What If God Was (A Vampire Like) One Of Us?

Hi All - A little delayed, but here's the recap for last week's episode of True Blood, "The Sun."

TL;DR:  Surprise! The guy we thought was Warlow is actually the Stackhouse pater familias who tells Sookie she can kill every vampire at the price of her faerie-tude. The Governor has a few technological tricks up his sleeve including silver-UV bullets, glamour-resistant contacts and a sense of the dramatic. Sookie meets yet another handsome wounded man who is half-faerie. Eric has a plan involving the Governor's daughter. Bill has a Lilith-acid trip and learns that he is JesusVampire and can see the future and we're ALL GOING TO DIE!


FULL STORY: While Sookie sleeps and the magic fairy contract glows, a monster or possibly Odin from the Neil Gaiman universe rips open a tear in the fabric of space and time and forces himself into our world. NotOdin bears his vampiric teeth and vanishes into the night. I would kind of love this show forever if it turns out he’s just popping around to our world because whatever hell dimension he is from just doesn’t have twinkies or something and he’s really got a craving.

"In the event of inter-dimensional invasion, the secondary party as described by the blood oath in section 2, paragraph 1, shall be entitled to full compensation via faerie orgy party."

Warlow stops Jason from crashing the car into a tree with magic laser blasts out of his hands. Since the only reason the car was crashing to begin with is that Warlow, who was driving, vanished out of it, seems like there was an easier solution. The laser blasts are at least quickly explained – Rutger Hauer is actually not Warlow (joke’s on us) – he’s Jason’s Fairy Grandfather. Oh True Blood. I really do love you sometimes for the things you let me write. Anyway, the reason he convinces Jason he is who he says he is by telling him he knows about the “juicy porn” that Jason keeps stashed under the bed. He cooked up the hitchhiker opportunity to test Jason’s ability to defend himself against Warlow – and Jason has failed. In fairness, if Grandpa has been watching Jason for years, the news that Jason can’t trust people or keep his mouth shut when big things are afoot really shouldn’t have needed any more proving. Grandpa tells Jason that something big is coming and neither he nor Sookie is ready.

At Fangtasia, Tara is in pain after being shot by the National Guard and she isn’t healing. Eric and Nora figure out that the bullet is made of silver and emitting UV light. The Governor’s folk have been watching a lot of Underworld, apparently. Nora admits that the Vampire Authority was talking about humans developing new weapons. Eric says he isn’t scared, but Pam points out that “there’s more of them than us, maybe we shouldbe scared.”

At Bill’s house, Jessica wakes up to Bill screaming downstairs. He is manic, insisting that he can feel all the vampires’ pain, everywhere, and has visions of vampires being harmed in different ways including one who is being chained and dragged behind a car. (Subtle, True Blood.) Bill goes into a kind of trance where he sees himself being led by three naked and bloodied women through a field to a woman who appears to be Lilith, who tells Bill that events have been set in motion. A Tide Is Rising. It Is The Beginning of the End. Etc, etc. Jeez, even vampires’ prophetic dreams are cryptic. Lilith tells Bill he’s not a God, although one day people may worship him as one. (Foreshadowing!) There is only one God, and He created Lilith as a Vampire and Adam and Eve as humans. Theological differences aside, Bill must complete Lilith’s “work”. Just when we might find out what that is, Jessica manages to snap Bill out of the trance, saying she’s ordered delivery for him.

 From the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog in Hell.

Sookie wakes to a phone call from Arlene who is upset that Sookie (again) has not shown up for work. Terry and Arlene notice that one of the pregnant women who has just entered the very busy Merlotte’s bar is the wife of Patrick, Terry’s old army buddy from last season. The wife demands to know what happened to Patrick, assuming he left her for another girl. Loveable Oaf Terry wants to tell her the truth – that he was implicit in the summoning of an Ifrit that almost consumed everyone from their unit in Iraq but Terry killed Patrick thus allowing the Ifrit to resolve its bloodcurse without further destruction, but Sensible Human Arlene steps in, telling her that yes, sweetheart, he left you. Men, right? Ice cream? It’s Death By Chocolate!

Sookie hauls herself to work for once and passes a potential love interest strange man in the bayou groaning. “Not today. I have a real job,” Sookie hilariously tells herself before giving in and checking on the man. The thing is, no one on this show ever just has a stomach ache, so I honestly can understand her logic that a groaning or wounded man on the side of the street is certain to be a supernatural entity that will probably look amazing with his shirt off and that’s just not the distraction she needs right now. The man says a vampire attached her, but she hears his thoughts that it was for his blood. Sookie asks him telepathically if he’s a faerie, to which he responds that he’s a halfblood, like her. She drags him back home (Again, Sookie gets out of going to work. How does she afford her house?) as he tells her that she reminds him of the first girl he ever fell in love with, but she's nicer.

There's only so much Meet Cute FLOTUS can take.

At Merlotte’s, Arlene seats a collection of cool kids who have arrived to be ironic in places you’ve never heard of. One wants to know if the food is organic. “This is Bon Temps,” Arlene tells them. “Around here, that means you play the piano in church.” Meanwhile, Sam checks in with Lafeyette who is watching little Whatshername by allowing her to play dress up tea party with him.

