys, you've got to get your hands a little dirty.

I grew some balls to complement my amazing tatas.

So, in the wake of the Bobby Kennedy assassination, Don is watching the Democratic National Convention. Megan thinks no one will vote for Hubert Humphrey, and Don is skeptical that Nixon will win. Wrong horse, Don. Don's heading out to Cali and invites Megan along, but she can't go. Don and Megan seem a little closer in this episode, but we know it won't be long before he's led astray yet once more.

Back at the office, Ken Cosgrove's been let into double secret offices at GM. There's one GM exec who's giving them a hard time and tabling all their ideas due to a lack of ass kissing. Roger doesn't know his name. Jack Something. All the execs are named Jack. Pete offers to go to Detroit, but Ted says he'll go (and presumably fly himself). Don strolls in late and this commences a  spectacular convo about SCDPCGC being a bit of a mouthful for the clients. The clients don't know the official name of the firm, and neither does the firm itself, so they're all swimming in a sea of letters.

No one has observed the memo that requested specifically that all seven letters be used when answering the phone. Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Cutler Gleason and Shaw. Roger suggests that they all lose a letter, and Don thinks the abbreviation sounds like a stutter. Bert Cooper says he'll  take his name off the list, along with all of the deceased partners. Oh, Bert. We see you there. You're adorably grumpy. Don suggests they just get a bigger front door.

Cutler: Of course you like it. You're at the front. I'm at the end.

Ted: I'm at the end!

That's what she said!

And it's off to LA for Roger and Don to meet with Carnation, leaving Harry Hamlin to meet with Manischewitz. 

On the plane, Roger's annoyed with Don because Don's working on the Carnation Instant Breakfast account. They're execs, says Roger. They're working with rednecks and hayseeds and said rednecks and hayseeds will trust two gentlemen from the big city. Big New York Ad Men. 

Hey, there! Georgie Girl!

Over in creative's freeflowing workspace, Ginsberg and Stan are listening to a news report about Vietnam. Ginsberg is mad because Humphrey doesn't have a peace plan for the war. Cutler wants to know what work they've actually got done on the Manischewitz account and the answer to that question is zero. Zilch. Exactly. Nada. Ginsberg accuses Cutler of being glib about the lack of a peace plan because he's for the war, and Cutler points out that he served in the Air Force. Ginsberg gets ticked off and tells Cutler that Cutler disgusts him and then it devolves into yet another in-office shouting match, in which Ginsberg calls Cutler a fascist and a Nazi (not sure how that works), and Cutler burns Ginsberg by pointing out that Ginsberg is a hippie who cashes checks from Dow Chem. Ouch. 

Then...is it a bird? Is it a plane! It's...it's...it's OUR HERO, Troutshorts (nee Bob Benson). Troutshorts wants to know what this ruckus is about, and Cutler yells at Troutshorts. Poor Troutshorts. Cutler later approaches Troutshorts and asks him to accompany him on the presentation for Manischewitz. One small step for Troutshorts. One giant step for earnest possibly evil account men.

My biography, Full Frontal Nudity: The Making of an Accidental Actor, is available at fine booksellers nationwide.

In Ted's office, Cutler tells Ted he wants to fire some of the SCDP staff, namely Ginsberg. He thinks they should fire the the SCDP people while Draper and Sterling are in LA. Yeah. Because that will go over well. Ted tells Cutler that they can't fire Ginsberg; he's too good. Then Cutler storms out.

Remember Joan's friend Kate? The one who works for Avon? Well, Kate set Joan up on a date. Joan goes to lunch with Andy, an ostensibly divorced man who keeps talking about his wife. He's also the head of marketing for Avon. Andy asks Joan what he should look for in an agency, then it dawns on Joan that this is also a business lunch and she makes her move. Joan sells SCDP. She sells it hard. Andy asks Joan what her job is, and since she can't tell him it's head secretary, she tells him she's in charge of giving people what they want before they even ask for it. Then she pays for lunch. Sold!

Joan comes back from lunch and talks to Peggy. Peggy urges Joan to set a meeting, even though Don and Roger are out of town. Peggy's stoked. Peggy suggests that they take it to Ted, and Joan's concerned about getting kicked off the account. But Peggy urges Joan to ask to be the account man, and Joan sees her opportunity. 

