You're The Love of My Life (At Least Until Next Season)

Okay, folks - only two more episodes to go. That circular white room the vamps keep worrying about is getting closer and closer and our plot lines are getting more and more complex. Also, remember this is True Blood - while there's no nudity, some of the images below may be risqué. Perhaps this is not the best blog post to show your kids. Unless they're evil. 

TD;DR: New vampire mistress Violet claims ownership of Jason leaving the other lady vamps unsure what to do. Alcide frees Nicole and her mother but before they can return home, Sam is able to sense that Nicole is pregnant with his child and tells her he loves her to keep her nearby. Jessica and Steve both are hot for new brooding vampire James and but to save himself, Steve tells Sarah that some of the vampires know the True Blood is tainted. Ben offers to save the vampires, but only if Sookie will become a vampire herself and marry him for eternity. Sookie eventually agrees, rationalizing that she can't fight destiny forever, however when she and Bill go to fetch Ben from the faerie world, Eric has gotten there first...

Recap: Don’t you hate awkward conversations? Don’t you hate awkward conversations with people you kinda don’t really like anyway? Don’t you hate awkward conversations with people you kinda don’t like over the melted bloody remains of your sibling and sometimes paramour? That’s the position Bill finds himself in as he watches Eric mourn Nora’s seriously disgusting death. Eric is less inclined to help Bill with his mission to save everyone, especially since Bill failed to bring Warlow back in time to save Nora. Though, really Eric, you’re thinking a little short considering you die in that vision of Bill’s. Anyway, there’s a lot of cry-yelling, some levitation, some talking trash about each other’s makers, a little questioning the divinity of everyone in the room, the usual before Eric flees.

Who hasn't been there after the death of our 300-year-old incestuous sibling/lover?

At the Oh God We’re Still In This Plotline werewolf camp, the “were-bitches” have had just about enough of Alcide not Nicole and her mother and opt to challenge Alcide for the position of Pack Master. Alcide really needs to think more about the women he has sex with; things never go well with them. Ricki (Nicki? Becki? I can’t recall her name) is betting that Alcide can beat her in a fight but won’t be able to kill her like Werewolf law says. I now find myself really hoping that if there is werewolf law, there are werewolf lawyers who study it. Please VampireJesus, make this a subplot for season seven. Anyway, she’s kinda right. Alcide successfully defends his position, but doesn’t kill her.

At VampCamp, the Mistress inmate is toying with Jason and there’s nothing Willa or Tara can do about it. “That bitch is a dog and he is her bone and she will fucking fuck us up if we fuck with her bone,” Tara summarizes it nicely. Jason confesses to the Mistress that the reason he’s in here is because he was getting sexy with Sarah Newlin and the Mistress devises a plan. She also tells Jason that he is now “hers”, meaning that she can feed off him as she likes. Jason’s worried about being passed around, but she tells him she doesn’t play that way because she’s Catholic. As in, medieval Catholic. So I guess as long as Jason’s not Jewish or trying to occupy the Holy Land or something, he’s okay?

Sookie returns to the Faerie land with Ben still restrained. Damn, sister – screw him and leave him chained to a tombstone. It’s the Bon Temps way, I suppose. Sookie wants Ben to use his blood to help save her vampire friends, yes, including Bill, which Ben isn’t exactly tickled about, even if Sookie is promising that she’ll make his safety a requirement. Ben agrees only on the condition that Sookie will be his, in the vampire way, forever. Sookie heads back to the real world to ponder, unaware that Eric has stumbled upon the gateway between the two dimensions and when he approaches, Ben is able to feel him. “Eternity?” she mutters as she walks away, oblivious. “He couldn’t ask me to go to the movies? It’s like men are incapable of just wanting to date me.”

Sex and the Bayou, starring Sookie Stackhouse

Jessica and James are enjoying their weirdly fully-clothed afterglow in the Vampire Conference Room (why so modest, True Blood?) and James wants to know what’s the story with her and Jason. Eric clearly isn’t the only one facing awkward conversations in this episode. They’re both ready for round two when the lovefest is broken up by two guards. As Jessica is being escorted, they conveniently encounter Pam coming out of her Shrink’s office. The Shrink, having abandoned all pretense at professionalism, is literally zipping up his pants when he asks the guard to take Pam back as well if he’s already going that way. Jessica is mildly appalled asking Pam how it was. “Boozy,” Pam admits, “but productive.”

Sam has come back to his restaurant (you know, the one with his name on it – guess he can’t really fault his waitresses for never making their shifts anymore) when Alcide finds him. Alcide has brought Nicole and her mother to Sam, saying his Pack days are done. Nicole and Sam put her mother to bed with an extra whiskey or two in her and in the process, Sam is able to smell something about Nicole. Intriguing… (Well, actually boring. But I at least applaud the writers for trying to do something with this.)

In the common area of VampCamp, True Blood is back on the menu! Only our heroes know that it’s contaminated, of course. Steve Newlin is hilariously threatened for his bottle and then tries to hit on James. Steve, I know prison sex is a huge theme in gay porn, but this is not going to go how you want it, trust me.  James, fool that he is, warns Steve not to drink the True Blood, thus assuring that this plotline will be foiled.

While considering the possibility of being Ben’s forever, Sookie remembers the first time Warlow tried to come into our reality. For those who never saw, it…wasn’t pleasant. Kind of like a horror movie, actually. In any case, clearly at odds with the attractive man she’s got tied up in a faerie dimension to occasionally have sex with.

