F*ck the Pain Away

Folks, subtly is not True Blood's thing. We know this. This week's episode, "Fuck the Pain Away", pretty much does exactly what it says on the tin. If last week brought back some of the humor, this week brought back the over-the-top sex. Enjoy!

Remember when Sookie cooked up a master plan to reveal to the big bad Warlow that she knew who he was by making out with him in a half-clothed state on her couch? Yup, we’re still there. Ben/Warlow says she doesn’t understand, she is his intended, he waited a millennia, blah blah blah. Man, guys will say anything to get laid, won’t they? He says he’s loved her for 1,000 years. “Then why did you kill my parents?” she asks. Ben/Warlow drops the bomb: he says he actually saved Sookie and that her parents were going to kill her on that bridge. “Bullshit,” Sookie says, blasting him with her magic fairy ball of light. Who is this strange blonde girl who looks like Sookie but finally asks discriminating questions of her vampire suitors?

Jessica meanwhile is freaking out after her smorgas-fairy-bord. Thing is, fairy blood makes vampires high and Jess has just done the equivalent of a speedball which is why she’s suddenly trying to make out with Bill, her sire and surrogate father. Jess, you have so many issues. In fairy vino veritas, you know? Anyway, right then, Bill feels the impact of Sookie’s fairy attack on Ben.

Sookie explains to Ben that he doesn’t love her, he’s just another in a long line of jerk Creatures of the Night trying to own her and he can fuck off and it’s all got this total second-wave feminism vibe, but then Bill shows up looking for Ben and finds them both in their underwear.

Awkward half-naked revelations? Must be Tuesday.

Ben tries to threaten Bill away, saying he’ll kill him, but Bill is all “Um, remember how I’m kind of Lilith? I’m totally your maker. Now scoot, you’re coming with me.”

Andy Bellefleur, meanwhile, has raced to Bill’s house just in time to see the remains of his four fairy daughters slaughtered in the living room. Jess hides in the closet while Andy understandably panics. Thankfully, one of the four seems to have survived! (Guess it’s a good thing we didn’t bond with the other ones by giving them names.)

Tara tells Eric that the Gov’s men have taken Pam. Because of an inability to plan for anything better, Eric and Tara agree to get taken themselves in order to find her. Pam, meanwhile, has been brought to the camp. On the way to her cell she sees that the camp is making vampires run on big hamster wheels, have teeth pulled and have superfast, kinda hot in a CGI way sex with humans. “All in the name of science, huh?” Pam asks. Thing is, you know the thing Pam’s pissed about most is being forced to wear that stupid prison jumpsuit.

Sarah Newlin has apparently been comforting the Gov from his very recent decision to commit his daughter to the Camp in a particularly sexy way judging by their removed clothes. Hey, Sarah says, I got burned by vampires, you got burned by vampires, clearly that means that we should have a baby together. But I need a ring first, I’m a good Christian lady. Except for when I was cheating on my husband with Jason Stackhouse. The Gov is still sort of grieving his daughter (she’s been undead to him for, what, an hour?), so he’s less inclined to Learn to Love Again, despite Sarah’s apparently considerable assets. Financial ones, I mean.

And, yes, the other kind too.

Bill bringsBen to the lab in his basement to draw some of Ben’s blood for testing,. In the process, we flashback to 3500 BC where prehistoric Ben and his prehistoric pregnant wife gather in their prehistoric nomadic tribe on the steppe somewhere. Tellingly, people in prehistory were just as attractive and bathed as the swamp trash in this universe’s Louisiana. Yay, continuity! Pre-history was also filmed through an instagram filter, just in case you were wondering. Things could have been beautiful for the budding family, if Lilith hadn’t been drawn to Ben one night when he was alone at the water and instantly had sex with him. (like, instantly, guys. No preparation – she just jumped into his arms and he was apparently set to start thrusting.) Lilith told Ben he was destined to save Vampire kind and turned him.

Jason finds sad, dejected Sarah at his front door when he gets home, though she tells him she has a “new, powerful man” in her life now. “That’s good,” Jason says to her genuinely, “because Steve turned out to be a gay vampire.” Never leave us, True Bloodstaff writers. Either way, Sarah is here to save Jason’s soul, by which she means, in her words, “God wants me to fuck you.” Jason’s been trying to walk the straight and narrow with women lately, but come on – we all know where this is going.

Right about here.

Andy brings his barely alive daughter back to the Sheriff’s Office and fishes some vampire blood out of the evidence room to feed to her, just barely managing to bring her back. She confesses everything, including Bill taking her blood. Later, Andy is about to hunt down Bill when Holly points out what a stupid idea that is and that Bill isn’t going to be stopped by a wooden bullet. Holly also agrees to lie and tell everyone that the girls “went back to their mama” rather than admit the truth.

In a run down bar, Alcide approaches a werewolf prostitute (spin-off show!) for information about Sam, but Jenny the whore doesn’t know anything. The rest of the bar is just as reluctant to help out. When his father challenges Alcide as to why he’s going to such lengths to find Emma, Alcide erupts, throwing him to the ground and kicking him out.