Whatshername literally could not have picked a better person in Bon Temps for this job. 

One of the hipsters asks for Sam by name, saying she knows he’s a shifter and she’d like to start a dialogue between humans and supernaturals and she knows he’s been targeted by hate groups. The girl, Nicole, is the founder of the Vampire Unity Society and she wants Sam to “come out” and tell his story to the world because politicians are forcing them to stay hidden. She’s basically like a one-woman ACT UP intern who’s probably just graduated from Berkley and wants to live in an environmentally friendly co-op and refer to people as “the Movement.” Nicole admits that her mixed-race grandparents were Freedom Riders and, once again, True Blood does not miss an opportunity to tell us how much it thinks subtlety is a thing for pansies.

At Bill’s, the delivery service has arrived. Delivery is a platinum blonde woman named Veronica who works for a service called “Human Edibles” (Honest tagling: “We’re Tasty!”). I honestly really like this idea – they’re basically prostitutes for vampires who need blood instead of sex. Now I’m honestly wondering if the folk who work for this service are viewed differently from other prostitutes in this reality. Leave it to me to think of the socio-political implications of an easily telegraphed joke. I’m here all week, ladies and gentlemen. Anyway,  Veronica isn’t exactly tickled by letting Bill, who is unresponsive, feed off her and tries to leave when her body begins to contort suddenly and she’s pulled back in front of Bill. Veronica begins to hemorrhage from her mouth, the blood pouring out from her and floating directly into Bill’s until she’s nothing more than a husk.  

Sookie is nursing the latest mysteriously attractive man (this one’s named Ben) to pass out on her couch when she notices that touching him causes her faerie light powers to act up. She confesses that she has wanted to get rid of her light, wishing to be normal. He agrees and offers folksy wisdom about things not turning out how we want before getting up to leave. Sookie tells him about the faerie sanctuary near town where he may be able to be safe.

Speaking of which, Andy Bellfleur is bringing his rapidly aging quintuplets to the field where the sanctuary is yelling for Mirella, the mother, to take them back. Given that he’s yelling this in front of his kids and the girls are still giddily running literal circles around him without feeling at least a little hurt by their father’s intense desire to be rid of them, faeries must have a pathological inability to recognize reality.

Jason has brought Grandpa to Sookie’s house to show her where Warlow attempted to break into our world in Sookie’s bathroom at the end of last season. Grandpa finds the portal and leaps through it to see if Warlow succeeded, returning seconds later covered in slime. “Well, that was worse than I thought,” he deadpans.

Ben walks with Sookie to the Faerie Field, dropping like his twentieth hint that he’s had something really bad in his past, but Sookie’s not picking up on it. See above, re: faeries and their inability to recognize things. Sookie is more interested in dissuading Ben from any kind of romantic interest. “I shouldn’t be taking walks with handsome strangers,” she tells him. “That never ends well.” Ben overhears Sookie’s thoughts about Bill and asks about him. Shoe’s on the other foot now, huh Sookie? She demurs but tells Ben how to find the faerie sanctuary.

 "The fact that you're telling me up front about your supernatural abilities is frankly 80% of the attraction."

Nora is scouring the Vampire Bible for references to Lilith and Bill. Pam snarks her, as is Pam’s wont, but Nora realizes that a passage may have been mistranslated and wants to investigate. Nora tells Pam that Eric loves her and is proud of her and the reason he never told her about Nora is because it would have put Pam in danger if the Authority connected the three of them.

At the Governor’s mansion, aides are burning the midnight oil trying to figure out this vampire thing. Again, possibly they shouldn’t be doing this at night, but whatevs. The Governor’s daughter, recent Tulane grad, wants to go out drinking with the staff rather than stay at work, but Gov says no. She instead sees in the Gov’s next appointment, which happens to be Eric, who has put on nerd glasses and a bad haircut and is pretending to be human from the Department of Wildlife and Fisheries.

"Golly, Miss Lane - I don't know how it is that I keep just missing Superman."

Eric chats up the Gov, applauding his vision on the vampire front after the Gov tells him about a vampire attack on a Chuck E Cheese. (Me: heh. Awesome.) Eric carries on a double-entrendre laden conversation about how the Whooping Crane is just trying to survive and that maybe the Gov shouldn’t make things worse for them because a Whooping Crane will rip your fucking throat out while you sleep. Oops, a step too far, Eric. Eric attempts to glamour the Gov into reversing his course of action, informing him that he now loves all vampires, but it MASSIVELY doesn’t work thanks to the Gov’s special contact lenses that protect him. The humans have more than just the silver-UV bullets up their sleeves, apparently. The Gov thanks Eric for gift-wrapping the political excuses he needs to look like a hero to the state and orders Eric taken to “the camp.” He’s marched outside before being all “hell with this” and flying away before the guards can do anything.