Lady Vampire strategy session at VampCamp – turns out the Mistress is named Violet. That’s just because we got rid of two characters in two weeks, so clearly we need to stock back up. The ladies ask Pam to talk to Violet about keeping Jason safe, which leads to the first moment this episode that actually made me laugh out loud – Pam approaches the back wall of the common room which has chambers like a morgue where bodies are kept. Pam knocks on one of them and we hear Violet from inside yelling, “Fuck off, I’m eating” while she's noshing on Jason. I actually really love that in putting together VampCamp, they thought to store vampires in morgue slots in the wall. Well done, set designers.

Worst. Avon Calling. Ever.

The morning after the miserable murder, Arlene is beating herself up for being drunk in front of her kids while Lafayette makes her breakfast and the rest of the Bellfleurs offer their tea and sympathy. It’s sort of like the Golden Girls, honestly, only less cheesecake and more snipers and faerie daughters. I would watch a spinoff show about these people and their wacky madcap adventures is what I’m saying. For their first one, Lafayette tells Arlene about the life insurance policy. In her grief, Arlene’s thoughts indicate she blames herself and the faerie girls, which is overheard by Adilyn, who runs off. Yes, I would definitely watch this spinoff.

Sookie comes to Bill’s house. Bill, who’s just showing off by going outside in the daylight for the conversation, tells Sookie that his plan is to bring Ben to the VampCamp and give all the vampires some of his blood making them immune when the ceiling opens and they get flooded with sunlight. Why he wouldn’t also just, like, break them out seems unplanned at best, but whatever. Bill promises to keep Ben alive, if for no other reason than because they can’t synthesize his blood. Bill is getting short tempered, but Sookie tells him that Ben will only agree to help if he gets to make Sookie a vampire bride so maybe we all have shit that we have to think about, okay?

Sarah Newlin arrives at VampCamp in her best I’m-Totally-Not-Covering-For-The-Governor’s-Death-And-Stealing-His-Prestigue power suit to learn that there’s a hunger strike among a small group of the vampires, one of which is her ex-husband. Her solution is to put him in a giant hamster wheel and make him run until he confesses that his new BFF James who he feels a real connection with told him about the Hep V. In repayment, Sarah arranges for Steve and James to be brought to VampireThunderdome.

Stand aside, Hillary. Mama's got a political agenda to solidify. 

Adilyn deals with the guilt from Arlene (which, btw, she’s taking pretty well considering that she herself just lost three of her twin sisters, like, two days ago but no one’s concerned about that with her) by sneaking off with Holly’s teenage sons who have showed up at her window, Romeos to her telepathic Juliet, with a purloined bottle of alcohol.

Nicole and her mother are about to leave town when Sam confesses his undying love for her. Again, I remind you all that in this show’s continuity, his previous eternal love, Luna, only died, like a week ago. The argument is interrupted by Sookie, making her first appearance at her place of work, literally three-fourths of the way through the season. “Did I come at a bad time?” she asks. Remember folks, she’s supposed to be a telepath. Sookie tells Sam that she’s considering going FaerieSuperNova if it would make her normal for a change and she’s telling Sam because she always figured they’d probably end up together some day. That actually makes more sense that it seems, trust me, but Sam is right to get pissed that the object of his eternal love (maybe he has so many because he’s a shifter? Just considering…) is finally coming around right at the moment that he’s realized that Nicole is pregnant. Hence the sniffing earlier.

Arlene and the other Bellefleurs are making plans for Terry’s funeral. The Mortician says he’ll be buried with full military honors, 21 Gun Salute and all. Arlene points out the irony of such a thing for a man who was shot to death to say nothing of the fact that he knew about his own death. Arlene doesn’t want to keep the money, but Holly and Andy argue that it was his last wish. Arlene agrees on the condition that they get the reverend from the local “black church” to officiate.

Testify!

Sookie visits the graves of her parents and her grandmother to consider their lies to her in their lives and what that means. She To Be or Not To Be’s for a few minutes before deciding that it’s a moot point since literally all three dead Stackhouses keep finding some ghostly way to come back.  “Death is just a fucking pit stop on a road that keeps on going,” she says, deciding between tears to take Ben up on his offer and become a vampire, the very thing her parents were going to kill her to stop he from being rather than spend eternity by their sides in the ground.

The representative from the True Blood manufacturers arrives at the VampCamp demanding to see the Gov and wanting to know what’s going on. Sarah stonewalls her, but offers to make her a deal as fellow “strong women, forging our way ahead in a male-dominated industry.” The True Blood Rep clearly never read her Gloria Steinham because she punches Sarah in the stomach and pushes past her into the lab and realizing that they’re chemically altering the True Blood. Sarah tries to attack her when she goes to call the FDA, but the rep runs into VampCamp and sees everything that’s going on.

It’s unclear what the purpose of this experiment was.

Sarah chases the Rep into one of the vampire common rooms, catching up with her when her high heels get caught in a grate and tackling her. Sarah beats the rep’s head into the grate, causing her blood to drip down to the hungry vampires below. Eventually Sarah kills the rep by stabbing the back of her head with her own high heel. At which point Susan Faludi pretty much just shut off her TV and went to bed.

 "I'll never forget what you've done for me, Manolo Blahnik."

Adilyn and one of the two interchangeable teenage boys are making out in the graveyard, which for Bon Temps probably is the same as Lover’s Lane, when Eric interrupts them. Eric glamours the boys into forgetting they saw him (He also makes them forget they saw Adilyn topless, but he at least apologizes for “taking that one away from you.”) before chasing Adilyn down and feeding off her.