Jessica, still a little bloody and crying, rouses Jason from his post-sex nap, hysterical. She tells Jason what she’s done and confesses that it actually turned her on to eat a fairy. Jessica wonders if this reaction is because it’s the Devil’s work and what if Bill isn’t God after all, but the other one? When Sarah emerges from the bedroom, Jess recognizes her as Steve’s ex-wife and the leading bigot of the anti-Vampire brigade. Sarah calls Jess a whore and Jessica attacks, alternating between looking to bite Sarah and maybe do something kinda sexy with her. Sarah seems weirdly calm, quotes the bible and rescinds Jessica’s invitation to Jason’s house, causing Jessica to be thrown from the house into a cadre of the Governor’s armed guard waiting outside. Um… how dafuq…?

Eric is brought into a circular room with four other Vampires, one that looks suspiciously like the one Bill saw in his vision. It quickly becomes apparent that the room is designed to “scientifically” test the vampires in such a way as any that fail a test gets shot with the Gov’s special bullets. Because he’s Eric, Eric wins.

Pam, meanwhile, is being psychoanalyzed in a shrink’s office. Pam says she’s not going to talk about her feelings, but she is willing to try out that room where they’ve got the vampires fucking people. Pam’s a giver, really. If Pam agrees to talk, they’ll let her feed from a willing human donor. Pam requests a woman. 

Om nom nom

The Shrink wants to know what value she places on any given human life? Pam tells him in his case, none; he’s food. “And not even good food. You smell like tuna fish.”

Sookie finds Lafayette at Merlotte’s. Lafayette wants to know what she’s doing her “because it sure isn’t work.” Good to see the show has a sense of humor about how Sookie never actually makes it to her shifts. Sookie tells Lafayette about Ben and asks him to help her communicate with her dead parents to learn the truth.

Terry is reminiscing with Justin, an old war buddy, trying to keep it casual, but Justin isn’t a fool and wants to know what’s going on. Terry drops the bomb and tells him that he wants Justin to kill him on account of his ongoing war guilt. Clearly he’s not talked about this with Arlene who’s suspicious. Justin, who was a sniper in the war, agrees to kill Terry at some point in the next few days and Terry will never know it’s coming. Thing is, I like Terry and his post-war PTSD Iraq stuff, but Jesus I’m tired of this storyline. I’m almost rooting for Justin in this one.

In the hotel, Nicole tries to sneak out of the room when Sam wakes up. Nicole is getting a dose of what being a shifter is like, what with all the running and hiding and death.  When Sam checks on Emma, she attempts to call her parents from a payphone. Sam stops her, pointing out that if the Wolves find her parents, they’ll kill them. Unknown to both of them, they just happen to be at the same motel as Alcide’s father, who watches them curiously.

Jessica is brought into the Camp and finds Tara. Jessica is still coming down from the fairy blood and rambling about the Devil. Tara tries to comfort her as much as she can.  When Jessica turns down the government-rationed True Blood, the other vampires swarm her and Tara. The vamps are called away by a woman. “I guess now you girls owe me,” the woman says.

Next time, on True Blood...

Just then, Tara spots the guards bringing in Willa and puts two and two together about what’s happened to her. The guard brings Willa to her cell but not without offering to make things easier for her if she “gets friendly” with him. Daddy Gov isn’t going to be much help here, Willa.

Now that she’s had her fill of pretty girl, Pam is a regular Chatty Cathy with the shrink, spilling all sorts of info about how Vampires group and relate to each other. She tenses up though when the shrink asks about her Maker. She admits that Eric released her, but insists that she feels nothing for him anymore, waxing philosophical about how Vampires can take pain because of the promise of eternity. The Shrink isn’t convinced, however.

Jason decides to take matters into his own hands following the fall out with Sarah and joins the VTF, the Gov’s guards. Sookie and Lafayette, meanwhile, prepare for a séance to talk with Sookie’s parents, despite Lafaeyette’s warnings that this may not be awesome. Lafayette begins very undramatically (“Listen up, Dead Folks!”), shoos away a couple of the other spirits that want to talk. And that’s when the creepy starts.

"It's gonna get awkward if we have to do that Whoopie Goldberg scene from Ghost."

The room goes dark, lights go out. Lafayette tells them to “calm the fuck down.” Sookie listens to Lafayette’s thoughts, through which she can see her parents remembering Ben/Warlow coming to them years ago asking for Sookie, but her parents refused to give her up. Instead they took her into the car to go to the bridge with the intention of killing her, rather than let her be turned into a monster.  In the present, Sookie’s father possesses Lafayette and warns Sookie not to believe Ben when he says that he loves Sookie. He then subdues Sookie, taking her to the river in an attempt to continue to “save” her.

In Bill’s basement, Ben remembers going back to his village a vampire and, being unable to control himself around a bunch of half fairies, slaughtering them all. Except for one little boy who, natch, is Sookie and Jason’s Grandpa. And Warlow’s son. Yup.

In the Camp, Sarah has brought the Governor a “surprise” – Steve Newlin who show’s the Gov the vampire torture room with Eric in it. The Gov tells Eric that his plan didn’t work – the Gov isn’t sympathetic, in fact he’s imprisoned Willa. Eric is given a stake as a door opens and Pam is ushered in and the two are ordered to fight to the death. 

Two vampires enter, one vampire leaves...