You Found a Prostitute that Takes Traveler's Checks?

The quality of mercy is not strain'd
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven 
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blesst
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

My corset itches, Bassanio. Also, I am really racist.

I once recited, with great aplomb (and hand gestures), that monologue in its entirety in front of an entire undergraduate introductory English class. AND I SCHOOLED THEM. Because why? Because we were studying the play and we all divided up into groups to do different scenes, and no one wanted to be Portia in the courtroom scene, so I volunteered. Why? Because I'm an attention whore, that's why! I WAS THE BEST PORTIA IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. 

Okay, maybe not as cool as this Portia. 

I ran a clinic on that monologue. I posted part of it here so you can search for deeper meaning in the episode bearing the title, "The Quality of Mercy." I assume that if you're reading this blog that that is the kind of thing you spend your time doing. So, have at it. The Merchant of Venice quote is a nice choice, considering all the Jewish jokes spread throughout the show. Oh, anti-Semitism.  *Jazz hands*

Victorian postcard portrayals of saucy wenches and other high-minded strumpets.

Welcome TV Sluts, to the TVSluts Mad Men-a-palooza AMC-a-go-go. This last episode before the finale was like a Mad Men cake with five layers of oh no he didn't, topped with oh no he better don't frosting. And a cherry on top. 

So, Don wakes up shitfaced, in a fetal position, hoping that that dream he had about letting his daughter catch him in bed with the neighbor lady was just a dream. Nope. Nope, that shiz was real. In an act of defiance, Don is drinking Tropicana OJ and not Sunkist. Megan wants Don to take a break, and then she burns the eggs. She asks him to stay home and "sleep it off" today, and then she heads to work. There's all kind of ominous music. 

So, Ken Cosgrove is out hunting with some clients and in an incredibly Dick Cheney move, one of them shoots him instead of whatever fowl they were hunting. Well. Crap.

Ahh, nature. The birds. The trees. The sun. The....ahhh! My eye! My fucking eye!

Three minutes in and we are off to a rousing start. In an ironic twist, Don's home watching a Nixon ad about how he's tough on crime. Tell that to poor fucking Ken Cosgrove, man. Don switches the channel and then he sees Megan, in that bad wig, pretending to be the really French sister of the other French character she plays on TV. She's more French than she is in real life. And Jessica Pare is French Canadian. It's all very meta. Then the phone rings and IT'S BETTY.  Betty wants to talk Sally and Don wants to know what's up, and Sally's been refusing to visit Don. Betty still has no idea what happened and Betty tells Don that Sally wants to go away to a boarding school. 

Carnation Instant Breakfast: Have the energy you need to telephone your ex-husband.

Back at SC&P, Ted's successfully gotten his hands all over Ocean Spray. Ted and Peggy are FLIRTING and telling everyone about this HILARIOUS guy who took them around the plant. He had a red shirt and he talked like a really bad Kennedy impersonator. Hahaha. Hahaha. No, seriously, you had to be there. Ginsberg wants to know if no one has noticed that Cran-Prune sounds like a glass of diarrhea (it does) and Ted tells him they can't change the names. Ginsberg gets up to say he has to use the bathroom, but really it's a ploy to get Ted and Peggy out of the room. Yes, please. Get a room. 

Mmm...kay. To do: 1) Flirt with Peggy.  2) Flirt with Peggy more. 3) Feel guilty. 4) Go home to neglected wife.

The phone rings at Megan and Don's and it's Harry Crane and he has good news!  Now Sunkist wants to deal with SC&P and Don tells Harry that it's a conflict and he has to drop it. Great shorts, Harry. Jeffrey, the fat Sunkist reps, took a look at the media plan and wants to do TV. Don tells Harry he should have told them that they had a conflict with Sunkist. Megan's idea is to take Don out of the apartment.

Don's at a movie with Megan and awkwardly run into Ted and Peggy AT EFFING ROSEMARY'S BABY and Don doesn't like it that Ted is hanging with Peggy and let's remember that Don's supposed to be home sick today. Megan's convinced that Ted and Peggy are having an affair and Don thinks Megan's been on a soap too long.  Ted tries to brush it off by saying they're doing "research" for the St. Joseph aspirin spot. No, you blew off work to play footsie in a dark theater.  Don and Megan head home and Don decides to, yet once more, go behind everyone's back and make a business decision. He phones Harry Crane in Cali.