At VampCamp, Violet is getting talk from the guards for not drinking her True Blood rations, but she’s apparently smarter than the average bloodsucker because she’s starting to realize that our heroes aren’t drinking any either. Steve and James, meanwhile, are still in the circular white room when Jessica, Pam, Tara and Willa are brought in. This is looking eerily similar to the scene that Bill saw in his vision a few episodes back.

Sookie tries to call Jason, only getting his voicemail. She tells him about Terry, asks if he knows where their grandfather went and tearfully tells him that she loves him. Then she calls Bill to tell him they have a deal. Later, Sookie is dressed in her Sunday best as she escorts Bill to the faerie dimension. When they arrive, however, Ben is unconscious, his throat ripped open.

And Now, A Very Special Episode About STDs

Apologies, all - I'm behind in the True Blood recaps. The first of two this week, summarizing the two most recent episodes. We're definitely moving into the second half of the season with this one as shit is starting to go down and we even lose a (mostly) major character. Without further ado...

Because there’s never a time when this show doesn’t like to start us directly in the middle of the action, we begin this time with Lafayette (who, you’ll remember, is possessed by the ghost of Sookie’s father) attempting to drown Sookie in a river to finish what he planned on doing all those years ago – kill her before she could be taken by vampires. True Blood logic, everybody! Anyway, Ben saves her before anything can happen and forces Mr. Stackhouse out of Lafayette with his faerie light. GhostDad was hoping for a nice reunion but he pretty much ruined that. Sookie tells Lafayette to tell him to get out of her life forever. So basically she’s doing the same thing all girls say to their fathers at some point, it’s just delayed by about ten years post-puberty. And, you know, drowning.

"Just saying. Father of the Year Award nomination? Off the table."

In VampireDome, Eric and Pam prepare to stare at each other to death. Pam is none too pleased that Eric sired another vampire, but puts that aside to help Eric kill the guards who are watching the room with their guns and seriously freaking out the Gov, Sarah and Steve Newlin who are watching. Take Away Message here: don’t pit Eric and Pam against each other. Bitches will literally eviscerate you.

Bill/Lilith is calling Ben to him/her. Sookie transports her and Ben to the magic faerie dimension that looks like it was shot through a 1970s gauze filter to keep them safe.  Bill, unable to bring Ben to him, gets his professor in the basement to drain him of almost all his blood in order to force a hallucinatory meeting with Lilith.

Jason, pursing a long line of unfortunate choices, is in the VTF recruiting office where he comes on a little strong even for these folk, expressing a significant desire to “fuck these fucking fangers up.” “Why don’t I just go through the interview checklist first,” the recruiter offers. Either way it goes well with Jason providing a litany of what he knows about vampires and the recruiter meeting eagerness in kind and deciding to fetch his supervisor for approval. “Racist fucks,” Jason mutters under his breath as the recruiter walks away.

You know what would be awesome? More time away from the Sam/Nicole plotline. Unfortunately, we’ve got more of it. Nicole wants Sam to face up to who he is, stop running away with Emma, blah blah blah. Sam is doubtful. Yuck. At any rate, Alcide finds his father in the motel that Sam and Nicole are staying in. Pops and one of the “were-bitches” have been, ahem, passing the time but tell him where to find Sam and Nicole. Alcide HULKSMASHs his way into their room, but Sam and Nicole have gone already.

In the faerie realm, Ben tells Sookie that he needs her to restrain him before the sun sets so that he won’t hurt her. Sookie complies, using vines and her magic light to tie him down. Ben meanwhile expresses regret that Sookie had to find out about what her parents were planning. The touching reconciliation could go farther, but he starts to vamp out.

This is so going to go in an S&M-y direction, isn’t it? 

Andy Bellefleur has a talk with his surviving daughter who is about ready for a real name, especially because being called Number Four is kind of an uncomfortable reminder about what happened to the other three. He decides to give her the name Adilyn Braelin Charlene Danica, one name for each sister.

Lafayette is trying to recover from his possession-a-thon with the best way he knows how – copious drugs and crafting. 

For realz. 

He’s interrupted by Terry, who appears shaken (we know why) and gives Lafayette the key to his safety deposit box. Lafayette, rightly, knows something’s up but accepts the key and a very awkward hug from Terry. He also calls Arlene to let her know that her husband is wicked unstable. Arlene panics, worried that Terry will try to kill himself out of guilt from the war. Holly suggests using a vampire to glamour Terry into forgetting about what happened in Iraq, perhaps asking her son’s friend’s dad’s husband who is a vampire. “He owes me one,” she tells Arlene, picking up the phone to call before adding in a conspiratorial whisper, “they’re gay!” And see, True Blood, when you write shit like this it makes me want to fall in love with you all over again.

Sookie is getting the low-down from Ben – he was born in 3532 BC, turned in 3500 BC and he’s been waiting for her the entire time. Uh huh. “So, how did you think this was going to go?” Sookie asks, pointing out that showing up with a contract roughly 6,500 years after becoming a vampire and demanding that she be his faerie bride may not go over like gangbusters and you’d think six thousand years of planning would have yielded something a little more graceful. Like flowers and a box of chocolates, or something. Ben tells her that the contract was arranged in the 17^th century, but he’ll tear it up if she wants him to. He despises that Lilith made him a vampire and if Sookie was with him, it would be okay because with Sookie also a faerie vampire, they’d only need each other’s blood.