Sookie arrives home to find Jason who introduces her to Grandpa, saying he’s hunting down Warlow, just like Boba Fett. Grandpa assures Jason he’s not from “outer space” like Jason thinks but that Warlow has definitely made it into this reality. Apparently Sookie’s actions last season with the faeries created the energies that have let Warlow get through. Grandpa tells them that Warlow has been obsessed with the Stackhouse family for years because they are the original Fey and in fact, Grandpa is the King of their tribe. Jason brightens: “That means Sookie is a Faerie Princess and I’m a Faerie Prince!” he exclaims. “The gene skipped you,” Grandpa says. Wah-wah. Anyway, backstory time: Warlow massacred Grandpa’s entire village when he was a child, killing everyone but him. Grandpa tracked Warlow, but not before Warlow showed himself to one of Grandpa’s sons, John Stackhouse, who signed the fearie pact with Warlow to give him Sookie. The night Warlow came for Sookie and killed her parents on the bridge, Claudine (their Faerie Grandmother) managed to send Warlow into another existence before he could get to Sookie. Grandpa tells Sookie they have a unique ability among the fey – they can channel their light into essentially a supernova in a glowy ball that will kill any vampire nearby. Because Sookie is only half-fey, she can only do this once and after it’s done, she’ll no longer be a faerie.  

But if you clap your hands three times and say "I do believe in fairies!" nothing will happen and you just look like an idiot.

Sam arrives home to find Lafeyette has already put Whatshername (turns out it’s Emma) to bed and is now watching reality TV. Alcide, Luna’s grandmother (Martha) and some other wolves show up looking for her and Sam has to tell them that Luna is dead. Alcide says the feds will be investigating Luna’s stunt on TV, looking for all shifters and werewolves sooner or later and that Sam may not be able to hide for long. Martha insists that Emma come with them, grabbing her when Emma rushes outside looking for Sam. The predictable fight ensues, all the while being witnessed by the Vampire Unity group.

In her room, The Governor’s daughter removes her special contacts to go to sleep when Eric Draculas up to her window and glamours her into inviting him in. It took six seasons, but we finally got the “Vampire at the Window Next to the Willowy Virgin in the Nightgown” scene.

 "My father's secret defense, all undone by my discomfort with dry eyes!"

At Bill’s, Jessica has cleaned up what’s left of Veronica while Bill is still catatonic in his chair. Trying to reach him, Jessica reminds him that if he can feel the pain of all vampires, he should be able to feel how scared she is right now. Jessica confesses she doesn’t know which Bible is real, having been force fed the traditional version by her father as a repressed human girl and now the vampire one by the Authority, but she’s starting to wonder if Bill is God, kneeling to pray before him and confessing her sins and asking Him to bless her friends, including Hoyt, wherever he is. (Cue audience sob at the Hoyt reference, remembering that breakup scene.) Finally, she asks God to bring Bill back to her. Internally, Lilith tells Bill that he must save them all, forcing Bill awake. As he comes to, the television turns on to news of the vampire lynching that Bill saw earlier, along with the news that the Governor has announced that vampires have no rights, so violence against them is not illegal. Jessica realizes that Bill can see the future just as Bill has a vision of a room full of vampires, including Jessica, Tara, Pam and Eric, being executed in a room that is opened to the sun.

Primeval: New World

You gotta hand it to SyFy. Why spend your own money making an expensive supernatural or fantasy show when you can just get some Canadian stuff cheap and slap it on your network as an "original series?" And let's be honest, they totally blew their allowance making Defiance which probably costs 1 million dollars per episode in silicone prosthetics alone.

I know about prosthetics because I watch Face Off!

In the past few weeks, SyFy debuted two new summer series, Sinbad (which fellow TV Slut Arsenic Pie will be reviewing soon) and Primeval: New World. Both are international imports like Lost Girl, but unfortunately, both are kind of terrible.

If a show called Primeval seems vaguely familiar to you, it's because it was first a British series. It lasted several seasons and involved a group of scientist and military types that investigated fractures in time and space (called "anomalies") in London that allowed prehistoric creatures to wander into our modern era. Basically, someone at the BBC was like, "we need a show about dinosaurs rampaging through downtown London" and this is the concept that was agreed upon.

The original Primeval was actually a fairly entertaining program. It was fun escapism and the characters were interesting. Also: dinosaurs. They are always a good thing. CHOMP. The original Primeval also managed to pull off one of the most ballsy, unexpected storyline twists in its second season that had me breathless. Even if you didn't like the changes (I won't spoil anything here in case you want to check the series out on Netflix streaming), you gotta give the show props for being willing to go there.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of Primeval: New World. I don't think Primeval was all that successful in its 62 episode run, but apparently the people in Canada really like dinosaurs. So they just took the same basic concept (anomalies opening up with dinosaurs coming through) and moved it across the pond. There's some attempt to connect it to the original series, one of the characters show up in the pilot and in later episodes, but for the most part, Primeval: New World is operating independently.

"Oh, excuse me sir, you dropped something back there...."

And that's kind of the problem. In the original British series, you followed a cohesive team of people trying to contain the monster threat. But on Primeval: New World it's just a bunch of random people all running around trying to figure out why there are dinosaurs in Canada.