Peggy approaches Ted and tells him the news, and Ted brings in Pete Campbell (and also makes him head of new business, which Pissy Pete doesn't want because, like, OMG he's twelve). Ted instructs Pete to set a meeting for the next day with Peggy, and unwittingly excludes Joan. Joan insists on coming to the lunch, and Pete insists that, under no uncertain circumstances, that this is how things are done. Joan's offended and walks away insulted. Pete, however, assures Joan that she'll get all the credit. Yeah. Right.

Don, Roger and Harry Crane pull up at their hotel in swinging 60s style. Don's grumpy because Roger kept talking on the plane, and Roger's grumpy that Don doesn't want to par-tay. Don's a Responsible Husband and Father now, Roger. Harry Crane, however, has been invited to a party in the Hollywood Hills with some movie and TV execs. I'm sure there's no way that could possibly end badly.

You folks want to see me give Slattery a wedgie? Hold on. This cracks him up when I do this.

On the teevee news,  protesters are being arrested and clubbed for demonstrating outside the 1968 Democratic National Convention, which was held at the Chicago Hilton. Megan on the phone with Don and expresses that she's upset, and Don tactfully reminds her that she can't vote. 

Peggy shows up the the lunch and Joan walks in, sans Pete, and tells Peggy that she didn't invite Pete. Joan tells Peggy that she can leave, but before she can, Andy arrives and Joan introduces them and sells Andy on Peggy.  Peggy starts babbling about her Avon lady and Joan takes charge of the meeting. Andy expresses his frustration with nagging sales, what with these working females and these darn hippies who don't wear make-up. Peggy asks Andy if he thinks that maybe his ad campaign might be intentionally old-fashioned,

and suggests that they have the Avon lady come to the office. Joan even comes up with a tag line, "There's no doorbell in an office." Peggy smiles politely, but sister knows she's been upstaged. 

Meanwhile at Carnation, Harry, Roger and Don are meeting with Mitt Romney's Zombie. Mitt Romney's Zombie is gleefully expressing his opinion that the Democrats are dead. Maybe not even just for now. MAYBE FOREVER. BWAHAHA.

Oopsie.

In walks Jack, the head honcho at Carnation.Remember when Roger said they're all named Jack? THEY'RE ALL NAMED JACK. 

Jack is mad that they were laughing about the riots and how said riots handed the election to Nixon. Jack is offended and thought last night was disgusting. Because the protests lacked eight essential vitamins and minerals and were a delicious way to start your day? Because police were beating people who were exercising their constitutionally protected right to protest? No! Because of Those Damn Long-Haired Hippies! They shamed this country. Can Nixon fix that? Nixon's an opportunist. You know who's a patriot? Dutch. Reagan. That's who. Now let's talk about how our nasty ass processed chalky instant food product is part of this complete breakfast.

Peggy is PISSED at Joan. She tells Joan that, on no uncertain terms, Joan threw away her access to the Avon account. Joan feels like Peggy doesn't respect her, and Joan feels like Avon is hers. Joan and Peggy hash it out, with Peggy reminding Joan that she used to ridicule her when Peggy first started writing copy. Joan insults Peggy by insinuating that Peggy rode Don's coattails and didn't work hard enough on her own, and Peggy retorts that she never slept with Don. Joan takes that comment personally, and reminds Peggy that the only thing that matters now is who has a personal relationship with the client and that's Joan. 

Benson's in his office, honest to shit listening to a vinyl recording on how to be a good salesman, when Stan beckons him into his office. Ginsberg is having a full on panic attack and wants to bow out of the Manischewitz meeting. Troutshorts goes all motivational speaker on Ginsberg, but Ginsberg's convinced that he's part of the Dark Side. Troutshorts tries to convince Ginsberg that Manischewitz isn't a bad company; they're YOUR PEOPLE.  Then Ginsberg asks TS if TS is a homo. Yes, it's a great day for political correctness.

Roger is all dressed up in the latest Aristotle Onassis fashions. Our slick, cool cats, Don and Roger, are heading to the Hollywood Hills party. No, you're not hallucinating. They are, in fact, playing Harper Valley PTA. Things go pretty well until Roger runs into Jane's cousin,  Danny. Remember Danny? Danny worked for SCDP for a hot minute while Roger was married to Jane. He wasn't very good at advertising, but he's become a Hollywood director/producer in the mean time. Roger opens with his usual round of 12-year-old boy charm, and tells a string of short jokes that aren't even worthy of Cartman. Roger, you are a total square.