At the VampCamp, the Gov is getting smug over Eric being put to the True Death. He brings in Nora as a bargaining chip, saying he’ll kill her to make Eric understand what it feels like to lose someone close to him like the Gov feels now that Eric has “killed” Willa. The Gov’s scientist inject Willa with something they call “Hepatitis V”, which can be spread sexually, hence all that experimental vampire lab sex. They leave them both chained and facing each other.   

I really wanted this scientists to have a fake stereotypical German accent, but alas. He was American. 

Bill, through the help of blood loss, is able to meet with Lilith who tells him that The Tyrant took Jessica and “The Blonde” took their salvation and basically Bill is the biggest disappointment she’s seen which, given her age, you have to admit is saying something. Lilith warns him not to come to her again and instead he needs to grow a pair, man up and act.

Sam meanwhile has called Martha, Emma’s grandmother, to come get her provided that she’ll be kept safe from the Pack. Martha tells Sam that she’s left the Pack and seems genuinely grateful. Sam says what is probably supposed to be a heart-rending goodbye to Emma, but honestly since we’ve only spent like three minutes of screen-time on these two together this season, it’s hard to muster the tears. Later, Alcide catches up with them and gets pissed to see that Emma has already been taken away. Sam calls Alcide out, tells him to stop being a dick or come at him already. Alcide tells Sam to leave town if he knows what’s good for him and that Alcide may not kill Sam, but he won’t stop his pack from doing it.

Arlene and Holly welcome in the gay vampire (conservatively, but fashionably dressed, btw) to hypnotize Terry. Arlene asks the vampire to ensure that Terry remembers nothing about the war and only remembers his family and his civilian life. Finally, a life of happiness and contentment can be theirs!

"I'm sure our long-fought struggle for emotional and familial stability will in no way be undermined by actions one of us has taken without consulting the other."

Jason is regaling the VTF with his war stories about Rambo-ing the Authority last season when Sarah enters the room. Jason admits to her privately that he’s getting Jessica out and if she tattles on him, he’ll reveal her secrets as well. Willa, meanwhile, demands that her father put her with the rest of the vampires instead of solitary, despite the Gov’s insistence that she needs to be kept safe so that they can “fix” her.  

As Bill rejoins the land of the somewhat living, news hits that the Gov has made an agreement with the makers of True Blood to start up production again. Bill fears time has run out and swallows Ben’s blood, allowing him to go outside in the daylight for the first time in 150 years.

In creepy emotionally abusive news, Sarah Newlin isn’t about to take Jason’s threats laying down. Unlike everything else of his that she’s taken in that position. (hey-o!) She arranges for Jason to observe the vampire’s “copulation study” process from behind a one-way mirror. Naturally, one of the two subjects is Jessica. Her “study partner” is just as squicked out, insisting that he’s a vampire, not a rapist. He is hit with bursts of sunlight for protesting. Jessica sobs and tells him just to have sex with her to spare him, but the vampire with the heart of gold refuses. Sarah orders Jessica removed from the room.

At Merlotte’s Bar and Grill, Terry has a new lease on life and Arlene couldn’t be happier. Life is good! Terry gleefully going about his job, cleaning up the kitchen and taking the trash out. Which is when the shot rings out. Arlene runs outside to see Terry shot through the neck and bleeding out on the ground. She holds Terry to her as Terry slowly dies in her arms. Okay, I know I said I was tired of this plot last time, but man. Harsh.

Damn. That's cold, brah. 

The Gov is conducting a dramatic reading of the Bible when Bill invades his compound, wooden bullets flying right through him without harming him. Bill uses his new abilities to make all the guards shoot each other and demands that Gov tell him about the room where all the vampires are executed by the sunlight. The Gov doesn’t want to play, refusing information and saying that Bill killing him will just turn him into a martyr for the cause. “Cut off my head and another grows in its place,” the Gov warns. Bill decides to take his chances…and literally rips the Gov’s head off.

"Alas, poor Yorrick..."

Nora isn’t looking too good, the Hep V disease working into her system. Eric summons Willa from the common room, who glamours the pervy guard who tried to her to blow him last time into  taking her to the room Eric and Nora are being held. Eric and Nora dress in guard and doctor clothes and pretend to take Willa hostage in order to flee the facility, but Willa insists they get Tara and Jessica as well. In the search, Eric discovers that the facility is the True Blood bottling plant and that the scientists have been contaminating the new True Blood supply with Hep V. 

In the spirit of truthful things, Sookie is still talking with Ben and confessing that she knows that everyone in town thinks she is “a danger whore.” Ben snarks that he’s had the same problem, why do you think he lived alone for thousands of years? Sookie wonders if they’re right, given that she’s developed feelings for Ben and she’s at least finally aware that she’s got a pattern going. Then, to prove the point, she offers her blood to Ben, knowing he needs to feed. Him biting her leads to her biting him which leads to her removing Ben’s pants which leads the hot sweaty sexytime. As the two grind each other, they both begin to glow.

Offered without comment. 

F*ck the Pain Away

Folks, subtly is not True Blood's thing. We know this. This week's episode, "Fuck the Pain Away", pretty much does exactly what it says on the tin. If last week brought back some of the humor, this week brought back the over-the-top sex. Enjoy!

Remember when Sookie cooked up a master plan to reveal to the big bad Warlow that she knew who he was by making out with him in a half-clothed state on her couch? Yup, we’re still there. Ben/Warlow says she doesn’t understand, she is his intended, he waited a millennia, blah blah blah. Man, guys will say anything to get laid, won’t they? He says he’s loved her for 1,000 years. “Then why did you kill my parents?” she asks. Ben/Warlow drops the bomb: he says he actually saved Sookie and that her parents were going to kill her on that bridge. “Bullshit,” Sookie says, blasting him with her magic fairy ball of light. Who is this strange blonde girl who looks like Sookie but finally asks discriminating questions of her vampire suitors?