False alarm. Ken Cosgrove is alive and he hates Michigan a bunch. Chevy has been trying to kill him and Pete tells him to man up. Pete GRACIOUSLY offers to take the Chevy people off Cosgrove's hands. Cosgrove's wife Cynthia is pregnant and he wants off the account, and Pete sees his opportunity and offers his services to take over the account. He cuts a deal with Cosgrove to get Cosgrove off the account. 

You know, cyclops have feelings, too.

At the morning partners meeting (which Joan does not attend), Don and Roger present Sunkist to Cutler and Ted. Sunkist wants an $8 million TV ad, and Cutler is on board with Don and Roger, but Ted hates the idea. Let's remember that Don gave Ted his WORD OF HONOR AS A GENTLEMAN that if Ted pulled strings with Mitchell Rosen, Don would back off Sunkist. Upon agreeing to take the Sunkist account, Ted tells Don he wants Peggy on the account. Because you know. Juice experience. Stuff like that.

Rosemary's Baby. What a RIOT! *Snortgigglegigglesnort*

So Pete has his gun out, which is always a good sign, and Miss Scarlett tries to give Pete advice about firearms. She informs him that he has a .22 and that isn't good for anything but squirrels. Scarlett tells him he's got a meeting with Old Man Cooper, and she straightens his tie. Awwwww. Yeahhhh. Pete Campbell. Gettin' some secretary tail. 

Bert's called a meeting with Roger, Cutler, Cosgrove and, yes, Bob Benson! BOB BENSON!!! Pete hasn't calculated this very well, but he must have been aware that when he volunteered to take Chevy that Cutler put Troutshorts on the Chevy account. Pete doesn't want to work with Bob, and Pete tries to worm out of it, but Cosgrove tries to convince Pete that he needs Troutshorts. Troutshorts graciously leaves so that they can discuss this amongst themselves, but you know he is seething and plotting as he leaves. Plotting. Yes. Plotting.

Cutler lets Pete know that, on no uncertain terms,  he has to work with Troutshorts. Cutler likes Troutshorts. Chevy likes Troutshorts. We all like Troutshorts,  Pete. Pete realizes he's been beaten, thanks them and leaves. Turn that Pete Campbell Smarm-o-Meter up to 11.

So. In potential serial killer news, Pete graciously shakes Bob's hand, and they have a very polite and intense exchange about how Troutshorts is gay, Pete thinks it's sick, and how Pete should watch what he says to people. Or else! See you later, old sport!

Pete yells at Scarlett, thus likely ruining his chances at some potential casual banging and he calls his old buddy Duck Phillips. Pete wants Duck to find a way to get Troutshorts out of the office by way of presenting Troutshorts with some other opportunities. Duck promises to help Pete out if Pete pays him $1,000 for the work, and Pete readily agrees. Meanwhile, Troutshorts esta hablando espanol con su novio (o eso?), Manolo. Dice que Pete es un hijo de punta. MOTHER shows up a bit later, annoying Pete with her -- well, her existence, really. Apparently, Pete has engaged the services of a beleaguered and terrified young nurse, Josephine. MOTHER informs Pete that she's in need of her passport because she's going on a trip and she also tells him that she's spoken to Manolo about the way Pete treats Troutshorts. This causes Pete to blow his stack again because HE GAVE ORDERS that MOTHER wasn't to see Manolo anymore, and Pete says all kinds of insulting things to MOTHER and threatens to fire poor Josephine for...well, because he's an ass.

In future teen delinquent news, Betty and Sally are on their way up to Sally's ritzy private school and Betty steals one of Sally's fries. Betty reminds Sally that one of her friends in school went away to boarding school.

Betty: Did I tell you she hated her mother?

Sally: Good for her.

Betty can't figure out why Sally suddenly wants to go to boarding school, and she figures it has something to do with her. No, worries, Betty. Sally hates the world.

Now, dear, it's all right to be blase, but we want to make sure you're the right kind of blase.