The main character, Evan, first encountered the anomalies six years earlier when his wife was eaten by  T-Rex. Whoops! Good thing he's a millionaire with his own tech company and can create a special R+D division dedicated to investigating the anomalies. He's aided by some folks from within his company and a few people from the local Predator Control division (is that a thing?), but they aren't a coherent team by any stretch of the imagination. This means that the first few episodes basically consist of everyone conducting their own investigation and then running into each other at the anomaly sites being all, "what are you doing here?" I'm sure the point of the first season is watching them all come together into a badass group of dino hunters, but who's got the time for that?

All in all, it's somewhat entertaining I suppose, but the didn't hold my attention. The acting is kind of hit or miss and like I said, there are some basic plotting problems. You're much better off watching the original Primeval which is available on Netflix streaming.

Well, they get points for putting feathers on their dinosaurs. Science!

Primeval: New World airs on SyFy Saturday nights at 10pm.

You Found a Prostitute that Takes Traveler's Checks?

The quality of mercy is not strain'd
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven 
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blesst
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

My corset itches, Bassanio. Also, I am really racist.

I once recited, with great aplomb (and hand gestures), that monologue in its entirety in front of an entire undergraduate introductory English class. AND I SCHOOLED THEM. Because why? Because we were studying the play and we all divided up into groups to do different scenes, and no one wanted to be Portia in the courtroom scene, so I volunteered. Why? Because I'm an attention whore, that's why! I WAS THE BEST PORTIA IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. 

Okay, maybe not as cool as this Portia. 

I ran a clinic on that monologue. I posted part of it here so you can search for deeper meaning in the episode bearing the title, "The Quality of Mercy." I assume that if you're reading this blog that that is the kind of thing you spend your time doing. So, have at it. The Merchant of Venice quote is a nice choice, considering all the Jewish jokes spread throughout the show. Oh, anti-Semitism.  *Jazz hands*

Victorian postcard portrayals of saucy wenches and other high-minded strumpets.

Welcome TV Sluts, to the TVSluts Mad Men-a-palooza AMC-a-go-go. This last episode before the finale was like a Mad Men cake with five layers of oh no he didn't, topped with oh no he better don't frosting. And a cherry on top. 

So, Don wakes up shitfaced, in a fetal position, hoping that that dream he had about letting his daughter catch him in bed with the neighbor lady was just a dream. Nope. Nope, that shiz was real. In an act of defiance, Don is drinking Tropicana OJ and not Sunkist. Megan wants Don to take a break, and then she burns the eggs. She asks him to stay home and "sleep it off" today, and then she heads to work. There's all kind of ominous music. 

So, Ken Cosgrove is out hunting with some clients and in an incredibly Dick Cheney move, one of them shoots him instead of whatever fowl they were hunting. Well. Crap.

Ahh, nature. The birds. The trees. The sun. The....ahhh! My eye! My fucking eye!

Three minutes in and we are off to a rousing start. In an ironic twist, Don's home watching a Nixon ad about how he's tough on crime. Tell that to poor fucking Ken Cosgrove, man. Don switches the channel and then he sees Megan, in that bad wig, pretending to be the really French sister of the other French character she plays on TV. She's more French than she is in real life. And Jessica Pare is French Canadian. It's all very meta. Then the phone rings and IT'S BETTY.  Betty wants to talk Sally and Don wants to know what's up, and Sally's been refusing to visit Don. Betty still has no idea what happened and Betty tells Don that Sally wants to go away to a boarding school. 

Carnation Instant Breakfast: Have the energy you need to telephone your ex-husband.

Back at SC&P, Ted's successfully gotten his hands all over Ocean Spray. Ted and Peggy are FLIRTING and telling everyone about this HILARIOUS guy who took them around the plant. He had a red shirt and he talked like a really bad Kennedy impersonator. Hahaha. Hahaha. No, seriously, you had to be there. Ginsberg wants to know if no one has noticed that Cran-Prune sounds like a glass of diarrhea (it does) and Ted tells him they can't change the names. Ginsberg gets up to say he has to use the bathroom, but really it's a ploy to get Ted and Peggy out of the room. Yes, please. Get a room. 

Mmm...kay. To do: 1) Flirt with Peggy.  2) Flirt with Peggy more. 3) Feel guilty. 4) Go home to neglected wife.

The phone rings at Megan and Don's and it's Harry Crane and he has good news!  Now Sunkist wants to deal with SC&P and Don tells Harry that it's a conflict and he has to drop it. Great shorts, Harry. Jeffrey, the fat Sunkist reps, took a look at the media plan and wants to do TV. Don tells Harry he should have told them that they had a conflict with Sunkist. Megan's idea is to take Don out of the apartment.

Don's at a movie with Megan and awkwardly run into Ted and Peggy AT EFFING ROSEMARY'S BABY and Don doesn't like it that Ted is hanging with Peggy and let's remember that Don's supposed to be home sick today. Megan's convinced that Ted and Peggy are having an affair and Don thinks Megan's been on a soap too long.  Ted tries to brush it off by saying they're doing "research" for the St. Joseph aspirin spot. No, you blew off work to play footsie in a dark theater.  Don and Megan head home and Don decides to, yet once more, go behind everyone's back and make a business decision. He phones Harry Crane in Cali.