Jessica meanwhile is freaking out after her smorgas-fairy-bord. Thing is, fairy blood makes vampires high and Jess has just done the equivalent of a speedball which is why she’s suddenly trying to make out with Bill, her sire and surrogate father. Jess, you have so many issues. In fairy vino veritas, you know? Anyway, right then, Bill feels the impact of Sookie’s fairy attack on Ben.

Sookie explains to Ben that he doesn’t love her, he’s just another in a long line of jerk Creatures of the Night trying to own her and he can fuck off and it’s all got this total second-wave feminism vibe, but then Bill shows up looking for Ben and finds them both in their underwear.

Awkward half-naked revelations? Must be Tuesday.

Ben tries to threaten Bill away, saying he’ll kill him, but Bill is all “Um, remember how I’m kind of Lilith? I’m totally your maker. Now scoot, you’re coming with me.”

Andy Bellefleur, meanwhile, has raced to Bill’s house just in time to see the remains of his four fairy daughters slaughtered in the living room. Jess hides in the closet while Andy understandably panics. Thankfully, one of the four seems to have survived! (Guess it’s a good thing we didn’t bond with the other ones by giving them names.)

Tara tells Eric that the Gov’s men have taken Pam. Because of an inability to plan for anything better, Eric and Tara agree to get taken themselves in order to find her. Pam, meanwhile, has been brought to the camp. On the way to her cell she sees that the camp is making vampires run on big hamster wheels, have teeth pulled and have superfast, kinda hot in a CGI way sex with humans. “All in the name of science, huh?” Pam asks. Thing is, you know the thing Pam’s pissed about most is being forced to wear that stupid prison jumpsuit.

Sarah Newlin has apparently been comforting the Gov from his very recent decision to commit his daughter to the Camp in a particularly sexy way judging by their removed clothes. Hey, Sarah says, I got burned by vampires, you got burned by vampires, clearly that means that we should have a baby together. But I need a ring first, I’m a good Christian lady. Except for when I was cheating on my husband with Jason Stackhouse. The Gov is still sort of grieving his daughter (she’s been undead to him for, what, an hour?), so he’s less inclined to Learn to Love Again, despite Sarah’s apparently considerable assets. Financial ones, I mean.

And, yes, the other kind too.

Bill bringsBen to the lab in his basement to draw some of Ben’s blood for testing,. In the process, we flashback to 3500 BC where prehistoric Ben and his prehistoric pregnant wife gather in their prehistoric nomadic tribe on the steppe somewhere. Tellingly, people in prehistory were just as attractive and bathed as the swamp trash in this universe’s Louisiana. Yay, continuity! Pre-history was also filmed through an instagram filter, just in case you were wondering. Things could have been beautiful for the budding family, if Lilith hadn’t been drawn to Ben one night when he was alone at the water and instantly had sex with him. (like, instantly, guys. No preparation – she just jumped into his arms and he was apparently set to start thrusting.) Lilith told Ben he was destined to save Vampire kind and turned him.

Jason finds sad, dejected Sarah at his front door when he gets home, though she tells him she has a “new, powerful man” in her life now. “That’s good,” Jason says to her genuinely, “because Steve turned out to be a gay vampire.” Never leave us, True Bloodstaff writers. Either way, Sarah is here to save Jason’s soul, by which she means, in her words, “God wants me to fuck you.” Jason’s been trying to walk the straight and narrow with women lately, but come on – we all know where this is going.

Right about here.

Andy brings his barely alive daughter back to the Sheriff’s Office and fishes some vampire blood out of the evidence room to feed to her, just barely managing to bring her back. She confesses everything, including Bill taking her blood. Later, Andy is about to hunt down Bill when Holly points out what a stupid idea that is and that Bill isn’t going to be stopped by a wooden bullet. Holly also agrees to lie and tell everyone that the girls “went back to their mama” rather than admit the truth.

In a run down bar, Alcide approaches a werewolf prostitute (spin-off show!) for information about Sam, but Jenny the whore doesn’t know anything. The rest of the bar is just as reluctant to help out. When his father challenges Alcide as to why he’s going to such lengths to find Emma, Alcide erupts, throwing him to the ground and kicking him out.

Jessica, still a little bloody and crying, rouses Jason from his post-sex nap, hysterical. She tells Jason what she’s done and confesses that it actually turned her on to eat a fairy. Jessica wonders if this reaction is because it’s the Devil’s work and what if Bill isn’t God after all, but the other one? When Sarah emerges from the bedroom, Jess recognizes her as Steve’s ex-wife and the leading bigot of the anti-Vampire brigade. Sarah calls Jess a whore and Jessica attacks, alternating between looking to bite Sarah and maybe do something kinda sexy with her. Sarah seems weirdly calm, quotes the bible and rescinds Jessica’s invitation to Jason’s house, causing Jessica to be thrown from the house into a cadre of the Governor’s armed guard waiting outside. Um… how dafuq…?

Eric is brought into a circular room with four other Vampires, one that looks suspiciously like the one Bill saw in his vision. It quickly becomes apparent that the room is designed to “scientifically” test the vampires in such a way as any that fail a test gets shot with the Gov’s special bullets. Because he’s Eric, Eric wins.

Pam, meanwhile, is being psychoanalyzed in a shrink’s office. Pam says she’s not going to talk about her feelings, but she is willing to try out that room where they’ve got the vampires fucking people. Pam’s a giver, really. If Pam agrees to talk, they’ll let her feed from a willing human donor. Pam requests a woman. 