At . other end of the SC&P office, Ted and Peggy are having entirely too much fun with the St. Joseph account, with poor Joan held hostage to witness all of this flirtin' and Ted and Peggy (with Joan in a cameo as The Jewish Mother) 

Peggy soon learns that this is also Ted's O face. 

Ted and Peggy leave the meeting like a couple of giddy school kids after Don agrees to attend casting. This is where he finds out from Joan that the St. Joseph budget is $5,000, but Ted and Peggy have racked up over $35,000 in incidentals. St. Joseph hasn't seen the new budget and Don is livid, wanting to know who's been paying for the casting. Joan says that they have so far, and Don asks if the plan is to spring it on St. Joseph in the meeting. This is where Joan takes the opportunity to remind of him of her lack of power in the agency,  and says, "I don't know, Don. I don't tell them what to do." Don calls St. Joseph while Peggy and Ted are at casting and sends them a budget, and St. Joseph calls Ted during casting and puts a stop to it because they are angry about the budget. Don wants to know why Ted pushed St. Joseph when they've been running the same ad for 20 years, and Ted explains it's because the client wanted a more memorable ad. Peggy came up with some great work and Ted doesn't want to let her down and asks Don to back him up at the meeting the next day. 

Sally begins her overnight at Hogwarts, and this is where we discover that Hogwarts is populated with cynical, chain-smoking, bored little rich girls who expect Sally to bring them liquor, cigarettes, boys, and, if she can score it, weed.

Anyway, so Sally's stuck at this boarding school with some teen skanks. Eager to fit in Sally tells them she can get them anything they want. So, what does she do? She calls Glenn, who brings along one of his uber horny teen friend, weed and alcohol. 

Tonight, on a very special episode of Mad Men.

Duck Phillips calls Pete with some GREAT NEWS. Well, it's great news for Pete, but not-so-great news for SC&P. Turns out, Troutshorts aka Bob Benson aka Alias is a total fake. Total fraud. Didn't go to UPenn. Never went to Deloitte. He called Barriman Bros. because of the info Pete gave him, and they DO remember Bob Benson. Turns out, he is from West Virginia (mountain mama, take me home) and a senior VP's buttboy. Duck says he's never seen anything like this before and Pete says, "I have." Awww. Yeah.

Meanwhile, back at the After School Special, Sally is shitfaced. Glenn's hitting on Sally's roomie, and roomie takes Glenn into another room so he can "read her diary." That's what the kids are calling it these days.

I"m so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm...so...scared.

Glenn's buddy Rolo is putting the moves on Sally, but Sally's about two steps past playing Barbies and also likely has some serious issues with human mating rituals. He gets mad at her, and Sally bangs on the door where Glenn is...banging her roommate. Glenn is mad at Rolo for hitting on Sally because he's like her sister, and Glenn punches Rolo. Did you see that little smile on Sally's face? Oh, I did. Is she totally geeked about witnessing violence or is she happy that someone -- Glenn -- is taking on the daddy role and beating someone up to protect her? A little of both? A little swirl? Glenn has to leave, and you'd think Sally's roomie would be mad at her for being a cockblock, but she seems a little impressed that Sally got a boy to beat up another boy for her sake.

Don and partners sit down to meet with St. Joseph so they can understand all of this spendthrifting. Ted tries to convince St. Joseph that their campaign is worth the money, but St. Joseph isn't buying it. St. Joseph wants a reason, and Don takes charge. He gives a long spiel, giving himself enough time to think of something convincing to pull out of his ass. Don puts Ted on the spot, asking Ted to read his mind and decipher the utter bullshit that is about to come out of Don's mouth. Don tells St. Joseph that it was FRANK GLEASON'S LAST IDEA, humiliating Ted and stealing Peggy's thunder. Don, you are a heel. On the up side, St. Joseph agrees to the campaign and a budget of $25,000. After the partners leave, Peggy gives Don a death look. Ted asks Don WTF that was all about, and Don tells Ted that Ted's feelings for Peggy are getting in the way of his work.

Works wonders for professional rivalry, infidelity and other ailments of the digestion.

Pete confronts Bob and tells Troutshorts that he knows Troutshorts a fake.  Pete decides to keep his enemy closer and offers not to tell anyone about what he found out in exchange for Troutshorts agreeing to work alongside him and not to do anything underhanded or backstabbing. Pete's such a puritanical hypocrite that he thinks he has to take the high ground with Troutshorts, and lecture him about integrity, because Bob's lied about who he is and where he came from, whereas Pete's just been spoiled all his life.