False alarm. Ken Cosgrove is alive and he hates Michigan a bunch. Chevy has been trying to kill him and Pete tells him to man up. Pete GRACIOUSLY offers to take the Chevy people off Cosgrove's hands. Cosgrove's wife Cynthia is pregnant and he wants off the account, and Pete sees his opportunity and offers his services to take over the account. He cuts a deal with Cosgrove to get Cosgrove off the account. 

You know, cyclops have feelings, too.

At the morning partners meeting (which Joan does not attend), Don and Roger present Sunkist to Cutler and Ted. Sunkist wants an $8 million TV ad, and Cutler is on board with Don and Roger, but Ted hates the idea. Let's remember that Don gave Ted his WORD OF HONOR AS A GENTLEMAN that if Ted pulled strings with Mitchell Rosen, Don would back off Sunkist. Upon agreeing to take the Sunkist account, Ted tells Don he wants Peggy on the account. Because you know. Juice experience. Stuff like that.

Rosemary's Baby. What a RIOT! *Snortgigglegigglesnort*

So Pete has his gun out, which is always a good sign, and Miss Scarlett tries to give Pete advice about firearms. She informs him that he has a .22 and that isn't good for anything but squirrels. Scarlett tells him he's got a meeting with Old Man Cooper, and she straightens his tie. Awwwww. Yeahhhh. Pete Campbell. Gettin' some secretary tail. 

Bert's called a meeting with Roger, Cutler, Cosgrove and, yes, Bob Benson! BOB BENSON!!! Pete hasn't calculated this very well, but he must have been aware that when he volunteered to take Chevy that Cutler put Troutshorts on the Chevy account. Pete doesn't want to work with Bob, and Pete tries to worm out of it, but Cosgrove tries to convince Pete that he needs Troutshorts. Troutshorts graciously leaves so that they can discuss this amongst themselves, but you know he is seething and plotting as he leaves. Plotting. Yes. Plotting.

Cutler lets Pete know that, on no uncertain terms,  he has to work with Troutshorts. Cutler likes Troutshorts. Chevy likes Troutshorts. We all like Troutshorts,  Pete. Pete realizes he's been beaten, thanks them and leaves. Turn that Pete Campbell Smarm-o-Meter up to 11.

So. In potential serial killer news, Pete graciously shakes Bob's hand, and they have a very polite and intense exchange about how Troutshorts is gay, Pete thinks it's sick, and how Pete should watch what he says to people. Or else! See you later, old sport!

Pete yells at Scarlett, thus likely ruining his chances at some potential casual banging and he calls his old buddy Duck Phillips. Pete wants Duck to find a way to get Troutshorts out of the office by way of presenting Troutshorts with some other opportunities. Duck promises to help Pete out if Pete pays him $1,000 for the work, and Pete readily agrees. Meanwhile, Troutshorts esta hablando espanol con su novio (o eso?), Manolo. Dice que Pete es un hijo de punta. MOTHER shows up a bit later, annoying Pete with her -- well, her existence, really. Apparently, Pete has engaged the services of a beleaguered and terrified young nurse, Josephine. MOTHER informs Pete that she's in need of her passport because she's going on a trip and she also tells him that she's spoken to Manolo about the way Pete treats Troutshorts. This causes Pete to blow his stack again because HE GAVE ORDERS that MOTHER wasn't to see Manolo anymore, and Pete says all kinds of insulting things to MOTHER and threatens to fire poor Josephine for...well, because he's an ass.

In future teen delinquent news, Betty and Sally are on their way up to Sally's ritzy private school and Betty steals one of Sally's fries. Betty reminds Sally that one of her friends in school went away to boarding school.

Betty: Did I tell you she hated her mother?

Sally: Good for her.

Betty can't figure out why Sally suddenly wants to go to boarding school, and she figures it has something to do with her. No, worries, Betty. Sally hates the world.

Now, dear, it's all right to be blase, but we want to make sure you're the right kind of blase.

At . other end of the SC&P office, Ted and Peggy are having entirely too much fun with the St. Joseph account, with poor Joan held hostage to witness all of this flirtin' and Ted and Peggy (with Joan in a cameo as The Jewish Mother) 

Peggy soon learns that this is also Ted's O face. 

Ted and Peggy leave the meeting like a couple of giddy school kids after Don agrees to attend casting. This is where he finds out from Joan that the St. Joseph budget is $5,000, but Ted and Peggy have racked up over $35,000 in incidentals. St. Joseph hasn't seen the new budget and Don is livid, wanting to know who's been paying for the casting. Joan says that they have so far, and Don asks if the plan is to spring it on St. Joseph in the meeting. This is where Joan takes the opportunity to remind of him of her lack of power in the agency,  and says, "I don't know, Don. I don't tell them what to do." Don calls St. Joseph while Peggy and Ted are at casting and sends them a budget, and St. Joseph calls Ted during casting and puts a stop to it because they are angry about the budget. Don wants to know why Ted pushed St. Joseph when they've been running the same ad for 20 years, and Ted explains it's because the client wanted a more memorable ad. Peggy came up with some great work and Ted doesn't want to let her down and asks Don to back him up at the meeting the next day. 