Om nom nom

The Shrink wants to know what value she places on any given human life? Pam tells him in his case, none; he’s food. “And not even good food. You smell like tuna fish.”

Sookie finds Lafayette at Merlotte’s. Lafayette wants to know what she’s doing her “because it sure isn’t work.” Good to see the show has a sense of humor about how Sookie never actually makes it to her shifts. Sookie tells Lafayette about Ben and asks him to help her communicate with her dead parents to learn the truth.

Terry is reminiscing with Justin, an old war buddy, trying to keep it casual, but Justin isn’t a fool and wants to know what’s going on. Terry drops the bomb and tells him that he wants Justin to kill him on account of his ongoing war guilt. Clearly he’s not talked about this with Arlene who’s suspicious. Justin, who was a sniper in the war, agrees to kill Terry at some point in the next few days and Terry will never know it’s coming. Thing is, I like Terry and his post-war PTSD Iraq stuff, but Jesus I’m tired of this storyline. I’m almost rooting for Justin in this one.

In the hotel, Nicole tries to sneak out of the room when Sam wakes up. Nicole is getting a dose of what being a shifter is like, what with all the running and hiding and death.  When Sam checks on Emma, she attempts to call her parents from a payphone. Sam stops her, pointing out that if the Wolves find her parents, they’ll kill them. Unknown to both of them, they just happen to be at the same motel as Alcide’s father, who watches them curiously.

Jessica is brought into the Camp and finds Tara. Jessica is still coming down from the fairy blood and rambling about the Devil. Tara tries to comfort her as much as she can.  When Jessica turns down the government-rationed True Blood, the other vampires swarm her and Tara. The vamps are called away by a woman. “I guess now you girls owe me,” the woman says.

Next time, on True Blood...

Just then, Tara spots the guards bringing in Willa and puts two and two together about what’s happened to her. The guard brings Willa to her cell but not without offering to make things easier for her if she “gets friendly” with him. Daddy Gov isn’t going to be much help here, Willa.

Now that she’s had her fill of pretty girl, Pam is a regular Chatty Cathy with the shrink, spilling all sorts of info about how Vampires group and relate to each other. She tenses up though when the shrink asks about her Maker. She admits that Eric released her, but insists that she feels nothing for him anymore, waxing philosophical about how Vampires can take pain because of the promise of eternity. The Shrink isn’t convinced, however.

Jason decides to take matters into his own hands following the fall out with Sarah and joins the VTF, the Gov’s guards. Sookie and Lafayette, meanwhile, prepare for a séance to talk with Sookie’s parents, despite Lafaeyette’s warnings that this may not be awesome. Lafayette begins very undramatically (“Listen up, Dead Folks!”), shoos away a couple of the other spirits that want to talk. And that’s when the creepy starts.

"It's gonna get awkward if we have to do that Whoopie Goldberg scene from Ghost."

The room goes dark, lights go out. Lafayette tells them to “calm the fuck down.” Sookie listens to Lafayette’s thoughts, through which she can see her parents remembering Ben/Warlow coming to them years ago asking for Sookie, but her parents refused to give her up. Instead they took her into the car to go to the bridge with the intention of killing her, rather than let her be turned into a monster.  In the present, Sookie’s father possesses Lafayette and warns Sookie not to believe Ben when he says that he loves Sookie. He then subdues Sookie, taking her to the river in an attempt to continue to “save” her.

In Bill’s basement, Ben remembers going back to his village a vampire and, being unable to control himself around a bunch of half fairies, slaughtering them all. Except for one little boy who, natch, is Sookie and Jason’s Grandpa. And Warlow’s son. Yup.

In the Camp, Sarah has brought the Governor a “surprise” – Steve Newlin who show’s the Gov the vampire torture room with Eric in it. The Gov tells Eric that his plan didn’t work – the Gov isn’t sympathetic, in fact he’s imprisoned Willa. Eric is given a stake as a door opens and Pam is ushered in and the two are ordered to fight to the death. 

Two vampires enter, one vampire leaves...

Margarine Is Indestructible

Beware of all caps. I got unreasonably excited during this episode, so if all caps or excessive exclamation points bothers you or hurts your eyes, abandon all hope ye who enter here. And suchlike.

Vamos a empezar.

This.

We begin this week's episode with a board meeting to strategize the SCDP frankenfat presentation.

One part dick-measuring to two parts pissing contest. Dash of marking your territory. And stir.

Ted's strategy is to sell Fleischmann's on the taste factor, emphasizing that it costs more than Blue Bonnet because it tastes better. Don disagrees and thinks they should take the stance that price is irrelevant because the question is whether or not margarine tastes better than butter (it doesn't). They argue about the market share, which is much higher than butter.  Pete thinks they should go on taste alone.

Don beckons Peggy and asks her which she'd choose if she were in the market for margarine (blech), and Peggy responds that she'd buy the cheaper one. Ted asks which one she thinks would taste better, the cheaper one or the more expensive one. Pete chimes in to say they can't tell the client their product is expensive, and Peggy's trying to figure out which person in the room she'd rather side with, and which person is actually in charge, so she demurs from making an actual choice. Really didn't matter to her, leaving Don and Ted annoyed that she didn't side with either of them. Well, that was certainly a...creative response, Peggy. Now how about something useful? 

Did we miss something here?

I bet Peggy doesn't even buy margarine. And look at those lamps! Hahaha!