Peggy asks to see Ted and his secretary tells him he's left for the day. Peggy asks when he left, and the secretary tells her he left when Peggy asked to see him. Peggy thinks, "Oh no he better did not!" and marches into that Don Draper's office and gives him a piece of her mind. Peggy accuses Don of killing Ted, killing the ad and killing everything because, as she says, Don can't stand it that Ted is a good man. Don responds with, "He's not that virtuous," and I think anyone who's seen the finale already (which is all of you) can now get behind that statement. Get behind it like Troutshorts behind a VP. 

Betty takes Sally home from Hogwarts and tells her that things went well for her, and that the school would be pleased to have her. Remember when Betty stole a fry? Betty lets Sally have a cig in exchange for said fry. Betty justifies it by saying that she's sure Don has given her a beer.. Sally takes a drag of her cigarette, stares out the window and says, "My father's never given me anything."

Boom! That's it for part one of the Mad Men-a-palooza. Stay tuned for the TVSluts Mad Men Threeway, part of this complete liquid breakfast.

They Shot That Poor Kennedy Boy

Just a typical day at the office, folks. Don's keeping a woman hostage in a hotel room, he sets Ted drunk their first day working together and Joan's puking into a trash can. 

Wow, Don Draper. You certainly do know how to turn a girl's stomach. In this episode, we learn that Don doesn't being stuck in a private plane with Ted Shaw, but he does like keeping his mistress trapped in a hotel room.

Did I ever tell you about the time I was the Red Baron? No? It was 1917 and I was a young, idealistic enlisted man who believed in what we were fighting for. Little did I know that the war was the product of cynical men and it ushered in a cynical time...

In fact, this whole episode is about people being trapped in things. Pete's mom has Alzheimer's and she ends up trapped at his skeezy bachelor pad. 

Oh, and Bobby Kennedy gets shot. But you knew that was coming.

So then I said to her, "Stay here naked until I get back." And she did. These chicks, man. They kill me.

So, Don's headed to work one day. Or coming back from work. I don't know which and frankly, I don't really care. He hears Sylvia and Arnie Rosen having an epic argument, and Arnie's suitcase is in the hallway. Don listens to them argue, makes a sadface and presses the "Close the fucking door now button" before Arnie can storm out and catch Don eavesdropping.

At Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Alphabet Soup (new firm name TBA), there's crap everywhere. It's like Welcome Week on a college campus. Head Secretary Partner Joan is in charge of assigning female secretaries to their male bosses, but she takes a break to escort Peggy to her new office. Which has her name on it. In Magic Marker.

Colonel Sanders Bert Cooper starts off the partners' meeting and Don strolls in late. Because he's Don. Pete smarms in and is mad because he doesn't have a seat. Ted's secretary offers to give up her seat, but Ted tells Pete to take his seat and he sits on the filing cabinet. Also, there are danishes. With what looks like raspberry filling. Nummy. Henry LaMont from New York State thinks there's a conflict of interest in their accounts because SCDP's client list includes Mohawk Airlines as well as the New York transportation board. Ted thinks they should resign the New York account because Mohawk is an airline. Then one of the new partners gets angry at Pete for losing Vicks (and Clearasil as well, apparently) and Don breaks in to say that he will go upstate to soothe Henry LaMonte. He agrees to take Pete, and Joan insists that he take Ted along as well. Ted volunteers to fly them all up in his private plane. Don doesn't like the idea of Ted going or Ted flying them, but he can't defy the other partners. Cue everyone dying in a fiery crash. 

Oh, if only we were so lucky.

Really, Don could drive himself up there and take care of binnis by his own bad self, or at least have some time to get the hell away from all of you people. Pete's girl, Clara, pops in to let Pete know there's an urgent call for him, and Pete leaves the office to deal with his batty mother. Pete's mom is at Pete's apartment, which is where Pete still lives because he's not allowed home. 