Sally begins her overnight at Hogwarts, and this is where we discover that Hogwarts is populated with cynical, chain-smoking, bored little rich girls who expect Sally to bring them liquor, cigarettes, boys, and, if she can score it, weed.

Anyway, so Sally's stuck at this boarding school with some teen skanks. Eager to fit in Sally tells them she can get them anything they want. So, what does she do? She calls Glenn, who brings along one of his uber horny teen friend, weed and alcohol. 

Tonight, on a very special episode of Mad Men.

Duck Phillips calls Pete with some GREAT NEWS. Well, it's great news for Pete, but not-so-great news for SC&P. Turns out, Troutshorts aka Bob Benson aka Alias is a total fake. Total fraud. Didn't go to UPenn. Never went to Deloitte. He called Barriman Bros. because of the info Pete gave him, and they DO remember Bob Benson. Turns out, he is from West Virginia (mountain mama, take me home) and a senior VP's buttboy. Duck says he's never seen anything like this before and Pete says, "I have." Awww. Yeah.

Meanwhile, back at the After School Special, Sally is shitfaced. Glenn's hitting on Sally's roomie, and roomie takes Glenn into another room so he can "read her diary." That's what the kids are calling it these days.

I"m so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm...so...scared.

Glenn's buddy Rolo is putting the moves on Sally, but Sally's about two steps past playing Barbies and also likely has some serious issues with human mating rituals. He gets mad at her, and Sally bangs on the door where Glenn is...banging her roommate. Glenn is mad at Rolo for hitting on Sally because he's like her sister, and Glenn punches Rolo. Did you see that little smile on Sally's face? Oh, I did. Is she totally geeked about witnessing violence or is she happy that someone -- Glenn -- is taking on the daddy role and beating someone up to protect her? A little of both? A little swirl? Glenn has to leave, and you'd think Sally's roomie would be mad at her for being a cockblock, but she seems a little impressed that Sally got a boy to beat up another boy for her sake.

Don and partners sit down to meet with St. Joseph so they can understand all of this spendthrifting. Ted tries to convince St. Joseph that their campaign is worth the money, but St. Joseph isn't buying it. St. Joseph wants a reason, and Don takes charge. He gives a long spiel, giving himself enough time to think of something convincing to pull out of his ass. Don puts Ted on the spot, asking Ted to read his mind and decipher the utter bullshit that is about to come out of Don's mouth. Don tells St. Joseph that it was FRANK GLEASON'S LAST IDEA, humiliating Ted and stealing Peggy's thunder. Don, you are a heel. On the up side, St. Joseph agrees to the campaign and a budget of $25,000. After the partners leave, Peggy gives Don a death look. Ted asks Don WTF that was all about, and Don tells Ted that Ted's feelings for Peggy are getting in the way of his work.

Works wonders for professional rivalry, infidelity and other ailments of the digestion.

Pete confronts Bob and tells Troutshorts that he knows Troutshorts a fake.  Pete decides to keep his enemy closer and offers not to tell anyone about what he found out in exchange for Troutshorts agreeing to work alongside him and not to do anything underhanded or backstabbing. Pete's such a puritanical hypocrite that he thinks he has to take the high ground with Troutshorts, and lecture him about integrity, because Bob's lied about who he is and where he came from, whereas Pete's just been spoiled all his life.

Peggy asks to see Ted and his secretary tells him he's left for the day. Peggy asks when he left, and the secretary tells her he left when Peggy asked to see him. Peggy thinks, "Oh no he better did not!" and marches into that Don Draper's office and gives him a piece of her mind. Peggy accuses Don of killing Ted, killing the ad and killing everything because, as she says, Don can't stand it that Ted is a good man. Don responds with, "He's not that virtuous," and I think anyone who's seen the finale already (which is all of you) can now get behind that statement. Get behind it like Troutshorts behind a VP. 

Betty takes Sally home from Hogwarts and tells her that things went well for her, and that the school would be pleased to have her. Remember when Betty stole a fry? Betty lets Sally have a cig in exchange for said fry. Betty justifies it by saying that she's sure Don has given her a beer.. Sally takes a drag of her cigarette, stares out the window and says, "My father's never given me anything."

Boom! That's it for part one of the Mad Men-a-palooza. Stay tuned for the TVSluts Mad Men Threeway, part of this complete liquid breakfast.

Vampires and Existentialism

Hello, Fangbaners! Welcome to season six of True Blood. In case you’re new to the show and want a summary of what’s gone before, here’s my write up. Fair warning, from here on out I’m either going to assume that you’ve been watching the show and don’t need to be caught up on five years of history or you just don’t care. Do join me!

TL;DR: Bill returns as something halfway vampire, halfway other and destroys what’s left of the Vampire Authority (and that stupid plotline) but still doesn't know what he is now.  Tara hearts Pam. Pam says she doesn’t heart Tara. Both are probably wrong.  Alcide becomes Packmaster and has his pick of the ladies. The Governor of Louisiana cracks down on vampires, but maybe definitely has a secret agenda. Eric gives Sookie back her home and searches for an answer to how Bill is connected to Warlow, the vampire that killed Sookie and Jason’s parents. Sookie swears for the umpeenth time that she just wants a normal life.