Harry advises Pete to go see a head-hunter while things are going reasonably well for SCDP because Harry feels like SCDP is a hot mess.

Cut to Megan on the set of All My Children (or whatever), sporting terrible blonde wig, enacting an office scene (ha!). In true soap opera form, Megan is portraying Collette, her regular maid character's sister.  Apparently Collette is having an affair with Arlene's character's husband. Oh, irony. The director is giving Megan crap because he doesn't feel like Megan is making the two characters distinct enough. WTF. It's a crappy daytime soap, not the Orphan Black auditions.

Back at la oficina, Don walks into Peggy's office and wants to know why Peggy didn't look at the options they presented her in the meeting and form an opinion.  It's what professionals do. Don is such a dick. Don wants Peggy's opinion and Peggy doesn't want to give an opinion because does her opinion matter, really? Really, does it Don? Or do you and Ted just want to prove that one of you is right all the time? Peggy tells Don that Ted doesn't belittle her, and Don basically tells her to wait and he will. 

At a swank fundraising affair, Betty's out smoking in the hallway.  Henry's off making phone calls and over slinks some tux named Stuart, who hits on her. Betty rebuffs his advances, but he's insistent.  Betty's lost a pretty significant amount of weight and she's feeling much better about the way she looks. But Stuart can dream on.

I'm back, bitches.

Peggy comes home and finds that Abe has been stabbed. Stabbed. The police officer gives Abe a hard time because he won't identify the ethnicity of his attacker. Peggy is angry with Abe for not being more cooperative with the popos. Abe is angry with Peggy for siding with the "fascist pig" cops. Peggy tells Abe she's willing to let him do whatever he wants, and Abe gets even angrier with her. Peggy threatens to sell "this shithole."

Don comes home to his wife (for a change) and they awkwardly discuss their day. Megan explains to Don that she just can't manage  what the director is asking of her, and Don decides to skip dinner and go watch the teevee. Their marriage seems kinda ovah.

In a cab on the way home, Henry and Betty talk about the evening. Henry noticed that Betty received a lot of attention from admirers, particularly the pervy Stuart. Henry demands to know what Stuart said to her, and Betty demurely evades the question until Henry insists she tell him. This turns him on for some reason and they suck face in the car. 

At SCDP the next morning, Margaret has brought her son into work for him to spend the day with Grandpa Roger. Would he like to meet his Uncle Kevvy, I wonder? Playdate?

Over at Pete's, Pete's having a clandestine meeting. OMG, IT'S DUCK PHILLIPS!!! Remember Duck Phillips? Holy crap!  Pete is meeting with Duck at Pete's to talk business. Duck's found Bert Peterson a job. Duck offers a marketing job in Wichita and Pete's reluctant to move to Kansas. Duck's concerned about Pete's lack of a role in the management structure at SCDP and he wants to know what happened with Vick's. Ha!

Let's explore my humanity in a way in which I don't end up wearing a bathrobe all day and drooling.

Duck tells Pete if he can get to a higher position at SCDP, he can get him a better offer than Wichita. Pete wants to spend more time at the office, but Mother has run amok. 

Don's on his way to join the Francis fam for some family bonding to visit Bobby at his summer camp. Yes. Don Draper goes camping. It's like Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. Except more rustic.

Don pulls up at an Esso gas station out in BFE and calls for the attendant, who ignores him. He gets out of the car and repeats his request to the attendant for assistance, and the attendant is distracted by a fine female ass leaning into the front seat of her car. Don joins him the admiration. Please, dear Lord, let that be Betty. HAHAHA. OMG IT'S BETTY! YES!! 

Betty's lost, so she pulled over at this station to find Bobby's camp. WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THE SAME ESSO STATION THAT DON HAS PULLED INTO. PERFECT. Don has forgotten how hot Betty is Betty has forgotten how mad she is at Don. 

Howdy, lil lady. Are you lost?

They are hot for each other cordial as they try to figure out where they are going. The attendant gives Betty some directions and Betty wants to know if there are any street names. Of course there aren't any. You're in BFE. That's the point of camp, Betty. Don gallantly instructs Betty to follow him in his car. PLEASE, PLEASE LET THEM HAVE HATE SEX. PLEASE. 

Why, hello, stranger. 

Back at the office, Fleischmann's wants more market share figures. Ted drags Peggy into an office and asks her WTF she was doing during the presentation. Peggy said she was sticking to the plan. The plan where...the plan where she doesn't say anything to Don about his margarine idea... Right? Ted tells her, no, that's not what I meant, dammit!  She touched his hand during the presentation! Gasp! And then she smiled at him! Gasp! You can't do that, Peggy! I should never have kissed you. Peggy says she thought they were forgetting about that. Ted says he hasn't forgotten.  What an old tune. The boss in love with is protege. OMG!! He is in l'amour with her!! Squee!!

Pete asks for Joan's advice on a personal matter. He's trying to find his mom a nurse because Mother is proving difficult. Joan tells him she's not sure how she can help, but she will try. Then he tries to ask her out, unaware that Joan is now seeing Bob Benson.

This conversation isn't a vague come-on. Okay. Yes, it is. And it's also not necessarily vague.

The second half hour starts off with Megan's swingy costar Arlene arriving at Megan and Don's apartment. They have some wine and some girl chat, but who cares? We all want to see Don and Betty screw. 

