Put a bullet in Killer Women, please.

A few days ago, Arsenic Pie and I gathered online to discuss the new ABC "drama," Killer Women, starring Battlestar Galactica's hottest cylon, Tricia Helfer. Here are our thoughts:

Maggie Cats: So, Killer Women. I found it extremely silly.

Arsenic Pie: I liked how it started with a bloody shooting and ended with the main character playing the trumpet in a mariachi band. Like what the actual fuck? But I totes believe Caprica Six can really play the trumpet. But was that really the best place to introduce this talent?

Maggie Cats: I get the feeling the people behind it aren't exactly sure what they want the show to be.

Arsenic Pie: I got from it... and this may just be me. That they were going for like a Robert Rodriguez Grindhouse kind of thing. Or a cheesed out Charlie's Angels.

Maggie Cats: The problem is they were shooting for all those things. Plus a classic action show, like Walker, Texas Ranger. But you can't have all those things in one show.

Arsenic Pie I couldn't tell if they were referencing 70s cop shows or making fun of them. There were so many cliches.

Oh, yes, this show looks completely serious.

Maggie Cats: Speaking of her brother....another BSG alum! Michael Trucco!

Arsenic Pie: On a semi related note, I saw that Boomer is on a show now too.

Maggie Cats: You mean ....Hawaii 5-0?

Arsenic Pie: Yes!

Maggie Cats: You know that show has been on for like 2 years, right? YOU WRITE FOR A TV BLOG, WOMAN. Get it together.

Arsenic Pie *hangs head in shame*

Maggie Cats: Ok, so back to this show. I thought Tricia Helfer was good in the role, but again, the character was not well-defined.

Arsenic Pie: Right. She is kind of a stock character. A tough, no-nonsense cop who fights bad guys and the sexism of being a woman in a man's world.

Maggie Cats: I guess she is supposed to be kickass...but doesn't really do a lot of fighting. And then she is supposed to be sexy--and I'll give them that one. But then she is crying about being beaten by her husband, and I was like what?

Arsenic Pie: I know, right? Because that's what the vajays like to watch. Stories about women who have been abused...

Maggie Cats:... and then she risks her life, her DEA boyfriend's life, and gets a random informant killed because she feels bad about doing her job (i.e. pursuing an investigation that ends up implicating the drug cartels).

Arsenic Pie: She's female. Her ovaries cause guilt. I liked DEA Dan though.

Maggie Cats: It was Riley from Buffy! I think I just find that actor boring though, sorry Marc Blucas!

Yup, still boring.

Arsenic Pie: He is just a random dudebro, but more appealing than her douhe ex. And the plot was predictable.

Maggie Cats: One more issue--did they ever actually explain WHAT the Texas Rangers are or what they do?

Arsenic Pie: I feel like they think we should have a background from watching Walker, Texas Ranger. Are they like the state police?

Maggie Cats: I have no idea and that is not good for the show. On Justified, they always make clear who the US Marshals are.

Arsenic Pie: I figured about five minutes after she had her Hunch that the shooting had something to do with a drug cartel. Because Mexicans.

Maggie Cats: Exactly. Those crazy Mexicans and their drugs. Oh, and I just looked up the Texas Rangers. From wiki:

The Texas Ranger Division, commonly called the Texas Rangers, is a law enforcement agency with statewide jurisdiction in Texas, and is based in Austin, Texas. Over the years, the Texas Rangers have investigated crimes ranging from murder to political corruption, acted as riot police and as detectives, protected the Governor of Texas, tracked down fugitives, and functioned as a paramilitary force at the service of both the Republic (1836–45) and the state of Texas. 

...but that still doesn't explain how they fit in with the state police, etc.

Arsenic Pie: I'm on the Wiki page now. So much jinx.

Maggie Cats: This is just another example of Texas being wacky.

Arsenic Pie: I fee like they must be comparable to state police. Maggie, are you messing with Texas? I've been told one should not do that.

Maggie Cats: Who me? NEVER. Oh, the one thing that actually amused me in the pilot episode....after the shooting in the Church, like 10 people ran outside, pulled out their guns, and shot at the shooter's car as she was fleeing. Oh, Texas.

Arsenic Pie: I KNOW.

Maggie Cats: Guns in Church!

Arsenic Pie: YOU KNOW THAT CLIP WAS ON THE SOUP.

Maggie Cats: I am not surprised.

Arsenic Pie Well, it's Texas. You know everybody's packing. But still. Everybody runs outside and starts shooting at the getaway car. What the fuck.

Maggie Cats: I don't think I will keep watching. Pick a concept and stick with it. Either be a silly throwback to 80s and 90s cop shows, or be a solid action procedural.

Arsenic Pie: I won't keep watching either. It doesn't know what it's supposed to be. I find it amusing that the person who wrote the episode was named, "Hannah Shakespeare." I'm positive that's a pseudonym. A sadly ironic pseudonym.