Pete's ma is demanding of Pete's maint guy that she be allowed to see Pete's pop because she's convinced that Pete's dad is having an affair. Only problem is that Pops is real dead. Like real, real dead. Pete tells the maint guy to keep Mom liquored up with G&T until he can get there. Pete's brother is Bud sick of taking care of Ma, and he tells Pete it's Pete's turn. Bro of course does not know that Pete is persona non grata with Trude and that they're separated.

Bud's wife is Judy! Not Trudy!

Don welcomes Peggy back to the fold and gives his regards to Bert Peterson, who gets fired by Roger in the following scene. Nobody knows where Don's secretary Dawn is, so when freaking Sylvia calls, she gets Don directly. Since Arnie's flown the coop, she tells him she will spread like buttah for him if he comes over straightaway. Much in the manner of unoriginal hook-ups everywhere, Don agrees to meet her at a hotel at 12:30 for some nibbles.

And this is the point where Don goes off the rails. He has sex with Sylvia and it's gross and awkward and whatnot, but then, sensing lack of control in other areas of his life, he starts ordering Sylvia around. He tells her to get on the floor and crawl over to his shoes, and she refuses, but brings him his shoes and puts them on him. Then he tells her to take off her clothes and get into bed. Sylvia seems a little weirded out, but she plays along. She expects Don to undrape, but Don remains draped and heads back into work, leaving Sylvia alone in the hotel room, with orders for her not to go anywhere. Which she for some reason obeys.

Well, it's news to me that you don't respect me, Don. Frankly, I am shocked.

Over at the office, where people are doing, you know, WORK, creative is working on margarine. Peggy can't find Dawn/Don (neither black nor white, thanks, Ted), and Ted wants to do a "rap session" with the kids in creative to "free associate" about margarine. It's yellow. It spreads easy.

Nutritious, delicious frankenfat.

Peggy puts her useless margarine trivia knowledge to use and mentions that Napoleon III invented margarine as a way to feed his troops because it doesn't spoil. That is actually true. That actually happened. Can we get this girl on Jeopardy? But Ted's hearing a lot about bread. Less bread. More spread. Don waltzes in and Ted is pissed because Don was forty minutes late to the meeting.  Don takes his toast into his office and makes a creepy stalker call to Sylvia at the hotel. He orders her to wait there, with no idea of when he'll be back. Then he tells her not to answer the phone again. Sylvia starts some personal buttah time and he calls again. She follows his orders and doesn't answer, and this turns her on in a weird way. It's like phone sex tag. Or phone tag sex. Or something. Anyway, buttah. 

Don barges into Ted's office with some booze and wants to talk margarine. Ostensibly, it's a peace offering, but Don really wants to get Ted shitfaced because Don can drink the entire merged staff under the table. Don comes up with a campaign strategy for margarine, and Ted falls asleep at the creative table.

Yep.

At Pete's, Bud shows up and refuses to take Ma home. Bud's mad about a business deal of Bud's Pete didn't take him up on forever ago, and Bud won't take Ma back. Ma's place is apparently condemned because she won't clean it anymore, and Bud tells Pete it's his turn. Judy (with a J) won't deal with Mother anymore after Mother smacked her with a tea towel. She's had it. Plain had it. Pete orders Mother to say at his apartment. 

Sylvia isn't creeped out at this point by strange knocks on her door, so she opens the door to Room 503 thinking she will find Lil Dickie Whitman, but instead she finds a box from Saks. She opens it and it's a swank red dress, which she can presumably don. Pun intended. Don swaggers in and Sylvia thinks they're going out, but instead he tells Sylvia to take off the dress. Instead of running screaming out of the room, she does it, while Don watches her with this creepy evil self loathingy hatredy look in his eyes. Anyway, it gave me the irks. Then he goes home and goes to sleep next to the sleeping, clueless Megan. Nice job, Don.

Don's new special work mug?

Joan began today's festivities by puking into a trash can. Her vomiting is interrupted by likely serial killer (or at least planning a hostile takeover of the company), Bob Benson. Joan thinks she has food poisoning, but sister is in pain. Bob convinces Joan to let him help her out of the building and to the hospital. He calls a babysitter for Kevvy and scams the apathetic ER nurse into letting Joan, you know, see a doctor. Bob seems like kind of a decent guy, but then you have to remember that no one on this show is a decent person. I can't tell if he's helping Joan because he's a good person, or if he's taking advantage of an opportunity to gain a partner's loyalty because he knows the merger is creating redundancies. In either case, it's nice to see a man not treat Joan like shit for a change.