We pick right up where we left off with naked, bloody Bilith, the unholy union of Bill and Lilith, the first vampire, rising from his own pile of deconstituted goo to a terrified Eric and Sookie. This is all done “Bill Cam” style, btw. Eric and Sookie run away through the headquarters of the Vampire Ministry of Exposition but can’t get out before Bilith shuts down the power.  Things are looking dire as Bill-Cam speeds through the building looking for our other heroes, Pam, Tara, Jessica, Jason and Nora. Jason talks tough about his accuracy shooting the mean vampires coming at them with wooden bullets, saying he’s had a lot of practice “killing your kind” until Nora reminds him that she’s, oh, about two thousand years older than he is and she’s had a bit more practice killing his, so maybe lets just stop measuring our dicks and get out of the evil death trap building, okay? Nora gets the ragtag team out just as Sookie and Eric commandeer a sweet SUV. As they start to speed away, Bilith emerges from the flames of the destroyed Vampire Ministry of Religious Overzealousness before flying, still naked and bloody, off into the sky.

"But Mommy, why was that naked bloody man so angry?" "Because drugs, Sweetie."

The gang speeds away, hopefully not with Bill following them like, as Jason says it, “a naked, evil Superman.” Fortuitously, just at that time, Vampire NPR is carrying a live press conference on the radio from the governor of Louisiana (New character! Because we didn’t have enough!) announcing that he’s not life-ist or anything, but this “vamper” menace has got to stop and even though they’re “citizens” or whatever, he’s instituting a state-wide vampire curfew and recommending that everyone in the state buy a gun. I don’t know which I love more – that he’s announcing in an outdoor press conference at night instead of during the daylight that the state of Louisiana will no longer tolerate vampires or that when fleeing for their lives, the radio station of choice for Eric and Sookie is talk radio. Anyway, Jason is pretty thrilled with the Gov’s hardline take, leading to the entire car giving Jason his first “SHUT UP, JASON” of this season.

Eric pulls the car over to talk to Nora privately about whether or not there’s anything in the Vampire Bible about Lilith being resurrected into a modern body, but Nora says there’s nothing in this, but clearly Bill needs to be destroyed. Jessica is not pleased with the suggestion and vamps away. Pam meanwhile pouts on the beach (actual line: “I hate the beach. Fish piss and sand in your cooch.”) about Eric not ever telling her about Nora, leading Tara to try to comfort her. Oh Tara. You stopped dating men because you kept picking the bad ones who were emotionally unavailable and/or literal monsters. Good to see your patterns are the same now that you’re into chicks.

On another part of the beach, Jessica and Sookie bond over the fact that they both still love Bill, albeit in different ways, and they’re both afraid of what he’s become. Sookie says they need to let him go and that Jessica will never be alone as long as she’s around.

Literally the only two women on this show who have not yet made out with each other.

Nora decides to glamour Jason to learn more about Warlow, the vampire of mystery that we learned last season is the one who murdered Jason and Sookie’s parents and who is mentioned in the Vampire Bible as being progeny of Lilith. Glamouring Jason is not a smart idea though, because when he comes out of it and realizes what Nora has done he’s just more pissed off.  Jason threatens to shoot both Nora and Tara until Sookie steps between them, forcing Jason to run off, referring to Sookie as dead to him for sticking up for vampires.

Just then, Jessica is suddenly “summoned” by Bill. Jessica feels a powerful urge to go to his side and when Eric tries to stop her, she immediately begins to vomit blood all over him. (Eric, dryly: “Lovely.”) Sookie convinces Eric to let her take Jessica to Bill, despite the danger, because its clearly tearing Jessica apart. Eric and Nora sly off leving Pam and Tara to manage for themselves.

Meanwhile, on National Geographic: Earth the werewolf camp, the wolves are pulling apart their former Packmaster and bringing Alcide the severed human arm for him to eat, which he must do if he wants to become Packmaster. Alcide looks a little non-plussed about it, but what they hey – at least it’s not a full horse heart. Also, because he’s now Packmaster, there are a line of sexy weregirls who are “proud to serve” him. The wolves all decide to go for a frisky naked run through the forest, because apparently that’s just what you do on a Tuesday night.

At the Bellefleur home, Andy is still understandably freaked out about suddenly being the father to four newborn half-faerie babies after knocking up that faerie girl in the woods only, like, a week ago. Awesome waitress Arlene lays down the law and tells him to face up to his responsibilities. Andy is terrified because he doesn’t know how to care for one baby, much less four. Arlene softens a bit and tells him that every good parent is freaked out, now get in here and help but these diapers on. Arlene's right, although in Andy’s defense at least most parents have, like, a few months to think about the consequences of their sexy hookup in a field with a mysterious vanishing hot girl.

What to expect when you're expecting half faerie monster babies.

Elsewhere, a mortally-wounded Luna (don’t remember her? Don’t worry, she’s not around long) manages to get literally three lines in before dying, asking Sam to care for her daughter. Sam agrees and makes off with little Whatshername, taking her to Merlott’s. He thinks he hears someone in the darkness, but it’s just Lafayette, “holding down the fort.” “You mean drinking all my tequila,” Sam accuses. “Sobering up on the floor. Hell, drunk driving kills,” Lafayette responds, proving yet again why he’s awesome. Little Whatshername confesses sadly that her mom is dead and she’s hungry. Lafayette offers her “something deep fried, dipped in sugar and then deep fried all over again.”