Maggie Cats: Hannah has been dealing with that prejudice her entire life.

Arsenic Pie: She has. Poor Hannah. She's a tough, no-nonsense screenwriter.

Maggie Cats: You are such a hater.

Arsenic Pie: Hannah the screenwriter is fighting for justice in a man's world. And hatas gonna hate.

Maggie Cats: She has a pen and she isn't afraid to use it. Because in Texas, the pen is mightier than the shotgun.

Arsenic Pie: So sometimes she takes matters into her own hands. And uses her smartphone. DUHN-DUHN.

Maggie Cats: I would watch that show more than Killer Women, actually.

Arsenic Pie: Yeah, something that was straight up self referential and quirky. I stopped taking ABC seriously long ago, but come on.

Maggie Cats: Sad, but true. They tried to get serious with The Assets (which I reviewed earlier) and it got canceled after two episodes.

Arsenic Pie: I think whoever created Killer Women thinks it's serious.

...and from that point on the conversation split into multiple tangents, including how lesbianism was improving NBC's Dracula, but not by much. The basic point is, Killer Women is a confusing mish mash of genres and probably not worth your time. Unless you find Tricia Helfer so hot you will watch her in anything. In that case, have at it.

Killer Women airs Tuesdays at 10:00 EST on ABC.

Recapping AHS: Never Trust Someone Calling Himself "Axeman"

Hi all! Sorry to be behind on the recaps. Here's the first of three new ones coming from me this week (I hope). 

Right, kids – story time. Seems that in New Orleans, back in 1919, there was once the Axeman, a serial killer who entered people’s houses and slaughtered them with an axe before writing taunting letters to the police about he would never be caught. We begin tonight with said Axeman drafting a letter to the police stating that the next Tuesday night, he will kill someone in town, though anyone playing a live jazz band at midnight will be spared. At Miss Robicheaux’s, the quaint young witches of the Edwardian age are all a-flummox over what to do with this information. Should they play a Victrola? Should they critique his grammar when he insists that the citizens “jazz it”? (“His prose could use refinement,” one witch states disapprovingly.) Nay! They shall take action! “Ladies, we are powerful,” one student reminds her fellows. “Not only are decedents of Salem, but we are Suffragettes! No man can make us cower in our home.”

"This is almost as scandalous as when they tried to make the French Bob happen here."

That Tuesday, Joe, the Axeman himself, closes up his restaurant and heads out onto the street to the sound of Jazz music coming from every home. Every home, of course, but Witch House, which has opted for Puccini. Target sighted, Axeman Joe enters the school, ascends the stairs and finds the Suffragette witch sitting in a dark room, reading tarot cards on the floor. She reveals the Death card just as the Axeman brings his axe into her back, but suddenly she is standing behind him instead. “That reading was for you,” she tells him as she and the other witches fall onto the Axeman, attacking him with knives and Jazz-Age Girl Power.

In the modern day, Zoe is going through Madison’s things when she discovers a cubby hole in Madison’s closet. Inside is a box full of old photographs and a Ouija board. Bringing the items to Nan and Queenie, Zoe points out how much the student body has diminished in 100 years, from several dozen students now to just the three of them. The three decide to find out where Madison is, all Band-of-Brothers-style, using the Ouija Board to contact Madison or anyone else they can find. Queenie isn’t keen on the idea, pointing out how Ouija boards bring forth angry spirits if they’re not careful. Good thing there’s no evil spirit in this house, right! HAHA kidding they totally make contact with the Axeman’s spirit after only, like, three seconds. And boy does he seem pissed…

"Couldn't we just ask him who we're going to marry or how many kids we're going to have to sacrifice to the devil someday or something?"

Fiona meanwhile is undergoing chemotherapy when she suddenly develops the ability to read minds, something she’s never been able to do. Listening to the fearful thoughts of the patients next to her, she tries to leave but is stopped by her doctor. Fiona admits that the only reason she’s even going through with treatment is because Delia needs her now. As more chemo is put into her, she laments how she wishes she could have “one more great love affair” before she goes.

At the school, Zoe is Googling “New Orleans Axeman” and discovering the sick world of fan sites and blogs and the weirdoes who write them. (ZING!) She wants to ask him about Madison, but Queenie is strongly against it, pointing out that spirits will say and do anything to get released from where they’re trapped. Zoe, however, won’t be stopped and goes back to communicate with the Axeman herself. She promises him release if he’ll help her find Madison. At this point I feel compelled to mention that we have yet to see any of these girls actually attending a class, which I feel is germane given the utterly stupid thing that Zoe is doing here. I’m skeptical of Miss Robichaux’s accreditation by the Louisiana Department of Education is what I’m saying.  Whatever, Axeman fesses up and directs Zoe to the attic where she finds Spaulding’s creepy doll room. And Madison’s badly decomposing body stuffed in a trunk. And Spaulding standing behind her, natch.