Hungover Ted's at the hospital visiting Frank the next morning. Things do not look so great for Frank. As we recall, Frank has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he is failing, despite Ted's chipper can-do attitude that Frank can beat it. Ted admits to Frank that Don pwned him, but Frank's advice to Ted is for him not to fight Don because Don will tire himself out more quickly, because Don views Ted as more of a threat to his roost than Ted views Don.

Peggy is lying in wait in Don's office. She tells him this is a Shut The Door type of convo and berates him for getting Ted drunk at work. I also really dig her outfit in this scene. Peggy's of course still twitterpated with Ted, because of both before and after zees:

Shut the front door!

Don tells Peggy she's adorably angry, pats her on the head and tells her it's just work. Peggy's still angry with Don because he doesn't respect her (WELL, DUH, YOU ARE AFTER ALL FEMALE), so she leaves and slams the door. I love how Peggy takes Don's assholery so personally, when really he is horrible to everyone. Doth the lady protest too much? Oh, she doth. She so doth.

Still no sign of Dawn. She's probably tired of everyone awkwardly hugging her.

Pete's in Harry's office bitching about how he has no clients when Clara comes in and tells him that there's an emergency at his place with Mother. Mother has set his apartment on fire and he must leave the office, presumably to swat her with a tea towel. This means Don is stuck flying up to Albany in a biplane with Ted at the helm. Don clutches at his book for some semblance of mommy control and security while Ted lets Don know that there is a mutha fuckin bad ass on this mutha fuckin plane.  

Bob Benson visits Joan and her mother thinks he is a Very Nice Young Man. And so handsome! And single! And successful! JOAN. Joan had a cyst all up in her lady bits, but she is perfectly fine. Joan's mom wants Joan to get together with Bob, but Joan sayeth she isn't interested. Then she saves him from the chopping block during a partners' meeting, and they let some other poor sap go instead of Bob. Well played, Bob. Well played.

Pete's pissed (again...yawn) when Clara informs him that Don and Ted went up to chat with Henry LaMonte and Mohawk and whoever and things are all cool. Pete had to miss the meeting because Mother is a pyro. He cries and stamps his feet because things are not going his way.

Over at the Hotel Amores Creepos, Sylvia doesn't want to spend another day naked in bed and tells Don she's not hanging around there all day while he goes out and saves the world and she plays blow-up doll. Finally, she tells him that they are done and she is going to ask Arnie to come home. After letting a man degrade her for a day and a half, Sylvia puts her stiletto down. Woo-hoo. Female empowerment. So, in a futile attempt to control someone in a world gone mad, Don learns the futility of his efforts and his existence. Le sigh. 

One awkward elevator ride later and Sylvia walks into her apartment and Don reluctantly goes back to his. He finds Megan there, chattering away about a vacation she wants to take. Don listens politely, but tunes her out. 

Later that night, at Pete's, Mother interrupts Pete's slumber by letting him know that Bobby Kennedy has been shot. Pete dismisses it as her confused rambling, mistaking JFK for Bobby. Pete's self-absorbed nature is at its full height in this episode with his obviously ailing mother-- begrudgingly helping her when  she is unable to think clearly and dismissing her during her one lucid moment.

The next morning, Megan is watching the television coverage of Bobby Kennedy's assassination and crying. Don walks in and sits on the bed, looking totally helpless. Is he thinking that he knows he doesn't love Megan and that maybe he should do the gentlemanly thing and let her go? Is he regretting how he treated Sylvia? Is he bothered by Bobby Kennedy's death? Is it all three? None?

Or perhaps something more pernicious? Perhaps he's having a vision of the future?

Coming soon (in fabulous Technicolor) to a television near you.

At least there's still the Chevy account.

Damn, it's good to be a gangsta.

Also, did you know that Death Cab is doing an Oreos commercial now? Oh, the things you learn when you watch Mad Men.

Update: I have been informed that the Oreo music video marketed directly to hipsters is by Owl City. WELL YOU SOUND LIKE FUCKING BEN GIBBARD.