Back at band camp, Don's trying his awkward best to be a better dad. Don's snuck some hooch into camp and sits on the porch with Betty. Don says he never went to camp and Betty reminds him that he's been to camp with her family. He meant during his shitty childhood during which they had to go to the bathroom in an outhouse and trap possums for dinner. Like every day. And not for funzies. Anyway, Betty talks about the time that Don went camping with the Hofstadt fam and Don got into an argument with Betty's dad. After which, Don and Betty went into the woods and made Sally. That explains so much. Don and Betty say goodnight, and Betty holds his outstretched hand for a moment. You think Don's going to go into her cabin, but he doesn't move.

Hey, stud.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO US, MATTHEW WEINER. 

But then she leaves the door open.

Then Don goes in.

THEN THEY KISS!!! YES!!!!!

HOW HAPPY ARE YOU???

Those lazy, hazy, horny days of summer.

MEANWHILE, Megan confesses to Arlene that she is feeling lonely in her relationship with Don.  Oh, the irony. Arlene kisses Megan and Megan gets angry because feels like Arlene is taking advantage of her. Arlene feels like Megan asked her over for sexy time, but Megan insists she isn't into lady bits. Arlene leaves. Poor Megan. She is getting pwned all over the place. Also, I feel Megan already had this convo with Arlene when she and her husband asked them to swing. Jeez, Arlene. Get a clue.

Anyway. AFTERWARD. Betty is smoking a cigarette and Don confesses that he has missed her. Betty feels sorry for Megan because Megan doesn't know that loving Don is the worst way to get to his heart. Betty's figured out the best way to hold Don's attention is to have sex with him a bunch while he's married to someone else. Betty Francis learning curve FTW.

Betty also lets him know that this is not going to be A Thing. I'm sure Betty's figured out that the only real way to hold Don's attention for any span of time is to be his mistress. Don wants her because now she's unattainable. 

Riot grrrll!

Okay, Don and Betty sleeping together is total fan service, but you know you saw that, ahem, coming. I hope she gets preggo again. And has to lie to Henry. Hahahahahaha.

At Peggy and Abe's, someone threw a rock through their bedroom window. Peggy's worried that someone saw Abe talking to the police and they're retaliating. Peggy tells Abe she's scared to live in this neighborhood, and Abe agrees to put the house on the market. Peggy decides to sleep in the living room that night because she's afraid to sleep in the bedroom.

The morning after, Margaret's mad at Roger for taking her son to see Planet of the Apes on Don's recommendation. Margaret's son is having nightmares, and Margaret is pissed. Margaret tells Roger he has to call Mona the next time he wants to see his grandson and that Mona has to be there.  I think Margaret is overreacting just a smidge. At camp, Betty's having breakfast with Henry and he politely says good morning to Henry, who apparently doesn't suspect. Don goes over to a far corner and eats breakfast all by his lonesome. 

At Joanie's, Joanie's going to the beach with Bob Benson. Joan tells Bob that Pete is looking for a good nurse for his mom. Then Roger shows up. Roger has no idea who Bob is and Bob is like, I work for you. I'm the smarmy guy in accounts. Remember?

Roger comes up with a lame excuse for why he's dropping in unannounced because Bob of course cannot know that Roger is Kevin's father. All seriousness aside, WTF is up with Bob's shorts?

You guys! Guess if I've paired these snazzy shorts with socks and sandals. Go ahead. Take a guess.

I get that this was the fashion, but what is the pattern on those? Trout? WTF.

PEGGY HAS A BAYONET. Which I find hilarious. Because it is World War I. There's apparently a riot going on (in Spanish) outside, which is not in fact WWI. Abe comes in and asks Peggy what's going on. Peggy turns around. THEN PEGGY STABS ABE. 

In the ambulance, Abe tells Peggy that her activities are "offensive to his every waking moment" and basically breaks up with her while he's struggling to stay alive. Most epic break-up ever. I have about had it with Abe, but I was hoping that Peggy could at least do the dumping this time around. Nope. No such luck. To top it all off, the EMT hears it all. Now Peggy has been publicly dumped by a guy who is bleeding out. Sorry, sister. However, I do enjoy that Abe got stabbed a bunch in this episode.  That kind of filled me with glee.

IT IS TOTALLY WORLD WAR I. 

At Megan and Don's, Megan tells Don that she's unhappy and that he feels distant. He kisses her, and they seem to reconcile for the time being.

Roger presents Joan with some Lincoln Logs for Kevin. Joan tells Roger that he can't drop in on her and act like Kevin's father whenever he wants. It's better for Kevin to think that his father is Greg, although Greg is in Vietnam. That's right, Roger. An absent rapist jerk-off is a better father figure for Kevvy than you are.

Bob enters Pete's office and tells Pete he's aware that Pete needs a nurse for his mother. Bob gives Pete a recommendation for a nurse. That's a nice gesture, but I still think Bob is on the make. 

Peggy knocks on Ted's door the next morning. Abe got stabbed, but he's going to be fine. Peggy tells Ted that she and Abe have broken up, in the hopes that he'd be willing to have a relationship with her.  It's not a completely far-fetched hope, since Ted did tell Peggy he was in love with her and she's seen many a coworker leave his wife for a younger woman (:coughcoughRogercough).  Peggy's not so lucky (when is she, really?). Ted basically rebuffs her, and Peggy leaves his office, blinking back tears. 

Okay, this has gotten real old.

Different guy. Same story. The final scene shows Peggy standing in the hallway between Don and Ted's respective offices. Perhaps realizing that they're the same French actress in two different wigs?

Oh, Peggy. What can I say?

New episode next week. Let's watch to see if Peggy catches a break, or if her dreams of  eventually finding a fulfilling relationship come crashing down in a burning pile of rubble and hellfire. 

Which lucky cast member will get stabbed next week?