Don's talking to some hipster guy out near the pool who does jingles, and he's distracted by ladies in bikinis. He excuses himself and wanders into an ashram, where there are several stoned people worshiping at the ganja altar. This Bettyish blonde offers Don "a nipple" (not that kind of nipple, you pervs) and Don sits down and tokes up. 

Again, I want to remind people that there is no way that this could possibly go wrong.

Roger starts hitting on Danny's old lady, Lois, who is, of course, tripping on acid. Danny approaches and tells Lois it's time to leave, and Roger starts in with the smack talk, which ultimately ends in Danny punching Roger directly in the nutsack. See, it helps to be short.

Inside the party, Don's cornered the Bettyish blonde in a corner and he's baked. Yes, here we go again with Don cheating. Then Megan shows up. And she tells him she's totally okay with all this free love. At this point, we know Don's hallucinating because Megan would cut off his balls if she caught him with another woman. THC Delusion Megan leads Don through the party, where she reveals she is pregnant. WHAT? Then she morphs into the Vietnam soldier from the season premiere. Remember him? The one who got married on the beach. Anyway, he's real dead now. Then Don thinks he fell into the pool and drowned, but it turns out he just fell in the pool. And he is high. He is really, really high.

Make the most of the hemp seed! And sow it everywhere!

On the up side, Ted has great news! He kissed the right asses and things are a go and troublesome Jack is off the account. Troutshorts comes in and tells them that Manischewitz has put them in review because they haven't been happy with their work. Cutler was supposed to go to the presentation for Manischewitz, but he let Bob and Ginsberg take it. Cutler puts Troutshorts on the Chevy account without first consulting Ted, and Ted feels like Cutler is trying to split the firm in half. (Spoiler alert: he is). Cutler is nonplussed. 

Don's hung over and dying of TB on the flight back to New York. Roger gives Don some uncharacteristically sage advice, gleaned from his shrink. According to Roger's shrink, it's the business of our lives to know ourselves and love who we are. Will Don take his advice to heart or lapse back into a downward spiral of self-loathing? The voyeur in me hopes it is the latter.

MEANWHILE, Pete is royally pissed at Joan. He calls Joan into the conference room and rips into her. Pete's riled up because Avon sent over a box of samples to the girls and Andy left a note on the box about a "productive breakfast." 

I sent you to the store to get cake! 

Pete throws a temper tantrum (because he's a tween girl), and Joan tries to explain it away as confusion. This is such BS on Pete's part because you know he'd be the first to throw someone else under the bus and steal their client. Peggy bursts in and Joan has it out with Pete, with Pete accusing Joan of sleeping with Avon (literally) to gain an upper hand with the client and Joan says, "Because it's better than being screwed by you."

Pete storms out and brings in Ted, hoping that Ted will back him up. Ted comes in and scolds Joan and Pete kicks Peggy out of the meeting. Fortunately for Peggy, there's a one-sided window in Joan's office (with audio), so Peggy listens in on the convo. Pete continues to throw a fit, and tells Joan that she breached the fundamental rules of how the business works. Peggy hastily scribbles a note and sends Meredith in to deliver it in the conference room. Meredith reads out the fake message, which reads that Andrew Hayes from Avon is on the phone for her. Ted angrily orders Joan to go take the call and Pete continues to be pissy. Ted tells Pete he needs to suck it up. Joanie thanks Peggy for saving her ass, and Peggy tells Joan to hope that Andy really calls.

Well, this is just a little Peyton Place and you're all Harper Valley hypocrites.

Pete's waiting for Don and Roger when they arrive, and then the partners meet in Don's office. Roger's nonplussed about the Manischewitz account because he's been expecting it, so he effectively asked Cutler to cover an account he was already pretty certain they were going to lose. On a happier note, they've decided on a name, and they're dropping all the partners except Roger and Bert from the firm's name. Heretofore, they will be known as Sterling, Cooper & Partners. Pete tries to warn Don that there's all kinds of mutiny and shenanigans a-happening, and Don tells Pete that if he doesn't like it, then he should get out of the business. 

Pete wanders aimlessly into creative. One thinks he's going to go all Lane Pryce on us all, but Pete may be too ineffectual to actually kill himself. He instead just steals a joint from Stan. 

Only three more episodes this season.