It doesn’t last long, though. Nan and Queenie arrive quickly enough and subdue Spaulding before tying him up to begin the interrogation. Nan translates Spaulding’s thoughts as Zoe questions him and Queenie burns herself with a hot spatula, transferring the pain to Spaulding. Still protecting Fiona, Spaulding lies to Nan, telling them that he killed Madison specifically to have sex with her dead body. Spaulding kind of has the girls in a bind – what are they going to do? Report him and bring about ruin to the coven? Zoe also isn’t convinced that he’s telling the truth. “He grew up in a house full of witches,” she reminds Nan when Nan insists that she read his mind correctly. “I bet he picked up a few tricks.”

Also, dolls. Lots of dolls.

Downstairs, Delia has arrived home with Hank in tow helping her to her room. Delia’s upset because of the roses in her room, which pull in love, and demands chrysanthemums, which are used for strength and protection. Every time Hank tries to touch her, Delia sees flashes of what he did to the redheaded woman. The same thing happens when Fiona touches her as Delia sees what she did to Myrtle Snow. Fiona doesn’t apologize, though, saying that she did it for what Myrtle did to Delia. Fiona says Delia’s sudden gift of The Sight “is the greatest gift to have and the hardest one to live with.”

In the swamp, Misty tends her dead person garden, slowly growing Myrtle back to life under a mound of mud, when Kyle returns, still non-verbal as ever. She tries to bring him inside her cabin to give him a bath, but Kyle’s having PTSD issues with older women touching his naked body thanks to his mom. He gets violent, trashing her cabin and breaking her tape player, which is to say her only access to Stevie Nicks music. And that, my friends, is a Bridge Too Far for Misty who sends Kyle away just as Zoe arrives, telling Misty she needs her help.

Zoe brings Misty to Delia’s greenhouse and shows her Madison’s corpse. “She’s already rotting,” Misty tells her. “Plus she’s missing an arm.” Armlessness be damned, Zoe is insistent. Misty tries, but she needs Zoe’s help, telling her to push on Madison’s stomach. CorpseMadison begins to vomit blood, roaches and other horrible things before springing back to life. “I need a cigarette,” Madison says finally.

"I'm gonna need some extra time in the makeup trailer on my next picture…"

At the Hair Salon, who should approach Marie Laveau but Hank himself. He’s angry at Marie for ordering the acid attack on Delia, but Marie claims ignorance. “Do I look like the Taliban to you?,” She asks him. “If I wanted to blind your little wifey, I wouldn’t have to leave my room.” Turns out Hank has been playing the long con with Marie – she hired him six years ago as a professional witch-hunter to infiltrate the house and take it down, along with all the Salem decedents, which Hank swears he’s been doing.

Flashback! Remember the redhead that Hank slept with and murdered? Turns out her name was Kaylee and she was, wait for it, a witch! She even was recruited by Delia to attend the school after being charged with being an arsonist after she magically set her last boyfriend on fire when he wouldn’t marry her. Delia wants her to learn to develop her gifts, but Kaylee says she just wants to find a husband. “I think I have a good shot,” she tells Delia. “I work out. And I play fantasy football.”

"Should I also work on desperation? Men like desperation, right?"

And that’s how Hank got that particularly connection. Kaylee was one of five Salem decedents that he killed for Marie, but Marie accuses him of falling in love with Delia and ruining Marie’s plans. “When I plant a fat-ass cracka in the ground I expect her to stay there,” Marie thunders, referring to Delphine (I hope), “Not come back up like some kind of ragweed.” Marie gives Hank a new mission – “you bring me their heads, all of them, then you burn that place to the ground.”

In the School, Zoe now has two living dead bodies to care for and Misty wants nothing to do with either of them. “I thought you were looking for your tribe,” Zoe says when Misty turns down the offer to stay. “I am,” Misty admits, “But this ain’t it. There’s something foul in this house.”

Could that foul thing be, maybe, the Axeman? But of course! Delia is stumbling blind in her room when she suddenly “sees” the Axeman sitting near her bed.  He didn’t really like witches before, what with the murder and all that, but now he’s really pissed that Zoe promised to release him and then went back on her word. Delia refuses to release him and begins to scream, which brings the girls running. The girls can’t get in, so Zoe goes hunting for a spell in the library of books that they have, magically finding one. The girls begin to chant and upstairs the Axeman vanishes only to emerge from the school and walk out into the night.

At a bar, Fiona has gotten used to rejection from the younger men and it’s about to get worse and she notices that her hair is beginning to fall out from the chemo. Suddenly a man sits next to her. “Well hello, Pretty Lady,” the Axeman smiles at her.