Jason is making his way back to town in the dark when a car rambled by and offers him a ride. Who is driving? It’s Rutger Hauer, boys and girls! Gee, no way he’s going to turn out to not be Warlow someone important. To Jason’s credit, he at least realizes that this guy is a little off for not being freaked out by Jason being covered in blood and keeps his gun at the ready.

At La Casa de Bill, Jessica is being pulled inside. Sookie manages to grab a stick that she fashions into a stake just in case. They make their way to the upstairs verandah (this is Louisana. Of course there’s a verandah.) to find an utterly normal looking Bill sitting waiting for them who “just wants to talk.” Eric and Nora attempt a sneak attack, but Bill is much faster then them, even pulling out the stake that Sookie manages to plunge directly into his heart. Bill tells them that he’s not sure what he is, but he’s more than he ever was. Sookie insists that he’s not Bill, saying she felt him die. Sookie wants Bill to leave Bon Temps forever, but Jessica stands up for her Maker, telling the others to leave and that Bill can stay as long as he wants and the rest of them need to leave.

In new plot development time, the Governor meets with a representative of the True Blood production company at an abandoned bottling plant. The Governor wants to “bail out” the company by giving them the bottling plant free to start making True Blood again. Despite his political blustering, he claims to be interested solely in restoring the peace, which can be done with vampires back to having their True Blood and back to paying taxes like regular people. He referrs to himself as not “the new Big Bad” (ha! Joss Whedon humor!) and strikes a deal.

He's a politician, so it's possible his as-yet unrevealed superpower is lying.

In the woods, Alcide and one of the nameless naked werewolf ladies have sex when they are interrupted by Alcide’s other naked werewolf lady who’s kind into threeways, it turns out. She’s okay with Alcide doing what he has to go because she’s very GGG, but tells him to never for get that she’s his “number one bitch.” This, btw, is going to be your only sexy naked actors and actresses scene this episode, so enjoy it, people.

"Oh Yeah. It's good to be the Packmaster."

At Fangtasia, Tara tries to emo Pam into admitting that she actually has feelings and maybe some of those are for Tara herself. Pam lays it all out there, though and tells Tara that this isn’t going to be one of those lay in the meadow and gaze into each other’s eyes while admiring their sculpted marble bodies and not having sex before marriage kind of vampire love stories.

It kind of kills me that my browser history is going to have this image in it now.

Aaaand that’s when the National Guard arrives to shut down Fangtasia on Executive Order of the Governor to shut down all vampire-run businesses. Tara tries to defend her woman and gets shot by the guard for her trouble, causing actual distress in Pam and possibly undoing her own argument.

Eric escorts Sookie home, marveling that she would stake Bill to save him, a far cry from where the two of them were at the start of this whole series. Eric is feeling gracious and offers to return the lease to Sookie’s house back to her, removing his rights to it and restoring it to her. Sookie is genuinely touched and tells him that she wants her life back and for things to be the way they were. Which is why she’s taking back his invitation to her house, which is supposed to be sad but leads to a really cheesy effect that involves Eric looking like he’s been placed on a conveyer belt and carted out the door for bottling by either Laverne or Shirley. Outside the house, Eric tells Nora that Sookie stays out of this going forward. Nora isn’t convinced, to say the least.

"Schlemeel, Schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated..."

At the Bellfluer house, the little half fairy babies have literally grown into toddlers in just hours. Jesus, poor Andy isn’t goint to even have time to get to the bank to even start a college fund for these girls before they’re ready for senior year.

At Bill’s house, he tucks Jessica into bed inadvertently revealing some new abilities like stopping a glass of True Blood from spilling with his mind. Bill tells Jessica he doesn’t know what he is or what’s happened, but he needs her as his progeny to help keep him from going all “power corrupts”. It’s a really sweet scene, with the father/daughter dynamic that they have, but it does lead one to ask why in the world would a vampire go to bed when it’s dark out?

On the road, Jason is still driving with NotWarlow, complaining about Sookie and about how lately Jason’s been seeing his parents more frequently. Sure enough, the ghosts/visions/hallucinations whatever they are to Jason are, in fact, sitting in the backseat. “They’ve gotten kinda racist and scary since they went to Heaven,” Jason confesses. NotWarlow tells Jason he’s never going to be able to keep him, who is TOTES WARLOW OMG from Sookie, surprising no one but Jason before vanishing out of the car.

In her house, the fairy/vampire contract beside Sookie’s bed begins to glow. In Bill’s house, Bill begins to hallucinate lashings against his skin and hears his name called, leading him to his study. In the study is Lilith, who suddenly rushes at Bill, entering into him.

That’s the end of the first episode, which by True Blood standards actually kinda dialed back the wacky a bit. Maybe because they had so much plot to get through or maybe because Alan Ball is now off the show, but here’s hoping they keep it up. I pay good money for the crazy and I don’t care what people think.

Word.